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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you why you chose to get married?

130 replies

PoesyCherish · 12/08/2018 23:19

Was it purely practical reasons or does / did it mean more to you?

DP has been married before and the divorce cost him no end of stress and money. He would get married again but I'm half wondering why? I've been engaged previously to someone who was abusive. I stupidly and naively thought marriage would make us happier and more stable. That is until a friend kindly pointed out that marriage doesn't change anything and actually if anything, in my situation it would've made things worse.

I think I'd like to get married to DP but given mine and his past experiences, I can't help but question my motives. I only want to get married for the right reasons.

So, why did you get married? Do you feel it changed anything - for better or for worse? If you had your time again, would you make the same decision?

OP posts:
namechange2pointoh · 12/08/2018 23:21

Do you have DC's together?

Original poster
PoesyCherish · 12/08/2018 23:23

Not yet. DP has DD from first marriage but we have none together. We'd like to in the future though.

Whilst I think I'd like to be married before having DC, I'm just not sure marriage really changes anything given that he's been divorced previously and lots of other people I know who have DC are divorced.

OP posts:
HelpmeobiMN · 12/08/2018 23:23

I chose to get married because I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with DH and it meant something to me in a very deep rooted, emotional way to make that commitment in front of our loved ones. I do feel that there is a weight and security to our relationship that comes of being married - a certainty that we are going to keep choosing each other for as long as we’re alive.

That said, I don’t think that feeling is only possible with marriage. Couples must do what’s right for them. A relationship can be fully committed without a marriage. It’s such a personal thing.

TittyGolightly · 12/08/2018 23:25

A relationship can be fully committed without a marriage.

Not legally, it can’t.

Oldaintallthat · 12/08/2018 23:25

If you think you'd like to get married you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/08/2018 23:25

Interesting thread in view of the “open marriage” one on the Ask Me Anything board.

Seems that these days marriage is whatever you say it is, including not being monogamous.

namechange2pointoh · 12/08/2018 23:26

Whilst I think I'd like to be married before having DC, I'm just not sure marriage really changes anything

Legally it does.

Jelly67 · 12/08/2018 23:29

I would say you need to be very happy in your relationship first and then decide to get married to just further cement things... so you wouldn't for example take an unhappy relationship and hope that marriage will fix it.
It's hard to describe but i love the sense of security that marriage gives like we're a team, in this together, no matter what life throws at you. It seems if you're just boyfriend and girlfriend you can walk away easily if things get tough rather than really want to work on it together. There's all the legal stuff and practical stuff too, and from a traditional point of view I wanted to be married before having kids.

Jozxyqk · 12/08/2018 23:32

DH & I knew almost immediately that we wanted to get married. We had to wait & save up, we were engaged for over 4 years before we tied the knot. We (I) didn't want children before marriage, for practical reasons re paperwork etc. It didn't really change anything in pir relationship - we'd lived together for a few years before the ceremony so were sure we wanted to go ahead. I'd never marry someone I'd not lived with, seems very risky, what if they pick their toes with their teeth or something!?

My DH is a royal pain in the arse but I love him.

GreenTulips · 12/08/2018 23:39

Leagaly marridge changes everything. From next of kin should they die, and who decides on the funeral, inheritance, inheritance tax, medical consent if they aren't able, tax,

We married because we had children together and wanted to be linked so should anything happen we were protected in law.

Not romantic, but that isn't necessary why marriages happen or last!

TittyGolightly · 12/08/2018 23:41

If it helps, OP, DH and I have been married for 14 years and have 1 child. We don’t share a name or a bank account or wear wedding rings. Marriage can be a legal arrangement without anything else really changing.

MilkybarGrownup · 12/08/2018 23:42

Stay on Mumsnet a bit longer and you'll see exactly why marriage isn't just a bit of paper. There are dozens of posts about women (and occasionally the men) being absolutely ruined financially due to a break up or partner death when unmarried.

flirtygirl · 12/08/2018 23:47

I got married for love and religion. No sex outside of marriage in my religion and I'm fine with that.

MidnightAura · 12/08/2018 23:47

I got married because I love my DH and this isn’t popular on Mumsnet so shoot me- I wanted to be his Wife and have him as my Husband.

We also wanted to be married before having children.

PostNotInHaste · 12/08/2018 23:52

For the legal protection basically as by that point DD had come along and the midwife worried us about his parental rights.

Kismett · 12/08/2018 23:52

It feels like the ultimate commitment to me and I knew I'd be happy to take that step with my husband one day. We did it sooner rather than later so that we could live in the same country.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 12/08/2018 23:54

I'm engaged at the moment. When we talked about marriage before DP proposed, what appealed to me most was choosing to make a commitment to each other. I know not all marriages last, and I know no relationship needs marriage to be committed but for me, marriage means working through the bad times together and choosing to stay together. I have a friend who went through a bad patch with her husband a while back - they just felt disconnected for a while. I could imagine that in a less-committed relationship they may have broken up. Instead they worked through it and are now stronger and more happy than they were before.

I want that security and that promise that we're in it together for the long haul. That if things do start to go wrong, we'll do our best to make them right instead of just cutting our losses.

BackforGood · 12/08/2018 23:58

What HelpMe said.

Looking back, I can now add lots of reasons why it is/was a good idea, that weren't the motivation, or the reason I wanted to in the first place - the legal and financial security, and the next of kin status.

Mainly though, the motivation was that I had found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I wanted to make a public declaration to that effect, and a promise and commitment to each other, which has really meant something in the "thin" times of the 'through thick and thin'.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 13/08/2018 00:00

It does feel different to me, we had children together, bought a house and intended to stay together whatever, but when we finally got round to getting married it just felt more right, like we were cementing our lives together and were even more committed, although I didn't think we were lacking before. I feel more able to be myself, bizarrely. I know legally it's safer too.

Kismett · 13/08/2018 00:01

@CaffeineandCrochet I wish that my marriage had worked like this! One of the hardest things for me was the fact that my ex could so easily throw away all of it. Emotionally, anyway. It was harder to disentangle legally than it was emotionally.

In that sense, being married gave him very little pause and he ended our relationship the way you'd break up with someone you were dating. It was a tough lesson to learn.

FASH84 · 13/08/2018 00:01

For me it was an emotional choice more than a practical one. I want to be with my DH forever, and I think for me it had more significance that neither of us had been engaged or married before, although we'd both had serious relationships. It was something we only wanted to do with the other, neither of us ever grew up dreaming of getting married etc, so it meant we were doing it to create our own bond and family. At the time we got married we didn't know if medically it would be possible for us to have children as I had diagnosed fertility issues. That also showed me he wanted to marry me for me, not because I was pregnant or had DCs and it was expected or with any expectation that we would have that in the future. It sounds really silly but I didn't want to get married, I wanted to marry him and I know the same is true for him, before we were together and we were friends he would always say openly he'd never get married he didn't see the point, it even caused issues in a past relationship, but he just says with me it's different.

Laureline · 13/08/2018 00:01

We are planning on getting married after the birth of DD2 to protect each other in case of death and other legal issues like that. I will also be drawing a will with a notary.

I am the higher earner of the two, and if I did die suddenly with no marriage / no will, my partner would get nothing under the law of the country we live in, while needing to raise 2 small girls.

Teaandbiscuits35 · 13/08/2018 00:05

I wanted to get married because I wanted to spend my life with this man and be his wife. On a day to day basis nothing has changed but I do feel more secure knowing we’re legally bound. I’m also religious so it was important to me that we were joined together in church. We had children first so my wedding completed things for me.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 00:16

I never considered not being married when I found someone I loved and wanted children with.

I wouldn't have children out of marriage, those are the values I was raised with and religion plays a large part too.

RedneckStumpy · 13/08/2018 00:30

We married because we wanted to commit to each other for life. The legal reasons are irrelevant.