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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it's futile trying to stop a 7.5 year old boy showing off and being silly?

335 replies

Pushpins40 · 15/08/2018 18:13

Exactly that. He'll try to be the real clown, the silly one - sometimes it's good natured, other times (like today in a changing room with two other kids, a girl and a boy that he's doing a swimming class with) he starts shouting, 'I can see you vagina and your penis!'.

It's embarrassing and very annoying. If it's not that sort of stuff, it's just generally trying to push boundaries, be the funny one.

How do I stop it? Can I? Am I being realistic given his age? He
We talk to him about it and I think he 'hears' but then, in the moment, of course he does exactly the same.

OP posts:
MediocrePenguin · 15/08/2018 23:46

Wow I'd really, really hope @BossWitch wasn't teaching him if he were my son either. What an awful, fowl mouthed tirade, calling a seven year old a little tosser too HmmTake a look at your own language, what's your excuse? You are supposed to be an adult in a position of authority!

Gildashairflick · 16/08/2018 00:05

My 6.5 year old is like this although maybe wouldn't be talking about vaginas as he thinks women and girls anatomy so perplexing he just avoids discussion. He is on adhd and ASD assessment pathways. Tbh I also think he has a good dose of oppositional defiance disorder too but I'm reserving judgment. I'm sorry you feel a bit attacked. It's hard to convey a real life situation in writing and his otherwise positive qualities won't shine here. Consistent responses to his unwanted behaviour including appropriate sanctions are needed but not prolonged punishments. Missing swimming one week seems fine, by two his brain has likely moved on and he won't make sense of it in the same way. I try lots of empathy training with my son. No real guidance but a lot of talking about how he would feel in that situation. It's very hit and miss. Then he does beautiful spontaneous things like help his younger sibling button up his jacket today, unasked by me, he just 'got' his bro needed help. It was a beautiful moment. Your son and your parenting are not the sum of this post.

Mymycherrypie · 16/08/2018 00:19

My DS is 7. I have never seen behaviour like this in him, or his friends, except two boys who have asd issues. He needs boundaries on the vagina and penis talk ASAP.

Im sorry OP, if my son had shouted that to children in the changing room, I’d be mortified. I’d probably take him in to a private cubicle until he got a handle on this, other children deserve to get changed without comments on their bodies.

IamPickleRick · 16/08/2018 00:30

He didn't make a degrading remark about her vagina or the boy's penis. He just said he could see it. While it is still inappropriate, there is a marked difference, IMO

How about he just doesn’t remark on other children’s genitals, and that be the baseline for expected behaviour?

PickAChew · 16/08/2018 00:33

You very much can move away from the "but he's such a boy" mentality and make it clear that you don't condone him being a dick. You're doing him a disservice, if you don't.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/08/2018 01:28

How about he just doesn’t remark on other children’s genitals, and that be the baseline for expected behaviour?

That's kind of why the OP's posting...?

IamPickleRick · 16/08/2018 01:43

No, she’s excusing it and saying things like “but it wasn’t because of this” and “he didn’t mean it like that...”

The other child will not care about any of that, how embarrassed poor Timmy’s mum was by the whole scenario, or what measures she can take to stop him being so “silly”. They will just wonder why some kid in the changing room who is old enough to know about boundaries is loudly discussing their vagina.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/08/2018 02:26

... and given the OP can't travel back in time, she's now doing what she can do avoid it ever happening again.

DonkeyHotei · 16/08/2018 02:42

BossWitch: what a little twat.... fucking useless tosser...harsh and unfair...fucking entitled...desperately seeking attention.

Sorry - English isn't my first language, but I'm doing my best to benefit from a vocab lesson via your outstanding teaching! Grin

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/08/2018 02:46

😂

CSIblonde · 16/08/2018 02:49

As ex teacher at that age they can be very immature & silly. It can also be an attention seeking thing & very wearing. Ignore, also have time outs & consequences. It passes.

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 16/08/2018 07:52

Thanks to those who have contributed constructive advice and been supportive. It's very appreciative and helped us form a plan.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 16/08/2018 07:59

Very good points above about removing him from the situation can also be a reward (and I know I was someone who suggested it because a telling off is attention reward - minefield Grin)

Maybe remove something like Tv or tech? I've always done this for ds and basically told him he can't have pretend life until he learns how to behave in RL or you must be getting these things off Tv because I e raised you better than that.

I've found that the most effective way.

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 16/08/2018 08:03

We often do take away TV as a consequence. It does hit where it hurts. And I have seen improvements. We will do this. We need to be water tight with our consequences/strategy, that much U realise

OP posts:
Bezm · 16/08/2018 08:07

He has used sexual comments because he has learned in some way that it's not acceptable to use those words in that context in public. Not because he's trying to be sexually provocative.
In my experience, lots of children his age do similar things in public. When you explore their behaviours, it's often apparent that they are allowed to say similar things at home, and that family may laugh at them for doing so, so they continue to do so in public. It's not about bad parenting. It's about parents thinking forward about how that think their children should behave as they get older.

I think the way you responded at the time was appropriate. Now you need to look at his whole behaviour in all contexts. He's old enough to have a conversation about what is and is not acceptable behaviour, but he may not be able to compartmentalise such behaviours. So telling him that it's ok to do something at home but not at school, in public, at granny's house may not work. I see many young children swearing, and then their parents admit that they swear at home but they've been to,d not to swear in school.
Whatever behaviour you want to discourage in public should also be discouraged at home.

StoatOfManyColours · 16/08/2018 08:18

Go back to basics, OP.

Consequences, and follow through EVERY time with something immediate like going home.
Set out expectations before setting of for play dates, day trips etc, and remind again when you get there.
Age-appropriate praise for grown up behaviour (eg "I was really proud of you today, DS, it's great that I/other people saw what a cool grown up boy you're becoming.").

AChickenCalledKorma · 16/08/2018 08:21

It think BossWitch is taking a lot of sense about how this behaviour can develop into adolescence and adulthood. And people need to get over the shock news that even really excellent teachers might use somewhat unprofessional language when venting anonymously on an internet forum.

funinthesun18 · 16/08/2018 08:30

It think BossWitch is taking a lot of sense about how this behaviour can develop into adolescence and adulthood.

The op came on here asking for advice on how to STOP the behaviour, so what’s the point in assuming this little boy is going to grow up to be anything but a decent man when he grows up?
Far too many people project their opinions of MEN on to little boys. My 7 year old boy thinks his bits are just for peeing out of and nothing else. Why would he think any different at SEVEN? The op’s son most likely thinks the same thing, so people can fuck off with their future sex pest nonsense.

grasspigeons · 16/08/2018 08:39

I find if my child says something silly that asking very seriously if they would say that to Mrs Head teachers name and then saying 'well you know it's wrong then so stop and think of a way to make it better' helps a lot in stopping the silliness. Especially if I follow it up with a 'I might call her and check whether it's an ok thing to do' if my son doesn't stop. Otherwise we just leave and sit in the car for the duration of the thing we left.

Furx · 16/08/2018 08:50

But fun there IS a significant minority of men who it is OK to make comments about women in public. Where has that behaviour come from?

Id say don’t assume anyone, male or female is going to grow up respecting societal norms without being taught them. Repeatedly if necessary.

funinthesun18 · 16/08/2018 09:02

Furx and I bet that was because they were never taught boundaries when they were children. The OP is trying to make sure her son doesn’t make comments like this again (even if there were no sexual connotations attached to his comment because like I said he is 7). A seven year old he is still learning right from wrong and should be told it is rude and never to do it again. He certainly isn’t a little tosser. All he needs to know at this age is that it is embarrassing and people don’t like it. Its all part of learning how respect other people’s personal space and privacy. So there is no need for people to jump on the op and connect his silly child comments to those of a fully grown man whose comments are sexual.

funinthesun18 · 16/08/2018 09:04

And most importantly of all, the op is asking for advice on how to make sure he respects other people’s privacy in future. She’s doing everything right and sounds like a good mum. I have no doubts she is raising a lovely little boy.

youarenotkiddingme · 16/08/2018 09:14

* And most importantly of all, the op is asking for advice on how to make sure he respects other people’s privacy in future. She’s doing everything right and sounds like a good mum. I have no doubts she is raising a lovely little boy.*

^ totally agree

JustAnotherPoster00 · 16/08/2018 09:39

It think BossWitch is taking a lot of sense about how this behaviour can develop into adolescence and adulthood. And people need to get over the shock news that even really excellent teachers might use somewhat unprofessional language when venting anonymously on an internet forum.

^^A BossWitch sock puppet I wonder Hmm

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 16/08/2018 09:57

Why would he think any different at SEVEN? The op’s son most likely thinks the same thing, so people can fuck off with their future sex pest nonsense.

This x 10000! Can we please stop writing him off.

And for those of you who think the parents swooned to the ground at my son's behaviour - I sought the mother out this morning, explained what had happened (her husband had been in the changing room), apologised profusely and said we had really been on his case etc.

She laughed. She said, in summary oh for goodness sake, I've got 3 kids. They all say things like that all the time to each other. it's fine. No one mentioned it. But thank you for apologising, that's kind.

I guess everyone is now going to tell me she's a crap parent too whose children will inevitably turn into tossers and twats and terrible adult men who objectify women

OP posts:
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