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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:

GoatWoman · 15/08/2018 16:30

Oh dear I think YWBU.

I think you should have some family counselling before the baby comes as I can see this dynamic getting worse. Take care, it seems like you're a great mum but it's difficult circumstances.

FilthyforFirth · 15/08/2018 16:31

I think it is disgusting that some posters are suggesting he isn't your son because you adopted him. I am absolutely agog that someone thinks a grandparent is more important than a parent.

diddl · 15/08/2018 16:32

I'm not sure that her husband should have supported OP over this although he obviously shouldn't have spoken to her the way he did.

I'd be really embarrassed at such a fuss about food.

If the amount of junk food she gives him is such an issue then he needs to not go so often

AlphaBravo · 15/08/2018 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 16:35

More important than the parent? Utter bollocks!

yes, she is blood, the OP is adopted, the child is 12.

the grandmother has been in his life since birth, and is still relied on constantly for child care.

As I said, she is POSSIBLY more important to him, we can't know whether she is or she isn't, but she might be, and if OH died, she really could challenge for custody.

I think its lovely that the OP has been so loving and caring towards him throughout his life.

But as a fosterer and adopter myself, I am well aware that the child has no say, and you have to be prepared for the love to be one way.

The OP choosing to adopt the child doesn't give her rights over him above and beyond his grandmother.

adoption was what SHE wanted, and its great she did, but HE owes her nothing

Squidgee · 15/08/2018 16:35

While I understand that you've got issues with her, in this instance I think you HUGELY overeacted and I think you owe everyone an apology.

He is 12. He's staying at Grans overnight, so what if he had mcdonalds for breakfast, a fish supper is NOT junk food or unhealthy and saved her having to cook and was a treat for her and your DS.

You need to pick your battles, fish and chips for Tea, to the point of stopping him staying overnight was not the hill to die on.

You need to apologise.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/08/2018 16:35

But filthy, look at it from the grandmothers point of view. She knew and loved her grandson for 3 years before OP came along and is his blood relative. Yes OP is his parent now, but I think OP should also be sensitive to how the Gran might feel. And OP completely and utterly overreacted and should apologise.

diddl · 15/08/2018 16:38

How much childcare has MIL done over the years?

I8toys · 15/08/2018 16:45

YWBU. Total drama over nothing. I appreciate that you want your ds to be healthy but the topic could have been broached another day with both dh and mil together calmly. Be glad your ds has someone who dotes on him.

twattymctwatterson · 15/08/2018 16:56

Could you get by without relying on her for childcare? If not then you have a massive amount of apologising to do and need to have a think about whether your D.C. eating occasional junk food is worth what you'll pay to a childminder. She's doing you a huge favour

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/08/2018 16:57

I would have just let her feed him the fish and chips from the beginning - okay, he's had a Mcd breakfast, but one day of fatty foods isn't going to undo all your good work.

I think that you seem to find your MIL a bit of a pain (fair enough if she undermines you - so would I) and that your pregnancy "protect my children at all costs" hormones just bubbled out of control. I can understand why you fear your natural son will be taken over by her, but I think you are over-sensitive ATM. Try to pick your battles - this one isn't worth it.

Fish and chips are fried and fatty, but they aren't junk food ie not full of e-numbers and chemicals etc - let her treat him.

Osirus · 15/08/2018 16:58

As I said, she is POSSIBLY more important to him, we can't know whether she is or she isn't, but she might be, and if OH died, she really could challenge for custody.

Surely, as an adopter, you gain PR, which the MIL will not have over the child? Therefore the adopter would have more right to custody? Perhaps the MIL could in theory make a challenge, but as the OP has lived with the child for 9 years, he is likely, very likely to be left with her, not least of course because she is his legal parent now.

Purpleartichoke · 15/08/2018 17:03

Grandparents are meant to spoil children. Unless the grandparent is just over-the -top irresponsible, If that spoiling is getting to be too much, the problem is that you are relying on the grandparent for child care too often. If they are over the top about it, you shouldn’t be using them for child care at all.

LucilleBluth · 15/08/2018 17:05

Op, you're a nob and have massively overreacted. Apologies to MIL asap.

Bluelady · 15/08/2018 17:07

Perhaps someone could outline what alternative "childcare" is available for a 12 year old because I'm genuinely at a loss to think of one.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/08/2018 17:07

Osirus

Well - that escalated quickly.

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 17:13

I have only skim read this thread, I might have missed something.

You are his mother, not his stepmother. You and your DH have equal say in regards to your son and I feel like he shouldn't undermone you infront of his DM.

Were you unreasonable in this specific instance? Maybe a bit. But so was your MIL and your DH.

Your DH needs to shine his spine and support you. That's the real problem imo.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 17:14

Grandparents are meant to spoil children

To some degree yes but that doesn't mean they can go over the parents head!
I like to treat my GC in lots of ways but always ask DS/DIL if they're ok with the majority of it.

MeyMary · 15/08/2018 17:14

Btw, driving there was imo ridiculous.
I feel like you should stop focusing on your MIL and talk to your DH.

Hammondisback · 15/08/2018 17:16

OP, you sound like a lovely mum and a decent person. This time, you overreacted, so should apologise. To me, it sounds as though your DH and you need to talk about your feelings about your MIL’s undermining and he needs to lay boundaries with his DM.

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2018 17:17

I don't wand my dp backing me up right or wrong. I want him to tell. W if I've been a dick. And making a huge fuss over a 12 year old having a fish supper is being a dick.
Incidentally, as it is very unusual for a father to be a single parent of such a young child so I suspect there is a complex backstory. So it is very likely that the grandmother was more involved than usual in the early years-particularly considering how young everyone in this story is.

drnectarine · 15/08/2018 17:23

At 12 he’ll vote with his feet to show where he wants to be very shortly. Why the discussion about custody?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 15/08/2018 17:24

OP, you were massively unreasonable and do owe everyone an apology.

But all the same, I'm that some people on here think a grandparent might or even should, if it came to the crunch, count for more than an adoptive mother - NOT a stepmother - because she's 'blood'

Newbabies15 · 15/08/2018 17:24

I don't think I explained myself clearly. I think if you feel angry then you have reason to be. You should be in charge of how your child is raised. Mil should respect that. You did over react with the chips situation but it's not about the chips - it's about respect. She doesn't respect your position as top dog. That would annoy anyone.

Regards what you can do - you can either continue to use her as childcare and accept that she won't respect your wishes or find someone else and pay. You need to work out which one would be the easiest for you and best for your child. You are BOTH important - your son and you.

crispysausagerolls · 15/08/2018 17:27

I think it is disgusting that some posters are suggesting he isn't your son because you adopted him. I am absolutely agog that someone thinks a grandparent is more important than a parent.

This!!!! You took on this child from the age of 3 and you are their parent! Legally and emotionally. Perhaps the MIL has known them longer but YOU are there with them each night and know them best, and are responsible for them and their interests. Yes you overreacted this time, but only because your opinion has been constantly undermined by a husband who should be pleased at how great a mother you are, and a MIL who needs to understand you are the child’s parent and what you say, goes.

Your DH needs to put his foot down before DC2 arrived. It’s shocking how he spoke to you too, and MIL needs to understand that you appreciate her help but she is NOT a third parent! I would ideally be seeking alternative childcare though.

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