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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you why you chose to get married?

130 replies

PoesyCherish · 12/08/2018 23:19

Was it purely practical reasons or does / did it mean more to you?

DP has been married before and the divorce cost him no end of stress and money. He would get married again but I'm half wondering why? I've been engaged previously to someone who was abusive. I stupidly and naively thought marriage would make us happier and more stable. That is until a friend kindly pointed out that marriage doesn't change anything and actually if anything, in my situation it would've made things worse.

I think I'd like to get married to DP but given mine and his past experiences, I can't help but question my motives. I only want to get married for the right reasons.

So, why did you get married? Do you feel it changed anything - for better or for worse? If you had your time again, would you make the same decision?

OP posts:
moanaonaboat · 13/08/2018 09:03

I got married at 25 because I was in love. Now that the love bits worn off I’m bloody glad I’m married.
Before dc if we split nothing really would have changed. I had a career he had a career we owned a property jointly.
Anyway now we do have dc, I took 6 months off on maternity leave and in my career path that’s a long time and set me back much more than that, I went back full time for another 3 years but then the toll organising a dc life, school, childcare massively hit me. I’d burnt myself out.
I quit my job became a sahp, not something I’d wanted to do but I couldn’t go on.
When we met my h and I were on same salary, he now earns 4 x mine. He is a good parent. He pulls his weight. But when it came down to it I still went to solicitor to see what would happen if we split. The outlooks not great even being with married but no way I would like to be sat in my position outside of marriage. I am safe financially whatever he tries to do because I’m entitled to a minimum of half even when now I can no longer financially put in half, raising my dc is recognised and the length of our relationship is recognised in courts.

I also believe things do change when you’re married, friends had frank conversations with me that wouldn’t otherwise have happened, people understand you can’t just walk away so sit and discuss a relationship with you instead of just rolling their eyes and saying walk out, society reacts differently, I travel a lot, it’s made a difference saying we’re married and I didn’t even take his name.

If anyone was thinking of having dc without marriage I would think long and hard that you will be self sufficient for the life of your dc. Of course that’s a fabulous way to be if you can be and I held out as long as I could but I just couldn’t cope and marriage is the fall back I feel is right for the contributions I have committed to during this marriage outside of financial ones.

It also protects you if he just does a runner on you leaving you holding the baby. I think many women on here can tell you about that scenario unfortunately.
Sounds like he doesn’t want to get married and you’re persuading yourself it will all be fine in the end. Perhaps look at your dp ex situation and imagine her situation with no housing, no money and the threat of child support not coming through all at the same time. It’s likely I’ll get more than 50% because I need to adequately house more than myself. Without my certificate of marriage it would be a very different outlook for me.
Someone who also naively thought it will all be ok if I own 50% of a property and work forever. And then there’s the question of dc with SEN. Again something you cannot predict and you are more protected if you a married.
I hope you see the many many practical positives before simply writing off marriage as if nothing changes soon OP. You don’t need to have a ceremony you can simply get married in the registry office if you truly believe nothing will change.

SweetheartNeckline · 13/08/2018 09:05

My husband had no family so wanted me to be legally related to him and recognised as his next of kin.

We knew one of us would become a SAHP or work part time as we wanted 3+ children. At the time we expected it to be DH but it ended up being me, but anyway we wanted to protect that person.

I didn't really give it that much thought beyond the romantic from my own POV. I loved him and wanted a wedding Blush I was also very young so there was a social currency in being "Mrs" - I guess I felt it rubber stamped our relationship as "Committed". I wanted people to know we were serious and invested in the relationship.

Both sets of parents have had lifelong happy marriages though, plus most of our friends have gone on to marry in their mid to late twenties.

Now I'm older I don't think you have to be married to be committed, but there are legal issues if you're not - wills, home ownership must be done fairly etc - and some benefits can't be replicated (eg inheritance tax exemptions). I still think it carries a social weight too but that's getting less as the years go on.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 13/08/2018 09:14

For us it was more of a why wouldn't we get married. There are sometimes good reasons not to, for example if you know what the legal and financial effects of marriage are and don't want them, but that wasn't the case for us. Why would cohabitation be better than marriage for us, and the answer is that it wouldn't have been. We wanted that legal, can't unilaterally withdraw it without the other one knowing level of commitment. It was emotional and practical, really.

It was a good decision and I don't regret it, as far as I'm aware neither does DH! Part of the reason it was a good decision is that, with respect to comments about people separating etc, married couples are more likely to stay together and are also more likely to experience the end of their relationship by death than separation. And marriage provides more benefits on death.

Now obviously the data about married couples being less likely to separate might be a chicken and egg thing, maybe it's being more likely to get married that makes you more likely to split, not the marriage itself. But at minimum, it's a refutation to the idea that it's less risky not to marry.

The only way to protect yourself from the possibility of a nasty, expensive separation is to not have a relationship in the first place. Or at least not one involving kids and/or property, since a twat ex can use the legal system to cause you shitloads of trouble relating to either of those, married or not.

In your own specific case OP, it sounds like marriage wouldn't change anything emotionally for you. For some people it doesn't. In that case, consider the legal and financial implications. That's easier in many ways, as it's not affected by anyone's feelings.

And as I said upthread, you might be assisted in making your mind up by also thinking of continuing to cohabit as an active choice. So not just why marry, but also why cohabit. Get yourself thinking about what the positives and negatives of both would be for you. Makes sleepwalking into a situation less likely.

Hoppinggreen · 13/08/2018 09:17

We wanted to have children, I dont have any issue morally with childrenbefore marriage but legally marriage is more protection for women having children
Marriage is a legally binding contract, not a posh dress and a nice meal with friends and family - that’s a wedding and not actually necessary

WillowRose79 · 13/08/2018 09:23

I adore being married. It just feels different than being in a relationship- it's knowing you've both made this commitment to each other. I love it

MiniTheMinx · 13/08/2018 09:23

I'm getting married in four weeks. Me 45, DP 49. Neither of us have been married or wanted to marry anyone before. Neither of us believed it was necessary or desirable.

I was with ex for 16 years. Two DC. At one point I was a SAHM and home educated the DC. I did though set up a business, and have some income from another source throughout. I did not want to marry him. End of. No amount of legal protection would have changed this fact. I did not want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I did not want the hassle of divorcing him. He made splitting up very hard and drew it out for three years. I would have almost invariably given up if I'd faced the extra hurdle of divorcing him.

I am fine. I am independent. I don't want or need access to my ex's pensions. He pays maintenance for the DC. I'm glad he has now no other ties or obligations to me, this means I am free of any obligation to him. When he left, he left with nothing. I have the house and I have it's contents. Because both were mine, and he could make no claims on me.

I'm marrying DP because I love him, and for me marriage is for life. At 45 it's easier to commit the rest of my life, at 25 it would have been an impossibility and a little too ambitious!!

HesterShaw1 · 13/08/2018 09:26

At the moment? I have literally no idea. Because I was young and I loved him and he asked me! Maybe I wanted someone to love me and a family and to put down roots maybe?

The family didn't happen and 17 years later he is moving out. I have done literally all I can to make it work. Very sad times :(

Metoodear · 13/08/2018 09:47

Because children who have married parents have better outcomes

Because your more likey to stay together if your married

Because I want the legal rights

And I wanted a wedding

barbiegrl · 13/08/2018 10:01

Just popped by to add my story to the mix SmileI got engaged after 2 weeks, we had a blind date and when I met him I just felt like I had "come home". He wanted to be married, as did I, and I was ready to have kids. It helps that he was easy on the eyes, and had a great sense of humor! I moved abroad after we got engaged,then we came back to our country to get married. That was 16 years ago and I can't imagine not being married to my husband. We talk about everything, he calms me down when I am in a tizz, and supports me in everything I do. 2 dc have rounded out our marriage and we also own a house together. Financial stability is a great perk, but not something we really talked about before getting engaged (we both owned our own property when we met but sold both properties to buy together).as in most relationships,we have had our good times,and bad times, but we are a team whatever the situation may be,and I believe that is made easier by being married-it is not so easy to walk away when the going gets tough. As a side note, should had been previously married-and widowed, whereas I was single-he had known marriage,and so was not afraid to jump right in when he met me.

LoveInTokyo · 13/08/2018 10:03

Good question, OP.

I got married sooner than I otherwise might have done because I am living in my husband's country and being married to him makes my right to live here a bit more secure. (Or might do after Brexit, anyway.) And it gives me a slightly easier (although not much shorter) route to citizenship.

But we would have got married anyway. When he proposed, I didn't even think twice. We had been discussing marriage for years anyway and it was just something we both always wanted.

We both earn about the same amount at the moment but you never know what might happen in the future. For me it's about the fact that we want to stay together for our whole lives and we want our relationship to be legitimate and recognised in the eyes of the law.

For us the biggest thing has been sharing our money. We used to go halves on things or transfer each other money for things the other had paid for. We don't do that any more. What's his is mine and what's mine is his.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 13/08/2018 10:04

We did because we loved each other. That should be why you do it not "practical reasons "

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 13/08/2018 10:21

Why? The reality is that marriage is a legal contract. That's one of the only things it indisputably is.

I married as much for love as for anything else, but telling people they shouldn't be paying attention to the fact that being married is very different legally to being unmarried, which you are when you say practical reasons shouldn't be why you do it, is very naïve.

TSSDNCOP · 13/08/2018 10:40

Because, to us, it was the next logical step toward a shared future and family.

GreenTulips · 13/08/2018 10:42

Tenants in common still have to pay death duty on the share of the property - usually upto 40%

It will be down to you to pay this

If you have children his share will pass to them first if he doesn't have a will in place

It's a mindfield

paap1975 · 13/08/2018 10:47

Neither of us needed to get married. We each own property and are both financially independent. Our ages mean we are not going to have children.

We wanted to make a lifelong commitment to each other.

I didn't think it would feel that different, we had already been living together for years, but it does!

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2018 10:49

Tenants in common still have to pay death duty on the share of the property - usually upto 40%

Only if the estate is over £325,000 ?

elQuintoConyo · 13/08/2018 11:03

After 12 years and 3 country moves together, we were starting to get a bit long in the tooth and thinking about children. We got married for (A) love and (B) practial reasons of raising a child in a country that is DH's but not mine. I wouldn't have got married after children.

Because we got married in the part of the country that we did, what you bring to the marriage you take out, if you divorce. So my extra property is mine, his inheritance from GPs is his, etc (not that we have either e 2nd property or am inheritance!).

We would have got married eventually, it was just one day we woke up and said 'let's get married' and organised a small simple ceremony in 4 months. DH doesn't wear his wedding ring, I wouldn't either but it has been stuck since my pregnancy with 6.5yo DS and we have kept our own surnames, DS has both (as is the custom here) with mine first.

It'll be 20 years this November. His parents were married until Mil's untimely death. My own parents divorced after 35 years. Both Dsis and I are in happily married relationships. Of DH's family, one sibling married with 2dc, one sibling co-habiting with one child, one sibling divorced with 6dc, two siblings single. So i don't necessarily think if you have a strong marriage that your children will, too.

CantankerousCamel · 13/08/2018 11:07

bluebug

Women making more money is not the issue. Women taking time out to grow/feed babies is.

It is irrelevant if you’re making more than your husband, as primary carer in the formative years you are entitled to half his pension if you’re married.

BarbedBloom · 13/08/2018 11:12

There was a romantic aspect to it for us, but from a practical perspective we would like children so I wanted the legal protection that marriage brings. We have wills and are listed at each others next of kin, but we just wanted to simplify things by getting married. I never thought I would get married again, but all good so far.

ducksgoquack222 · 13/08/2018 11:17

For me, it wasn't until our DD was born and I realised how much I hated having a different surname to her. Our surnames don't really double barrel and I personally dislike it anyway and we had been engaged for a couple of years. The only real reason I wasn't fussed before was because I do see it as just a bit of paper, and I didn't see the need for it. Although, changing name by deadpoll would have probably been a lot cheaper Grin

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 13/08/2018 11:19

Firstly because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and secondly because I was previously with someone for years and had children with him, we weren't married, we split up, I was left with nothing, absolutely nothing and he walked away with assets that I wasn't entitled to. BECAUSE WE WEREN'T MARRIED.
That's why, security. If he dies before me then I will be well taken care of financially because I'm his wife, no longer ne can claim dibs on what he leaves.

FfionFlorist · 13/08/2018 11:22

In the end we only got married for inheritance tax reasons...oh the romance.

shinyredbus · 13/08/2018 11:22

Because me and my husband are traditional and wanted to be married befoe having kids etc etc.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 13/08/2018 11:23

Deed polls can be downloaded for free so yes, it would've!

FinallyHere · 13/08/2018 11:49

@FfionFlorist snap

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