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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't expect to see your grandchild if you won'tt see their mum

71 replies

frasersmummy · 16/08/2018 23:50

Long story short. My mil. Never thought I was good enough for her son and told me so frequently.

My darling hubby passed away a year ago leaving me with a 12 year old and since then she has been trying to get me out of her life.

My. Ds is understandbly.upset..he wants his grandparents in his life but not if he has to choose between them and me.

I have taken him to see them and each time it ends in rejection as they say he shouldn't come in my car.. He should come alone. Or they won't let him in if he says mum sent me to see you

He has tried reasoning with them but they just say that they hate me and that's an end to it.. Either ds can live with it or get out their lives
Just last week they called ds and told him he was completely disinherited
We haven't been to see them for weeks and today I got a solicitors letter stating I was to refrain from any contact with them

They.do however want a close relationship with their grandson and all communications and arrangements are to be direct with them and not include me

So wibu to say no you can't communicate directly and make arrangements directly.. He is 12 and I am his mum.. I need to. Know where he is going when

OP posts:
Original poster
frasersmummy · 17/08/2018 01:31

Thank you. I was just so shocked today that I began to second guess myself

But I have had most of the thoughts above.. Will get myself a solicitor in the morning.

As to how it got this far..I'm. Guessing a mixture of grief over their only son, drink and hatred for me.

Tinstar.. I dont understand either grief doesn't funny things to people.. I. Actually think my mil is just enjoying the drama, my counsellor concurs

So tomorrow I a. Going to take my thoughts to a solicitor and get them to help

Thank you all for your support

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 17/08/2018 01:36

Donning my tinfoil hat, but it feels like they’re trying to steal the only piece of their son back.

When your DH passed away they blamed you, you took him from them, and now they can’t have him back ever, they’ve gone for the next best thing, his son.

Grief does funny things. I could be way off, but it’s definitely off. Whatever it is.

Graphista · 17/08/2018 01:38

So very sorry for your and your sons loss Flowers

"Respond in writing to their Solicitor and state you fully support contact between DS and DGP but any and all contact will be arranged and agreed with you or will not occur."

Totally agree with this - they are being utterly ridiculous!

Frankly he's probably better off without them. What was the situation before your husband passed?

Stormi12 · 17/08/2018 01:41

Cut them off. Never see them again. They are abusive trash.

Willow2017 · 17/08/2018 01:44

They are beyond toxic i wouldnt let them near my son again. God knows whst poison they will try to tell him about you.

Making him chose between you and them when he has just lost his dad is hideous.

Of course they can only go through you they are being ridiculous.
I agree solicitors asap amd tell them to fottfsof. They wont see your son again.

Poor lad i am sorry for both of you for your loss.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/08/2018 02:00

This is appalling and you have my utmost sympathy. I'm a long time widow, but I remember what the first years were like. Please have a reassuring arm stroke. Smile

And this on top? I'm outraged on your behaviour. These people do not deserve to be in your DS's life and this letter, with its absurd demands, looks like a way to potentially get them out.

I'd imagine any solicitor will turn them down flat and insist that contact (if any) be arranged through you. I don't think any court would uphold their demands. Your DS is only 12. They can only expect to negotiate access through you, and you need to tell them that owing to their previous behaviour you aren't prepared to let him see them.

Everything these days is supposed to be about what's good for the child, rather than the demands of competing adults. He's a child, not a bone to fight over. Your DS having unsupervised contact with his GPs is demonstrably harmful to your DS

MakeItStopNeville · 17/08/2018 02:18

I agree that they sound awful but I’d try and remember that they’re also grieving and this may not be bringing the best out of them. That said, protecting your son is your priority.

I think this might be a situation where it’s all about time. But you’re not doing anything wrong by saying that’s not a positive environment for your son right now. And I’m sorry got your loss x

MakeItStopNeville · 17/08/2018 02:18

*for

KeepServingTheDrinks · 17/08/2018 02:38

Flowers from me too for your loss. I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation.

I have something controversial to say though....

Whilst I agree with every post above.
And whilst I also agree they are both cunts.
I would point out that in 3 short years, your DS will be 15, and totally capable of getting himself to and from his GPs place, if he should change his mind and choose to do that.

We only have your POV on this thread (of course) so none of us know how they see it.

And we don't know how close you live to them?

But I would say that with a 12 year old, you only have a very short window where you're in control. In a blink of an eye, your child can - and will - make his own choice. And whatever he's saying to you now, he may not stick to that if he wants to connect with his heritage.

SalemBlackCat · 17/08/2018 02:41

I don't agree you should see your solicitor. You have no reason to. By all this, I mean they are clearly harmful to your son, and should not have any contact with him. At all. Ever. Until he is say 18.

By what you have said, they don't like him even. They have disinherited him. They abuse you and bad mouth you to him. How is spending time with them of any benefit to your son?

There is no need to speak to a solicitor. Your son no longer visits them. That is all there is to it.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2018 02:42

Yes, definitely see a solicitor. I'd also stop any contact with them.

You don't want a situation where they become a large part of his life. That opens doors to them taking you to court for legal access. Things are changing in regards to grandparents having access rights and you don't want to find yourself in a legal battle because they try to build a case that they have had a large role in his life. Plus, it is very likely that if they get him alone they will be trying to poison him against you. I know they wouldn't succeed, but neither you nor your son need that in your lives.

I may be going overboard, but is there any chance that you could relocate farther away from them? They sound so toxic.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/08/2018 02:51

The scenario you describe could indeed come to pass, SalemBlackCat. But I doubt it. OP describes her in laws as fuelled by a mixture of grief over their only son, drink and hatred for me.

Boys are generally very protective of their mothers. I can't imagine many putting up with, let alone being drawn to, people as poisonous as OP describes. Were some restoration of the bond occur, it would presumably be as a result of changes in the behaviour of his GPs.

You point out that we only have OP's pov, but I can't imagine any situation in which GPs would be reasonable to demand unsupervised access to their 12 y.o GS and insist that his DM be excluded. It's intrinsically nuts.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/08/2018 02:52

Sorry. My reply was to KeepServingTheDrinks.

KC225 · 17/08/2018 03:21

I am stunned that Grandparents would behave so poisonously to a grieving child. To not let him in if you take him there, to write and tell him he is disinherited. It's awful.

Are their any uncles and aunts, cousins - anyone else on your late husband's side of the family that could be a positive link for your DS?

I would not encourage that kind of negativity. If you are going to contact a solicitor, ensure the wording uses their pahrasing and it states that this is a letter in response to theirs as they sound like the kind of people who will ignore their letter to you and your response back will have cut THEM off.

sue51 · 17/08/2018 12:47

Hope all went well at the solicitors. This is a horrible thing to cope with on top of your grief. How can people behave so despicably?

Hissy · 17/08/2018 13:18

I'd be proper raging if anyone did that to my boy!

We have to protect them against people like these. My own dad is super critical of everyone, shredded me my entire life, and then has started on DS. So that was that.

My mother hurt my DS physically (but would, of course, deny to the end of days, but I know what she did) so that was that with her too.

I won't even let his own dad have direct contact with him because I know how manipulative he is. He is incapable of putting anyone except himself first.

Our life/family is pretty small, but I do the job I need to do of keeping toxic people away from him, while educating him on what's acceptable treatment of us. those who add to our lives are kept in it, those who harm us are not.

DickTERFin · 17/08/2018 13:34

I wouldn’t waste money on a solicitor. Grandparents have no legal rights and cannot compel you to give access to your son, with or without your involvement.

TBH I think they are giving you a gift in being able to severe any connection between them and you and your son in a way that places the blame where it should be, on them. Explain to your son that they have made contact impossible for the time being but should he chose to contact them independently at 16, then you will support him but prepare him for their rejection.

Then go and live your life free from their toxicity. These people have nothing of worth to offer you.

cobwebsinthebelfry · 17/08/2018 13:55

Firstly, I'm very sad for the loss to you and DS.

The threats and solicitor's letter (probably sent against advice) might well be something they regret in time. It would be outrageously stupid of PIL to alienate you and cut out their late son's child from any legacy, small or not, in a fit of pique.

They are behaving hatefully to you because you are alive and their son is not, it's not unusual to find this even though it makes little sense. To realise that their campaign is also hurting DS is probably beyond them at the moment, since they appear not to be acknowledging your own bereavement.

You might feel able to take the line that in their distress and grief PIL have acted uncharacteristically poorly and you could offer to put that behind you for the sake of the remaining family members.

Give it a bit of time before you decide to go NC, although I understand very well your inclination to do so, because people such as you describe can become entrenched in their attitudes and unable to tolerate any criticism, feeling that it is made solely to hurt them.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/08/2018 13:55

That's no longer true, DickTERFin. Grandparents can go to court over contact. There was a recent thread in which the poor OP had to allow her own, very toxic, parents access to her DD because they'd taken the issue to court. OK, the GPs need the money to take such action but if they have it they can do it.

However I can't imagine that this is anything but theoretical in this family's case. The GPs have behaved so badly.

Piffle11 · 17/08/2018 13:59

Grandparents should be enriching your DS's life, not bringing misery and insecurity into it. For the disinherited comment alone I would go NC. Whether they like you or not, they should be biting their tongues and being civil to you in order to keep seeing their DGS. They will do him more harm than good, and I certainly wouldn't be facilitating any get-togethers between the 3 of them. Horrible, vile people.

Piffle11 · 17/08/2018 14:02

Also, they are saying things to your DS in the hope that he will turn against you. Do not let them do this. I don't know if you initiate any contact - if so, stop. Start writing down everything that they say/do: if they do go to court for access their spiteful actions and words will definitely go against them.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 17/08/2018 14:09

Grow up or miss your grandson growing up would be my take on it.

misspops · 17/08/2018 14:11

They sound like absolute creatures.
I’m sorry you are all grieving, but their behaviour is despicable. I hope your son is not too badly affected by this horrid situation.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 17/08/2018 14:12

Court action is a two-step process for grandparents. Firstly they have to apply for permission (“leave”) to make an application. If granted they can then apply for contact.

You can oppose both.

The child’s wishes and feelings, in light of his age and understanding, will be taken into account. At 12 what he says will carry a lot of weight.

Guienne · 17/08/2018 14:17

I agree that I can't really see any need for you to see solicitors. At this stage all you need to do is to reply to say something to the effect that if they want contact with your son the only way it is going to happen is via you, take it or leave it.