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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite Ex to theme park instead of DP?

102 replies

Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 02:20

DS is turning 4 soon and I’m planning on taking him and DD8 to Legoland on his actual birthday.
Ex and I split up when DS was only a few months old but have an amicable relationship and would go as far as to say we’re friends these days.
My issue is I often end up doing things on my own with my DC and when it comes to rides my DD often has to go on her own as there’s 3 of us and I usually have to go on rides with DS as he’s younger (rides often stipulate younger kids must be accompanied by an adult). I feel sorry for DD because she misses out a bit because of this.
Been with DP for 3 years and ideally would love him to come... but he has 2 DCs, eldest is 13 and wouldn’t be interested in coming but I know my DP wouldn’t come on a day out like this with us without inviting his 9yo DD which means again an odd number of people.
Also if I’m honest I want the day to be just my DCs as his DD tends to take over and I want there to be a happy fun atmosphere for DS’s birthday - there’s some minor conflict/competitiveness between her and DD8 at the moment, it’s generally ok but I don’t want any fallings out or drama for DS on his birthday trip. We do so much together with her so she’s never excluded from our days out, however she does things on her own with her mum and I don’t feel obligated to invite her whenever I do things with my children as they deserve some one on one time with me too.

So that inevitably rules out DP from coming.
Anyway... I thought maybe DS’s dad would like to come with us? We are doing a joint birthday party for DS this year at a soft play and thought it might be nice for Ex to enjoy the day out with our son also.

DP is really not happy about this as he thinks it’s weird... him and his Ex don’t communicate at all so he finds the friendliness between myself and DS’s dad uncomfortable. But I find it weird that he has no relationship with the mother of his children whatsoever, no talking/texts - nothing (her doing, not his tbf). I understand that he finds it odd but we are genuinely just trying our best to muddle through and co-parent happily. He doesn’t object to us going together at all but he obviously wouldn’t come without his DD9.

AIBU to ask Ex to come with us in this situation? I think DS would really enjoy it and it means my DD would also have company on the rides/not have to ride any bigger rides alone whilst I wait with DS.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/08/2018 02:30

YANBU

You've been clear about why you want your Ex to come. Perhaps you haven't told him his DD takes over...bit it allows your DD to go on the rides.

A good copartenting relationship benefits the DC.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 02:35

He knows she takes over... she does it in every social situation with other children. It’s a bit of a running joke within the family about how bossy she is at times.
The issue is my DD is particularly sensitive to it at the moment and I really don’t want them bickering with the whole “she did this/she said that” nonsense on that day as I think it’s unfair for DS to have to put up with it.

OP posts:
numbmum83 · 16/08/2018 02:36

I get both sides. I would hate to think of my partner playing happy families with their ex but realistically it is your child's birthday so you have to put his happiness before your partner's.
If he won't go without his Daughter I think go ahead and invite your ex , he's your children's Dad.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 02:39

DP also finds it a bit strange that DD and Ex get on well as she isn’t his child. But he is her brother’s dad and fair play to him he has made a real effort to include her in most things. DP has a bit of a barrier up with DD because of his DD’s jealously/insecurity and perhaps it’s touched a nerve as he knows he should be making more of an effort with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 02:40

We’re not playing happy families, but we are both DS’s family. I have no desire to spend extended periods of time with my Ex but on this occasion mostly for practical reasons I think it makes sense.

OP posts:
TheRoadLessRocky · 16/08/2018 06:33

I think it's a lovely idea. How nice for your children that you can be separated but they still get to enjoy a day out with both their parents (step- in dd's case). It's such a healthy attitude to it. I know your DP is your current partner but I would take his opinion on this with a pinch of salt, due to the way he treats your DD. If your ex can still try to include her as part of his family when he has no legal or biological reason to, then your DP needs to step up his game with his relationship to her.

Not sure how you'd deal with DP over it. But your children shouldn't miss out on a nicer day out, and a good relationship with their parents just to appease your dp's feelings over his crap relationship with his ex.

adaline · 16/08/2018 06:34

I see both sides too. It's very easy for people to come on and say he's being pathetic and needs to grow up, but I don't think it's always easy to know your partner is spending the day with their ex, even if it's for the sake of the children.

I think him feeling upset and a bit put out is totally normal - I'd definitely feel that way in his shoes. But saying that he has no right to stop you and his upset shouldn't be the reason your son can't have a day out with both his parents.

TidyDancer · 16/08/2018 06:39

Apologies if I've missed this but have you actually asked your dp to come without his dd? If he refuses then presumably he's made the choice for you and therefore he has no grounds to moan about this.

Plumsofwrath · 16/08/2018 06:39

Delicate situation, you’ve explained it really well.

I think if could help DP understand what’s going on, talk him through the situation, accept how he finds your relationship with ex weird (but obvs good-weird), that might help him see.

As you say, ultimately it would be the best outcome for DS on his birthday, nobody will be put out by it (DP’s DD9 does stuff with her Mum, this is no different), and everyone might potentially gain.

headinthecloud · 16/08/2018 06:41

I get both sides for him and also totally understand where you are coming from and think it would be lovely for DS. Would DP come and not invite his daughter as a compromise?

ScrubTheDecks · 16/08/2018 06:43

I don’t think it is remotely weird and you don’t have to work so hard to justify your reasons. It’s a day out for your Ds and you have invited his Dad with whom you are friends.

Just get on with it.

Cheby · 16/08/2018 06:49

Well, he has a choice, doesn’t he? He can choose to come with you without his DD, or he can choose to let DS’s dad come along instead. I’d offer him those options.

But I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with attending events for the children together, as coparents. It’s good practice for future weddings, graduations etc!

TeenTimesTwo · 16/08/2018 06:51

Completely off topic, but how good is Legoland for a 4 year old?
Is he really into lego? If not, have you considered bombing down the M3 to Paulton's Park near Southampton instead? Plus side of that is it is less 'cool' for a 13yo so they won't feel they are missing out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2018 06:57

YANBU at all.

Is it definitely on a day he has his DC?

TerrieTibbs · 16/08/2018 07:13

You shouldn't need to worry about this.

It's all about the children, DS in particular of course being the birthday boy, and what would work best.

Adults need to take a back seat sometimes, and should understand that. I'd have no problem with this from the perspective of being any of the adults in the situation.

Anonymumm · 16/08/2018 07:19

I can see both sides but at the end of the day, this is about and for the kids, which is your main priority - I think it's a lovely idea, and DP has to suck it up.
It's great to hear you have such a positive relationship with your ex DH too.
Hope you all have a great time :-)

funinthesun18 · 16/08/2018 08:04

I was about to question why you’d rather have your ex come with you than your dp. But when you mentioned it’s because his dd would end up coming I think that’s fine. This day out is about your ds not his stepsister who in your own words takes over. It would also cost more money and change the dynamic of the day if she came.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 09:55

DP will not do anything at all with me and my DCs without asking his younger DD. Even if it’s her mum’s weekend he will insist she comes swimming/to the park/for a pub lunch. I totally get it, he feels guilty doing things with me and my kids without her there and doesn’t want her to feel excluded. If she can’t or doesn’t want to come then neither will he.

I’m 100% fine with this but it does mean that I end up on my own a lot with my DCs at the weekend if I want to do anything for them. It can be a bit lonely and as I’ve said before my DD misses out on things with me as I inevitably have to supervise DS more closely due to his age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 10:00

Also I want to make it clear that I really like his DD so it’s not a case of I just don’t want her there, but it will change the dynamic of the whole day out.

@TeenTimesTwo Legoland is amazing for small children. Last time I went was when DD was 3.5yo and age could go on every ride. We’re in the Midlands so it’s only 1.5hrs away.
It’s also not too babyish for DD who is now 8 to enjoy so I thought it was a better choice than for example Thomas Land at Drayton Manor or CBeebies Land. I think both of my DCs will enjoy it

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 16/08/2018 10:04

Definitely awkward but I agree with you about always inviting his dd
Give it a last go with him, this is x birthday, would you like to come with us?
Ok well I'm inviting ex to join us then.
At least you gave him the choice.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 16/08/2018 10:25

I dont have a partner but I have done birthdays for my daughter when she was younger with her dad and even occasionally with his girlfriend and their kids and it was all amicable. I think it would be nice for your son to have both his parents there for his birthday.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 10:25

Yeah I think I’ll just explain what I have done here. I know he’ll say no though and question why I don't want to invite his DD so it makes it awkward 😬

OP posts:
witchhazelblue · 16/08/2018 10:32

I get where you're coming from OP but it does sound a bit like 'either you come without your child or not at all and btw my ex will come instead' which isn't very nice. I would be really hurt if my DP did that to me.

But I do appreciate you have a tough situation here and whatever you decide should be for your DS. Is this definitely what he wants for his birthday?

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 16/08/2018 10:34

Your do sounds like bloody hard work and I say this as a parent and a step parent with a more unusual than most set up. He won’t go even if his dd can’t or won’t go? Sorry I wouldn’t even be discussing this that gently with him. Your ex is your ds dad and it is great that you can spend time together. I get what you mean about having no burning desire to spend the day with your ex but can and will in situations like this and it’s a great example to set for the the dc.

fuzzyfozzy · 16/08/2018 10:36

Just explain it's her birthday and you don't want it taken over