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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To invite Ex to theme park instead of DP?

102 replies

Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 02:20

DS is turning 4 soon and I’m planning on taking him and DD8 to Legoland on his actual birthday.
Ex and I split up when DS was only a few months old but have an amicable relationship and would go as far as to say we’re friends these days.
My issue is I often end up doing things on my own with my DC and when it comes to rides my DD often has to go on her own as there’s 3 of us and I usually have to go on rides with DS as he’s younger (rides often stipulate younger kids must be accompanied by an adult). I feel sorry for DD because she misses out a bit because of this.
Been with DP for 3 years and ideally would love him to come... but he has 2 DCs, eldest is 13 and wouldn’t be interested in coming but I know my DP wouldn’t come on a day out like this with us without inviting his 9yo DD which means again an odd number of people.
Also if I’m honest I want the day to be just my DCs as his DD tends to take over and I want there to be a happy fun atmosphere for DS’s birthday - there’s some minor conflict/competitiveness between her and DD8 at the moment, it’s generally ok but I don’t want any fallings out or drama for DS on his birthday trip. We do so much together with her so she’s never excluded from our days out, however she does things on her own with her mum and I don’t feel obligated to invite her whenever I do things with my children as they deserve some one on one time with me too.

So that inevitably rules out DP from coming.
Anyway... I thought maybe DS’s dad would like to come with us? We are doing a joint birthday party for DS this year at a soft play and thought it might be nice for Ex to enjoy the day out with our son also.

DP is really not happy about this as he thinks it’s weird... him and his Ex don’t communicate at all so he finds the friendliness between myself and DS’s dad uncomfortable. But I find it weird that he has no relationship with the mother of his children whatsoever, no talking/texts - nothing (her doing, not his tbf). I understand that he finds it odd but we are genuinely just trying our best to muddle through and co-parent happily. He doesn’t object to us going together at all but he obviously wouldn’t come without his DD9.

AIBU to ask Ex to come with us in this situation? I think DS would really enjoy it and it means my DD would also have company on the rides/not have to ride any bigger rides alone whilst I wait with DS.

OP posts:

Tessliketrees · 16/08/2018 13:36

God, blended families just sound like a nightmare. You all sound great (you, DP and ExDP) but those dynamics just sound like they are inevitably going to blow up.

Stimmyplip · 16/08/2018 13:36

I totally see his point but as a child from a broken home my parents both spending my birthday with me would have been a dream. And life changing.

Really, it's such a lovely thing to be able to do, please show your partner this thread and maybe he'll understand just how much it could mean to your son.

Tessliketrees · 16/08/2018 13:36

That post sounded awful, I meant blended families sound like a nightmare to navigate correctly. Not a nightmare to live in!

Stimmyplip · 16/08/2018 13:38

I see you're going to ask your Mum. Your Dh should suck it up. There are times kids needs come before parent's feelings and this is one of them.

Butterymuffin · 16/08/2018 13:41

SD has taken to FaceTiming me to ask what I’m doing with my DCs the next day

What? This is really not on. You don't get to participate in your DP's outings with his kids, but his youngest always has to be invited to yours and is now inviting herself along on your days alone with your kids too? This isn't a good set up for you at all.

MintyT · 16/08/2018 13:55

I think you need to be really careful that you don't have separate families, if your together then he should do things with you and your children and also all the children. You say it's lonely and I understand that. He needs to address his DD needs and also yours. Ask your EH and have a nice time if your DP doesn't like it needs needs to have a re think

PrettyLovely · 16/08/2018 13:59

I agree with @butterymuffin I dont think thats right at all.

It sounds like you make all the effort with his child but wheres his effort with your children? Him not even bothering to spend time with them on your weekends together when his daughter is with her Mum. Thats not on at all.
He had a choice to come he wont, so do as you please OP.

Thehop · 16/08/2018 14:01

It’s a good idea. Me and my exh had a few years of shared days out and even holidays when ours were v young because it made things better for them.

OctaviaOctober · 16/08/2018 14:41

LOL yes LTB for loving his children... jeez

If his DD is not available to go out with them, he stays behind. For no reason. It's possible to be too much of a package deal with your child...

Original poster

Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 15:14

I’ve decided to invite my mum, I just don’t want any drama or for my DP to feel like he has to choose between his DD and us.
DS’s dad will be at his birthday party the weekend before so he’ll still get to have both mummy and daddy there for that.

OP posts:

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 16/08/2018 15:22

@Winosaurus - I think that’s a shame for your son as daughter as he is now missing out on quality time with both his parents and his sister. A party although lovely won’t be the same.

As a PP said its not you going with your ex it’s your DS going with his mum and dad

Blending families isn’t difficult when adults put the interests of the child/children before their own wants and needs.
My DH’s ex wife came to my babies christenings and she comes to family parties as I wouldn’t want to exclude her but she also has one on one time with her daughter without us and yes we speak to DSD everyday she is with her mum but she certainly doesn’t facetime me/him/us to check what we are doing without her. My DH also doesn’t just not come to things because his DD can’t make it.

Your partner is the problem here he needs to step up and make an effort with your children or you need to rethink your relationship long term.

Flyme21 · 16/08/2018 15:34

What a bloody shame.

Original poster

Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 16:16

@Flyme agreed

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 16/08/2018 17:12

Shame your partner is putting his child's perceived (not actual) needs above your children, and you are letting him. He is making everything into a competition, surprised his daughters mother doesn't stop him on her weekends. Put your foot down op.

NameChangingParanoid · 16/08/2018 17:23

I don’t think YABU to want your ex there. It’s about your kids & I imagine they’d love spending time with both their parents.

This is why I hate blended families & hope never to be part of one again!

OutPinked · 16/08/2018 17:34

I can understand your DP’s point in all honesty. Whilst it’s nice you and ex are amicable, I’m not sure that should extend to spending cosy days out together. It’s fine to be civil over the phone and at collections/drop offs. Fine to attend school plays, parents evening etc together but spending the day out together is just a bit weird, I understand why your DP feels that way. It would be different if your DS was having a birthday party and your ex attended but this is just you and your ex alone with your DC. Would you be happy with your DP spending days out with his ex? I suppose you would be though since you think this is ok... it doesn’t sit well with me personally.

I also don’t see how your DP is a bad person for wanting his children to be involved. It’s fine for you to go out alone with your DC and him with his but when it comes to doing things together like this, his DC shouldn’t be left out. Really sad for his DD.

Maybe you should be questioning whether your DP is the one for you. Blended families are difficult at times.

Flyme21 · 16/08/2018 17:39

Outpinked If you're secure in a relationship you don't bother about exes. My partner went on a short holiday with his ex and young son soon after we got together. I wasn't bothered. If they wanted to have mad sex they could find a time and place I'm sure.

Missingstreetlife · 16/08/2018 17:45

This should be about children, not adults being over sensitive.
If dp is in this family he should not put his child first, and she should spend time with stepmum too, where is his eldest?
In my experience older children often get needs not met because they can go to younger activities but young child cant manage older things

youarenotkiddingme · 16/08/2018 17:47

Just invite your DS Dad.

If your DP reacts badly it says more about him than anything else and I'd be considering MH future with someone who couldn't put my kids needs first anytime - ever!

C0untDucku1a · 16/08/2018 17:54

outpinked cosy day out is really making unfair assumpitons and ahowing your own insecurities.

Op, i think it is a shame too. Will your mum want to go on the rides? Also, thr line about your dp not going on days out / activities unless his dd goes is ridiculous. That needs addressing.

Original poster

Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 18:12

Cosy day out? It’s a theme park and although I get on ok with my Ex I don’t have any interest in spending time with him unless necessary. I just thought it seemed like a good idea in this particular situation.
And honestly I would have no problem with DP spending 8hrs with his Ex as a one off to celebrate his DD’s birthday. I no he has no interest in her other than to keep the kids happy, which is exactly how I feel about my Ex.
DP won’t entertain the idea of coming with us on his own (even though it falls on mum’s weekend again) and I don’t want to have to do everything all on my own with the DCs all the time either.
Older SD is of an age where we rarely see her because her friends are her the reason for her whole existence. She’s a lovely girl but tends to swan in and out for food and to get changed mostly. She would think Legoland was for losers

OP posts:

TheBlueDot · 16/08/2018 18:58

The pp who said this is about DS spending the day with his two parents, not about you spending a day with ex, has it spot on.

It’s a shame you feel like you can’t invite ex (lovely though that your mum can go). Blending families is hard but it seems your DP wants his DD to be blended with your family, but not himself to be blended with your DC.

Flyme21 · 17/08/2018 08:38

You've kind of got a DP problem haven't you OP?

Original poster

Winosaurus · 17/08/2018 09:31

His guilt seems to override everything else. He does spend time with my DCs at home, he obviously ends up seeing them more than his own DDs, just being in the same house but none of it is quality time unless his youngest DD is there.
I’m not so precious... my DCs went away with my mum for a weekend I happily spent the weekend with just DP and his kids.
He says it’s different because we have my DD full time (dad is in Australia) and DS 90% of the time. I understand the guilt he must feel for not having his DDs there all the time but we see them a lot. They don’t stay over other than at weekends due to DP working nights and logistically/practically I cannot do the school run for his kids too... but they are here several times during the week (at least 3-4 times) and they’re always popping in and out to see us. We live very close to their mum.
DP isn’t a bad man or partner but I do feel at times he puts his kids first to the extreme. My kids come first, there happiness and needs are my priority... but not always their wants.

OP posts:

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 17/08/2018 10:01

I can understand his guilt but what he is doing isn’t sustainable long term and what of the effect on your dd at his constant holding her at arms length out of guilt? That’s not going to do her much good long term either. What happens in a few year when as a teen she wants to be coming round less as you’ve already discovered happens? Does that mean he NEVER does anything with you because it excludes his dd?
I do think it would be a shame to invite your mum instead they do grow up so fast and it will be lovely for your ds to spend his birthday with you and his dad your dp just has to learn to be a grown up about it.

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