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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relocating once your children are adults?

118 replies

Berenje · 13/08/2018 11:48

I've read a few posts on here on this, and know people who have. I always said I wouldn't but...

I've been with my partner for some years now, we don't live together (partly my choice, also because I agreed with my ex that neither of us would cohabit while children were u18 and we've both stuck to that). Partner is from another part of UK, 5 or so hours drive away, and is returning there to live in a few months to help support family (parents and sibling). Partner would like me to move there in 2 years once my youngest DC is 18.

Logistically we would rent together at first then all being ok look to buy.

It's a lovely part of the world. Prices are much lower than here so I could sell my house and have enough to set my DC up in their own homes and buy a place myself.

I have a few friends here but don't see them more than 2-3 times a year. I don't have family except my DC.

However my DC are amazing. I love spending time with them and having them here. I can't imagine the house without them. I am not sure they would want to move though but I don't want them to feel I'm kicking them out or abandoning them.

Also without wishing to sound cruel I don't want to end up caring for DPs family at the expense of my children.

WWYD?

OP posts:
HotblackDesiatoto · 13/08/2018 21:38

Because my perception is that 18 year olds in the past were adults and left home. I and my friends did. This appears to be no longer the case, ergo I'm puzzled as to why this should be. Clear enough?

No, not clear. You agreed with me that in the past SOME not all 18 year olds left home, and some did not. Which is exactly the same as now. SOME do, and some do not.

So its not at all clear why you would be puzzled at a change that you agree has not actually occurred. Hmm

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 21:40

OK. Whatever.

HotblackDesiatoto · 13/08/2018 21:48

I'm sorry you can't follow your own logic, but as you say, whatever. If you remain utterly puzzled at some non existent change you already agree has not happened, I can't help you further.

Firtreefir · 13/08/2018 22:35

Because my perception is that 18 year olds in the past were adults and left home. I and my friends did. This appears to be no longer the case, ergo I'm puzzled as to why this should be

Er, house prices would be my first guess

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 22:40

Since when did 18 year olds buy houses?

Firtreefir · 13/08/2018 22:45

House prices are higher, therefore rents are higher, therefore 18 year olds can't afford to leave home

Bekabeech · 13/08/2018 22:55

A cheap 2 bed flat in my town is at least £900 a month. So £450 each for 2 sharing. That's very hard to afford on most young people's salary.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/08/2018 23:00

What Bekabeech said. I had to live with my parents after uni even though I was working full time. I didn't earn enough to pay private rent. It's shit still being dependent on your parents despite making the effort to go out and work but it's pretty common.

HotblackDesiatoto · 13/08/2018 23:02

Still wondering when it was that 18 year olds left home as a matter of course. I did but most people of my generation did not. My mother did not. Her mother did not.

Nofilter · 13/08/2018 23:06

Absolutely no way I would leave my child at 18 just when they were figuring out being an adult - I wouldn't want to miss out on that with her...

I think you'd really really regret this xx

Birdinthetree · 13/08/2018 23:06

I am simply not convinced am 18 year old should be called an adult - it seems like they are very far removed from the concept - 21 is closer but even then many are properly compared for life without their parents holding their hands.

missymayhemsmum · 13/08/2018 23:07

18 year olds sort of leave home. they go to college. then they come back. then they find a partner, then they come back. there's a lot of flapping and crashing before they fledge!

Talk to them about your plans and the possibilities. Sounds as though one might want to come, and the other might prefer to have the money for a place of his own?

C0untDucku1a · 13/08/2018 23:08

My inlaws did this. They separated when my husband was 20. One moved away to a seaside town with little employment and one moved country. He ended up renting a flat he couldnt afford until they loaned him money for a deposit on a house. But by then he was already in debt and in terrible spending habits. But my dh is a financial idiot. Your chidlren may do better.

Kokeshi123 · 13/08/2018 23:09

MaybeDoctor's post is good. Also, umpteennamechanges.

I would be cautious about moving to an area that is at all isolated and has poor public transport. I would also worry that I was being expected to end up caring for my in-laws.

Hidingtonothing · 13/08/2018 23:10

DH’s parents moved away when he was 24, he was pretty independent by then but honestly, I think he still felt a bit ‘abandoned’. They were a close family, not reliant on each other just close and loving but 15 years later they barely have a relationship, duty phone calls and the occasional awkward visit but that’s about it.

I think everyone has a right to be happy and live their lives where and how they like but you do have to be aware of the potential effect on your relationships with DC if you move away from where they are. PIL have a lovely life somewhere beautiful but are now quite isolated, they have no real relationship with DH and his siblings and GC they barely know.

I worry a lot about what will happen if/when their health deteriorates, our lives are here and DH already travels a lot for work so we won’t be able to offer much, if anything, in the way of support. DH’s response is always ‘their choice’ which I understand completely but seems really sad to me when they used to be so close Sad

Bit of a cautionary tale really OP, obviously no guarantee it would be the same for you and your DC but no guarantee it won’t either.

MaybeDoctor · 13/08/2018 23:11

The issues with such a move don’t immediately become apparent. For the first few years and into my twenties (once I had got past the immediate wrench) it was just inconvenient - the travel took the best part of a day each way, it was expensive and weekend trips weren’t quite long enough. The issues came later on when it came to life events such as weddings, my parent having a terminal illness and, finally, funerals and bereavement. I cannot even visit their grave without making a special trip. Once they were in one part of the country, it began to make sense for my younger sibling to be in another part of the country when they went to university, then of course they settled there...As a family we have, quite literally, been geographically fractured as a consequence of that initial decision.

Original poster
Berenje · 13/08/2018 23:14

I left at 18 for university but then came back for 4 years. Most people I know also went back home post uni unless they were moving towns for work or their families lived really really. The only person I know who moved out as a teen and didn't go home again was my partner who moved into a flat at 17. Which I think was too young really and has coloured partners view that all 18year olds are adults ready to fly the nest.

OP posts:
Togaandsandals · 13/08/2018 23:22

My parents moved 2 hrs away during my last year of A levels as my dad’s job relocated so they had little choice. I lived with family friends during the week and went back to my parents at the weekend. At 18 I then went to uni. My sister had already moved out.

Probably because my parents had little choice I never thought my parents were wrong to move. They had their own lives to lead. Not sure I am helping much sharing this.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/08/2018 23:31

Both my DH and BIL left home after university/college and moved to the other side of the country from their home town.

I took a bit longer to move away, so I was about 26 when I left.

Very few of our friends live in their home towns, especially those who went to university.

It seems it is ok for children, when they become adults, to move away but their parents must never leave the family home.

Young people seem to take longer to become adults these days. My MIL and FIL both left school when they were 15 and had to get jobs and were married at 19.

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 23:49

No way I'd do this. Not in a million years. Because for you it's not a good move. For your boyfriend it is, but it's not for you to be near 50 and far from a place where there's ready employment and services. He will be in a caring role and the stress of this is enormous. You'll be expected to help, surely. Can't think of any young people who'd chomp at the bit to leave London for a rural area. This is all about your boyfriend and what he needs and feels compelled to do. But financially and emotionally the risk is all yours - you'll be the one with no job, no friends, no family and his who have heavy caring duties.

If he can't deal with a long distance thing I'd re-evaluate. There are far too many out there to tie oneself in knots and compromise everything for one who's geographically undesirable.

LeftRightCentre · 13/08/2018 23:51

Which I think was too young really and has coloured partners view that all 18year olds are adults ready to fly the nest.

This is concerning. He's pressing you to put all your eggs in one basket, his and the one that suits him, despite knowing you and your kids have a different dynamic.

And seriously, do not underestimate how far a 5-hour drive is. It's far.

Intheg00dolddayz · 14/08/2018 00:03

Your partner has shown you by his actions what his priorities are, he has moved closer to his family. You could stay where you are and have a long distance relationship. You could end this relationship and find someone who lives nearer. Or you could move to where your partner lives and start a new phase in your life. I guess you have 2 years to decide.

Intheg00dolddayz · 14/08/2018 00:06

The 5 hour drive, is there a train service ?

tillytown · 14/08/2018 05:58

If you move I imagine you'll end up being a full time carer, do you want that? You sell your house, buy with him, but then you can't find a job so it makes sense for you to stay at home while he works. No job equals no money, so you can't visit your kids/friends when you want to. You can't afford to leave. You're middle aged and completely fucked. That may not happen, but I read the relationship board a lot, and it probably will.

givemesteel · 14/08/2018 06:24

Op don't do this.

You said you live in (or near) London. Your young adult DC will have a much better chance of getting on the career / housing ladder if they have somewhere to live in London in the early years of their career.

If you sell up and move up north your dc will not follow you, so effectively you've chosen your relationship over them. I know they're technically adults but young people still need a lot of support these days.

You'll also be unlikely to afford to be able to move back south if the relationship ends. If you've lived in London all your life there's a big chance you'll hate it somewhere more rural anyway.

It sounds like you and your dp lead quite seperate lives, he has chosen his family over you, understandable reasons, but you're not acting as a unit, or partnership.

He has put his blood relatives first, so should you.