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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite Ex to theme park instead of DP?

102 replies

Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 02:20

DS is turning 4 soon and I’m planning on taking him and DD8 to Legoland on his actual birthday.
Ex and I split up when DS was only a few months old but have an amicable relationship and would go as far as to say we’re friends these days.
My issue is I often end up doing things on my own with my DC and when it comes to rides my DD often has to go on her own as there’s 3 of us and I usually have to go on rides with DS as he’s younger (rides often stipulate younger kids must be accompanied by an adult). I feel sorry for DD because she misses out a bit because of this.
Been with DP for 3 years and ideally would love him to come... but he has 2 DCs, eldest is 13 and wouldn’t be interested in coming but I know my DP wouldn’t come on a day out like this with us without inviting his 9yo DD which means again an odd number of people.
Also if I’m honest I want the day to be just my DCs as his DD tends to take over and I want there to be a happy fun atmosphere for DS’s birthday - there’s some minor conflict/competitiveness between her and DD8 at the moment, it’s generally ok but I don’t want any fallings out or drama for DS on his birthday trip. We do so much together with her so she’s never excluded from our days out, however she does things on her own with her mum and I don’t feel obligated to invite her whenever I do things with my children as they deserve some one on one time with me too.

So that inevitably rules out DP from coming.
Anyway... I thought maybe DS’s dad would like to come with us? We are doing a joint birthday party for DS this year at a soft play and thought it might be nice for Ex to enjoy the day out with our son also.

DP is really not happy about this as he thinks it’s weird... him and his Ex don’t communicate at all so he finds the friendliness between myself and DS’s dad uncomfortable. But I find it weird that he has no relationship with the mother of his children whatsoever, no talking/texts - nothing (her doing, not his tbf). I understand that he finds it odd but we are genuinely just trying our best to muddle through and co-parent happily. He doesn’t object to us going together at all but he obviously wouldn’t come without his DD9.

AIBU to ask Ex to come with us in this situation? I think DS would really enjoy it and it means my DD would also have company on the rides/not have to ride any bigger rides alone whilst I wait with DS.

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 16/08/2018 10:36

I’m in a similar situation op where I think the older child will change the dynamics of the day so I’m having to arrange a day out where it won’t involve the older child. It’s not about disliking them, but sometimes older children can get a bit sulky if they can’t do what they want when they want because of the younger ones. Sometimes it’s nice to focus on the younger ones without having to try and keep an older one happy. After all, why do days out always have to revolve around older kids? Smile

JenFromTheGlen · 16/08/2018 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flyme21 · 16/08/2018 10:41

He sounds a bit of a pain to be honest. He won't do an outing with you and your family if his DD can't go? Even when it's her time with her Mum rather than him? That's bloody ridiculous and sounds as if he doesn't consider you and your children to be part of his family unit. I'd have to have a hard think about that if it was me.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 10:45

Exactly fun! My DD and DS get on really well (most of the time) so it’ll be a really easy breezy day. If DP’s DD comes then my DD and her will be niggling at each other - not blaming SD solely for this btw as my DD is just as much of a nuisance with her. It’s a bit tit for tat currently.

Also my DS adores my DP as we have a household full of girls so DS naturally wants to hang out with DP a lot - for example wants to sit with him to watch a “boys film” or play cars etc .
SD gets insanely jealous of this and actively tries to push him out and away from her dad. Again I totally understand where she is coming from and why she does this, but on DS’s birthday I don’t want this happening to him. It has often left him upset and confused and I just want him to have a lovely day.

OP posts:
serbska · 16/08/2018 10:47

Invite his dad, it would be a nice day if you can maintain a friendly relationship with him.

CombineBananaFister · 16/08/2018 10:48

Yanbu. Perfectly understandable in those circumstances, it's about your DS.
Tbh, as admirable as it is that he never wants his DD to miss out, I think he is BU to not do anything without her and with your DS. I dont see how that's going to be sustainable forever and it's very unfair on you and your DC.
I mean it's important he expects her to be included (rightly so) but spending time with them shouldn't be mutually exclusive.

thinkingaboutfostering · 16/08/2018 10:49

Could you not all go? Take Ex and DP + SD? That way you have equal numbers and 1 adult per child and can pair off as you like!

You could then each have a special day with DS whilst not leaving anyone out.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 10:51

Jen what will inevitably happen if we all go is SD will end up sticking to her dad like glue if we all go together and it’ll end up an us and them situation, which defeats the point in going. I can’t see DP wanting to hang out with my Ex either tbh so he’ll end up going off with his DD so there’s no point in going. Also 2 x cars for all of us as there would be 6.
I just one nice day for my children without having to navigate the difficult dynamics of our blended family situation.
Also on the flipside, when the girls get along they end up leaving DS out which is fine when we’re at home, but not on his birthday. He adores his big sister and when they’re alone they’re the best of friends and she will dote on him which he will love.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 16/08/2018 10:54

It sounds as though are bending over backwards (sometimes to the detriment of your DC's) to understand and include your SDD and OH.

He aint giving you the same consideration....I would be re-evaluating this to be honest

funinthesun18 · 16/08/2018 10:55

Oh I know what you mean when kids are on their own vs when they are with other kids. My dp’s dc is ok when she’s on her own but when she’s with her cousin who is the same age she turns really cocky, answers back, picks on the little ones to make herself look cool etc... I’ve refused point blank to have them both together on my own, let alone go on a day out with them!
So I understand why you wouldn’t want your dp’s dd with you as it will just change the dynamics and probably the atmosphere of they will be niggling at each other all day.

Everyoneiswingingit · 16/08/2018 11:00

I think you should do what is best for your son. I bet most kids would love a day out with their mum and dad, if they get on of course!

Jaxhog · 16/08/2018 11:02

Well if your DP won't come with you without his DD, then I don't see how he can object. Your DP won't make it about your DS, while your ex will. No brainer really.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 11:03

I literally never leave SD out. But I don’t consider this leaving her out... it’s just a day out with my DCs.

It would be nice for me to have my DP there to share our fun but I know it’s not going to happen.
Last weekend it was my friend’s DD’s 18th birthday party, bbq held at their home and friend said to bring DD along as her youngest DD is the same age so they could play whilst the party was going on. SD not invited as this particular friend has never met her, DS was with his dad for the weekend.
Anyway SD found out that her dad came to this party with us and all hell broke loose. She doesn’t know these people, hadn’t been invited, it was her mum’s weekend and still felt hard done by. So I can see why DP ends up inviting her everywhere... she ignored him for 2 days over it!

OP posts:
Flyme21 · 16/08/2018 11:04

Do what is best for you and your son. Tell your DP that it isn't weird and he's the one being weird. And personally I'd tackle him about why he doesn't go out with you and yours unless his daughter is available to join you. It seems to me that you're the one working to properly blend this family, he isn't helping.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 16/08/2018 11:04

It's your DS's birthday and I will be nice for him to have both his parents their. I think without all the back story that's still a fair enough reason. If you are both friendly enough why wouldn't you both spend DS's birthday with him anyway? It's not fair your DS will miss out because of your DP.

Everyoneiswingingit · 16/08/2018 11:07

Her parents need to talk to her. Sounds like she's struggling with her sense of belonging in the family set up. if all adults responsible for her give the same message it might help. By inviting her along to everything even when not appropriate just to keep her happy, they are creating a bit of a monster.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2018 11:09

I can't believe your DP won't go to things if his DD is unable to.

I think that's sending her the wrong message tbh. Absolutely include her if it's possible but for him not to go is mad.

Honeyroar · 16/08/2018 11:09

Could you invite both? Then the numbers are equal and your OH isn't left out. But tell your OH that your child dictates what happens and what rides they go on etc, not his DD (when I say dictates I don't mean in a stroppy way, more in a it's her day way).

trulybadlydeeply · 16/08/2018 11:12

If you can spend a day with your ex and it be totally amicable and relaxed, then the four of you going would be lovely for your DC. It's not at all weird, it's great.

However from what you have said, I find your DP's behaviour rather odd. He finds your amicable relationship with your ex weird - why? You say that the lack of contact between him and his ex is down to her, but do you know why? What happened in the relationship to lead to the relationship breaking down, and he not wanting any contact? (and not just what is his version of events). I also find it concerning that he insists on his DD coming along if he spends any time with your DC doing something. That's really odd, and must annoy his ex as well. Sorry, I know you didn't ask about this, but as an outsider I see concerns.

blueskiesandforests · 16/08/2018 11:14

The alternative is to invite a friend of DD's to sit with her on rides. That's what I would have done - Legoland is expensive, so I suppose that might be off putting, but apart from that it's the obvious answer if DD has a nice sensible friend? I have 3 kids and often take a 4th random kid along so that I don't have to go on rides at all Wink

Original poster
Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 11:15

@Honeyroar see my PPs about why I don’t want SD there just this one time.

I think DP is just so afraid of making her feel pushed out that he always puts her first. Again it’s understandable but I don’t think it’s necessarily healthy.
Usually it’s no bother at all having her join us for any activity and I quite like having her around. It’s just this one day... I don’t want the bickering. I don’t think DS has been old enough to remember any of his birthdays but I think he will remember this one and I want to make it special for him.

Also SD is invited to DS’s soft play area party the weekend before and her and DD have been given “important” roles during that as the big girls at the party Wink
SD loves to feel like she’s being helpful so she’s got the job of helping serve up the sandwiches etc. Sounds silly but she’ll love that.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 16/08/2018 11:16

So SS gets days out with her mother and I suppose extended family. Have you suggested to her that in those occasions your DD isn't invited? Probably neither is her dad?

I think you are trying to do a lovely thing - Can you ask a single friend instead of DS dad? Would that work?

Bibidy · 16/08/2018 11:16

I get where you're coming from OP but it does sound a bit like 'either you come without your child or not at all and btw my ex will come instead' which isn't very nice. I would be really hurt if my DP did that to me.

To be honest, I agree with the above. It's not much of a choice for him, even though I think he'd being ridiculous on insisting on taking his DD everywhere even when it's not his time with her.

He also needs to deal properly with her attitude about him going out without her - he's an adult, he can go where he wants!

Is there not a grandparent/sibling/friend you could take instead to make up the numbers?

timeisnotaline · 16/08/2018 11:16

The arrangement sounds fine. Your dp is creating a monster though, there are some miserable years ahead. If you go swimming on his dds mums weekend does he try and take her off her Mum? Or just not go? Weird. I wouldn’t let thats attitude slide, it’s ultimately very poor parenting and you will all suffer, your relationship with dp in particular.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2018 11:18

I agree with your partner op, it is strange. Imagine you were a Father doing this, people on here would be very suspicious. If I were your dp, I woulden't be happy either. But he needs to make an effort to go with you, and not on your own with the kids.