To ask you why you chose to get married?

[PoesyCherish]

Was it purely practical reasons or does / did it mean more to you?

DP has been married before and the divorce cost him no end of stress and money. He would get married again but I'm half wondering why? I've been engaged previously to someone who was abusive. I stupidly and naively thought marriage would make us happier and more stable. That is until a friend kindly pointed out that marriage doesn't change anything and actually if anything, in my situation it would've made things worse.

I think I'd like to get married to DP but given mine and his past experiences, I can't help but question my motives. I only want to get married for the right reasons.

So, why did you get married? Do you feel it changed anything - for better or for worse? If you had your time again, would you make the same decision?

Because we were in love and wanted children. I wouldn’t have purposely had children out of wedlock.

Yes of course it means something. It means DH and I are legally each other's family which was important to us.

We also wanted to celebrate this and have a party.

We also happened to want some tax breaks which we get in the country we live in :o but I think we would have got married anyway, we just would have done it on a different timescale most likely.

I did feel it made me feel differently about the relationship once we got engaged. Earlier in this relationship and in previous ones if we'd argued or had troubles I'd worry about us splitting up whereas this felt like a different level of commitment and that splitting up is not an option either of us is considering. I'm not naive to think that divorce isn't a possibility but it definitely seems far more remote than a break up might have before, if that makes sense.

I think in some respects it was social convention (I have been married for 32 years). However, that said, it was also that I wanted a tangible lifelong commitment.i think it was the same for DH. After marriage I have realised it is more difficult, for us, to walk away from a marriage than a relationship where you are not married. So,if you have problems you work them out, because divorce seems so difficult and final. It may only be a few words and a bit of paper in some ways but for us it matters. I realise this is not the same for everyone though, I know many people can be just as committed in a relationship without marriage.

If I had my time over I would have done the same. I don’t think previous divorces matter that much, it is more how the two of you feel at the time, and how your post marriage relationship will be.

mostly because we love each other and wanted the world to know how we feel about each other.

We’re both in this for the long haul.

When we got married there would have been a lot of people who didn’t really “get it”

He was riddled with debt and I was in the middle of a MH breakdown.

Together we worked through and have come out the other side.

We can rely on each other no matter what. I think that’s something a lot of couples don’t have. I’m proud of the relationship we share.

I’ve been on mumsnet since I was a single, childless 20 year old student.

I’ve read dozens of threads on the relationships board from women in shit relationships where their SO has been cheating/ abusive/ a total shit, they gave up work 5+ years ago to be a SAHM because “it didn’t make financial sense” for her to work, and she’s living in a house in his name. She wants to split, and asks advice.

Someone inevitably asks “Are you married?”

Op replies no, but they’ve been living together for ten years.

Every other poster let’s out a collective groan as this woman is about to be told that she’s put her life on hold, with no assets, no pension, drastically reduced earning potential only to be entitled to fuck all in the case of a split.

I got married because I consider my DH to be more of my family than my actual family, and I wanted to make a life-long commitment to him. Our beliefs mean that we didn’t live/sleep together before marriage, which wasn’t an issue.

All marriages take effort, so please do be sure of your decision. When I met DH I knew immediately that he was the kind of person I wanted to marry (had no idea it would end up being actually him though!), but we still dated for years before making that commitment. If you’re unsure, premarital counseling can help you assess things. Good luck!

I might get slated for a lot of this (like other PPs on this thread, I note).

Firstly, and most importantly, we loved each other and both wanted to make a commitment to each other. And it was a commitment important enough to do a song-and-dance about.

There were, if I'm honest, some evil bits going on in my brain.. specifically because he's quite a lot older than me and had lived with a woman before (actually, more than one) and I wanted to demonstrate to them the world, that we were a "better"? "more serious"? "more committed"? couple than they had had been.

I also think it's way too easy to just fall into living with someone. There are SO MANY broken-hearted posts on here about people dealing with their ex's. I'm not saying this to be rude or judgemental about those people, but I do wonder about their thought processes sometimes. When there's a post about "we weren't really a couple and he was sleeping with my best friend and then I had a baby and he's still a shit" type thing

This is esp the bit I might get slated for (If I haven't already been).... I have REALLY noticed that "society" takes our relationship more seriously as we are a husband and wife than if we were just person A and person B just living together. It does. I think people who co-habit HATE this, but I think it's the reality.

Actually, it pisses me off when a co-habiting couple refer to each other as DW or DH. I've got NO issues with cohabiting and I've got NO issues about why couples would rather not get married [I do get why you wouldn't], but it does piss me off when someone says "I don't want to get or be married because of x y z" and then refers to their parter as DW or DH

Exactly what helpme said. We wanted to make that commitment reflecting how we feel about each other. We are a unit in society the same way we are two halves of the one relationship for us.

Helpme really said it better.

Legal protection. We are from different countries, being married provides a much more stable basis for staying together (e.g. no risk of deportation if you lose your job).

One day we'll have kids and marriage offers me, as the woman, better protection if our relationship fails.

Next-of-kin status should something terrible happen.

Legal reasons.
While we knew we were a team & were it in for the long haul (well, so far), we wanted the legal protection that marriage gives. There's no issue about next of kin, inheritance (& tax etc implications) and all the other stuff that comes with it.

After we'd made the decision to get married we did it pretty quickly to get all that legal protection in place.

We weren't really into the big wedding, centre of attention thing, so we didn't feel the need to declare our love in front of people, but it was good to see our families so happy.

@MouseholeCat I'm sure you're well-versed on your situation, I just want to make sure people don't assume the same necessarily applies to them. I'd absolutely be deported if we were currently to get divorced in the UK. Marriage offers me no protection in that sense.

Also I realise that I've come off a little bitter here and that's not at all the case. I've been divorced and decided to remarry as I still believe in the commitment of marriage. My ex didn't, but that didn't change my own beliefs. I can see how it could change a person's outlook, however.

I have chosen not to marry. After watching my mum’s miserable marriage,and since, various friends go through acrimonious divorces involving such bitterness and anger, I decided it wasn’t a risk worth taking.
I admire those who make a marriage work long-term but I haven’t met a man I would trust 100%. I have a good career and I don’t need financiall support which makes things much easier.

There are benefits to being single. I know that I’m not suddenly going to lose the house, and that my dc will have a secure childhood, not having to change schools/homes or face the distress of a parent moving out.
I don’t have to worry about if a partner is lying/cheating, drinking, gambling, watching porn- all the things that come up on MN every day. The worst lie I’ll be told is if someone hasn’t done their homework.

We're getting married purely for the legal practicalities, it doesn't mean anything to us in terms of commitment.

That's not to say I think all marriages are equated like that. I understand for most people it's a commitment mile stone.

Stay on Mumsnet a bit longer and you'll see exactly why marriage isn't just a bit of paper. There are dozens of posts about women (and occasionally the men) being absolutely ruined financially due to a break up or partner death when unmarried.

@MilkybarGrownup - how would marriage change things though? DP was financially ruined when he divorced his ex and it took him years to get back to a reasonable point. The solicitors fees alone almost crippled him not to mention the fact he was covering all of both of their bills for months.

We own a house together as joint tenants so we'd each own the whole house if one of us dies. Plus should I die whilst we're still together he gets 4 x my salary from my life assurance policy and same goes for if he dies, I get a substantial amount from his life assurance too. What other benefits from your perspective does marriage give?

If you think you'd like to get married you are doing it for the wrong reasons.
@Oldaintallthat the only reason I say I think is because I feel I know I want to marry him but then I end up overthinking and questioning my motivations.

I got married for purely practical reasons (to get a visa to move abroad together) and was somewhat anti-marriage before. But I did find it was more than a piece of paper in the end. It seemed to change the way people treated us in a very subtle way, it reinforced our relationship in a way I hadn't expected and can't really articulate.

Dh and I married because we wanted to. It is the ultimate sign of love and commitment. We can't just walk away when the going gets tough with no further thought to the other.

We already had 2 dc, and dh has been married before. It gives us the legal protection of recognising the other if there were ever any issues re NOK etc.

We went on to have 2 more dc and all are now registered within the marriage.

Whether people like it or not, there has to be a system set up which easily recognised the legal implications of a long term relationship and marriage is that system.

Marriage does not have to be in a church, the woman does not have to take the mans name. Those are all choices which the couple can make.

Our marriage took place in a registry office in front of a small group of friends and family. Some of those family members were only there because we felt they should be otherwise we would have done it without them. Incidentally we no longer have contact with those family members!

People mistake a wedding for a marriage. A wedding is the superficial aspect of the marriage.

Because it feels highly different to be married to someone rather than living with them. I never had dc without marrige for the protection. Seen too many people think its the same but its not.

My aunt and uncle after 30 years living together have just got married with two random strangers off the road. Reason for the marriage...they retired now and wanted the next of kin status in case of an accident, pension etc.

When we got married the only thing I was thinking of was the romantic aspect of it. However after over three years of reading the relationships board on MN I know that if I hadn't already been married I would definitely have done so before having DS for the legal protection.

As others have said I do get the impression that people treat our relationship more seriously since getting married. I think being married also saved us during the early days of DS. We went through a really bad patch and I think that if we weren't married one of us might have walked. But thinking about what a hassle divorce would be kept us together through the sleep deprived stage

I wanted to have children and wanted to be married first for security.

If it wasn’t so important to my husband I wouldn’t have gotten married. I hate the idea of it really, and I hate being tied to somebody. But he really wanted it and I love him so I did it.

I got married for several reasons. I wanted children and I wouldn’t commit to having children with anyone who couldn’t make a clear commitment to me.

There was a chance my career would take a small step back and I wanted the financial security.

I’m traditional and I just wanted/believe in it.

Wouldn’t never get married again though. If we split up or he died (god forbid)

I’m getting married purely for the protection that contract brings. It will change nothing in our relationship.
If there was another way to secure that legal contact I would do it, but we’re still waiting on how the high court civil partnerships ruling will increase our options...

Not this again....

OP: is marriage important?
Everyone: yes!
OP: but... but.... but...

Poesycherish You have been clearly told why marriage is a good idea. (Dinosaurkisses summarises it very nicely.)
Tenants in common will not keep that roof over your head if you have small children and the relationship fails.

Unless you think as a stay at home mum or working mum with either child friendly hours or FT and paying for wrap around care you can buy him out AND continue to service the whole mortgage on that place (potentially with no financial contribution from him - no one thinks their partner is going to be a deadbeat dad when they have kids with them but men can and do avoid paying maintenance.) you would be well advised to not have children out of wedlock.