To feel sorry for this lady?

[Spanglylycra]

Two of my male friends are having a baby via surrogate due later this year.I know they will make great parents and this isn't an anti-gay thread at all. The baby is via donor egg implanted into the surrogate who has no biological relationship. However (my AIBU) I can't help feeling sad for the surrogate. I know she is a grown woman capable of making her own decision and has gone into this willingly but she doesn't know them and doesn't owe them anything and despite payment being illegal in the UK there is still a very large "expenses" payment made which is well into 5 figures. So despite the fact they will be amazing parents I just feel sad/uncomfortable about the woman's role in this. On one hand they talk positively about her being amazing and selfless and on the other hand refer to her "just carrying it" which makes me sad for women being used as a vessel - it's a bit Handmaid-esque. Their social media posts are also starting to be covered in #dontforgetaboutdads and I just feel like the woman's role is being cut out. Just wondered what others may think am I over thinking this?!

I think it'd be worse if the surrogate had contact with the child afterwards - i.e.if she were friends/related to the people whose baby she was having. How hard would it then be to be around the child that isn't yours? Or to see something you don't agree with when the child is growing up? Or as the parents of the baby to have the surrogate always over your shoulder? No, it's much easier this way.

Most UK surrogates do have contact afterwards. They do see the child growing up. They will generally play an important role in the child's life. It's pretty unusual in the UK surrogacy community for there not to be ongoing contact between surros and IPs

@CherryPavlova

you say 'I think babies are best raised in married or permanently committed couples' and then say however a 'kind and loving gay family' would be an acceptable second choice.

I don't follow. How are two people of the same sex not a married or permanently committed couple? It sure sounds like you're saying they are less optimal parents than a straight couple in the same situation would be.

I am not in control of other people's lives, and i know it happens sometimes where people have no option, but I think that deliberately making a New born have no mummy to cuddle and love it, not accidentally but through a great deal of conscious effort, is badly wrong.

I'm sure this is all very nice for the adults involved in this situation, who all have the option to bring about this situation, but where are the motherless newborn's interests in all this? 😞

It would sit better with me if people who want children but cannot provide mothering, would adopt children who have no parents that can look after them, and are already born.

Wishing you all the very best for a happy and healthy pregnancy @PeachMelba78 - it is a phenomenal gift that you're giving your IPs

ImAl do you feel the same way about lesbian parents? Single parents? Widows or widowers?
Families come in all shapes and sizes.

Banana thank you! In many ways it has been an easier pregnancy and I have really enjoyed all the massages which the parents have paid for!

I am not in control of other people's lives, and i know it happens sometimes where people have no option, but I think that deliberately making a New born have no mummy to cuddle and love it, not accidentally but through a great deal of conscious effort, is badly wrong.

So is it same sex male couples having a baby via surrogacy that you have a problem with?

Or if my husband and I were to have a baby born via surrogacy, if I were to breastfeed via induced lactation, if I were to cuddle and love the baby from the moment he or she was born, but I hadn't carried him or her, would that be equally objectionable? Or because I would be providing mothering, that would he OK?

YABVVVVVVU. She CHOSE to do this, to bring a life into this world for a couple who can't have children themselves. Yes she's paid expenses but there are many many other ways to "use your body" to make money. I can imagine this is something of a calling to do, and not many women could do it. I think she is very brave and selfless.

peachmelba I find that with feminism generally. What individual women think is considered irrelevant.

Well, to a certain extent, yes, because it's about women as a class, not an individual. Lots of things might be fine for an individual, but in a societal context, contribute to harm.

@Spanglylycra I have not read all the posts and I don't know all you have said on the matter.

For me, surrogacy is a bit of an odd area. I do sometimes feel a bit sorry for women who do it, but I also know some women love to do it. So I am torn.

I think how the men in this situation treat the women who gave birth to their child will be very telling. If they try and write her out of the babies' life altogether then I think that is not a good thing.

My son is adopted and I have not tried to write his birth mum out of the story, even though he doesn't actually see her (he will have the choice when he is an adult). Yes, adoption is different. But the principle is the same to me. The birth parents are significant, but how much so, who can know.

baby's life.

CherryPavlova Why are you making it sound like a gay couple is a second best to a 'married or permanently committed couple'?????!!!!

I think it'd be worse if the surrogate had contact with the child afterwards - i.e.if she were friends/related to the people whose baby she was having. How hard would it then be to be around the child that isn't yours?

As I recall, the research so far points to better outcomes for the child where the person who carried the child continues to be a known person in their life. But it's been a while.

I feel it's very very fuzzy and unacceptable thinking to say 'a gay couple is good enough for a child already born but not for a child not yet born'. That makes no sense. If anything, by your thinking, a child already born should have what you clearly see as the 'better option' (heterosexual parents) because they have complex needs by that point.

Have you asked the lady what she feels? No.

Italiangreyhound

You're a bright spark. How can you equate someone who isn't related to the child and has not a scrap of maternal feeling towards them with a woman relinquishing her biological child for adoption?

@ladycarlotta. I think babies are best raised with their biological parents within a committed relationship. Of course gay couples can be committed and loving parents but I don’t believe it’s optimal. I do think heterosexual married parents are the ideal but accept life doesn’t always deliver on ideals. Better loving gay parents than a cruel or inadequate parent. I still dislike children being created to be traded but not quite as much as I dislike irresponsible and casual pregnancies resulting in unplanned children brought into a chaotic environment.

heartsease - why always so rude? Italiangreyhound is an adoptive mother and is thinking about the effect on the child of writing the birth mother out.

I think babies are best raised with their biological parents within a committed relationship

Nice to know you think I’m a sub standard parent then 👍

loopdeloo I disagree that it's rude. It isn't. I'm interested in italian's response, if she gives it.

If it helps Soupdragon I am a substandard parent helping people even more substandard than me to become parents. Apparently.

cherry I find your comments really bigoted, badly thought through and distasteful.

Top notch shipbuilding-standard parenting there, Peachmelba.

Still I’d rather be a substandard parent than an idiot.

Shipbuilding?.WTF?

SUB-STANDARD.

I try Soup (preens)