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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relocating once your children are adults?

118 replies

Berenje · 13/08/2018 11:48

I've read a few posts on here on this, and know people who have. I always said I wouldn't but...

I've been with my partner for some years now, we don't live together (partly my choice, also because I agreed with my ex that neither of us would cohabit while children were u18 and we've both stuck to that). Partner is from another part of UK, 5 or so hours drive away, and is returning there to live in a few months to help support family (parents and sibling). Partner would like me to move there in 2 years once my youngest DC is 18.

Logistically we would rent together at first then all being ok look to buy.

It's a lovely part of the world. Prices are much lower than here so I could sell my house and have enough to set my DC up in their own homes and buy a place myself.

I have a few friends here but don't see them more than 2-3 times a year. I don't have family except my DC.

However my DC are amazing. I love spending time with them and having them here. I can't imagine the house without them. I am not sure they would want to move though but I don't want them to feel I'm kicking them out or abandoning them.

Also without wishing to sound cruel I don't want to end up caring for DPs family at the expense of my children.

WWYD?

OP posts:
fabulousathome · 13/08/2018 11:52

Wait for the two years and see what your children are up to? They might want to move with you if you can help them on the property ladder or go to a Uni near the area.

MatildaTheCat · 13/08/2018 11:55

18 is barely an adult so I would expect a lot of resentment if you do that and also to see very little of your dc going forward.

My parents moved far away when I was 21 and I was fine with that but they have undoubtedly missed out on certain things such as regular contact with their gc. They’ve gained a lot in other areas.

Now they are getting elderly and my dad is unwell it’s tricky because I can’t support them as they would probably prefer. Also whenever any of us do visits it means staying with them which I know they find quite difficult as they are aging- especially their younger gc who are still young and boisterous.

In your shoes I’d be very hesitant because it’s not a shared dream, it’s a move of convenience. For your DP.

ExFury · 13/08/2018 11:56

I wouldn’t leave when they were 18. If they leave home or moved away or whatever then fair enough, but I wouldn’t leave the moment they turn 18

Icequeen01 · 13/08/2018 12:02

I have an 18 year old DS and there is absolutely no way I would move and leave him. I want him to leave when he’s confident enough to want to leave us not when I give him no other option.

You say your DP wants to move back to support his parents and siblings but why should that be to the detriment of your relationship with your children?

Don’t want to sound harsh Op but your post made me so sad for your DC.

Original poster
Berenje · 13/08/2018 12:03

House prices here are such that it's unusual to move out before your mid-late 20s, my DC have friends with older siblings who are 25+ and still at home saving for a deposit. The only ones I know who have moved out sooner were gifted deposits which I can't do until I sell this house (but can't do that unless I am moving area).

My elder DC (20) hasn't gone to uni. Younger one may do but not sure yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Berenje · 13/08/2018 12:07

Why sad for my DC? I've not made the decision. In an ideal world they would come with me but we live in London now and I'm not sure how they would feel about a rural location, they are very much townie types and not at all outdoorsy Smile

OP posts:
SpandexTutu · 13/08/2018 12:12

I would be looking for a new partner - you're obviously not on your current DP's list of priorities.
I wouldn't be following him anywhere.

Piffle11 · 13/08/2018 12:14

I know you say you've been with your partner for a number of years, but you've never lived together - that can change things massively. What if you up and relocate, only to find that you can't live with DP? I understand what you're saying about helping them with deposits, but it seems as though it's a bit of a price to pay for them - having their DM move so far away. I'm not sure if you're looking at this through rose-tinted glasses: what it comes down to is that your DP has put his family before you, and you are putting him and his family before your DC. I don't want to sound awful, but I think it's a win-win for DP. When I first saw your post I thought you were meaning relocating to where your grown up DC have moved! You may not have much of a social life at the moment, but why not remedy that? You will be reliant on DP and his family for socialising if you move - are you ok with that? And I must say I think 18 is still very young - if my DM had moved 5 hours away when I was 18 I would have been completely lost.

Storm4star · 13/08/2018 12:14

My DCs are 28 & 26 and I wouldn't have moved when they were 18. To me it's still too young. We also live somewhere where it's not uncommon to still live at home in your 20s. My eldest is leaving early next year (he's moving abroad) and my youngest semi lives with her partner, in that she usually spends 2/3 days a week here and the rest of the time with him.

Have you spoken to your DCs about this possibility? How do they feel about it?

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 12:15

Do whatever's right for you, OP. Adult children leave home without a backward glance all the time, the last thing they take into account is their parents. Once they've sorted their lives out the chances are you probably won't see a lot of them wherever they or you live. If you do move, it will be nice for you to visit them and get your London fix every now and then.

Loulabelle25 · 13/08/2018 12:16

My mum relocated with her new partner 2 years ago. Despite the fact that I was 28, married and owned my own home, the move has changed our relationship dynamic. Partly as I’m cross that she put her partner’s wants above her children - she wouldn’t have relocated without his influence. I’m now pregnant and my mum is finding it very hard that she’s not in close proximity. She overcompensates which then makes me feel suffocated.

I love my mum. I want her to be happy but just be aware that the physical distance can cause and emotional one too.

FASH84 · 13/08/2018 12:17

DH grew up just outside of London, went to a London uni, his parents relocated (to a rural area with no employment opportunities) as soon as he went to uni. The rest of us moved home after studying (wherever in the country we'd been) and it helped to be able to commute to the city earn a good wage or get onto low paid but very useful internships etc and save. DH was forced to stay in shared accommodation and pay high rent etc, without ending up with me when he was 25 (I owned a flat by then and the mortgage was less than the rent he'd been paying for a room) he would've really struggled to save enough to get onto the property ladder, I've we lived together and his outgoings were much lower he was able to save well and we bought a house. 18 is very young in today's world to be financially self sufficient without it having a major impact on your capacity to provide well for yourself long term.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/08/2018 12:18

*I am not sure they would want to move though but I don't want them to feel I'm kicking them out or abandoning them.

That's the reality though, isn't it? If you decide you're relocating as soon as they turn 18 then they have two choices, they either they go with you or they're on their own.

sunshinesupermum · 13/08/2018 12:19

My DP and I each have our own homes almost 300 miles apart - I stay with him for a few weeks at a time and he stays at mine too. Works perfectly.

No need for you to move or think of uprooting your adult kids. You can still enjoy their company and he can care for his family if you keep separate homes. Long distance relationships can work especially as you get older and enjoy your own space I find!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/08/2018 12:21

Adult children leave home without a backward glance all the time, the last thing they take into account is their parents

That's a massive generalisation. I know plenty of people who have turned down jobs, opportunities to live abroad etc due to wanting to be around to support ageing parents.

Storm4star · 13/08/2018 12:22

What is your work situation OP? Could your DP not rent a place of his own and you go there for long weekends, holidays etc? It would give you an idea of how it would be to live there rather than a huge step of uprooting everyone.

sunshinesupermum · 13/08/2018 12:23

My adult daughter lives in my home OP and my married daughter lives an hour's drive away - but they are older than your children and I wouldn't have considered moving away from them if they'd been only 18.

eurochick · 13/08/2018 12:23

My grandparents did this when I was a baby and my mum resented then for it forever. It meant she had no support as a new mother and we all hated the twice yearly trip up the M1 to see them (7-8 hrs stuck in heavy traffic is no fun for anyone - it was about 3.5 hours each way).

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 12:31

I know it's a generalisation, it's based on my experience. I moved miles away from my parents and returned when they started to need care. I still maintain that OP should do what's right for her. Nobody else.

19lottie82 · 13/08/2018 12:34

I think 18 is still very young. And you can’t put a specific age on it, you will know when the time is right. If your DC moves away to uni, then yes fine.

I’m still agog at the PP who was “cross” at the age of 28 @her DM for “putting her partners needs over her children’s” by moving away. WTF?

Icequeen01 · 13/08/2018 12:34

I know you haven’t made a decision Op but I feel sad for your kids that it’s even on the agenda if Im honest. I can only think of how my DS would feel if we even mentioned it was a possibility.

serbska · 13/08/2018 12:36

Moving just as the youngest hits 18 seems a bit ‘thank fuck you’re off my hands, I’m off now, see ya’

They will still be home quite a bit in holidays, or would they stay with their dad?

19lottie82 · 13/08/2018 12:36

My grandparents did this when I was a
baby and my mum resented then for it
forever.

Very selfish in regards to your mother. GPS shouldn’t have to put their whole life’s on hold to look after their grandkids! Let them enjoy their golden years. Imagine the situation was reversed and your GPs hated your mum forever because she moved away from their town?!

Original poster
Berenje · 13/08/2018 12:38

I'd like then to come with me. The youngest is a homebird but elder is always out at pubs and clubs and has a huge circle of friends. There is no way he would leave. Then I'm splitting up siblings if only one comes. And I've always been very conscious that the 3 of us only have each other.

In terms of partner and I travelling back and forth, well that's what we'll be doing for the next couple of years, seeing each other every other weekend, I go there or partner comes here. Unfortunately I only get 20 days holiday a year and am 45, so I have a good 20 years more working life (partner is in similar position) and therefore living 5 hours apart long term is not sustainable, especially as we'd see each other so infrequently.

It is a difficult situation. Partner has responsibilities, sibling has considerable MH and physical issues so cannot care for parents, and indeed needs help themselves. Partner feels a lot of guilt at being so far away and wants to move back while parents are still relatively fit and well.

I can't expect partner to stay. Equally it's not automatically expected I will go, as I have my DC to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Berenje · 13/08/2018 12:41

They don't really see their dad, the odd day here and there but not overnight or anything.

They do really only have me.

OP posts:
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