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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why people don't adopt more?

238 replies

TheOtherMother4 · 16/08/2018 21:26

To clarify, I don't have any children of my own and really don't want to offend anyone but I was thinking about the lengths people go to for IVF, especially in countries such as the USA where it can't be covered by a health service and was wondering why people don't adopt more often. I understand that it may not be the same if you were unable to conceive naturally but surely if you wanted a child that badly then you could adopt and drastically help an existing child's life. Just wondering.

OP posts:
idonthaveatattoo · 16/08/2018 23:53

That isn’t what I said, is it, ted?

But I do not agree with our system in the U.K.

Ted27 · 16/08/2018 23:56

you said very clearly that children should be with birth parents unless its truly dangerous

idonthaveatattoo · 16/08/2018 23:58

well I do think the conditions you describe would be classed as dangerous, don’t you?

Metoodear · 16/08/2018 23:59

sugaredcornflakes

Just to let you know they don’t really put teens up for adoption the cut off is about 7

They only do it in The US

AthenaisdeRochechouart · 17/08/2018 00:00

idonthaveatattoo - you don't know what you're talking about, do you?

Allthatsnot · 17/08/2018 00:02

I have friends who spent 2 years trying to adopt instead of trying to have a baby becaus they desperately wanted to adopt. They had a lovely house, good jobs, no children. They were deemed unsuitable for a ridiculous reason 2 years into the process so they had no choice but to have their own children or remain childless.

idonthaveatattoo · 17/08/2018 00:15

I won’t claim expertise.

But I don’t have to be an expert to know it’s not for me.

And I do disagree with how we deal with adoption in this country.

I am not an expert, but I’m not s complete ignoramus either, as it happens.

Elllicam · 17/08/2018 00:16

I would say the acts of unspeakable cruelty happen to the children who are not adopted and instead left with violent, abusive parents who end up harming them or in some cases killing them.

SemperIdem · 17/08/2018 00:47

idont

Whilst I am sure you are by no means stupid - you quite clearly know very little of the care system in the UK, the ins and outs of why a child is removed from its parents. The reasons why they are not.

I’m not an adoptive parent - through work I have seen what happens to children when they are left with parents who simply cannot parent. I have, through my private life, seen how adoption can be the very best thing.

You seem aggressively anti-adoption. It is a shame you view it so negatively. Not because you should want to do so yourself but because you are speaking really quite disrespectfully of happy families, for no reason than they chose a different route to you, to have the family unit they dreamed of.

Ted27 · 17/08/2018 00:57

such conditions are very survivable, many children exist in these conditions for years with parents given chance after chance.

I have no problem with anyone saying adoption is not for them, its clearly not right for everyone. I don't have any particular issues for the reasons people give - everyone is entitled to their own feelings.

What I do struggle with is people who don't understand that in most cases, birth parents are given chance after chance to look after their children adequately and what being in the impermanence of the care system does to children.

ItWasAlIADream · 17/08/2018 01:02

I wouldnt even consider it and I would be unsuitable anyway.

AthenaisdeRochechouart · 17/08/2018 01:34

I shudder to think of the joy, fulfilment, fun and love we would have missed out on had we not adopted DD.

BertieBotts · 17/08/2018 01:38

Children are not like dogs and it is not as simple as finding them a nice home.

User467 · 17/08/2018 01:40

I have two biological children and have given a lot of consideration to adopting. It's something my heart really wants to do, but my head is scared. I am not adopted but have been with someone through the contacting birth parent process and have seen the wide range of complex emotions that are involved. This has partly increased my desire to adopt,but has also made me realise just how a complex a process it is. Not the actual adoption process, but the emotions all tied up with an adopted child. There are just so many what ifs. What if I don't feel the same way about an adopted child as I do about my biological? What if during the difficult times I regret my decision? What if this is the wrong decision for the two children I already have, after all they are currently my main priority? Does having my biological children alter the way I would feel? But then what if it was amazing? What if we end up with another fabulous child in our family? I'm scared to make the decision and know it's the right one for a child who has already been through so much.

bananafish81 · 17/08/2018 01:44

"Adoption is about giving a child a home, not an infertile couple a child

Reasons why infertile couples have been rejected as adopters

Too old
Not the right ethnicity
Not the right religion
Don't already have children
Self employed
Both partners work
Rent not own
Have debt
Any current or previous mental health issues
Any current or previous physical health issues
BMI too high
Have a dog
Difficult childhood
No family close by
Not enough outside space
Not enough bedrooms
Any previous relationship issues

Most parents wouldn't get approved to adopt their own children!

A friend is going through the adoption process and most of the couples in her cohort have dropped out because the process of being torn to shreds by social workers was so emotionally gruelling

Many children in the care system come with a set of complex needs and need to go to home which contains the specialised skills sets to support these children. It’s not the 50s. The children waiting to be adopted are toddlers and older children who have frequently stayed in neglectful and abusive home situations for far too long often resulting in severe attachment issues. Vulnerable infertile couples are often not the right homes for these children (some are) but that is why a heartbreaking large number of adoptions fail.

Adopted children are not the answer for infertility

Very very strong stable parents with great support networks who are able to cope with very complex needs are the answer to adopted children

If adoption before reproduction is to be encouraged then this should be for everyone, not just those with fertility issues.

AthenaisdeRochechouart · 17/08/2018 01:46

Children are not like dogs and it is not as simple as finding them a nice home

has anyone suggested this?

Graphista · 17/08/2018 01:52

I've relatives who adopted.

It's no longer the case that it's newborn or young babies or even toddlers that are the children needing adopted.

Access to free contraception, free abortions, the lack of stigma around young parenting now means that there just aren't lots of teen mums giving up babies from unplanned pregnancies.

Most of the children are ones who were legally removed from the parents for neglect, abuse, who have all the associated problems caused by this like fas, other disabilities and conditions. Plus the understandable psychological consequences of a chaotic early childhood.

Plus even where there's been clear abuser/neglect there's a lot of red tape to remove a parents rights.

Then there's numerous reasons people may not be suitable to adopt - their own health and psychological issues, finances etc or who just aren't temperamentally suited to coping with all the complex needs of adopting a child who's had a difficult start.

Plus not everyone wants to even consider it - it's a very personal decision.

Prior to having dd I had 2 mc and a Dx that meant I may have not had my own child. I broached the idea with ex he wasn't interested. He'd no experience of it personally but had known someone adopted (school friend) and seen how it was a challenging decision to make and not one he felt able for. Whereas I had a different experience and felt positively about adoption.

We were able to have dd, but medically I couldn't have any more. But those medical reasons also ruled me out for adoption.

I do think it should become better known that single adults can adopt, I still come across a lot of people that don't know that.

hiptobeasquare · 17/08/2018 01:53

I am an adoptive parent I have a 2.5 year old. The process of adoption is emotionally draining and complex.
Lots of people would not feel the same about an adopted child as they would a birth child.
Adopted children all have various levels of needs and have all experienced a trauma in their lives which as an adoptive parent you have to help them unpack and understand.
The whole “just adopt” mentality is ridiculous. You have to be 100% committed. It is not a last resort.
Being put up for adoption in the uk can take ages, birth parents are given lots of chances to get themselves together. It is not a decision the court takes lightly.

TattyTShirt · 17/08/2018 01:56

An adoptive home should be all about the needs of a child. It is not and never has been about the needs of a couple desperate for a child, who couldn't have their own so settled for second best. That's not how adoption works.

There is much more consideration, thought and stoic views about adopting a dog on mumsnet than adopting a child.

bananafish81 · 17/08/2018 02:04

It's not just about a biological link - although in many cases that is a factor

Lots and lots of couples have treatment with donor eggs, sperm or embryos.

That is a very different experience to adopting a child with very complex need with living birth parents, and all that entails

AthenaisdeRochechouart · 17/08/2018 02:10

Not all adoptive children are damaged or traumatised or have complex needs or attachment problems. I'm not trying to sugar coat adoption, but it's not fair on the kids to give them these labels if they don't apply.

hiptobeasquare · 17/08/2018 02:16

Athena they have all experienced trauma. Being removed from birth family and the foster family is traumatic regardless of age.

AthenaisdeRochechouart · 17/08/2018 02:34

Ok, I'll tell my DD(13) that she's experienced trauma. She may beg to differ but you know better and insist on lumping all adoptees together.

midgesummer · 17/08/2018 02:53

I think it is fair to say that all adoptive DC have experienced traumatic events, being permanently removed from your birth parents and moving through foster carers and then adoptive parents are traumatic events. What has huge variation is the resilience to the events, some DC have very high resilience, others have lower resilience. This is the subject of research at present but it isn't currently clear what will lead to a DC having high or low resilience.

Dismalweathertoday · 17/08/2018 03:00

I knew a lovely couple whose marriage broke down after they went through the adoption process unsuccessfully. I can't comment on the precise reasons why they were rejected but I believe that a long-term health condition played a big part.

I should add that neither of them believed that the adoption process should be made any easier - they both agreed that it needs to be as rigorous as it is, because it's about the child's needs. However, they both found the process incredibly traumatic. Not necessarily more traumatic than IVF would have been, but distressing in a different way - the wife, in particular, had to spend a lot of time going over some of the worst experiences of her life again.