Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

471 replies

staraw · 12/08/2018 21:36

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

OP posts:
amilosingitor · 13/08/2018 06:37

I don't need to bother saying I agree wIth everyone else but I will reiterate what a PP said...my first thought:

If she knows she's being tracked and ever purposely enters a situation that she doesn't want to be questioned about (tinder date for example?) she will simply leave her phone (in the car/at a friends?) and this is the set of situation where it would be safer for her to have her phone and as such he is putting her at greater risk by not letting her live her life. I'd be fuming, as a grown woman, if my dad did this!! I have a Disney dad who always let me do what I want but because of that I learnt not to take advantage and am also completely open with him about everything....it's a far better relationship.

AlmaGeddon · 13/08/2018 06:37

Surely she is more tech savvy at 18 than her parents. She can tweak this to suit herself I would think.
Unless he constantly cross examines her about where she's been I don't think it will matter to her too much. If she is up to anything she can fix it so you don't know by leaving phone or whatever.

FuckPants · 13/08/2018 06:38

He sounds like an absolute twat and you all need to turn the tracking off.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/08/2018 06:41

He’s a pig.

Resist this, op. It’s not normal, its not acceptable.

Fadingmemory · 13/08/2018 06:58

Controlling and abusive. Totally unacceptable. Is there any possibility of her moving out? He is treating her like a possession. Concern is natural, necessary and fine but this absolutely not. You and she need to woman up and challenge him, move the possibility of tracking (seems it is possible from what others say). Neither you nor she need to engage with the third degree stuff and the moaning - leave the room, refuse to answer.

She could acquire a cheap phone to use when out and about and leave her "main" phone at a friends but this is a poor second best - her father needs to address his behaviour, otherwise how can they have a normal father-daughter relationship? How he does it - counselling, pulling himself together, listening to her and to you is for him to decide.

Ultimately she needs to fight her own corner, but you can be there to support her. He has you both dancing to his tune - you are also being controlled. Good luck with it. He sounds a nightmare.

Belina · 13/08/2018 07:01

She is 18 he needs to let go

MonkeysMummy17 · 13/08/2018 07:28

It is abusive, it's an invasion of privacy and despite being pulled up on it apparently he is still in the right?

My dad would have done similar had he had the technology then. He also regularly threw in my face that my car (birthday present) was his really and I wasn't to do anything with it that he didn't know about and approve of such as visiting friends, going out, essentially going anywhere other than work.

If you disagree with what he is doing then you need to suggest getting rid of the tracking facility altogether and see how he reacts. That he throws in your face the fact you were a stay at home mum so haven't contributed to your home says a lot and it's something my dad has said to me. It may be 20 years but he's still abusive and controlling with what appears to be a low opinion of you and your daughter.

NewUserNameTime · 13/08/2018 07:30

His behaviour is unreasonable. Has he displayed controlling behaviours previously?

Pippylou · 13/08/2018 07:32

What does he actually do with the information?

What is the point? Will it escalate if she goes somewhere not acceptable to him?

Defo weird, as for the "my house" thing, yeah, get help!

Bekabeech · 13/08/2018 07:36

If my DH was tracking me or my adult child - I would LTB!

There is a way my DH could track me, but he never does (Find my phone from a computer), the functionality is only ever used when I lose my phone. There is no way he could track our DC (they've chosen not to have their phones linked).

Your H is being extremely controlling, and anyone threatening to "take back presents" is not someone I have any respect for.
If you won't LTB/kick him out. Then I suggest you help your DD to leave home ASAP.

NancyJoan · 13/08/2018 07:40

He’s risking her moving out, getting a new phone, handing back the car keys.

I hope she’s off to university next month.

Zoe2411 · 13/08/2018 07:44

It's amazing the amount of people throwing 'abuse ' out ! Shocking !
He's clearly just a dad who's finding it difficult to relax when his daughter is out in the car she's barely had 5 minutes and letting the reigns go .
Yes I think he should find an alternative like a text off your daughter etc instead as I feel this would be healthier for both your partner and daughter but I don't think he is a control freak or abuser etc Confusedx

Guienne · 13/08/2018 07:46

Zoe2411, if he's just someone who finds it difficult to relax when his daughter was out, how do you account for him spending a week interrogating her about where she was on the one occasion she turned the tracker off? After all, she was back and safe at that point.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/08/2018 07:48

He’ll question her for a week if she turns it off?
He checks her every 15 mins?
He won’t let her have her car if she refuses to be checked?

I feel sorry for anyone who thinks that’s normal.

Zoe2411 · 13/08/2018 07:51

She didn't say interrogated, she said questioned . Two completely different approaches of discussion !

I think it's a shame especially on a place like this that anyone who takes a different opinion , people ' feel sorry for ' or immediately turn against .

You have your opinion and have clearly stated how she should leave him and he's the biggest abuser going etc and mine was simply I don't think he is abusive , I just think he should find an alternative way of getting his reassurance .

The OP also clearly started in 20 YEARS he has never been controlling about anything .

ImAIdoot · 13/08/2018 07:53

@Zoe - Yes this was my thought. I am sure some of us have been,or will be, rightly accused of being interfering and nosey as DCs become adults and resist the idea of letting those reigns go, losing control of the situation and having to let DCs manage their own safety/destiny. Even rage about it.

I do wonder if people realise that mutual location permissions are now quite common in families with younger teens as they seem to be having a strong reaction to that, when really it's an obvious convenience feature these days (and answer to them thoughtlessly not phoning etc).

If this is coming from someone whose only previous is using that, I wouldn't assume abuse at all, just someone freaking out that their control is gone and their baby has to be allowed to make their own way/mistakes in the world.

WhirlingTurkey · 13/08/2018 07:53

His behaviour isn't right at all. He sounds unhinged and likely to drive her away if he continues. Is she planning to move away from home to study at any point? Presumably he will stop tracking her then...?

His lack of respect for his adult daughter is incredibly concerning. I'd expect NC in a few years if he doesn't start behaving in a normal manner towards her. I mean where do you draw the line with this tracking business? What's you have described is making me shudder, very, very creepy.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/08/2018 07:54

You have your opinion and have clearly stated how she should leave him and he's the biggest abuser going etc

Who are you talking to? Who clearly stated that?

ImAIdoot · 13/08/2018 07:54

(I'm not saying that 18 is a younger teen obviously, just that this could be a vestige of something quite normal these days)

Zoe2411 · 13/08/2018 08:00

@Helmetbymidnight well clearly not you seems as you've gotten so offended and jumped on the defence wagon !
I said more than that but that was the comment that reached out to you - brilliant !

It's the general feel of most the replies on here that her husband or 20 years is like a controlling abuser etc if you have any queries as to how I've made a 'general assumption' see below x

LadyLoveYourWhat · 13/08/2018 08:01

I think you need to not have an argument but discuss with your husband how things are changing, your daughter is growing up, she is an adult now and that what she does is her business.

Where does he see this going if it turns into a battle of wills? The ultimate response to "under my roof" is her deciding to move out, is that what he really wants to happen?

Has he thought about when she's "allowed" to go private? When she's 21, 25, 30?

What behaviour is he trying to encourage by setting these controls, is it working?

What is he doing to readjust to their new relationship as adults? These are all things he actually needs to think about, rather than getting in a row.

The "not our house" thing also needs addressing, but at a different time. How does he think he would have managed providing child care when your kids were young if you had not been at home? You sacrificed things to stay at home, a blip in your career at the very least which would have had a negative effect on your future/current earnings if he wants to take it to pounds and pence.

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/08/2018 08:02

Zoe. You're making the mistake of thinking that the biggest factor in determining if behaviour is abusive is the motivation of the perpetrator. It's not. The impact on the victim is the most important determining factor. Many abusers are not being deliberately abusive or controlling and there is no malice intended. In their warped minds they are caring, loving and simply understand the dangers of the world better than those they are controlling. However, he is brainwashing his daughter to accept that his will trumps her right to privacy and autonomy. He is setting her up to be a perfect victim for future controlling partners. Lack of malice does not equal lack of damage.

Zoe2411 · 13/08/2018 08:03

@ImAIdoot Exactly ! ...
At no point have I said that what her husband is doing is right whatsoever , I just wanted to state my opinion that I don't think he is abusive but that yes he definitely needs to find other ways to reassure himself and allow his daughter to live without compromising the trust between father and daughter and being intrusive ! She is 18 and has just passed her test which would make any parent squirm a little with worry x

Oceandegree · 13/08/2018 08:03

Sounds as though he is quite controlling over her. He's using blackmail to stop her trying to stop it.
How was he in her younger years?
Is he scared he'll lose her or she'll meet someone?

Helmetbymidnight · 13/08/2018 08:08

I haven’t got offended at all. Confused or jumped on the defense wagon. clearly you are mistaken.

I asked who you were talking to. It looks like you were talking to No one. Clearly making things up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread