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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can't expect to see your grandchild if you won'tt see their mum

71 replies

frasersmummy · 16/08/2018 23:50

Long story short. My mil. Never thought I was good enough for her son and told me so frequently.

My darling hubby passed away a year ago leaving me with a 12 year old and since then she has been trying to get me out of her life.

My. Ds is understandbly.upset..he wants his grandparents in his life but not if he has to choose between them and me.

I have taken him to see them and each time it ends in rejection as they say he shouldn't come in my car.. He should come alone. Or they won't let him in if he says mum sent me to see you

He has tried reasoning with them but they just say that they hate me and that's an end to it.. Either ds can live with it or get out their lives
Just last week they called ds and told him he was completely disinherited
We haven't been to see them for weeks and today I got a solicitors letter stating I was to refrain from any contact with them

They.do however want a close relationship with their grandson and all communications and arrangements are to be direct with them and not include me

So wibu to say no you can't communicate directly and make arrangements directly.. He is 12 and I am his mum.. I need to. Know where he is going when

OP posts:

Dairymilkmuncher · 16/08/2018 23:55

If that's your sons name I would change your username and see if they will delete this post?

Of course you need to know where he is and when he's only 12. If they are calling him up just to say you've been cut from the will I would count that as abuse, not very nice to do to a 12 year old that would have had zero interest in inheriting their money.

Speak to your son and explain that, say you won't stop him seeing them if he really wants to but really they aren't kind people and if they don't want to be reasonable maybe he should wait till he's 18 plus to see them without his Mum and make up his own mind whether he wants them in his life

For you I would stay clear and never speak to the, again

tiredteddy123 · 16/08/2018 23:55

Good grief and they are supposed to be his grandparents?!

Respond in writing to their Solicitor and state you fully support contact between DS and DGP but any and all contact will be arranged and agreed with you or will not occur.

for you, sorry for the loss of your DH and keep being strong for your DS xx

WinnieFosterTether · 16/08/2018 23:55

YWNBU I'm so sorry for your loss and that they are making this time even more difficult.
Tbh I wouldn't facilitate contact any more. They are treating your DS appallingly by putting him in the middle.
I would reply to the solicitors letter saying you agree the relationship has irretrievably broken down and you will not accept any further communication. Then block their numbers on all phones including DS'.

FASH84 · 16/08/2018 23:56

This is outrageous, you need to go NC for your son's sake, their behaviour is damaging for him. Unless there is some massive backstory and you injected their son with his final hit of heroin or something (which seems unlikely on MN)

Birdsgottafly · 16/08/2018 23:56

YANBU.

It's going to be another two years before he can directly make the arrangements.

He's better off without them, although he won't see that yet.

C0untDucku1a · 16/08/2018 23:57

I wouldnt be encouraging contact at all. How bloody controlling and nasty!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/08/2018 00:00

This is ridiculous. What a horrible burden for your son, who has lost is dad, to carry. Cut them out of your lives for his sake.

tinstar · 17/08/2018 00:02

What reason did they give for disinheriting him when they still want to see him?

sue51 · 17/08/2018 00:06

You are the adult with parental responsibility. Of course you need to know where he is and what these people are telling him. He has had enough upset in his young life without seeing and hearing his grandparents deliberate cruelty towards his mother. In your position I would want to protect my boy from your inlaws and to hell with any inheritance he may or may not receive.

CocteauTwins · 17/08/2018 00:08

They sound a right pair of cunts! Bloody awful behaviour towards a grieving 12 year old

Mum2jenny · 17/08/2018 00:09

I'd ignore them if possible.

Alternatively get a solicitors letter stating that until your ds is of a suitable age (16 or 18), all contact must be through the responsible adult ie you. If that is not satisfactory to them, they will need to wait till your child is old enough to make such decisions by himself before he can choose to see them.

OutPinked · 17/08/2018 00:09

They’re toxic. Cut them out for both yours and your DS’s sake. Who would do this to a grieving child? They are horrible. So sorry for your loss OP .

Mum2jenny · 17/08/2018 00:11

I can't believe that your ds's grandparents can be such cunts though.

Tomatoesrock · 17/08/2018 00:12

I would rather be poor before I would except inheritance under those circumstances. Can they even force it. Reply only to say piss off. He won't lose out having nc with the crazy controlling GPs.

I am sorry about your DH

butterfly56 · 17/08/2018 00:15

They sound like two poisonous people who are going to really mess with your dear son's head, if they haven't done already causing him so much grief and anguish with their vile behaviour.
Personally I would not allow them anywhere near him.
And YANBU

timeisnotaline · 17/08/2018 00:16

What tired teddy said :

Respond in writing to their Solicitor and state you fully support contact between DS and DGP but any and all contact will be arranged and agreed with you or will not occur.

Write yourself out some thoughts
To read before bed and first thing in the morning. 1. My Pil are truly horribke people. 2. This is not my fault, and I have no obligation to them. 3. They don’t have a right to see my child. 4. I have a life, a lovely child, and I’m not going to lose any sleep over those bitter twisted excuses for people.

BackforGood · 17/08/2018 00:29

How has it got to this state ?

crazycatgal · 17/08/2018 00:30

My DF's father didn't like my DM and this resentment was then directed towards me. Lots of things happened but then at around 8 years old he threw me out of his house and I had to walk home alone. I decided to go NC after that and didn't see or speak to him for the rest of his life.

Your DS is the important one in all of this, if he is going to see his grandparents then make sure that none of their resentment is directed towards him, I felt incredibly unloved by my 'grandfather' and it really affected me. I wouldn't want my child near people like that but it is up to your DS. I agree that contact needs to be through you though.

Dollymixture22 · 17/08/2018 00:39

Awful awful people. Toxic. Your poor son should not have the in his life. You have been tolerant but there is nothing more you can do. Cut ties. It is their loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. You need supportive people in your life - not these horrors.

SugarPlumLairy · 17/08/2018 00:40

What vile toxic people. As his mother, you need to explain to DS that their behaviour makes it untenable for him to see them. What do you think they’ll do if they get their way? Fill his head with vile propaganda against you. Is that healthy?
What happens if he needs you while in their “care” (I can’t imagine them providing any modicum of care when they hate you so much). Would they let him contact you? Would they tell you if there was an accident. Would they let him return to you?

What happens when he displeases them, has an opposing opinion, stands up for his mum? Will they treat him the same way they treat you?

Just stop allowing their poison in your sons life, be’s Been through enough and so have you. Tell the solicitors you will not allow this obvious attempt at parental alienation as it’s obviously not in your minor sons interest.

I’m sorry for your loss OP, I’m sorry you have to deal with these vile creatures. Please take time to heal and accept you deserve better. Xx

Guienne · 17/08/2018 00:55

The solicitor was an absolute idiot putting that proposal forward - it could be worth pointing out that it's really pretty unprofessional to try to pressurise the child's parent into an arrangement for access that excludes the parent. What would happen if they arranged something direct with your son and it subsequently turns out that it clashes with a doctor's appointment, a school event or indeed just a social arrangement made by you?

wentmadinthecountry · 17/08/2018 01:08

Sorry you're dealing with this.

I upset my sil a number of years ago (not difficult) - just a discussion I thought at a meal at ur house. Result? DH's whole family haven't spoken to us again. Mil saw dd1 and 3 at the surgery and when dd1 said hello, she even said she didn't recognise them. They don't even know dd1 and 2 have graduated etc. Sad but their loss. I was never right for dh in their eyes.

FIL now has Alzheimer'sand SIL is unwell. I encourage dh to visit but he says they have always been toxic. Some people just can't cope when the game is not played their way. The things I could tell you about their previous devious tricks...

I do feel awful about it - but they are always falling out with people. I'd have loved my children to grow up with loving non-judging grandparents but it isn't going to happen.

Dd1 says that if her grandparents down the road can't even be bothered to contact her, she doesn't want to waste her time on them.It's sad. But some people are just like that.

lunar1 · 17/08/2018 01:11

Time for a new phone number for your ds and blocking their numbers. The poor boy has been through enough.

NiceColdOne · 17/08/2018 01:16

My darling hubby passed away a year ago
You poor thing

I have taken him to see them and each time it ends in rejection as they say he shouldn't come in my car.. He should come alone. Or they won't let him in if he says mum sent me to see you
He has tried reasoning with them but they just say that they hate me and that's an end to it.. Either ds can live with it or get out their lives
Just last week they called ds and told him he was completely disinherited
We haven't been to see them for weeks and today I got a solicitors letter stating I was to refrain from any contact with them

Utter cunts. Do not have these toxic people in your or your sons life. You are both worth so much more than that.

hungryhippo90 · 17/08/2018 01:30

No no no no no.
Even a very responsible and steady 12 year old would not be able to make good decisions for himself in regards to contact, where would it end? I’m not saying your son is irresponsible or anything, but he is 12, and he is going to be on untrodden ground as his father passed away within the year.

You need a solicitor to kindly write a letter telling them to piss off because you deem them to be a risk to him given that they allow their apparent dislike for you to cloud the judgement of what is best for him ie his only surviving parent to have any say in contact arrangements, when taking into account his age and state of grief he is very vulnerable to their manipulations.

You need to get hard with them quick.

I’m sorry, your PIl sound batshit, and not nice with it either.

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