Relocating once your children are adults?

[Berenje]

I've read a few posts on here on this, and know people who have. I always said I wouldn't but...

I've been with my partner for some years now, we don't live together (partly my choice, also because I agreed with my ex that neither of us would cohabit while children were u18 and we've both stuck to that). Partner is from another part of UK, 5 or so hours drive away, and is returning there to live in a few months to help support family (parents and sibling). Partner would like me to move there in 2 years once my youngest DC is 18.

Logistically we would rent together at first then all being ok look to buy.

It's a lovely part of the world. Prices are much lower than here so I could sell my house and have enough to set my DC up in their own homes and buy a place myself.

I have a few friends here but don't see them more than 2-3 times a year. I don't have family except my DC.

However my DC are amazing. I love spending time with them and having them here. I can't imagine the house without them. I am not sure they would want to move though but I don't want them to feel I'm kicking them out or abandoning them.

Also without wishing to sound cruel I don't want to end up caring for DPs family at the expense of my children.

WWYD?

Plus you say the 5 hour drive is not sustainable. Do you really want to be that distance from your dc then?

I think if you were a true partnership you'd have worked out what to do together, not just him moving back up. In his shoes the only thing I would have considered is moving the parents closer, if I am going to be a carer, it will be on my terms.

You are only 45 and the capital pot that is your London home is growing rapidly by the month. It's the best investment you will ever have. Why on earth would you sell up at your time of life and downsize? If you change your mind in a couple of years you may find a return to London is impossible.

Making such a move without testing the waters for at least a year while renting out your family home would be most unwise.

And your plan for a permanent family base doesn't seem very practical. A 2 bedroom flat isn't likely to provide a substitute k for your DC. Why would you think they'd want to share for more than a couple of years?

As PPs have said, I can see the benefits to DP, but the gains for you seem unclear.

Huge amount of catastrophising assumptions going on here. Why would she be jobless? Nobody with even a trace of intelligence would move without getting a job first. Why would she be a full time carer? Nowhere has the need for full time care been mentioned. I wonder what the response would be if the move was for a new job that meant a significant promotion? Very different I imagine. Relationships don't seem to have much value on MN.

I am not saying parents should never move but there is a big practical and psychological difference between a couple of hours and the sort of 5-6 hour journey that can easily become a 7 hour marathon if you go by train or get delayed.

Relocate to Brighton and your DC can pop down after a day’s work and be with you to eat an evening meal. Or set off after breakfast and be there mid morning on a Saturday. Or drive there in a toddler’s nap time. Relocate to Carlisle? Not so much.

5 hours is with a couple of stops (I can't drive for more than 2 hours without a break). Without stopping and in reasonable traffic you can do it in just under 4.

There is a train connection to London which to the London terminus takes just over 3 hours (we are the opposite side of London, so train and car take similar times). The area itself has reasonable public transport, partners parents live a mile from the station and on a bus route. They don't require care now and do everything themselves (including car maintaince, cleaning gutters, mowing neighbours lawn etc) but may well do in the next 5 years as they do have a lot of ongoing conditions like hypertension, arthritis, diabetes. My partner wants to be there to enjoy time with them now while they're still ok and to be in place and prepared as and when they need more help. However that's a world away from me being a ft carer.

I will be working, I'm in a role which does allow me to move to a different location/ office, so I would expect to keep the same job I have now. No intention of giving up work though in 10 years finances permitting I might try to reduce my hours or work on a more SE basis. But I'll still be working.

Relationships don't seem to have much value on MN.

He doesn't seem to value it much, either. It's 'I am moving to be near my family 5 hours away. You come with me.' She's the one doing all the compromising. He's putting his family first, it would be folly for anyone to put their own second for him.

You sound like you've talked yourself into this, OP. That's worrying. There are so many people out there who can work for you who aren't 5 hours away and involve you uprooting your entire life at 47.

And yy to whoever said your kids having a place to live in London is a huge advantage employment-wise.

My DC will have somewhere to live. I will be able to buy them a flat, or give them half that money each.

I haven't made up my mind as I won't really know until after my partner has gone and I can spend more time up There, and I know how my children feel.

I've always know my partner wanted to go home, the original move to London was planned for 5 years but partner has now been here 20, and wanted to return home for most of that time but child and work delayed the move. This is not a new thing. Parents ageing is finally putting a timeline in place.

What's the alternative? At present parents are in a suitable property. Friends etc nearby. It is very nice, very safe where they live. Partner moves them here - there's no way to afford a similar property. They would be miserable. And it's a bit rich asking 4 people to move for my convenience given I don't even know yet if my DC will move with me (because if they want to it's a non issue). Who knows my DC might move to another UK country or even abroad in the next few years, I just don't know.

I think some people missed where OP said she would do a trial run first and rent out her house before making any kind of permanent move. I'm a bit surprised that people think her DP is being selfish wanting to be near his parents. They're getting older, they need help. I think that's more selfless than selfish!

OP, I think that if you are going to do a trial run then it is fine. No one is committed to anything and you can see how it pans out. From what you've said your youngest may well go with you and your eldest may be thrilled by the thought of having their own place!

I say speak to your DCs and take it from there. Regardless nothing will be happening for 2 years anyway. Your eldest could have met someone and moved out by then! Or gone to work away etc.

I think some people missed where OP said she would do a trial run first and rent out her house before making any kind of permanent move

But the damage is already done by then. If OP says to her kid "you're 18 now, I've been waiting for that to move away, you have to leave now and let me do what I want next* then even if she comes back that can't be undone
(* obviously she won't say that but it's likely that is what the 18 year old will hear)

I'm a bit surprised that people think her DP is being selfish wanting to be near his parents. They're getting older, they need help. I think that's more selfless than selfish!

Its not selfish for him to want to move near his parents. Its not really ok for OP to dump her kid to facilitate that.

But they don't need to leave. She's said they can stay in the family home whilst she rents somewhere with her partner. So it can be easily undone if people are unhappy. OP just returns home.

Sorry, that was my mistake in my post! I meant rent with her DP, not rent her own house out!

However you approach it, if you move away the minute your child leaves home/turns 18/finishes school/whatever, the potential damage is done.

Just don't risk it. You can think your way around it any way you want but it's kind of black and white. If you move, you might spoil the relationship with your children. If you don't you likely won't. They do need you so much more than you think at 18.

OP, you know your own kids. We don't. Not all 18 year olds are tender little flowers. Mine certainly wasn't nor was I. I left home before my 18th birthday, my son was 19 when he flew the nest. A few decades ago there were 18 year olds flying Spitfires under enemy fire, ffs.

A few decades ago there were 18 year olds flying Spitfires under enemy fire, ffs

More than a few, and that was a bad thing

Storm that's exactly it. All things being equal in 2 yrs ish, I can go up there. Indeed thinking about it we could all go - in some ways that could help the DC decide...I could rent somewhere up there for all of us and rent our house out in the short term - youngest could come before uni (or look for a job up there), if eldest doesn't want to come then obviously I wouldn't rent our house out and he'd stay here. But he could come for visits, see if a move might appeal. And then a year later or whatever we can look to make a longer term decision. I'm lucky in that I don't have to sell up immediately to fund the move, I have a bit of time. And work wise, I could agree the move as a 6-12 month secondment to the local office and either make it permanent or come back to London.

I'm under no illusions that it might not work out. However lovely the area is, it may be too quiet for me after the hustle and bustle of London. And Living together may not work; I've only lived with one person and that was a disaster (I am quite particular about certain things) so as much as I do love my partner I don't know if being under the same roof will work for us. I know that if the DC don't come with me I will miss them a lot. Possibly too much to stay away long term. So lots to think about over the next couple of years.

I know people who are older that left school at 15 and worked. I know people who married and bought a house at 18. Some people stay in education longer now. At 18 you are legally an adult. When I left home I lived in house shares, bedsits. I think some people expect more luxuries now.

Even flatshares can cost you more than half your salary these days.

It depends which part of the country you live in