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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it's futile trying to stop a 7.5 year old boy showing off and being silly?

335 replies

Pushpins40 · 15/08/2018 18:13

Exactly that. He'll try to be the real clown, the silly one - sometimes it's good natured, other times (like today in a changing room with two other kids, a girl and a boy that he's doing a swimming class with) he starts shouting, 'I can see you vagina and your penis!'.

It's embarrassing and very annoying. If it's not that sort of stuff, it's just generally trying to push boundaries, be the funny one.

How do I stop it? Can I? Am I being realistic given his age? He
We talk to him about it and I think he 'hears' but then, in the moment, of course he does exactly the same.

OP posts:
doggydoodoo1 · 15/08/2018 18:15

No advice but watching with interest as my 7 year old son is exactly the same.

CherryPavlova · 15/08/2018 18:19

Just remove him from the place he is doing it. Sit him somewhere quiet and tell him to remain for 10 minutes to calm down. Repeat as often as necessary. Make sure he understands exactly what behaviour is inappropriate. Don’t say “Stop being silly” say “Because you are shouting out words you think are rude you are going to have to,sit out of swimming and calm down”.
Don’t reward by laughing. As soon as it starts stop it swiftly. No reasoning, no chances just a clear sanction.

MatildaTheCat · 15/08/2018 18:20

By this age they do have some control assuming no sn. Would they behave like that at school? Probably not or they’d be in trouble.

I would try to reinforce that silly behaviour has a time and place. Shouting sexual/ highly personal comments is rarely appreciated and very inappropriate.

Perhaps next time you are in a situation like a changing room you remind him beforehand about being appropriate and if her did it again there would have to be a consequence.

Unfortunately the poo and bottom phase goes on a looong time.

MortyVicar · 15/08/2018 18:31

I wouldn't be impressed if I was the mother of the other girl and boy. It's highly inappropriate, and goes beyond showing off and being silly. You can't write off doing anything about it as futile, that's just lazy parenting.

Just talking to him isn't working, so there have to be consequences before he does something even less appropriate. Take him away from the situation. Enforce penalties.

Be careful of the 'good natured' showing off and being silly too. While you might look on fondly, others - including the recipient - might not find it so endearing.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 15/08/2018 18:37

That behaviour in the changing rooms is appalling; he’s 7, not 2.
Did you give him any consequence, or just shrug your shoulders and say it’s futile trying to stop him?
I’d have had a word with you if I was the mother of the two other kids.

serbska · 15/08/2018 18:38

I can see you vagina and your penis

I would have removed him from class immediately. Yes, 7 year old boys can be show-off idiots a lot of the time, but that is unacceptable. If there aren't any consequences he won't learn self control.

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 15/08/2018 18:42

I didn't just shrug my shoulders and say nothing. I spoke very very harshly to him on the side, and was very displeased in front of the parent. I spoke to him after. We have spoken to him again tonight.

We have told him that from here on in, if there is any behaviour like this again, we will speak very harshly in front of whoever he's being like this in front of. We will embarrass him.

OP posts:
gower4 · 15/08/2018 18:44

It doesn't sound typical behaviour for that age, OP.

One of my children is the same age. They can all be silly/over-excited, but I'd be quite surprised at that sort of behaviour from any classmates.

CantankerousCamel · 15/08/2018 18:45

I have an 8 year old that loves to be the joker and actually just winds everyone up. We calmly remind him that he’s quite funny without trying and when he tries he can be tedious.

If he says things that are hurtful, which he has in the past, we tell him how he is making peopl feel and that no joke is worth someone feeling awful. There are lots of jokes to make that don’t place people at the butt of the joke.

He does get it and it does get easier

toomanycuddlytoys · 15/08/2018 18:48

stop the classes for a while. I warned our ds about behaviour at swimming lessons. Clowning/not listening. It continued so I cancelled and said no more

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 15/08/2018 18:51

By the way, while I accept it's tedious and irritating, i don't like the assumption that it's not 'typical behaviour.' Boys mature at different ages. he wasn't trying to be hurtful, he was trying to be the centre of attention. It wasn't a sexually inappropriate comment, because he doesn't really get what that is

OP posts:
InspectorIkmen · 15/08/2018 18:54

Yeah. You REALLY don’t want to hear it do you?

Excuse after excuse - why did you ask here btw?

gower4 · 15/08/2018 18:55

It's inappropriate whether or not he gets it! Presumably he knows it is extremely bad manners and will cause embarrassment to the others.

MrsGrindah · 15/08/2018 18:56

It was a sexually inappropriate comment regardless of whether he deliberately intended it to be. I’m not sure why you are offended. People are just saying what is typical in their experience. If I’d had been there I’d have taken a very dim view of your child’s behaviour. But you know that anyway hence you telling him off.

MissVanjie · 15/08/2018 18:58

he'd not be going swimming again for a good while if he was mine

I have a similar aged ds and I get about the silliness and so forth but he and his nicer friends do tend to know when they can or can't reign it in

the ones who don't tend to be the ones with no boundaries, mediocre to crap parenting etc

just saying

Original poster
Pushpins40 · 15/08/2018 18:59

Of course, it's inappropriate. I'm here because I recognise that. But I think there's a big difference between knowingly being sexually inappropriate, and being inappropriate because you're seizing anything for laughs.

And it's rubbish that I don't want to hear it. Am I not allowed to enter into a dialogue about any of this? Is this how it works?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushpins40 · 15/08/2018 19:00

the ones who don't tend to be the ones with no boundaries, mediocre to crap parenting etc...he and his nicer friends.

God, what a knobish comment, Miss Vanje. Honestly. You don't know anything about my parenting.

OP posts:
gower4 · 15/08/2018 19:04

In terms of dealing with it, you say you talk to him and he hears, but then does it all over again.

I think if you really want to show you are serious he needs a proper consequence - e.g. Missing swimming for 2 weeks/losing pocket money/whatever.

That way he knows you will take action, and you can remind him
of it next time he behaves like this. Honestly, his intentions obviously aren't malicious but other kids will rapidly go off him if he keeps on doing this.

GogoGobo · 15/08/2018 19:05

Some lovely supportive comments as usual.

“Crap Parenting - just saying.......” WTF?!

Cherry Pavlova has nailed it. Excellent solid advice and should help you stamp this out without too much drama
Good luck.

upsideup · 15/08/2018 19:06

My 8 year old is the class clown, always showing off and being silly but he only ever makes fun of himself so people are laughing at him, involving other people in your jokes and making them uncomfortable is bullying not being a clown.
Your son wasnt trying to be the centre of attention, he was making two children who were undressing the centre of attention and laughing at their expense, he knew they werent going to enjoy what he said and that it would shock and make them embarrased but did it anyway, that isnt typical behaviour.

CantankerousCamel · 15/08/2018 19:07

OP i agree it’s for attention and not ‘sexual’ he’s 7.5 ffs they don’t do ‘sexual’

He’s saying it because he knows he shouldn’t. But I wouldn’t be any more worried than when children try to shock in other ways, like swearing etc

Cismyass · 15/08/2018 19:09

This reply has been deleted

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RiverTam · 15/08/2018 19:11

Harsh words, is that it? You should remove him immediately. If he does it again, end of swimming (or whatever it is)or other appropriate consequence. Every single time.

My DD would be pretty upset if a random boy shouted that at her in a changing room. His intention is irrelevant. In fact, I would suggest that if he’s prone to this he doesn’t go in the women’s changing room, and too bad if tha means the end of swimming.

Incidentally, DD has recently vociferously stated that she would love to be at a girls’ school. She’s been sat at a table with boys like this for a lot of the last year. Think on that.

Odiepants · 15/08/2018 19:11

I have an 8.5 yr DS who likes to play the fool and can get carried away very easily.

I now make it very clear to him what behaviour is expected and what I won't tolerate. He has improved with a complete no chances approach but a year ago, he would have made a similarly stupid comment just for effect. I have found it really helped to explain to him that other parents will think I am a rubbish mum due to his behaviour. He really didn't like that idea together with losing privileges when he stepped out of line.

kesstrel · 15/08/2018 19:12

Unfortunately, for many children even negative attention from a parent (a talking-to or a telling-off) can actually act as a reward. They really do love having our undivided attention.

When you give your child attention for misbehavior, you are giving negative attention. Negative attention typically begins when you become upset. You follow with threats, interrogation, and lectures. Negative attention is not a punishment; it is a reward. Negative attention does not punish misbehavior, but increases it.

www.familyeducation.com/life/discipline-strategies/handling-attention-seeking-child

Lots of other parenting books/sites say this as well. You need to give a consequence that is definitely negative, and only negative, in order to stop this behaviour.