Row with Mother in law

[Mckenzie123]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

I can understand why you did that.... but you were over reacting a bit. I dont think feeding grandchildren crap is limited to your MIL tbh.... this is a bit of a grandparents thing in general.. my own parents do it as well as my inlaws and it did wind me up a bit with my first... but in the grand scheme of things if your child is eating healthily with you and is active and not overweight it really is not going to matter to much.
I get that you want to be listened to but the thing is that you do rely on her for childcare but shes not a nursery who will just do your bidding.

Idve been pissed off if I were you but the real problem is your DH not her. Your son wasnt going to die from having junk food for two meals... but your husband did massively disrespect you. Even if he hadnt personally agreed with you he should not have done that in front of his mother but spoken to you about it later. Id be having serious words with him about his lack of respect for you.

Yes You were unreasonable. Completely and utterly.
Are you usually this dramatic/bonkers or are you worn out/a bit up and down with the pregnancy?
TBH I'd be apologising profusely to MIL, DH and DS and working hard to fix the breech.

You were very wrong and need to apologise to her, to your DS and to your DH.

What will you do for childcare for your baby op? Will you be relying on her the same as for the 12 year old?

OP - I am sure there is a backstory and build-up to all this. However, as other posters have said in this instance you come across as a bit crazy/scary - driving round to pick up your DS because he was about to have some fish and chips! It makes me think of the Catherine Tate sketch where the 'posh mum' freaks out because the eggs in the egg and spoon race aren't organic.

So step back. Have a think about this incident, it obviously triggered something. Do you feel that your DH doesn't support you enough? Are you worried about your relationship/family and the new baby (congratulations btw - that's fantastic news)? Do you feel second best? Something is going on here and (unless you are slightly obsessive about 'clean eating - and I know some women are) I don't think it's the fish and chips.

Op I can understand where you are coming from as I had similar when dd1 was little. Rather than allowing mil to continually undermine me, I reduced her minding dd and shared it with a nursery. This was better for her as well and it also covered me when mil was ill or on holiday. MIL absolutely hated it and I knew I had been right to intervene and that she had been awful with me when the nursery staff actually called me in and asked me if I could stop her picking dd up on occasions because she was so off with the staff.

You have got to cut down on her having ds. You cannot have it both ways.

I think on this occasion you over-reacted but I think you were waiting for something like this to happen and it tested your dh's reaction - you were looking for a bit of support and loyalty in readiness for your new babies' arrival. It has gone badly wrong and on this occasion you have ended up looking unreasonable.

I wouldn't apologise though op because she has form and perhaps she will think twice in the future. You need to have a chat with dh though and say what you have said here.

Op I totally agree with you as I have the exact same problems with my in laws. They are great grandparents and love my dc but they never listen to me and just put it down to me being 'over the top' I don't think it's over the top to want my kids to eat healthily. It causes so many arguments with my husband as he agrees with me but is too scared to say anything to them so it's always me 'causing trouble'. I honestly think people who feed their kids healthy food get judged way more than those who feed junk all the time. I get so much grief for it. Treats should be in moderation.

Literally laughing at the people saying fish and chips is healthy!

If someone is good enough to look after my children, as far as I'm concerned, as long as they keep them safe they can do exactly as they please and feed them whatever they like. I don't think I have any right to dictate what my children are fed when someone else is in charge of them (extreme situations excluded of course). My MIL is a right pain but she did check with me, a lot, that I was ok with what she gave my kids and used to say guiltily that they'd had cake etc - it took me a very long time to convince her that I didn't give a shit whether she fed them cake all day - I trust her to look after them, therefore I trust her to make sensible choices about what they eat, even if that includes a lot of treats. She's not their parent so it's not her duty to look after their diet - she wants to indulge them and it's very much her turn to do that, she's already done her parenting.

So, that's my view on the food issue.

Unless there's a huge back story here I think you were getting very worked up about something that's not really worth it and it's best to let it go or to come to some sort of agreement with your MIL.

I'm assuming MIL was quite involved when DS was a baby. So it will be different circumstances to when your baby is born. Have you considered your childcare arrangements once the baby is here?

As for the fish and chips, it appears a huge overreaction on the face of it. Your DS was put in the middle and I think he's the one owed an apology.

When dc grow up noticing how mum gets overthrown by dh and mil on a regular basis, they will use it to their advantage. Such a delicate situ. It may be small fry on this occasion but you should be able to say! The drama unfolded because of mil reaction to a reasonable request! And then she drove off in a huff with the child !!

Nobody, literally nobody, has said fish and chips is healthy, it's not the worst thing anyone could eat either.

I honestly think people who feed their kids healthy food get judged way more than those who feed junk all the time

Huh

It doesn't have to be one or the other. Feeding your kids "junk all the time" is a bit extreme. And if the gran does have a habit of feeding junk, why the hell did they take the kid for a McDonald's breakfast knowing he was going there for a sleep over that night and would be having dinner at his grans. It makes no sense. Unless the gran doesn't feed him junk all the time.

You completely overreacted in this instance, and have unfortunately now lost the moral high ground because you acted a little crazy.

I would suggest a sincere apology to MIL followed with a non-confrontational chat about the things that bother you (and her).

*well, she has known him longer, and is his grandmother.

You sound like you do your best to be a good step mother,*

How patronising. OP has legally adopted DS. She is his mother! His grandmother however is not.

MishMashMosher - If you give your kids a healthy balanced diet at home 90% of the time, there is plenty of scope for them to go to McDonalds or have a fish supper now and again, especially in the summer holidays.

All this 'cut down contact' is pretty harsh on the 12-year-old DS, who I assume is close to his Gran? Especially after his own mother left him - I don't think we should be advocating that he is distanced from another female relative who loves him and cares for him - unless the relationship is really damaging (in more than fish and chips way).

With another baby on the way, it's important to try to work out this dynamic. OP - sit down and chat with your DH first and then decide how to approach MIL, preferably together.

I see it as you’ve been undermined for years and this was just the last straw. I don’t have a mil problem but I had serious issues regards feeding my dc crap from my mother. In the end I barely saw my mother and never ever let her babysit.
I’d just cut back on child care if you can. Your dh needs to support you in this.
Good luck with your pregnancy and hope you don’t beat yourself up too much. Grand parents refusing to keep to a parents wishes for a healthy diet is enough to drive anyone mad with frustration.
If she won’t meet you half way don’t apologise for wanting the best for your son!

Yes you were unreasonable in this instance, but as with lots of other posters, agree this has been a longtime coming.
I have a friend who met her DH, who was a single dad, when his DD was three. Until then, his dm had been massively involved in the dd's life. She still is, and has said openly she sees the child as a daughter rather than a grandchild. This has caused issues over the years. Sounds like you're in a similar position :(

I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook

I actually laughed out loud at this, I imagine MIL's jaw hit the floor I know mine would.

I think you overreacted massicely about the fish and chips.

However if there is a backstory then this may have been the final straw. I’m just concerned that these altercations are what you believe is how she undermines you?

Sometimes you need to let things go. She’s obviously wants to be in his life and spend time with him. That’s the most important thing isn’t it?

I prob would apologise to ds for witnessing all this. Hell would freeze over before dh got an apology for telling me to shut up. What would that apology sound like? 'Dh, I'm sorry I disagreed with you about what was best for our son. I should have stopped objecting as soon as I knew you were fine with it. I'm sorry I was so vocal with my opinion that you had to tell me to shut up about it. I should have been mitre earlier on.'

Get to fuck with that.

*muter

From what I can tell, YANBU (But it could have been handled differently)

As the mother of your child you are allowed to have rules for what is and is not ok (what movies can they see, bedtime etc..), at the same time, GP should be allowed to spoil their GC. The problem here is that when you have said no to DS eating fish and chips, the point isn’t whether or not its harmful. It’s about blatantly disregarding your wishes and disrespecting you, and that’s not on. 

When I take care of my nephews and nieces, if the parents make requests or give instructions I follow them. My relationship whit the kids isn’t dependent on me spoiling them against the parents’ wishes.

I don’t think a row in front of DS was right, or picking him up from her house, as this would just escalate the situation and is a bit OTT for the situation. Moving forward I would sit both DH and MIL down and tell them that it’s not really about the food, but your right as a mother to be heard and respected. I would also tell DH that how he speaks to you in front of your son effects his views on how to treat women, and telling you to shut up in anger is unacceptable.

Hope everything works out!

its not just the fish and chips though is it....as a parent if you try and raise your children in a certain way, ie healthy home cooked food, not too much screen time, regular bed time etc, if another adult who does have the child regularly disregards this every single time, it means they are either playing games to be favourite, or really showing their disrespect/disregard for you as a parent. Occassional indulgence by grandparents is fine, but if they are providing regular childcare, which i am sure in this case she is happy to do, then this does not give carte blanche to override how you choose to parent. Grandparents are supposed to support parents to parent a child. And anyway isnt all the advice we are always given is that consistency is one of the most important things you can demonstrate to a child. As your son is twelve now, i imagine you are close to not needing her for childcare? So hopefully it wont be a problem for much longer. I probably would recommend not having her for babysitting/childminding duties with baby, to avoid the conflict.

@iamawoman

Indeed but the DS isn't banned from fast food it's just that he had already had it that day. If they had planned for MiL to look after him then they should have sorted it out with her, saying "Oh we took the easy option today but here is some ingredients you can cook for him" is a complete piss take.

That said I don't really think this is about the fish and chips, it's just unfortunate that what pushed OP over the edge was an occasion when she was BU.

You were unreasonable.

I get it is a culmination of things that have happened over the years, but what sort of things do you normally get undermined over.

I would say that your husband should support you, but if it is incidents like this that are the problem then I can see why he may struggle.