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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you why you chose to get married?

130 replies

PoesyCherish · 12/08/2018 23:19

Was it purely practical reasons or does / did it mean more to you?

DP has been married before and the divorce cost him no end of stress and money. He would get married again but I'm half wondering why? I've been engaged previously to someone who was abusive. I stupidly and naively thought marriage would make us happier and more stable. That is until a friend kindly pointed out that marriage doesn't change anything and actually if anything, in my situation it would've made things worse.

I think I'd like to get married to DP but given mine and his past experiences, I can't help but question my motives. I only want to get married for the right reasons.

So, why did you get married? Do you feel it changed anything - for better or for worse? If you had your time again, would you make the same decision?

OP posts:

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/08/2018 07:27

I never thought I wanted to get married, I was open up the idea but I was never really bothered until I met now DH, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and to declare that in front of people.

DH had been married before and went through a stage of not wanting to get married, we didn’t discuss it, I just nodded but was secretly disappointed. About a year later we went to out (later venue) for a meal and decided to book a wedding!

CherryPavlova · 13/08/2018 07:34

A bit cheesy but we married because making a public commitment before God by saying and meaning the vows was important - to have and to hold, forsaking all others as long as we both live. We truly believe in marriage the two of us became one, to enjoy life’s joys and share life’s challenges together regardless of any difficulties. It is a relationship that is like no other with full security, confidence in your spouse and the perfect way to raise a family.

BlueBug45 · 13/08/2018 07:40

OP - think about this Ken Dodd didn't marry this his partner even though they were together for decades. During that time he had problems with the tax man. On his death bed he married his partner. Why? To ensure the tax man got their hands on as little of his money as possible.

One of the main reasons now to get married particularly if you own assets with someone is due to our tax laws, as while the laws around things like parental responsibility have been updated our tax laws still favour marriage.

Oh and I'm the higher earner in my own relationship and I would be a CF to refuse to marry my OH at some point particularly if he takes on more childcare responsibilities, which he intends, as it would limit his earning power.

Nomad86 · 13/08/2018 07:46

Agree with Helpme

We wanted to have children and I knew I wanted to be a sahm so marriage offered me more legal and financial protection. It was only a small factor in the decision but looking back I'm glad for the security.

FinallyHere · 13/08/2018 07:54

As a financially solvent, already home owning, independent women, I didn't think marriage had anything to offer me. It's not very romantic, but I got married to avoid any inheritance tax (IHT) arising on the death of whichever of us died first.

There is no inheritance tax due on inheritance between married couples. The idea of having to find significant amounts of tax to stay in our jointly owned home, when i inherited his half, was a pretty powerful motivator. Colour coordinated wedding favour, anyone?

We own a house together as joint tenants so we'd each own the whole house if one of us dies

What other benefits from your perspective does marriage give?

@PoesyCherish Have you checked out the position on IHT?

KanielOutis · 13/08/2018 07:57

Because I wanted to be his wife, and wanted him to be my husband. I had the home, assets, and security, and I wanted to share that with him. And I had an amazing white dress and a big party

MaisyPops · 13/08/2018 08:03

We had been together for years, were looking to buy a house, wanted to start a family & marriage is a declaration of our love to friends and family as well as offering legal protection to us both.

Nothing changed in our relationship (and it was really nice to have a low key party with friends and family).

Aethelthryth · 13/08/2018 08:04

I would not have children with someone who was not willing publicly to commit to a lifelong relationship. There are, of course, no guarantees that it will work out but both parties should commit to trying to provide that stability and be as confident of it as possible before having children. If that level of commitment exists, why not get married?

There are also all the legal and financial benefits; and it is nice to be a "team".

I had a civil marriage, no being "given away", no ring, did not change my name

tomhazard · 13/08/2018 08:07

Lots of reasons. I loved my DH and was as confident as you can be that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

We already had one DC and wanted another. I wanted to be better protected whilst my wage was part-time and lowish.

We were due to move abroad for a couple of years and visas were significantly easier for married couples in our destination country!

whiteroseredrose · 13/08/2018 08:07

I got married because I adore my DH and ILs and wanted to be family. He is now my next of kin.

I also wanted to be a SAHM and needed the security of marriage for that.

Our house is in joint names and all money is joint. I wouldn't be prepared to do that without being legally joined.

Babdoc · 13/08/2018 08:08

I was very anti marriage, as a 1970’s feminist, so cohabited for 5 years. My boyfriend then crashed and wrote off our car. We couldn’t afford another one, so we got a £13 licence and married in a registry office. As that was 3 days before the end of the tax year, (in those days) we we were entitled to a whole year’s married tax rebate, so could get a replacement car! I went back to work the next day on a 72 hour on call shift at my hospital.
Very unromantic, but I should add we loved each other to bits until his early death 16 years later. And the marriage was then a huge blessing, as I was entitled to a widow’s pension and a death in service benefit - I’d have been left with nothing otherwise.

WindsweptNotInteresting · 13/08/2018 08:23

Like many others, we wanted to show commitment to each other and for the extra security marriage brings.

But also from my point of view, there was no way I was prepared not to have the same name as my children. I know for some this is not an issue, but I hated the idea if being the 'odd one out' in the family. And yes, I could have just changed my name by deed poll, but it's not quite the same. There are so many stories on MN where the kids have the dad's name and when the parents split up, the mum (who the kids generally live with) has a different name and it causes no end of problems and there's nothing she can do about it without the dad's permission.

CantankerousCamel · 13/08/2018 08:24

The legal security you get from that piece of paper is worth way more than the marriage license

TittyGolightly · 13/08/2018 08:27

Your husband could have changed his name.

Yupindeedy · 13/08/2018 08:30

I got married...

For the craic
For the legal ease
For the surname
For the ring

Bowlofbabelfish · 13/08/2018 08:31

For a mix of romantic and non romantic reasons tbh.

Romantic reasons: love each other, commitment blah blah.

Practical reasons:
Nothing protects a financially weaker party like marriage. If you are earning less, or have children together/house together then what you’re entitled to if you split married and unmarried is VERY different. If you’re the higher earner then it may not be be best you but for many women, marriage is the best way to protect yourself legally and financially. NEVER give up a job or have kids with someone who earns more than you without looking into this.

No one gets married with the expectation of it failing, but be clear eyed: almost half of marriages do. Look at the worst case scenario - if he runs off with someone else, what financially will happen to you? If he dies, what financially will happen to you?

You don’t need all the fancy white dress and party stuff. But be very clear and cynical (for want of a better word) about finances etc because this is literally your future on the line.

And fwiw I wouldn’t be keen to pair up with someone who refused marriage for the above practical reasons.

hesbeeneatingapotato · 13/08/2018 08:32

Practical reasons here. We could no longer really afford to (and hated living apart) live at other ends of the country. Getting married meant we could move into a married quarter and move around together easily.

Ooforfoxsakeridesagain · 13/08/2018 08:35

We had four children and XH was a serial cheat. We’d have been left high and dry if I hadn’t gone through with the wedding.

I did have a romantic notion that marriage would mean an opportunity for a fresh start. Wasn’t to be.

I wasn’t bothered about getting re-married until someone pointed out that without a husband/wife your Next of kin are you children and they’d potentially have to make medical/end of life choices for you.

Romantic, huh?

WindsweptNotInteresting · 13/08/2018 08:37

Your husband could have changed his name

You're dead right and it's something we discussed and he was not prepared to do (bit of a sore point, but to fair my maiden name wasn't great anyway).

So on that basis, I felt I didn't really have a choice if I wanted to have the same name as my kids. We could have double barrelled the kids' names I suppose but it felt a bit of a mouthful.

Marriage seemed the simplest solution to make us feel like a family. Plus I really did want the commitment side too, it wasn't all about the name 🙂

CantankerousCamel · 13/08/2018 08:38

By the way I think women who have children with men who haven’t married them, in this society are fools

The8thMonth · 13/08/2018 08:49

I insisted on getting married because I was 30 years old and ready to have children. We had been together 8 years by then but I wasn't concerned about marriage until I wanted kids. Marriage gave me and now three children legal rights and protection. It also is UK tax efficient, especially in the case of death. That said, we still keep our finances very separate for US tax purposes. Own bank accounts, savings accounts, etc. When on maternity leave I have a credit card, which he pays and he opened a second bank account so that I was able to get cash as needed for myself and kids.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 13/08/2018 08:51

We got engaged on a whim after just a few weeks together. He had been married before and had two kids, and went through a very acrimonious divorce which left him as sole resident parent. I had been engaged before to an abusive man. I was being pestered in a bar by a drunk man whilst out with now DH, and DH stepped in and told him to leave his wife alone. It worked and I didn't think any more of it. Then the next night he proposed (very publicly) and I said yes.

It just felt right. It might have been a spur of the moment decision, but we had a lot in common and although neither of us had expected to fall in love again, it happened suddenly. I then found out I was pregnant, so had to postpone the wedding until after the birth, but the decision was nothing to do with legal protection, I just couldn't imagine not being married to him. We've been together for 19 years now.

Oblomov18 · 13/08/2018 08:53

I married Dh because we were so in love.and that's what people did, right?

I had no idea of the legal benefits, till I came to MN.

And I disagree with seniors post:
"I have chosen not to marry. After watching my mum’s miserable marriage,and since, various friends go through acrimonious divorces involving such bitterness and anger, I decided it wasn’t a risk worth taking."

If the divorce is acrimonious, ie arguing over money, the kids, him lying about his income on the form etc, then that kind of acrimony, is going to happen anyway isn't it? Whether you are married or not. When push comes to shove, the person doesn't love you anymore, and doesn't want to share their money equally with you!

But if you aren't married, you have a lot less rights to 1/2 the house, pension pots etc.

So really the question is: why wouldn't you get married?

SlimmingMumOf1 · 13/08/2018 08:54

I didn't want to get married but my DH desperately did. It is mainly due to his culture and religion and we had DS before we got married. His Mum didn't approve (old school), so I went ahead with it. If I had a choice, I wouldn't have done it. I don't even wear a wedding ring!

BlueBug45 · 13/08/2018 09:02

@CantankerousCamel I will bite for the sake of this thread - state why?

(And btw Iooked in to surveys etc on women in relationships who earn more than their male partner, and it isn't as rare as made out on MN.)

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