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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can't expect to see your grandchild if you won'tt see their mum

71 replies

frasersmummy · 16/08/2018 23:50

Long story short. My mil. Never thought I was good enough for her son and told me so frequently.

My darling hubby passed away a year ago leaving me with a 12 year old and since then she has been trying to get me out of her life.

My. Ds is understandbly.upset..he wants his grandparents in his life but not if he has to choose between them and me.

I have taken him to see them and each time it ends in rejection as they say he shouldn't come in my car.. He should come alone. Or they won't let him in if he says mum sent me to see you

He has tried reasoning with them but they just say that they hate me and that's an end to it.. Either ds can live with it or get out their lives
Just last week they called ds and told him he was completely disinherited
We haven't been to see them for weeks and today I got a solicitors letter stating I was to refrain from any contact with them

They.do however want a close relationship with their grandson and all communications and arrangements are to be direct with them and not include me

So wibu to say no you can't communicate directly and make arrangements directly.. He is 12 and I am his mum.. I need to. Know where he is going when

OP posts:

diddl · 17/08/2018 14:33

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.

They have told a grieving 12yr old that they hate his mum & they have disinherited him?

And now the letter you have just received?

How the hell do they think that being so nasty is going to make him want a relationship?

Were they ever close to him?

I agree though it's up to the you to decide who he does & doesn't see/take him there if necessary.

piscis · 17/08/2018 14:50

I wouldn't allow contact to my DD to anyone that tells her that they hate me...they can hate you all they like, but they would have to keep it for themselves, what horrendous people! Incredibly nasty comments, your poor son...and you!

missbattenburg · 17/08/2018 14:59

Just last week they called ds and told him he was completely disinherited

They.do however want a close relationship with their grandson

I am no expert, by a long means, but these two statements seem to be completely at odds with me. As actions always speak louder than words their action of disinheriting him (especially calling him to tell him) and rejecting him because of which car he travelled in speaks more loudly than any protest about wanting a close relationship with him.

There is plenty going on here, but wanting a close relationship with their grandson doesn't sound like it.

Sorry, OP. Sounds like a rough deal not to have supportive inlaws after the loss of your husband.

Underworld345 · 17/08/2018 15:28

Your son is 12, good grief.

What is wrong with them? Who expects a 12 year old to make his own way somewhere without parents approval/awareness

Nunya · 17/08/2018 17:34

NO. Of course it would not be unreasonable to say that they can not communicate directly to your 12 year old child and completely cut you out! To do that and allow your child contact with these people would be throwing him to the wolves, IMO. They sound completely vile based on the behaviors described. They do not sound like grandparents who want any relationship with their grandchild! They actually sent you a solicitor's letter telling you to refrain from any contact with them? Great! That includes any action that involves instigating or participating in their relationship with their grandchild, which is a good thing since he doesn't need to be around people like this anyway. To continually say that they hate you and to treat your child poorly because of it by doing things like refusing to let him in their home because you drove him there? That is insane! Please don't subject your child to anymore of this. They don't want to see him if that's how they act and treat you both. Those are not the actions of interested, loving grandparents trying to develop an independent relationship with their grieving grandchild. They're trying to hurt you and using him to do so. Don't let them!

BloodyDisgrace · 17/08/2018 17:50

Yeah, you are right. If they can't treat you well, they don't deserve a grandchild. People should take responsibilities for their actions and face the consequences (like in this case, the consequences of being hostile to the mother of their grandkid)

AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2018 17:52

Just a thought: I realize your DS is young for it, but if your son has a phone, I'd be changing the number. It's not enough to block their number, they'll just use someone else's phone or a burner. And if your son has email and/or any type of social media, those need to be deleted and new ones established using a different name.

Graphista · 17/08/2018 18:20

Salem & others saying solicitor not necessary - the reason some of us are advising to go through a solicitor is so that there's proof witnessed by an independent party that op didn't impede contact completely but offered it on a reasonable basis. Chances are the grandparents would then respond probably TO the solicitors essentially admitting their unreasonableness.

There is a possibility the grandparents could take legal measures to gain access to the grandson, or attempt to and it would be in the grandsons and op's best interests to have a paper trail showing previous action.

"I wouldn’t waste money on a solicitor. Grandparents have no legal rights" has not been entirely true for many years anyway, and the previous status is now in the process of being challenged and possibly changing.

My parents when I was nc with them threatened to go through legal channels to get access to dd. They wouldn't have succeeded because they had no prior established connection to her (they'd only met her twice as a baby), and my fathers alcoholism and mothers injuries incurred by him I know are documented in their medical records which could has been requested as evidence, plus I made it clear I would tell anyone who needed to know about the abuse I'd sustained at my dads hands and this made them back off.

Another thread elsewhere on here recently, there's a mother been ordered to facilitate unsupervised contact between a grandchild and toxic grandmother. Grandmother has now seemingly acted in a way which may well provide grounds for that op to get that decision overturned.

Those of us with experience of toxic parents/grandparents/in-laws are all too well aware of the need for witnesses/evidence.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 17/08/2018 18:29

OP I'm in a very similar situation, my husband died in November. My DS is only 2 and has never spent time alone with DH's parents. They were hideous to me when DH was alive and have been even worse since.
It saddens me so much that if DH had lived we would have been united in the belief that his parents were not to be left alone with our son but now he's dead, a court can make that decision.

ImAIdoot · 17/08/2018 18:34

I don't know why these people blame you, which they obviously do, but anyone remotely worth their salt puts the feelings of a 12 year old in their family who has just lost daddy, above their own, and would rather cut their own wrists than play games with the idea of that child losing any more relationships, that the one thing you would let them know is that they aren't going to lose you if you can help it.

I feel this is so basic that we can probably all agree on it, even on MN.

I could cry at how sad and disgusting this is. Frankly, even if you were literally in prison for murdering the man I would still expect family members to shy away from using loss as a weapon of manipulation against a child that has just lost a parent.

Bluewidow · 17/08/2018 18:40

Goodness I could have wrote this post myself. My husband too passed away 8 weeks ago. My mother in law showed her true colours during his illness towards me.... Abusive texts and slating me on FB. At the funeral she ignored my son and has not been in contact with us since. Fast forward to the other day when she puts something in FB about that she's lost her son but also her grandchildren. Makes further comments about me being a bitch. And she wonders why I'm not bro sing over backward for her to see them.

ohfourfoxache · 17/08/2018 18:41

I’m so sorry for your loss

They are complete cunts and you are both so much better off without them

How did it go with the solicitor?

ohfourfoxache · 17/08/2018 18:42

Oh Blue

AndBabyMakes3 · 17/08/2018 19:22

so sorry to all who have lost loved ones

OP hope all goes well with your solicitor

imnotreally · 17/08/2018 19:31

Document everything. In case they decide to go to court.

Guienne · 17/08/2018 23:07

But the OP can create that paper trail herself, e.g. by sending letters recorded delivery and keeping copies, by sending emails with read receipts etc.

I queried the need to have a solicitor not because I thought that grandparents don't have legal rights; I know that in limited circumstances they certainly do. The reason I queried it is that, at this stage, what the grandparents are asking for is so blatantly ridiculous that they don't have a leg to stand on. I strongly suspect their solicitor has told them that they would be laughed out of court if they demand contact on terms that they cut OP out of all arrangements .

It may be, of course, that they will come back with a more reasonable-sounding proposal, e.g. that contact be arranged through a neutral third party, and if OP doesn't want to go along with that she probably will need legal advice. Given her son's age, one of the most important factors will be his wishes, so he may well need to have a separate representative appointed to facilitate him in putting those wishes forward.

Graphista · 17/08/2018 23:46

Guienne - "witnessed by an independent party" it's stronger when it comes to court if you have a solicitor able to support the paper trail.

Also a solicitor can advise if matters become more complicated and possibly provide reassurance if the grandparents threaten various actions. It's just easier if the solicitor already knows the background.

Original poster

frasersmummy · 18/08/2018 00:28

I have seen a solicitor today.. They said this letter means nothing. Its just a request.. Doesnt matter if its from a solicitor or anyone else.. Its just a request
They have said dont engage more than necessary.
My letter should simply say you want direct contact with your grandson. Sorry request declined.

Don't say they need to come through me.. Or deny contact or anything they can argue with.. You asked the answer is no

My 12 year old went round today after school said he was distressed by the conflicting we want you we don't that's being going on for months.

He said he was done for the moment. Asked them not to contact them. He will when he is ready.

I amazed by his maturity and strength.

I will send the letter tomorrow.. So that combined with his stance should stop the drama.. I hope

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 18/08/2018 00:37

Poor little lad

What was their reaction when he asked them not to contact him?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/08/2018 14:16

Brave child. I'm so sorry you're both going through this.

PrincessScarlett · 18/08/2018 14:24

I am gobsmacked and so sad that grandparents can treat their grandchild in this way, let alone you OP. I am so sorry for your loss.

Your son sounds amazing and very mature. You must be so proud of the boy you and your DH have raised.

I think you should both back away from these vile people but keep a note/paper trail of everything they have done or said should they try and go down the legal route.

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