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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relocating once your children are adults?

118 replies

Berenje · 13/08/2018 11:48

I've read a few posts on here on this, and know people who have. I always said I wouldn't but...

I've been with my partner for some years now, we don't live together (partly my choice, also because I agreed with my ex that neither of us would cohabit while children were u18 and we've both stuck to that). Partner is from another part of UK, 5 or so hours drive away, and is returning there to live in a few months to help support family (parents and sibling). Partner would like me to move there in 2 years once my youngest DC is 18.

Logistically we would rent together at first then all being ok look to buy.

It's a lovely part of the world. Prices are much lower than here so I could sell my house and have enough to set my DC up in their own homes and buy a place myself.

I have a few friends here but don't see them more than 2-3 times a year. I don't have family except my DC.

However my DC are amazing. I love spending time with them and having them here. I can't imagine the house without them. I am not sure they would want to move though but I don't want them to feel I'm kicking them out or abandoning them.

Also without wishing to sound cruel I don't want to end up caring for DPs family at the expense of my children.

WWYD?

OP posts:

EthelHornsby · 13/08/2018 12:45

I moved away (200 miles) when my last two left home to move in with their then partners. The youngest was 21 and they were consulted first! I am single and moved for a new start/job, downsizing from family house and nearer my own family. My relationship with my children is fine, they have all moved around since then but we travel to see each other. However I moved for me - sounds like this is because your partner wants it and to enrol you as additional family carer, which would not appeal. What will you do if it doesn’t work out?

Metoodear · 13/08/2018 12:53

Please don’t 18 is not really an adult my mates parents have just done this they fucked off to different country and every time my friends sister has a drama my friend has to sort of she is currently with my mate now after being invloved ina car accident

Storm4star · 13/08/2018 12:53

And I've always been very conscious that the 3 of us only have each other

I think this is significant. It's the same for me and my DCs so we are definitely closer as a result. I don't think you should put your life on hold forever though, and if the youngest would come with you then that just leaves the older one. What long term plans does the eldest have? Could you rent out your house for say a year rather than sell immediately? That way you would all see how it works in reality before making any final decisions.

eurochick · 13/08/2018 12:56

Lottie it was possibly selfish on my mother's part. But it wasn't that she expected them to look after me- just be around. I had a great relationship with my other set of grandparents who were local. I felt I never really got to know the set who moved away as we saw them rarely. And it was a massive pain in the arse when they got ill. We were too far away to be of practical help to them. Which made things hard for them and made us feel dreadful but there wasn't much we could do because of the distance.

19lottie82 · 13/08/2018 12:59

euro your DM could have moved you all to where your GPs lived?
My DF and DSM moved to the USA for 4 years (my DM is dead) and while I was disappointed and a bit sad I would never say I “hated them forever”!

umpteennamechanges · 13/08/2018 13:07

How old are you OP?

I ask because I have a friend whose parents decided to move out to Norfolk from the South East...they wanted to live more rurally and it is cheaper.

Roll on 15 years and they're now in a rural situation in their 70s, health is starting to fail sadly and there is little in the way of public transport.

They see their son (my friend) infrequently due to the distance and his work/family commitments. In the next 5-10 years they will likely need some help around the house, possibly care but this can't be provided by their son due to the distance and it's incredibly stressful for their son being so far away as everything is more difficult if you're trying to arrange help over the phone.

They have now been priced out of returning to the South East and so the future is looking very uncertain for them.

I know it may be a while off that you might need your children's help but I would really think about how you would manage in this kind of scenario as it's all too easy to up sticks now...but how will that work when you are older, less able to use a car and perhaps need some help?

Equally...they have two grandchildren now that they see perhaps twice a year

Original poster

Berenje · 13/08/2018 13:08

Storm, yes the way I was thinking was that I wouldn't sell our current house until partner and I had lived together for a while (renting) and we knew it would work. I could afford to leave one or both DC living here for a year in the meantime. If it didn't work I'd just come back. If it did then I'd sell up.

Eldest is working but no long term plans beyond having fun. Can't really decide on a career yet.

OP posts:

Storm4star · 13/08/2018 13:11

I think that's a good compromise Berenje. That way they get to stay in the family home while you all see how it works out.

sickmumma · 13/08/2018 13:12

Honestly I would chat it through with your DC before making any decisions. My mum relocated when I was 18, 8 hours away but set me up with a deposit to rent a house. I was far too young, it has really had a knock on effect on me now being able to own my own home as at 18 I wasn't in a full time job, I couldn't really afford the rent even living with my partner and now we are stuck in a renting trap. I don't think many 18 year olds earn enough to hold down a home unless you are gifting them a substantial deposit which would mean very low house payments. It has really broken down our relationship, we barely see her now as she is so far and I just feel sad she is not around anymore and I felt quite isolated at times. I would think very carefully about it! My dad has mentioned relocating now up north and I have no uncertain terms told him I would be very sad if he does (I wouldn't stop him if it's what he really wanted but ultimately it will effect our relationship and I would be gutted tbh) and I am now 30 so not a young child!

juneau · 13/08/2018 13:16

I don't think I could move when my youngest was 18, because that would effectively make him homeless if he didn't want to move. And why he want to move 5 hours away to live near your DP's family? This move would be for you, not him. I dunno - it's a crappy no-win sort of situation - but ultimately your DP is choosing his family over living with or near you in the future. If you don't want to inadvertantly become a carer for his family then I'd keep your own place and I'd also, perhaps, question whether this relationship is a keeper. Someone who was prepared to move 5 hours away from you is not exactly putting you or your relationship first, is he?!

Original poster

Berenje · 13/08/2018 13:25

These relatives are the only family partner has left (partners child sadly died) so I do understand the need to relocate closer to them. There will definitely be a financial benefit for my DC if I move. However I know emotional support is equally important. If they won't come with me and are not happy to be left then I wouldn't go.

OP posts:

EthelHornsby · 13/08/2018 13:28

I must have a completely different outlook/background to most people on here I think - I grew up with grandparents living a fair distance away but still had a good relationship with them as we or they travelled to visit. We had our children without expectation of parents providing childcare or ‘support’ on a daily basis, as they were our children and it was up to us to work out how to cope (both sides lived about an hour away) and we did just fine. We moved with my father’s job several times when I was a child, so I do not have one ‘home town’, although my children do, but neither I nor they expected to stay in the same place all their lives, nor be unable to continue with relationships if we moved about. We live on a small island, nowhere is that far away, why do people have such difficulty with families not all being in the same place?

Storm4star · 13/08/2018 13:29

It sounds to me like you have a good and close relationship with your DCs. So I would say talk to them about it and see how they feel. Go over the pros and cons and get their opinions.

IceCreamFace · 13/08/2018 13:31

I would wait for the two years and then see. Bear in mind that your children will be more keen to stay where they grew up (and still have friends etc) then in your new part of the world so be prepared to make the effort to come back and see them.

HollowTalk · 13/08/2018 13:33

I wouldn't go.

I think you should be really careful about painting yourself into a corner, financially. If you sell up in London you will never ever be able to live there again. House values rise there quite differently to anywhere else in the country. It sounds as though you're talking about Cornwall, Wales or Scotland - houses are a lot cheaper there and they rise much more slowly.

If you sell up and live with your partner somewhere cheaper and it doesn't work out, you will be stuck in that place or a similar place. You won't know anyone, your children are unlikely to live there and you won't be able to come back to London.

Your children won't realistically be able to buy somewhere until at least their late 20s. They need a solid career first and that's a long way off. If you give them money for a deposit, there's nothing stopping them from selling up and spending it, or getting involved with someone and splitting up and she gets half.

Keep your money for yourself, OP. You are cutting off all possibilities if you sell soon.

Firtreefir · 13/08/2018 13:34

My parents moved 5 or so hours away when I went to uni.

I didn't 'resent' them, but it meant I saw them a lot less as in the uni holidays I would stay with friends in my home town, rather than going to their new home, as I wanted to spend time with my friends.

Is that a price you're willing to pay?

user1457017537 · 13/08/2018 13:37

I wouldn’t do anything in haste. Is it possible for you to take unpaid leave or a sabbatical and go and live there for a couple of months. I would like to make sure I liked the life before I committed. To be honest I don’t know why anyone makes major life changes when they are quite happy!

SnuggyBuggy · 13/08/2018 13:41

What's the job market like in this proposed area? If your kids can't afford to live apart from you where they are and there is a poor job market in the new place you could be putting them in a difficult situation.

juneau · 13/08/2018 13:43

I think you should be really careful about painting yourself into a corner, financially. If you sell up in London you will never ever be able to live there again.

And this^

Original poster

Berenje · 13/08/2018 13:44

By selling this house I will have enough to buy a small 2 bed flat outright for my DC. Or use that money towards a mortgage. That will leave me enough to buy somewhere with my partner, and enough for a little investment property in that area too.

I am wary of putting all my eggs in one basket financially. But I don't feel a tie to here. I don't see much of friends. I could see them just as much if I moved away. It does come down to my children really and what they want.

OP posts:

maddening · 13/08/2018 13:47

Could your partner not move his family to you if it is they that need support

Solasshole · 13/08/2018 13:48

Depends on your children entirely and what they plan in life, so you'll have to talk to them. My parents and I all relocated together when I was 24 (we agreed on an area, I moved first because I got a job there first then they followed). If my parents had suggested doing the same when I was 18 I probably would have still been up for it and just decided to go to a different university instead closer to where we moved to. But other kids might not be up for moving. I was keen on the move so was all fine for me!

TheStoic · 13/08/2018 13:51

What scenario would make you happiest, OP?

Women are allowed to live for themselves every now and then.

serbska · 13/08/2018 13:52

Difficult in itself.

So the DC always have to live with each other? What if they both want to move in BF/GFs? What if one wants to move out to set up home with a partner (or to move away) but the other DC still lives rent free in the flat? Should they get a housemate to pay rent which would go to the other DC? What if one of them is a nightmare to live with?

You need to carefully think about this.

Original poster

Berenje · 13/08/2018 13:53

Moving partners family isn't practical. They have extensive ties to their area, have lived there all their lives. Also financially it would be impossible. Plus they don't like London. Too busy, noisy. They love where they live, which I completely understand. The pace of life s much slower there, crime is low.

There are job opportunities - fewer than here of course but that's to be expected. Salaries are a bit lower but houses are half the price of our area. Quality of life is considered very good there.

OP posts:

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