Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite Ex to theme park instead of DP?

102 replies

Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 02:20

DS is turning 4 soon and I’m planning on taking him and DD8 to Legoland on his actual birthday.
Ex and I split up when DS was only a few months old but have an amicable relationship and would go as far as to say we’re friends these days.
My issue is I often end up doing things on my own with my DC and when it comes to rides my DD often has to go on her own as there’s 3 of us and I usually have to go on rides with DS as he’s younger (rides often stipulate younger kids must be accompanied by an adult). I feel sorry for DD because she misses out a bit because of this.
Been with DP for 3 years and ideally would love him to come... but he has 2 DCs, eldest is 13 and wouldn’t be interested in coming but I know my DP wouldn’t come on a day out like this with us without inviting his 9yo DD which means again an odd number of people.
Also if I’m honest I want the day to be just my DCs as his DD tends to take over and I want there to be a happy fun atmosphere for DS’s birthday - there’s some minor conflict/competitiveness between her and DD8 at the moment, it’s generally ok but I don’t want any fallings out or drama for DS on his birthday trip. We do so much together with her so she’s never excluded from our days out, however she does things on her own with her mum and I don’t feel obligated to invite her whenever I do things with my children as they deserve some one on one time with me too.

So that inevitably rules out DP from coming.
Anyway... I thought maybe DS’s dad would like to come with us? We are doing a joint birthday party for DS this year at a soft play and thought it might be nice for Ex to enjoy the day out with our son also.

DP is really not happy about this as he thinks it’s weird... him and his Ex don’t communicate at all so he finds the friendliness between myself and DS’s dad uncomfortable. But I find it weird that he has no relationship with the mother of his children whatsoever, no talking/texts - nothing (her doing, not his tbf). I understand that he finds it odd but we are genuinely just trying our best to muddle through and co-parent happily. He doesn’t object to us going together at all but he obviously wouldn’t come without his DD9.

AIBU to ask Ex to come with us in this situation? I think DS would really enjoy it and it means my DD would also have company on the rides/not have to ride any bigger rides alone whilst I wait with DS.

OP posts:
Everyoneiswingingit · 16/08/2018 11:20

I do worry about some childrens' current and future mental health. So many parents break up when the DC are so young. Coming from a happy family and parents' happily together, I guess I took all that for granted, that they would just always be there, one unit, no upheaval, no difficult relationships or sensitivities to tiptoe around. Growing up can be tough enough!

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 11:21

truly She just has no interest in talking to him and it’s done through their eldest DD. She can be quite a difficult woman but she left DP for another man 8 years ago (SD9 was only 1 at the time) so there’s no residual anger on her part but she sees no point in talking to him when SD13 has a mobile phone and can do it for her. I suppose that can be the beauty of having older kids whereas I have to be in regular contact with my Ex as DS is too little to share important information between parents.

She has no issue with SD coming to us whenever she wants, so in that sense it is amicable between them. Tbh I think she quite enjoys the break and being child free at the weekends and I can’t say I blame her for that Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 11:26

Everyone well you were very lucky to have that experience and that your parents were happy together in the long term. Unfortunately things don’t always work out like that and I think it’s better to separate amicably than have two unhappy parents raising children who know they are only together for their sake. Personally I think that is far more damaging to a child’s mental health and well-being

OP posts:
Everyoneiswingingit · 16/08/2018 11:31

Oh yes I didn't mean that OP. I just mean that there is already a great difficulty for the chn to overcome and when others involved don't cooperate for the good of the chn it can be damaging. I think you sound like you are trying really hard to do the right thing. Flowers

Bekabeech · 16/08/2018 11:39

DP will not do anything at all with me and my DCs without asking his younger DD. Even if it’s her mum’s weekend he will insist she comes swimming/to the park/for a pub lunch. I totally get it, he feels guilty doing things with me and my kids without her there and doesn’t want her to feel excluded. If she can’t or doesn’t want to come then neither will he.

I do think this is not a situation that is tenable long term.
If you get a sudden treat of McDonalds - do you have to phone her and invite her just so she doesn't feel left out?
Yes to not leaving her out of big things, but the odd activity on weekends she is with her Mum - thats part of split families. Surely she will be getting to do some "fun stuff" with her own Mum as well - so this leads to twice the treats. And I do feel sorry for her big brother a bit.

Your solutions sounds fine to me - for all the reasons you give.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 16/08/2018 11:43

You've thought through all the permutations and it makes sense for your ex to come along, especially as it will be nicer for the birthday boy to have his mum and dad there, not have to share the limelight and have a smaller group focussed on him.

If your DP has an issue with it then he needs to suck it up, because its not about him or his DD, its about your DS. I know these situations are hard - I had to deal with my DP going to Center Parcs for the weekend with his ex, which was a proper kick in the teeth. However, I had to accept that this (long story!) was how it was and that if I trust him its nothing to worry about.

Blended families are hard. But you need to be able to be up front and honest with each other and understand that everyone's situation is different. Just because he wouldn't do it with his ex, doesn't mean you shouldn't.

trulybadlydeeply · 16/08/2018 11:43

Ah, then I can see why he finds your relationship with your ex a bit weird then, as his experience has been so different, and can see where perhaps some of his behaviour, that on the surface looks a little odd, is stemming from.

I can totally understand his ex enjoying child free time - I only wish that my STBEXH could have my two a bit more, as I am missing out on one of the "perks" of separation. A child free weekend sounds wonderful (much as I love them) Grin

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 11:48

Yes she does plenty of fun stuff with her mum.
It’s not as little as quibbling over a McDonald’s but if we planned for example to go for Sunday lunch then we would have to invite SD. We couldn’t just go with me, DP and my DCs even when it’s her mum’s weekend. However, I’ve left my job to pursue a MSc so have had the summer off with my DCs and SD has started being resentful of going to the childminders on the days her mum works (it’s only 3 days a week so not everyday) and has taken to FaceTiming me to ask what I’m doing with my DCs the next day... I find myself lying to her sometimes because she makes me feel guilty for taking my DCs out for the day Sad but I don’t want the extra responsibility of looking after her all the time either.
This blended family stuff is a minefield and I’m just trying to do what’s best for all the kids involved but I think it’s also ok to put my DCs first once in a while.

I think I may ask my mum first before asking Ex just to keep the peace. It seems a shame because I know DS would love to have mummy and daddy for one day.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/08/2018 11:49

Your dp is being a bit silly by refusing to do anything without his DD even when it's not his weekend, especially when it's driven by her kicking off.

Take the ex.

I'm not sure it bodes well for your relationship in the long run, tho.

GreenTulips · 16/08/2018 11:53

Does he ever just take his DD somewhere on her own without you and the kids?

Sounds like he's doesn't - which is also strange

LowPainThreshold · 16/08/2018 11:53

@op before he massively fell out with his ex (long boring story) they used to spend every DSS's birthday together and go somewhere fun like Legoland. I thought it was lovely and it's a shame it doesn't happen anymore.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 11:56

@GreenTulips the weird thing is that he does loads just with his DC which we are frequently not invited to.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 16/08/2018 11:57

I really would invite a friend instead, there must be another adult who could go with you, surely? Or another mum with a kid who'd like to go?

I don't think it's fair to invite your ex because your DP can't/won't attend. I would be so upset with my OH if he said either I attend or he goes with his ex, even though I know that's not how you mean it to come across.

Bibidy · 16/08/2018 11:57

OR what about one of DD's school friends? That way she doesn't have to ride alone and you can still sit with your DS?

Bibidy · 16/08/2018 11:58

Just seen you plan to ask your mum...that's a good idea Smile

AgentJohnson · 16/08/2018 12:00

Your DP’s ‘guilt’ driven dynamic with his DD is his prerogative but you’d be crazy to let it dictate the interactions and relationship your son has with his father. Be very careful and don’t buy into your DP’s prioritisation of his DD over your own children’s needs. His DD isn’t the axis which you and your children should revolve around.

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 16/08/2018 12:01

Gosh, your stepdaughter can't be included in everything...what is she learning from all this apart from being entitled to everything?

Take anyone you can for the day, your kids are allowed to have some time on their own...she cannot attend everything. And her dad needs to step up and point out that your kids don't attend everything she does so it works both ways.

GreenTulips · 16/08/2018 12:02

the weird thing is that he does loads just with his DC which we are frequently not invited to

Why? Have you asked him?

Not even sure why you are with this man - he seems like hard work

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 16/08/2018 12:06

@Winosaurus

You have said your son will love it if his parents are together then that is your answer. Invite his dad to share in his birthday make the day all about him.
Why should you ask your mum or a friend your son would prefer his daddy there. You are not doing anything wrong and sound like a lovely mum.

catlady34 · 16/08/2018 12:09

Not even sure why you are with this man - he seems like hard work

LOL yes LTB for loving his children... jeez Hmm

youarenotkiddingme · 16/08/2018 12:15

I think it's fine.

It's not you going with ex. It's ds going with his dad.

I remember taking my ds out for a trip with my XP now XW. (His DP at the time).

He found it really weird we got on and was really pleased when she asked him in front of me if he'd rather we hated each other and ds got caught in the middle or rather we both got on and parented ds together in the way XP and I wanted him raised?

It's best for everyone of all adults involved can get on and those in relationships can trust their partner when they save it's them they love and want to be with but we are co parenting our child.

Missingstreetlife · 16/08/2018 12:30

Just ask him, your kids will be pleased. Dp should grow up.
Have a lovely day

AgentJohnson · 16/08/2018 12:30

It's not you going with ex. It's ds going with his dad.

This

If he refuses to see the difference than that tells you a lot about his maturity.

GreenTulips · 16/08/2018 13:25

LOL yes LTB for loving his children... jeez

It's not a question of him living his children but the control he wants over what OP does - he refuses to attend anything without his child - won't join OP on a day out or even a meal with his children, does loads with his own kids and doesn't invite OP or her children, yet if she does the same he's strops - he want some or all his own way - sounds really tedious

TacoLover · 16/08/2018 13:32

It's not a question of him living his children but the control he wants over what OP does - he refuses to attend anything without his child - won't join OP on a day out or even a meal with his children, does loads with his own kids and doesn't invite OP or her children, yet if she does the same he's strops - he want some or all his own way - sounds really tedious

He's not controlling the OP though is he. He's controlling himself by not going. He isn't saying that she can't go.

Swipe left for the next trending thread