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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Butch as a Mum

107 replies

Dani010186 · 13/08/2018 20:58

I am a butch looking lesbian and my wife and I want to start a family, unfortunately so far my wife has it been sucesseful and I’m willing to try but am scared of the reactions I may get . What’s everyone’s view or have u yourself been in this position. Advice please x

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 13/08/2018 21:01

It would be none of my business. Honestly, don't live your life worrying about the reactions of strangers - life is way too short for that shit. Smile

HelpmeobiMN · 13/08/2018 21:08

I would think that families come in all shapes and sizes and the way you look has nothing whatsoever to do with how great and loving you will be as a mum. Motherhood isn’t only for feminine women - any woman can mother, and mother well.

I’m not minimising the fact that some may be prejudiced, and some may judge. But remember that you have lots and lots of allies who will look at your family and only see love.

Good luck with whatever you and wife decide Flowers

DamsonGin · 13/08/2018 21:17

I've not been in your position but good luck, it wouldn't make me bat an eyelid and you'd get congratulation whatever. Hope it all works out for you both.

SPR1107 · 13/08/2018 21:17

Just think how much would you regret not being able to have the family you want, because of the fear of what others might think?
No matter your situation, someone will always find a reason to judge, or something to comment on, that's none of their business.
You go for it!

Middsummerskies · 13/08/2018 21:19

I'm a bi woman in a relationship with a man but I am really Butch (I frequently get misgendered) I am 9 weeks pregnant and I am quite anxious about it myself. I already get gender policed a lot and can only imagine that is going to get worse further into pregnancy and mother hood. There's actually a book you might be interested in Pregnant Butch, I haven't read it yet but it's on my wish list.

My plan is to ignore the judgements the best I can while keeping those who make them at arms length and to make sure I make time for my lgbt friends who wont be weird and judgemental about it

AnoukSpirit · 13/08/2018 21:23

I don't understand what I'd have to react to, beyond congratulations. I have no expectation that all pregnant women must conform to some weird feminine stereotype if that's what you're getting at.

I wouldn't have thought anything about it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 13/08/2018 21:28

My partner is relatively butch; I'm relatively femme, and she is the birth mother to our DD. It's never been a 'problem' in the sense that people were aggressive, but you do notice remarks. Virtually everyone, including other lesbian couples, asked us how come she was carrying the baby and wouldn't I be more likely to want to (which would be hurtful to your partner, as it was to me, if she's tried and been unsuccessful, so she might want to think of a stock response to that).

The other big issue was that when DP was in labour, I constantly got shut out of the maternity ward or had to answer dozens of questions before they let me in, because they just couldn't get their minds around it. I can't swear that was a butch/femme issue so much as one to do with same-sex couples in general, but it wasn't fun.

Now DD is over a year it is much less of an issue - people just stop caring or asking who is the birth mum.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 13/08/2018 21:29

(Oh, and you will also have to deal with a whole lot of tedious, well-meaning, 'oh my goodness me, who could possibly have a problem' comments from people who want to parade their right-on-ness.)

TheLadyArmitage · 13/08/2018 21:31

Do you like how you look?

If your problem is that your self conscious then maybe try a new fitness routine or diet?

If your happy with your looks and just worried about what others will think then don't, there are so many things that ANY kid could get picked on for, if it's not this then it's that, iyswim.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 13/08/2018 21:33
Shock

Wow.

Yeah, cos no one ever discriminates against people based on looks, so it must be the OP is probably uncomfortable with her looks and as a big fat butch she must need to exercise more.

Jesus wept.

TheLadyArmitage · 13/08/2018 21:34

And I've obviously misread the question 🤦🏼‍♀️

I've literally seen all sorts of people having babies whilst sat in the waiting rooms at the 'baby hospital', I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

As long as you & your partner are happy then 🖕🏻 to everyone else.

TheLadyArmitage · 13/08/2018 21:35

LDR - really Hmm

jelly449 · 13/08/2018 21:36

Oh this post makes me sad to be honest. You shouldn't feel scared of the reactions you will get - just go for it :-) you and your wife deserve happiness.

Tbf you will get looks - I'm 37 weeks and you get to a certain point where everyone looks at you no matter what you look like. But people will only be Interested in your pregnancy. You will be fed up of people asking how long you have left....is it a boy or a girl etc etc.

I bet you any money that if you catch any women looking at you, it will most likely be either with envy as they wish they were pregnant. Or sympathy - cos they remember how shit it can be at times (not to put you off there but it's true -
Sorry!) Or relief - because they are glad it's not them lol.

Go for it, having a child is a huge thing and something you both clearly want. It's only about you and your wife at the end of the day. Who cares what anyone else may think.

Wish you both all the best whatever you decide :-) xx

DamsonGin · 13/08/2018 21:36

Have you posted on the right thread, Armitage?

BertieBeats · 13/08/2018 21:37

There's a "butch" parent at the school my kids go to and it's honestly not been something I've thought twice about. She's well liked ,and gets on with all the other parents.
My son was fascinated with the fact his friend (the ladies daughter) has 2 mums ,but that's been the extent of it.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 13/08/2018 21:40

As a parent of young kids I really would not care about your family set up. M/f/l/g does not even come into it to be honest. So my view is apathy as you are just another parent.

I hope the above does not come across as harsh as I do not mean to. To answer your question zero reaction from me. Best of luckSmile

Theshittyendofthestick · 13/08/2018 21:40

What I learned about having children is that once you are pregnant, there will always be someone on hand to tell you that you're doing parenting wrong. This will probably happen regardless of sexuality/ looks/ anything else. The best idea is to stop caring as quickly as possible Grin

SylvanianFrenemies · 13/08/2018 21:42

I think it will be less of an issue for people than even quite recently - wankers aside.

The Scottish Tory leader Ruth Davidson is pregnant and appears to be more butch than her wife.

My DD has a friend who has 2 mums - I dint know who gave birth to him and have actually never wondered about it (til now!).

Domino20 · 13/08/2018 21:43

Ah no, that's so bad that you might feel like that. I can only speak for myself but nothing like that would ever cross my mind. Please don't let small minded bigotry put you off your dream of having a family. However it happens for you I wish you all the best x

glintandglide · 13/08/2018 21:45

I’m really surprised at this as it never would’ve occurred to me people would have a view on who “should” carry the baby (straight privilage I know) it makes perfect sense to both try as it can be really hard to get pregnant even in hetro relationships! Best of luck OP and I hope you’re lucky enough not to experience any negativity

minisoksmakehardwork · 13/08/2018 21:46

I worked with a 'butch' woman who was a mum. She eventually left her husband for another woman. But when she was pregnant she was just the same person she always was. No one who knew her batted an eyelid and those who didn't, didn't matter.

What you need to work out is how you feel about getting pregnant and everything that surrounds that. Not every woman wants to get pregnant and give birth, even if they quite like the idea of being a parent.

I wonder if your feelings are more about that than how you look, or whether you styled yourself butch as you never felt particularly feminine and that included the idea of getting pregnant on some level of subconscious.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 13/08/2018 21:47

There's a lady at a music group I go to who's in a civil partnership and her and her wife are fabulous parents. We've become friends and she was very anxious about going to baby/toddler groups because of what people might say. This couple used a surrogate (a good friend of theirs) and their son also sees his Daddy and his partner.

Everyone at our group has been very welcoming and we've been over to their house for play dates and vice versa. It's 2018 not 1918!!!!

Life is too short, do what makes you happy and don't listen to negativity from anyone.

Windmillsinsummer · 13/08/2018 21:49

Do it you won't regret it and who cares what anyone else thinks i get looks being a disabled mum but that's their problem my kids are much loved and wanted xx

Duskqueen · 13/08/2018 21:56

Tbh I wouldn't bat an eye, the only thing I would think is good for them. Go for it and ignore everyone else. Good luck to you both.

Blackteadrinker77 · 13/08/2018 21:57

Seriously?

You will have no doubt been looked at and judged before, we all have.

Stuff them, you get one at chance at life. Live it!