Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

[staraw]

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

Is it worth seeing if it's just the driving he's worried about and if he says yes, see if the Black Box scheme is worth it. It's for new drivers and after having it fitted, I think I'm right in saying your insurance premium lessens too. Yes, it tracks, but my point here is that it tracks the car, and not the person when they don't use it! I think it was invented to reduce mileage and note speed as well, but it is for the 'right' reasons. My friend's daughter has one and it's been quite useful her as she was quite nervous.

Then the phone tracker could go... Then you could find out what the ulterior motive is.

Sorry, may have got wrong end of stick, just trying to see a way out for OP.

@TooTrueToBeGood I appreciate your post. I think it's easy to interpret message or in this case a post and allow your brain to run wild with ideas of how you think someone is as you build up a picture and also personal experiences come into any situation when people are faced with relatable scenarios x
He hasn't got chance to 'brainwash' his daughter as his wife clearly won't allow and knows what he is doing isn't right or healthy hence the post x
I don't think you can take the approach of the victims impact determines abuse either as if that were the case we would all feel abused daily and be constant victims of how people impact us or make us feel ! X

The op said he says: "I'm worried about what she's doing, who she's with, where she's at"

I don’t think it’s about the driving...

I do wonder if people realise that mutual location permissions are now quite common in families with younger teens as they seem to be having a strong reaction to that, when really it's an obvious convenience feature these days (and answer to them thoughtlessly not phoning etc).

My DC all refuse to use such features (15 and up). And are all tech savy enough to switch them off - they don't want their friends to be stalking them either - and do find it funny that some of their friends have them switched on so everyone knows when they have a "sleepover" with their boyfriend.
I prefer to use the old fashioned methods of mutual trust, them knowing the can phone me and I will collect them day of night, and trying to keep communication channels open.

If I had a tracker and saw my DD seemed to be somewhere "dodgy" what exactly could I do? Go storming over there - and end any trust. Phone the police- and waste their time. Or question her about it later - maybe too late?
And my DC are very likely to genuinely forget their phones at someones house or let the battery go flat etc.

The scariest thing about this is that it normalises this level of control from a loved one. He is setting her up perfectly for the controlling, stalker boyfriend to walk straight in and pick up where he left off. She is learning terrible lessons about her own autonomy and how much freedom is normal for an adult.

She’s 18. Best case scenario is she has enough and it ruins her relationship with her father. Worst case scenario is that she accepts that this is how she should be treated and seeks someone who controls her, because that’s how she’s been shown love. Whether your dh has her best interests at heart or not, the controller most certainly will not.

Teach your daughter she is worth fighting for, and that men don’t control women in healthy relationships. It’s all so wrong.

This has nothing to do with being nervous about her driving! He says he's worried about what she's doing and "Who she's with". Problem is she is perfectly entitled to be out with any man or woman she wants, groups of friends, in bars, pubs and anywhere else that admits over 18s.

@hammeringinmyhead fair play, just trying to give the OP a means for him to really explain himself. She said he wasn't controlling in 20 years of marriage, but then says stuff like that which is confusing.

Everything FYC says is gold. This behaviour needs stopping ASAP.

Honestly; turn all the tracking off. All of you. It seems like a useful thing "just incase" and then it's normalised and you're going insane if you don't know exactly where someone is.

I'd start leaving my phone at home; if I was her. Don't encourage him to track her car, either. This is horrifying and you've normalised it entirely but allowing him to track you too.

My whole family has it. We rarely mention it or check on each other, but it’s reassuring when we’re all over the place. ATM DD1 is 8 timezones and 6000 miles away, DD2 is 300 miles away and DS is at a festival 50 miles away. I’ll probably check that DH has landed 200 miles away rather than texting and bothering him, and DCs use it to see if I’m at work before calling to chatter. It doesn’t bother any of us and isn’t tied in to paying contracts or as leverage.
It works for our family- what does your DD think about it @staraw?

@MissusGeneHunt Sorry, my comment was more aimed at previous posts justifying this by saying the daughter has just passed her test so he is allowed to be nervous.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath sorry, I wasn't advocating anything in terms of encouragement to track per se, it was just a means of determining what the motive was.

@hammeringinmyhead ☺️☺️

He's allowed to be nervous and worried, he's allowed to be scared of losing his baby or concerned she will have an accident. He just has to admit that's what he's doing, swallow that stuff now and stop interfering because she's an adult and it isn't his business. Hissy fit or not.

I think for someone with no previous for controlling behaviour it's ridiculous and a bit sexist to assume this is intended to do her harm or terrorize her.

It wrong on woman levels, and scary that tracking adults is considered normal by some.tell her that she can delete the app. You need to be supportive. He is not setting a good example of normal healthy adult relationships, and what she cash expect if she meets a man. They say a father provides a role model for girls male relationships. This is not healthy, and might serve her to drive her away, or enter a controlling abusive relationship. It is not just driving, he tracks her every move with this app and that's not right

@Etino but what use is it really? What if it shows your DD1 is actually only 5000 miles away in another country, DD2 is 300 miles in the wrong direction and DS is in Paris? What are you going to do?

Texting and talking is a much better way of knowing if family members are okay. For example it could show DH is 200 miles away as you expect - but in fact he's been mugged is in hospital, and that phone has been dumped on a bus.

Bloody hell so many posters jumping on the creepy bangwagon. If a woman was tracking her daughter we would all ask if she has anxiety and sympathise.

How is it not abusive when he threatens to take the car away/questions her if she turns it off?

If she wants to turn if off then she should be able to-with no repercussions.

Who is tracking adults considered normal by? He's being an interfering old busybody, and needs to stop it.

If he won't stop, everyone should simply withdraw their consent/get a new phone.

Honestly op I don't think you can see how wrong this behaviour is. Has she ever had a boyfriend? How did he react? This kind of controlling jealousy is a red flag for SA to me

This is not normal; it's deeply intrusive. And what kind of manipulative cunt threatens to take back gifts if their way of doing things is challenged. He sounds absolutely fucking awful.

Obviously when I come back with the "our roof" I get stuff brought up about how I didn't work when they were little but that's in an argument and he isn't usually like that

OK. Why is it obvious that he would say that? It's not obvious. He could not have worked full time and had children without either paying for child care of having you do the child care. Do you say that he has less say over the children because you're the one who brought them up? And it may only happen in an argument, because that's the point at which you question him so that's the point at which he wants to knock you back.

I am sure he is just a worried father but he needs to be made to understand that if he continues carrying on in this fashion, it will permanently damage her relationship with you both.
I say this as when I was a teen, thankfully before the days of mobile phones, my father would call the police if I was 5 minutes past my curfew.He would also insist that he was a joint account holder on my bank account ( otherwise he wouldn't let me work) so he could check what I was spending my money on. It taught me to be sneaky, lie about what I was doing and hide as much as I could about my life.

My dad had similar behaviour. Not with regard to a bank account fortunately but he did have an OTT reaction to me being late and he would follow me when I was out in public. It was concern but it was also controlling. It has adversely affected my relationship with him. It also completely stripped away whatever self confidence I had because he was saying that he didn't believe I could cope in the world.

If a woman was tracking her daughter we would all ask if she has anxiety and sympathise.
Not if the woman was threatening to take back the daughter's car if she didn't allow herself to be tracked 24/7.

Obviously when I come back with the "our roof" I get stuff brought up about how I didn't work when they were little but that's in an argument and he isn't usually like that.

But he is when you're explaining to him that your adult daughter has a right to privacy...

How can he take the car back? Is she the registered owner? Who pays the insurance? If the answers are her and her, then take that horrible Orwellian tracker off and just let him rant and ignore him. If she's not actually the owner of the car then personally I'd rather give it back and not be forced to have a fucking tracking device on me.

13 maybe 18 no. She could move countries by herself at that age.

And what if she has a suspected sti and wanted to go to the gum clinic yo get it checked and treated...his shit would actually put her off that!