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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Butch as a Mum

107 replies

Dani010186 · 13/08/2018 20:58

I am a butch looking lesbian and my wife and I want to start a family, unfortunately so far my wife has it been sucesseful and I’m willing to try but am scared of the reactions I may get . What’s everyone’s view or have u yourself been in this position. Advice please x

OP posts:
Iwantaunicorn · 13/08/2018 22:41

People are arseholes, and pregnant women however they look are fair game to all the fucking crazies out there! Personally, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid, it’s none of my business, and anyone with a problem is an arsehole. I’d arm yourself in advance with smart arse comments back for them (not bursting in to tears like I did), there’s loads on mn that I’ve seen since I had my babies which I wish I’d known then.

Good luck to you and your wife!

dangermouseisace · 13/08/2018 22:44

I don’t know about other parts of the country but I don’t know any parent personally who has seen lesbian parents/butch pregnant women/mothers as a negative thing. If you get pregnant, you soon find there are all sorts of pregnant women out there (or maybe I just saw a greater variety than most whilst waiting for my many, many appointments).

As pps have said though, if you are pregnant/a mother you will get judged by some people...sometimes it’s negative, sometimes positive. I wish you all the luck in TTC.

DollyDayScream · 13/08/2018 22:46

As long as a child is loved and secure. Hearts and Minds are more important than ephemeral things.

mayhew · 13/08/2018 22:47

All you need to give birth is a functioning reproductive system and the desire to use it. As a midwife, I never assume which lesbian partner is the pregnant/new mum.
I know I've (privately) guessed wrong sometimes.
It's the joy I see that gets a little something in my eye.

Cherrysherbet · 13/08/2018 22:47

Stuff the haters! Do what makes you happy.
I wouldn't care what you looked like, pregnant or not.
Good luck with everything. Enjoy this adventure and get excited because being a parent is amazing ❤️

DottyBlue2 · 13/08/2018 22:50

I'm a butch straight woman married with kids. If anyone questioned my parenting skills based on the fact that I don't wear skirts and heels then they can FRO.

For the record, my aunt is in a same sex civil marriage with a wonderful partner who lives in tracksuits and trainers. She is never ever judged on this basis as a co-parent.

Hope this helps.

WeShouldBeFriends · 13/08/2018 22:57

Do you actually want to be pregnant though OP?

katielouise3 · 13/08/2018 23:00

To be honest, most people are really not going to give a shit.

QOD · 13/08/2018 23:05

I’m 50. We were all talking at work the other day

What I found weird is that my age group weren’t remotely weirded out by two mums or two dads or butch or effeminate yet the 25 and under were?
Wtaf? Why has it presumably become less normal?

goforthandmultiply · 13/08/2018 23:13

My default appearance is butch lesbian. I've been pregnant 4 times. I have had zero comments about my appearance when pregnant beyond the normal stuff everyone gets like ooh when are you due, aren't you getting big etc. I genuinely have no idea what you are afraid of?

EndOfEternity · 13/08/2018 23:15

If someone has their judgey-pants hocked up to their chin they will judge you on anything they like: age, parenting style, weight, hair, complexion, going back to work too early etc etc etc (think I live around some particularly sharp tongues). Some people just love to judge, others don’t.
Don’t worry about it, just do what you feel is right, ignore the judgey-pants and enjoy.

goforthandmultiply · 13/08/2018 23:17

I understand the fear re your sexuality as sadly there are homophobic twatwaffles in the world. I don't see how your appearance makes any difference.

Ohyesiam · 13/08/2018 23:19

In my local area there is a mum who I took to be a butch lesbian for years. She’s a good mum, always warm and engaged with her kids. bumped into her at various family stuff, always had a chat. We got on.

I recently met her husband, so that told me.
But no didn’t feel the need to judge her.

Noqont · 13/08/2018 23:19

You should live your life and do what you want to do. It's nowt to do with anyone else.

DeeplySleeping · 13/08/2018 23:19

So what???? If someone was covered in tattoos and piercings it wouldn't effect their way of parenting. Fuck what other people think. Good luck to you and your wife I hope you manage to conceive soon. Xx

hungryhippo90 · 13/08/2018 23:28

Nope, wouldn’t really judge you for being a butch mum

recklessruby · 13/08/2018 23:41

No I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted to be a parent and thought about all the what ifs etc. You judge yourself often enough as a parent.
Thirty years ago I was a teenage mum and I got some looks. I learned to develop a thick skin and a don't care face.
Good luck!

arolam · 14/08/2018 07:58

My aunt is butch and she's had two children. They're now grown up and she has the most beautiful relationships with them because she's a good person who raised lovely kids. She's also got friends and we, her family love her. If I ever notice families with lesbian mothers I am always happy to see people living their lives how they want and actually think you're pretty cool.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 14/08/2018 08:15

I wouldn't judge you at all or really bat an eyelid. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. As long as you looked happy in yourself and your life (I appreciate that can be hard in pregnancy though), I'd just wish you well and let you crack on.

I do know a butch lesbian who is discussing children with her soon to be wife in the next couple of years, it never crossed my mind that she automatically wouldn't get pregnant just because she's butch. I'd just assume they'd gone with whatever worked best for them!

drspouse · 14/08/2018 08:30

This thread is wild, reminds me why I generally don't talk about this stuff with straight people.
It's reminding me of all those threads about racism (something I need to think about with a non-white child) where posters are told it's all in your head, just rise above it.

Neshoma · 14/08/2018 08:35

there are lots of people who judge women for being butch.

I do think some butch women look so unapproachable and angry, as though they'd punch your lights out if you asked them to hold the door.

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 08:39

The same situation is happening with one of the oldest friends and her wife, they have the same concerns about judgement.

For me, I wouldn’t judge and honestly? You will get judgement, but do you really need approval from people who are still in the Stone Age?

I know that’s easy to say, but if you see these twats for what they are (judgy bigoted arseholes) it’s easier not to give a shit what they think.

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 08:40

I do think some butch women look so unapproachable and angry, as though they'd punch your lights out if you asked them to hold the door

Thanks for perfectly describing what I was talking about.

Neshoma · 14/08/2018 08:46

LDR made a comment and I responded with my honest opinion.

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 08:49

LDR made a comment and I responded with my honest opinion.

Which neatly proved a point.

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