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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relocating once your children are adults?

118 replies

Berenje · 13/08/2018 11:48

I've read a few posts on here on this, and know people who have. I always said I wouldn't but...

I've been with my partner for some years now, we don't live together (partly my choice, also because I agreed with my ex that neither of us would cohabit while children were u18 and we've both stuck to that). Partner is from another part of UK, 5 or so hours drive away, and is returning there to live in a few months to help support family (parents and sibling). Partner would like me to move there in 2 years once my youngest DC is 18.

Logistically we would rent together at first then all being ok look to buy.

It's a lovely part of the world. Prices are much lower than here so I could sell my house and have enough to set my DC up in their own homes and buy a place myself.

I have a few friends here but don't see them more than 2-3 times a year. I don't have family except my DC.

However my DC are amazing. I love spending time with them and having them here. I can't imagine the house without them. I am not sure they would want to move though but I don't want them to feel I'm kicking them out or abandoning them.

Also without wishing to sound cruel I don't want to end up caring for DPs family at the expense of my children.

WWYD?

OP posts:

AnnabelleLecter · 13/08/2018 13:54

No chance. My happiness and that of DC would come first and I would feel like I've upped and left. My DD has just turned 18, we still do loads together. I can't imagine moving 5 hours away. An hour maybe but not to spend half the time possibly getting roped into caring for dp's family at mine's expense.

paap1975 · 13/08/2018 13:59

Your children are going to grow up and leave you in the next few years. They are also not going to want to live together all their adult lives.
Now they are (almost) asults it's time to think of yourself a bit!

SilverySurfer · 13/08/2018 16:13

Loulabelle25
My mum relocated with her new partner 2 years ago. Despite the fact that I was 28, married and owned my own home, the move has changed our relationship dynamic. Partly as I’m cross that she put her partner’s wants above her children - she wouldn’t have relocated without his influence. I’m now pregnant and my mum is finding it very hard that she’s not in close proximity. She overcompensates which then makes me feel suffocated.

I'm puzzled by this. You're 28, married, home of own yet appear to begrudge your DM a life of her own. How old do you have to be before you think she is entitled to have that? Why should she not put her and her DP's wants ahead of yours now that you are an adult? I'm guessing you were relying on free childcare.

Tir3dandhungry10 · 13/08/2018 16:46

If you own your own house, you could rent it out and go and live with your partner. If it works out, you could sell your house and make the permanent move with your partner. Then give some money to your children.

HollowTalk · 13/08/2018 17:09

The thing is, OP, that you need that money yourself. It's one thing helping your kids out with spare money, but this is money from your own home.

Think of the worst case scenario: you sell your home and buy somewhere with your new partner. You give the spare money to your kids. It doesn't work out with your new partner. You find house prices there haven't gone up and it actually costs you to sell up. (This isn't unlikely with Brexit.) You then have half the value of a place in an area that you have absolutely no connections to. Your children might well be sorted out, but you - in middle age - are not. It's not a gamble I'd take on.

sunshinesupermum · 13/08/2018 17:16

I don't see much of friends. I could see them just as much if I moved away. You really won't. you know.

My BF moved 4 hours away from London and instead of seeing her a couple of times a month it's more like a couple of times a year only.

If you buy more than one property it will cost you a lot more in stamp duty plus the costs of maintenance when you're so far away. BF has discovered this by doing the same ie keeping a 2 bed flat base in London which her 22 year old DD lives in and says to her Mum 'I wish you were nearer so I could pop round for a cup of tea.' Said 22 year old has spent time away at boarding school and university and feels this way about her Mum so your DCs who have never been away from you are likely to feel much the same, maybe?

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 17:21

I'm a bit puzzled by the "too young at 18" view. For decades kids have left home at 18 ro go yo university, in many cases hundreds of miles from where their parents live. What's suddenly changed?

MaybeDoctor · 13/08/2018 17:27

My parents moved 5 - 6 hours away (with my younger sibling) when I was 20 and it had far-reaching effects. They located to an area that was isolated, rural and had very poor employment prospects.

I had no safety net and, to my surprise, felt quite abandoned. In the long run it has meant that me and my siblings have been geographically scattered. Relationships are harder to maintain. There is almost zero possibility of any of us living/working there. The roads are far busier than they used to be and journeys take longer. It added a whole extra realm of stress when one of my parents died. My surviving parent now sits at home and complains that people don't visit them often enough . Getting together as a family is a logistical mission and happens very, very rarely.

That was more than 20 years ago and I still feel the impact now. Don't get me wrong, I am a happy bunny and have built a lovely family life, but if I could go back in time and tell my parents not to do it, I would do so.

MaybeDoctor · 13/08/2018 17:39

It's quite different being a student, travelling away to university then slipping back home to spend the vacations in a familiar environment. You can catch up with old friends, get a summer job etc.

Compared to home suddenly being 'gone', therefore needing to make arrangements to rent somewhere over the holidays, no place to store your possessions, no connections or ties to where your parents are now, a long and expensive journey to get somewhere that you are not sure you even want to be...a completely different feeling.

teaandtoast · 13/08/2018 17:51

Call me cynical, but I see you being lined up as a carer to your partner's family. Would they all live with you?

Original poster

Berenje · 13/08/2018 17:59

There's no need for any of my partners family to live with us (their own homes are fine for their needs), and there definitely is no plan for them to do so. There's no way I'd agree to that.

As to fiends honestly I've seen 1 group who live within minutes once this year, others I've seen twice. I really don't think being further away would make a jot of difference.

OP posts:

Original poster

Berenje · 13/08/2018 18:00

Friends
Not fiends obviously.

OP posts:

Icequeen01 · 13/08/2018 18:09

@MaybeDoctor - totally agree!

peneleope82 · 13/08/2018 18:44

My in laws relocated about 3 hours away 10 years ago with much talk of how they would come back often. This has not happened and we are very much expected to go there. Not an enormous problem as we can say no but we want our children to see their grandparents so we go fairly often.

However, now my FIL is in ill health and they need our support, often in person and to be frank it’s a nightmare. It’s a financial strain on us for the travel and means are children are being dragged 3 hours up and down the motorway each way at least once a week.

They’re family so obviously we don’t resent it but it is hard and unsustainable long term in these circumstances.

Not a reason not to do it at all as it may never happen to you and if it did there are other options but that has been our experience.

crazycadetmum · 13/08/2018 19:17

I have relocated to a different area.. are children are 20and 23. They currently live in my house while we rent here until our house is sold. My son plans to move here once the house is sold and live us for a bit longer whilst my daughter will stay in our old area...
My son doesn’t mind and although my daughter was happy for us to move she misses me a lot and moans we have abandoned her but at the age of 23 we think she is old enough to cope...

My quality of life is better here and I know some people will think I’m. Selfish but after 23 years of putting the children first it was time for us to do something we wanted to do!

Original poster

Berenje · 13/08/2018 19:25

There is a definite quality of life aspect...the area we are moving to is often on those best places to live lists. Not much crime, good amenities, shops, traffic is minimal compared to London. I know there are downsides though, I've never lived anywhere I'm not a local. I do have quite a London accent so am conscious I will stuck out like a sore thumb. I also don't know if it will suit me. My partner grew up there but has lived in London for 20 years so is looking forward to going home.

OP posts:

TillyTadpole · 13/08/2018 19:36

Both my eldest left to go to uni at 18. They have built their lives within the uni towns. They very rarely come home. I see them twice a year for a weekend, usually summer and Christmas. Whenever we make plans to visit them they have usually made other plans or are working. There never seems to be a convenient time.

One has settled down and bought a house with his girlfriend, that they are currently renovating. They are expecting a baby soon so are putting all their efforts into getting the house ready. We speak on the phone, often.

The other is young, free and enjoying the bachelor life. We very rarely hear from him.

Our youngest is 16. She hasn't decided if she wants to go to uni yet. Either way I wouldn't move until she has moved out and built her own life. I need to sell this house to buy another and I couldn't throw dd out until she is ready to move out and be independent.

I would love to rellocate, to a beach area on the welsh coast, especially as I will be taking voluntary redundancy next year.

I live in hope but it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen.

crimsonlake · 13/08/2018 19:57

He is putting his relatives first, you need to put your children first basically.

Pinkvoid · 13/08/2018 20:03

I don’t think once a child turns 18 they automatically become an adult personally. Maybe in the eyes of the law but they don’t suddenly wake up emotionally mature. It’s obviously very, very dependent on the individual.

Some 18 year olds fuck off to a uni as far away as possible or leave home and start working and don’t look back. Then you get 18 year old’s like my Dbro who I just couldn’t imagine living alone at all... he doesn’t have the maturity for it.

You would have to wait and see how your DC feel at that age and what happens in their life, whether they attend a uni a distance away and get a place in halls etc.

Hagfish · 13/08/2018 20:38

I must be very different to most people as I would be a little disappointed in my DC (still young) if they didn't want to leave our "home" area for a substantial period of time or forever even. We live in a large English city. I grew up a few hundred miles away in another city and moved here just because really.

I do find it a little strange that I have friends whose children go to the same school as they did. Nice in a way but a little insular maybe?

I'm sure my view is coloured by the fact I grew up travelling a few hours to see nearest relatives, I married a furriner and my parents are now dead. But still, encourage your children to fly the nest, if not now, by their early 20s.

You could always contribute to their rent in a house share for a few years perhaps.

HotblackDesiatoto · 13/08/2018 20:47

I'm a bit puzzled by the "too young at 18" view. For decades kids have left home at 18 ro go yo university, in many cases hundreds of miles from where their parents live. What's suddenly changed?

Nothing. As before, some leave at 18 to go to university. And some do not. When was this magical time you think that all 18 year olds moved hundreds of miles away from their parents and never came back? I don't recall that ever being the case.

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 20:50

Did anyone say all? Many did. A lot of people settled in their university towns. According to a pp some still do.

HotblackDesiatoto · 13/08/2018 21:03

Well you said something has changed when it has not. Why were you so puzzled?

jacks11 · 13/08/2018 21:19

My mum relocated with her new partner 2 years ago. Despite the fact that I was 28, married and owned my own home, the move has changed our relationship dynamic. Partly as I’m cross that she put her partner’s wants above her children - she wouldn’t have relocated without his influence

You say you want your mum to be happy, but I don't see much evidence of that. I think you do want her to be happy in an abstract sort of way, but not at the cost of any inconvenience to you/if it isn't what you want. At at what point is your mum allowed to put her happiness first? When your 30, 40, 50? When your children are at school or only once they've left home? And what if you wanted, or even needed to move (e.g. for work)? Would your mum be expected to move too?

I get that it can be hard not to have family around, but should your mum sacrifice her own happiness in her relationship so that you have her nearby? Would that make you happy?

My maternal grandparents lived hundreds of miles away. My paternal grandparents lived 30 minutes. I am far closer to my maternal grandparents because we have more in common. When we went to visit them in the holidays, they devoted weeks at a time to having fun with us. I have the most amazing memories of our time with them. My paternal grandparents saw us most weeks, and whilst I know they loved us, they never made anything near the same effort and we were just never as close. So distance isn't the issue, it's the effort they make- at least, that was our experience. My grandparents loved where they lived and mum would never have wanted them to move somewhere else just so they could be in close proximity.

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 21:23

Because my perception is that 18 year olds in the past were adults and left home. I and my friends did. This appears to be no longer the case, ergo I'm puzzled as to why this should be. Clear enough?

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