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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it's futile trying to stop a 7.5 year old boy showing off and being silly?

335 replies

Pushpins40 · 15/08/2018 18:13

Exactly that. He'll try to be the real clown, the silly one - sometimes it's good natured, other times (like today in a changing room with two other kids, a girl and a boy that he's doing a swimming class with) he starts shouting, 'I can see you vagina and your penis!'.

It's embarrassing and very annoying. If it's not that sort of stuff, it's just generally trying to push boundaries, be the funny one.

How do I stop it? Can I? Am I being realistic given his age? He
We talk to him about it and I think he 'hears' but then, in the moment, of course he does exactly the same.

OP posts:
GogoGobo · 15/08/2018 21:28

What are you reading HarryKanes? Where are people saying “boys will be boys?”

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/08/2018 21:29

BossWitch.

The OP recognises the behaviour isn't appropriate, tried to deal with it at the time, and has come on to ask for further advice.

Do you talk to parents in real life like this?

funinthesun18 · 15/08/2018 21:32

Yep. She's great.

Doesn’t take after her mum then if she’s great.

youarenotkiddingme · 15/08/2018 21:34

Are people reading the same thread 🙄

OP had asked for advice as what she's doing isn't working but also as part of this asked if anything does work or is this normal?

People have mostly said it's somewhere in the middle but the inappropriate nature does need addressing. The only thing OP has said defensively is that she doesn't believe he had sexual intent.

And she's right. You shouldn't put adult interpretations of behaviour into a child's intentions.

He wants attention and is using things he knows will get it. It's not the right way and OP has graciously thanked many posters for advice.

But we are still talking about a 7yo here. He's still learning but just needs to be taught a different way as the current way isn't working.

GogoGobo · 15/08/2018 21:40

Remember BossWitch. Someone will teach your child one day - how would you feel if they were referred to as a little wanker or a prick? By their teacher?
Or if your DC did something that was judged by others to be unacceptable and you were immediately called a piss poor parent? Even if you too judged the behaviour they be unacceptable and were seeking advice to remedy it?
Not very nice is it? I think the OP got a bit of “what you can’t articulate in real life” on here tonight. Let’s hope your DC are a bit kinder than their mum.

BossWitch · 15/08/2018 21:44

Nah I'm great too - she's very like me. And I am unfailingly polite to parents in my job. But I get to be refreshingly honest on here.

Harsh words aren't consequences. I have to deal with kids who simply CANNOT accept consequences all the frigging time, because they don't get them at home. It doesn't make for much fun. For me or them.

Anyway, bowing out now. Good luck OP, I hope you do take it seriously and do manage to get him to manage his behaviour appropriately in future.

MistyMinge · 15/08/2018 21:45

BossWitch you hate your job don't you? Think it's time you put that career change into motion. Then maybe you'll be a nicer person.

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 15/08/2018 21:45

Honestly, Bosswitch, I think the connections you make in your post about the direction my son's behaviour will take are ridiculous. That isn't to say that I do not think his behaviour is acceptable. It isn't. Not for a moment. Which is why I'm here.

But for you to write off a 7 year old like you have is utterly outrageous.

You sound bitter and jaded, and I feel very sorry for you.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 15/08/2018 21:45

Harsh words aren't consequences. I have to deal with kids who simply CANNOT accept consequences all the frigging time, because they don't get them at home. It doesn't make for much fun. For me or them.

Right. So not the OP then. Confused

Reading comprehension maybe not your strong point...?

peachgreen · 15/08/2018 21:49

I don't think it's completely mad to associate him shouting "I can see your vagina" at some poor girl trying to get changed for swimming with blokes shouting "nice tits" out the window of their car at some poor girl / woman.

It absolutely is completely mad to connect a seven year old being silly and doing something he knows is "naughty" with an adult sexually harassing someone. FFS.

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 15/08/2018 21:51

Thank you Peachgreen. Thank you. Honestly, I can't even begin to say what it feels like to read that comment from Bosswitch. it's an insane connection.

OP posts:
midgesummer · 15/08/2018 22:04

Once OP I got so fed with endless talk about bums when my pair were six of so I snapped And started a stream of all the bum related words I never wanted to hear again, it went on for a long time. When I finished I looked round the dinner table and dc and dh were staring at me as if I had gone mad and MIL was crying with laughter very quietly. Happily a couple of years on this talk has died down and neither my boy or girl make inappropriate comments to others.

LeafcutterAnt · 15/08/2018 22:16

I agree about a consequence he will care about, like making him miss swimming or part of swimming or a planned trip to the cafe afterwards or something. I think kids who like to make others laugh (a good quality) can sometimes misjudge it at that age and they need to learn what/when is appropriate. It sounds like he gets a bit too wild sometimes though and it needs dealing with firmly.

mikado1 · 15/08/2018 22:22

I don't think it's boys will be boys but hyped up kids will show off and lose the run of themselves. He probably knew straight away it was a big mistake. If it were mine, now 6, I'd have the firm word before the next swimming trip and make my expectations v clear. He wouldn't do it again.

funinthesun18 · 15/08/2018 22:24

And I am unfailingly polite to parents in my job.

So basically you’re two faced then. Nice.

Calling a 7 year old a tosser and a twat isn’t being refreshingly honest. It’s just fucking nasty and uncalled for. Seriously I hope your dd doesn’t pick up your bad habits because you’ll be failing her.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/08/2018 22:25

Some people seem to think that the fact the OP didn't frog-march him out of swimming, means she was being too soft on him.

IME, getting out of swimming lessons may well be seen as a reward!

So making him leave early would be a win-win for him, not a punishment.

gower4 · 15/08/2018 22:35

Best of luck, OP. I'm sure you'll come through it fine.

Barbie222 · 15/08/2018 22:49

I think a telling off about this isn't going to cut it, partly because 1) it's attention 2) he's poor at reading the room and imagining other people's feelings, possibly because of SN but quite likely because he's 7 and hasn't been asked to consider them before.

You need to find a way of bringing home to him just how much he embarrassed himself, because the bottom line is, you've taken on his embarrassment for him, but going forward he really needs to cringe about what he did. It's not easy to get young children to decentre like this and for some of them it really is hard for them to imagine that anything they say isn't absolutely hilarious.

I'd start with withdrawal of a privilege so that he understands you mean business - sorry but I think he has checked out of any telling off at this stage. I would make sure the language you use explains really clearly that he has embarrassed himself and everyone else was thinking that he was being childish and silly, whatever words you want to use but make it his problem not yours. If you know the other person in the changing room at the time, a personal apology from your son might be the way forward to getting him to take responsibility. Hope it gets sorted.

AvoidingDM · 15/08/2018 22:57

Op I've read this thread with interest. Got a similar DS.

My DS would happily drop swimming lessons but I see swimming as a life skill every child should have. So taking him out of the lesson / going home / missing it would be a reward in his eyes.

RiverTam · 15/08/2018 23:19

Learning how to act in front of others in a changing room is also a pretty essential life skill, otherwise he’s going to find himself ostracised in short order. If he’s 7 I assume he’ll be going into year 3 next month, in which case he may well be starting school swimming lessons - so a) he’ll still be learning to swim and b) he’ll probably get extremely short shrift from his teacher if he behaves like that.

WyfOfBathe · 15/08/2018 23:27

As a teacher, I would never refer to a child as a tosser.

That said, it's always the "class clowns" whose parents make comments like "well, he's only 12! What can you expect!" I can expect him to behave like the other 29 12 year olds in that class, who don't call out "I can see your bra through your shirt!" to embarrass their female classmates.

It's never futile to stop a child embarrassing others, or to early to start teaching them not to make such personal comments.

HollyGibney · 15/08/2018 23:27

I'm usually rated outstanding. So fuck off.

A teacher you say? Grin

LadyRussell · 15/08/2018 23:28

My son is the same - he’s 21 next month 😂😂

RiverTam · 15/08/2018 23:30

Um, and that’s funny why exactly?

Jeanclaudejackety · 15/08/2018 23:40

I'd start by punishing by removing from situations
Also apologising to the face of people is embarrassing and a good repellent

So in thus situation go up to the h girl and boy and their parents and in a genuine way say "I am sorry for making silly comments. I won't do it again" that can be quite excruciating for kids to have to do, my d nephew hates it.

I'd then give a warning that if it happens again in that situation, you won't be coming back. So you go swimming next week and he acts a clown. You remove him immediately and lessons are cancelled for the rest of term. Swimming lessons are a privilege not a right.

Also don't tell him off in too much a childish way. One of my friends has a 8yo and it's all "mummy is not happy with that, that is silly and you must not be a silly boy, say sorry to mummy" it's like how I spoke to my dd at 18mos

It should be firm and grown up now, he's in juniors. "I am not having this stupid behaviour, you've embarrassed yourself and me and I am disappointed. You are making yourself look idiotic. No one thinks you're funny. Go up to those children this instant and apologise"

It sounds harsh maybe to some (said friend literally would call her ds "silly little sausage" if he threw a brick through a window, not saying your the same but it just doesn't resonate with him at all

Also does he get time on an ipad or computer or something he really likes, I'd remove that in 1 day increments. The end of the world to my dd is 2 day xbox ban. Absolute nightmare haha