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Original poster

Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

471 replies

staraw · 12/08/2018 21:36

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

OP posts:
Flowerylampshade · 13/08/2018 08:44

I'm not suggesting your daughter has an sti I'm just thinking of things where having that tracking is actually causing unintended harms. Aside from the lack of trust thing

twiglet · 13/08/2018 08:44

By the sounds of it he is struggling with the concept of "his little girl" being an adult and therefore is trying to cling on by tracking and then using ammunition such as the car and living at home.

I would try a different route as confronting him hasn't got far.
Sit him down and calmly ask him what his concerns are and why. By the sounds of it your DD is sensible so you can respond with she's not given you cause for concern.

Explain to him that you understand that he is worried but that she is an adult even though he will always think of her as his little girl but that she has to learn to make mistakes and to be independent in life.

I would also explain that if he carries on with the tracking and questioning then all he will do is push her away and he will know even less. He needs to learn to trust her and for her to make her own decisions.

Guienne · 13/08/2018 08:46

Zoe, questioning his daughter for a week about what she is "hiding" is interrogating her. "Questioning" would be asking her once and then leaving it if she doesn't want to say. Because she's an adult who's entitled not to have her parents insisting on knowing her whereabouts all the time.

ImAIdoot · 13/08/2018 08:46

How can he take the car back? Is she the registered owner? Who pays the insurance? If the answers are her and her, then take that horrible Orwellian tracker off and just let him rant and ignore him.

Even if they aren't really. The location sharing is a kindness to him, to assuage his concerns and nobody needs to do it. If he's going to be unreasonable about it, it can stop forthwith.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 13/08/2018 08:47

Ugh what a creepy dad stalking his own daughter

He does not listen to you

He sounds really bad news, your poor daughter thinking it normal for men to be controlling, abusive, and that she owes explanations

Hope it is a wind up!

AnduinsGirl · 13/08/2018 08:47

Adults are entitled to privacy and to keep secrets.

Ansumpasty · 13/08/2018 08:48

Sorry, haven’t read thread but if it’s when she’s out at night in bars/clubbing, I don’t blame him. Shows he is a good dad who is concerned about his daughter! It’s not like he can SEE what she’s doing or that he’s following her in person and watching through cracks.
If he’s checking when she’s in uni class in the day time every 15 mins, that’s a bit excessive...

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/08/2018 08:49

Sorry, haven’t read thread but if it’s when she’s out at night in bars/clubbing, I don’t blame him. Shows he is a good dad who is concerned about his daughter!

No, it doesn't, and horseshit like this is how men get away with controlling and abusive behaviour while still being made out to be the good guys.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/08/2018 08:52

The scariest thing about this is that it normalises this level of control from a loved one. He is setting her up perfectly for the controlling, stalker boyfriend to walk straight in and pick up where he left off. She is learning terrible lessons about her own autonomy and how much freedom is normal for an adult.

YES

Suewiang · 13/08/2018 08:57

If your daughter turns off the location in her phone he cant track her simple as

Suewiang · 13/08/2018 08:57

And he has no right to as I’m sure it would be classed as stalking since she’s a adult

Yutes · 13/08/2018 09:00

If it were me, I’d forgo the car to have a bit of freedom and privacy

Gabilan · 13/08/2018 09:01

Sorry, haven’t read thread but if it’s when she’s out at night in bars/clubbing, I don’t blame him. Shows he is a good dad who is concerned about his daughter! It’s not like he can SEE what she’s doing or that he’s following her in person and watching through cracks.

At least highlight the OP's posts and read those. There's a lot more to this. And at 18, she can go where she likes without needing his "concern".

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/08/2018 09:02

I would simply turn the tracker off and ignore the interrogating and ranting. If he is able to take the car back somehow then I'd let him; if it comes with the condition that my father tracks me everywhere I go, then it's not a gift and I'd rather rely on public transport.

The fact that he does this and also uses the fact that OP was SAHM when the kids were little against her paints a picture of a really nasty, controlling man with Serious Ishoos About Wimmin.

Slartybartfast · 13/08/2018 09:05

agree with forgoing the car. He doesn't own her

he still doesnt know who she is with.

Etino · 13/08/2018 09:05

@Bekabeech “texting and talking is a much better way of knowing if family members are okay”
It’d be a full time job getting confirmation from everyone every time someone arrives somewhere! As it is we all try and say hello regularly on family wassap but the tracking is a good back up that and last seen/ last active
I accept that different families have different MO, and the key thing is how each individual feels about it and that it’s not used a tool for controlling. Which taking back a car definitely is! That and the setting up for accepting control from boyfriends. But my DDs tell me they all have loads of friends they can see their location from via snapchat...

deepsea · 13/08/2018 09:07

Your dd can't stand up to him as he is threatening her, so you need to do it. Tell him to stop this minute, she is an adult and it is unacceptable.
Completely unacceptable. It is weird and creepy almost like he is stalking her and going way beyond what is reasonable to know she is safe.

Frank conversation today with him, and get it stopped, and then call your dd and ask her to turn her location off permanently.

Who cares about the hoo ha. You need to asset yourself on his or your dd will normalise stalking and controlling behaviour from men.

Ansumpasty · 13/08/2018 09:09

AynRandTheObjectivist

Sorry, haven’t read thread but if it’s when she’s out at night in bars/clubbing, I don’t blame him. Shows he is a good dad who is concerned about his daughter!

No, it doesn't, and horseshit like this is how men get away with controlling and abusive behaviour while still being made out to be the good guys.

It’s not just men-my mum lives abroad and checks where I am throughout the day. There’s nothing controlling about it!

whathappenedtherethen · 13/08/2018 09:09

To be checking every 15 minutes or so is unreasonable. We can all see where each other are. I do check where my DS is but only if I've not heard anything from him for a long time and I'm off to bed, it's a reassurance thing. I told my DS I don't care where he is (I do really) I just need to know where he is for safety reasons. He's fine with it. If anything ever happened and I was asked where was he last? And I had no idea, I'd be embarrassed as a parent.

Still, every 15 mins is unreasonable and needs to stop.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/08/2018 09:11

There’s nothing controlling about it!

In the case of your mother who lives abroad wanting to know whether you're at Tesco at 3pm or whatever, it's just bloody weird. But if you're an adult and you like having your mother watching you, well that's your decision.

In the case we're actually discussing, it absolutely is creepy and controlling. A man should not be forcing an adult woman to let him spy on her.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/08/2018 09:12

Has everyone seen the Black Mirror episode based on this very premise?

If you haven't, suffice to say, it did not end well.

DartmoorDoughnut · 13/08/2018 09:13

Change the registered keeper documents into her name if they aren’t already.

Ask your DH how he would feel if a boyfriend was tracking DD because he was concerned and just wanted to make sure she was safe at all times/was were she said she would be ...

If he still doesn’t think he’s doing something wrong then just turn off the tracking thing on yours and DDs phones and ignore him.

AnoukSpirit · 13/08/2018 09:15

"Somebody does this to me therefore it's not controlling." Riiiight Hmm

justilou1 · 13/08/2018 09:21

The tracker can't tell him who she's with, etc... Stupid man. TBH - I'd be getting everyone off it, just to mess with his head. I hadn't read that he tracks you as well. It's creepy AF.

Bekabeech · 13/08/2018 09:27

my DC's friends can all track them via Snapchat
In a few years/months are you going to be the ones asking for technical advice because your DCs have a stalker?

My DC find that feature useful sometimes when meeting up, say in a shopping centre, an open space or a concert. But they turn it on when they find it useful, and then turn it off afterwards - and tease friends who "forget" turn it off, so everyone can watch them walk home via the Kebab shop or spend the night at Alex's house etc...

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