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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Butch as a Mum

107 replies

Dani010186 · 13/08/2018 20:58

I am a butch looking lesbian and my wife and I want to start a family, unfortunately so far my wife has it been sucesseful and I’m willing to try but am scared of the reactions I may get . What’s everyone’s view or have u yourself been in this position. Advice please x

OP posts:
katielouise3 · 13/08/2018 21:57

@Dani010186

I am a bit confused ...

What difference does it make that you are a 'butch' lesbian? Confused

If people are going to be homophobic/prejudiced against lesbians, it makes no difference if you look like Jennifer Aniston or Jo Brand; they will still snub you/dislike you/attack you for being a lesbian/having a baby with another lesbian.

DailyMailFail101 · 13/08/2018 22:00

Good luck OP who cares what people ‘think’ if you and your wife want a family go for it! Women come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours, it’s not just the Mumsy feminine ones that have babies. I truly belive nobody will bat an eyelid.

Polkapjs · 13/08/2018 22:00

Never given a thought to who should or would carry a baby out of the partnership but if you’re both happy to, whoever it works for then that’s your business.

TheMonkeyMummy · 13/08/2018 22:03

Go for it. I was just looking at this quote earlier and it sprung to mind when readying your OP.

Good luck!

Butch as a Mum
CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/08/2018 22:03

Your wife hasn’t been successful? Your own worries aside, I’m assuming she has tried more than one sperm donor (ie, it’s not the man donating sperm who has the issue?) or is going through a clinic?

Re your own anxiety, there are a couple of lesbian couples at my kids’ junior school. I don’t think anyone bats an eyelid beyond realising they’re a pair of lesbian parents. But we are in a city and not a little village and I think that can sometimes make a difference.

IceCreamFace · 13/08/2018 22:05

Honestly it wouldn't even cross my mind to have an opinion on who should carry the baby out of the two of you. It's an incredibly personal decision with about a million different factors none of which are any of my business. Anyone who makes a comment about it is rude beyond belief.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 13/08/2018 22:05

katie, seriously, there are lots of people who judge women for being butch. Why is that a surprise? We're all conditioned to expect that being maternal is a feminine quality. We've had loads of people, including my DP's mum, tell us it would be more 'natural' for me (femme) to have a baby.

SomeKnobend · 13/08/2018 22:06

Motherhood isn't dependent on make up or clothes or heels! I'm sure you'll make a really lovely mum - already questioning how everything about you will affect your child like we all do! It's such a shame this comes to mind as an issue though, it really shouldn't be one. There are butch mums at our school, I've never seen anyone react any differently to them than anyone else - not to say it doesn't happen I suppose, but if it did, it wouldn't be tolerated or accepted if witnessed.

I hope you don't let other people's potentially shit behaviour put you off of parenthood, and I really hope it happens for you soon.

Middsummerskies · 13/08/2018 22:08

This thread is wild, reminds me why I generally don't talk about this stuff with straight people.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/08/2018 22:09

I have to admit that I have mild curiosity about which mum is the birth parent (obviously in friends that I don't see in person frequently), but wouldn't make assumptions or even ask because it doesn't really matter. Actually, there is one couple where one wife is a FB friend that I went to school with and I do assume that her wife is the biological mother only because I know that my school friend was over 50 when her baby was born and her wife looks younger.

I agree with previous posters that anyone who makes a negative comment would probably make a negative comment anyway because you are a same sex couple. And you would ignore them anyway because who cares about stupid people's opinions. If your body works then use it.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2018 22:13

"If your problem is that your self conscious then maybe try a new fitness routine or diet?"

Jesus Christ, someone will be suggesting a spa day next!Angry

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/08/2018 22:15

Here the thing,you’ll never more judged then when you’re a parent.totally true
Folk can’t hold their water for wanting to inquire/intrude/suggest without being asked
you being gay for some folk will be the absolute gasp moment.they'll no likey
Others equally annoying will be desperate to befriend the lesbian mums

So what I’m saying is youre judged regardless,gay,straight,SP,working,sahp
I returned to work FT but my babies in FT nursery,that’s a whole debacle in itself

You can’t control other folk reactions but you can control your own.

I wish you both well

ScattyCharly · 13/08/2018 22:16

People are intrusive and rude when you’re pregnant or have a baby anyway. You want a baby so go ahead. People will have reactions but you need to develop a thick skin and learn some brush offs.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/08/2018 22:18

Haha have highlights or a spa day,that’ll sort out any sapphic dilemma
And anyone’s gives you jip, just log it with the police

Work on your oh really face when you’re actually thinking oh piss off...

juneau · 13/08/2018 22:19

Since you're both women (however you wish to dress or present yourself in terms of your physical appearance), I would assume that either/both of you might want to carry your DC. Why should you be any less maternal because you present as butch? You're still a woman.

PUPupTheJam · 13/08/2018 22:20

Hiya, I'm a lesbian mum of 4. I am very 'alternative' looking and my kids go to Catholic school.

We've never had an issue.

Families come in all sorts of packages.

Go for it and enjoy motherhood.

Shona86 · 13/08/2018 22:21

Thanks for all your supportive messages minisoksmakehardwork u have gave me food for thought. I think living a stereotypical butch life has put the fear of being pregnant in me, but it’s what we want and the idea is worrying but wouldn’t I be normal if I wasn’t worried ? X thanks again everyone xx

Petalflowers · 13/08/2018 22:21

mums come in all,shapes and sizes poem

Just found this poem online.

Also, when I did a quick,search, came across this quote. I think,it is actually referring to chrysanthemums, but somehow seems appropriate also!

“If the colors aren't enough to choose from, these flowers come in many different shapes and sizes. By planting mums with early, mid and late-season bloom times, you can have an outstanding array of colors and textures from the end of August into November.”

Shona86 · 13/08/2018 22:23

Ps I also work in the male industry which also worried me a little xx

Mariatequila · 13/08/2018 22:25

OP you will likely be judged as some people have a prejudice of who should carry & will wonder why you’re partner isn’t carrying, it won’t occur to them that she hasn’t been successful trying & may even ask you outright. It probably won’t happen as much as you’re expecting, maybe not at all, but likely it will. Now that you know that.... what are you gonna do? Let these people dictate this life changing decision?

Cindie943811A · 13/08/2018 22:33

Good luck to you & your DP, Dani. I hope you are able to have the family you both want our DC won’t care whether they receive their nurturing and love from from a “conventional” looking couple or two committed women but they will grow up to be more broad minded and accepting than anyone who may criticise you.
You’re through the hardest part of being out and living openly as a couple and nothing around pregnancy & motherhood will be as difficult.

Jaxhog · 13/08/2018 22:36

Do it! Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Good luck!

SummerStrong · 13/08/2018 22:39

I'm sad that you worry about being judged, that's shit and unfair.

I'd go for it, you won't regret it, being a parent is full of challenges but you and your wife will make great mum's, good luck Thanks

hiddeneverything · 13/08/2018 22:40

Doesn't matter what anyone thinks xx

Neverender · 13/08/2018 22:40

Personally, I'd be very happy to meet you. Nothing else.