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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the guy I fancy at work fancies me too?

162 replies

NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 19:50

Please can you help me to interpret these signs! I'm normally quite forthright and have been the one to initiate the 'I like you' chat with a couple of guys in the past, only to have been knocked back. So now I want him to be the one who makes the first move, if indeed he is interested.

Just for background, we both do busy intense jobs. He is more senior than me but not what you would call my boss.

So, we met at work last October and although I didn't find him attractive initially (consciously), I was sure I had met him before and said this to him. And he said he felt exactly the same.

Since then we have become what I would say is close. We have worked long shifts together when it has just been the two of us for a few days in a row. We have had lots of intimate chats and I feel like we have got very close very quickly.

For context, he went to a single sex school and has 2 brothers. He is the eldest. He has referred to a couple of female friends who are in relationships.

We didn't see each other for 3 weeks and during that time apart I realised how strongly I felt about him. When we met again at work the rapport and banter was straight back to where it was before - i.e., close, intimate chats.

He teases me sometimes and thinks about me when we're apart to the extent that he reflects on our conversations and will bring things up again from previous chats.

But, his pupils don't dilate when he sees me. I'm sure mine are great big saucers!

He is always complimenting me on how nice and kind I am, etc.

Do you think he likes me?

I should add that we're in our mid to late 30s so this is not a teen crush!

Any thoughts or insight into the male brain is desperately sought please! Thanks.

OP posts:
Ethylred · 12/08/2018 23:08

He might be terrified of breaching some company anti-harassment policy by asking you out.

Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 23:09

MrsGarethSouthgate, I think he's just exhausted and rests. The three days I worked with him was over a weekend. The next couple were in the week and the following weekend he was doing nothing. Then I last saw him on my half day last week.

OP posts:
Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 23:13

Stepmum3, he doesn't appear to be friends with anyone else I can think of at work.

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 12/08/2018 23:19

I'd bide my time. If nothing's happened by the time he leaves your workplace, invite him for a farewell drink/lunch and tell him you'd like to keep in touch. If he responds positively to those suggestions, ask him out (there'll be nothing to lose by this point).

CSIblonde · 12/08/2018 23:46

The thing is after working in so many massive male dominated companies, I've had massively flirty banter & intimate chats... Then they've turned out to have a steady girlfriend. Ego boost flirting is hard to distinguish from i'm single flirting: but generally if they are single it progresses to coffee or drinks. Ego flirting only gets to that point if they have an affair in mind. I'd just say so what are you & your girlfriend doing at the weekend & watch his face/reaction. Or, bemoan being single & see whether he joins in....

Twombly · 13/08/2018 00:26

Hard to tell whether he's interested in you or not from what you've written, OP, but it does strike me that the early days of getting together with someone are meant to be the easy bit of a relationship. This sounds like awfully hard work to me: too much agonising and soul searching to be much fun. I'm speaking with the wisdom of the jaded old bat, mind you. I did plenty of agonising in my day, but I don't seem to recall those being the relationships that went anywhere. I think once he moves on you'll have your answer one way or the other though.

esk1mo · 13/08/2018 00:37

cant you just ask if he has a partner? when talking about weekends etc, just drop it in. its a pretty normal question to ask someone Smile

“i cant remember if you already told me, but did you say you have a girlfriend? is that who you went golfing/cinema/tesco with on your day off on saturday?”

if he does then you wont take it further, if he doesnt then i’d ask him jokingly (in a different conversation) “so when are we going to have our sambuca vs tequila drink off?!” or something stupid like that, make it seem like friends. “oh i love strawberry daquiris, BlahBlah in town does them we should go and get hammered as a treat for working so hard” Grin

you’ll know by his reaction if he’s interested

DameSquashalot · 13/08/2018 06:10

Sounds like he definitely likes you. Do you go out for drinks as a group after work?

DameSquashalot · 13/08/2018 06:15

Ignore me. I hadn't refreshed since last night and the conversation has moved on quite far!

laurzj82 · 13/08/2018 06:54

I know you can't add him but ask him to add you? "You know xyz you were talking about the other day? I saw abc on Facebook. Are you on there? Send me a friend request and I'll tag you."

Mummadeeze · 13/08/2018 07:14

I do find quite a few guys (who I know are married) at work are pretty ‘flirty’ or possibly just very friendly at work. We definitely have banter and intimate, deep conversations. It can be a bit confusing but I have learnt that it is partly my fault (because I am very open and over share easily) and partly them just making work more fun for themselves and indulging in a bit of attention seeking. None of those relationships have ever become inappropriate but it is hard to tell the difference between that and genuine attraction to be honest. I hope there is a real connection between you guys though and that you are reading the signals correctly. When he leaves, you can be more direct and ask him out. I wouldn’t before that point because it will inevitably be a bit awkward if he knocks you back. Enjoying the flirting is fun though for now anyway! Good luck.

pinkgirl1234 · 13/08/2018 07:22

Get Bluntness100 to ask him if he fancies you. 🤣

emma2939 · 13/08/2018 07:57

i wouldn't do anything just yet, I would carry on how you are and see if he says anything in his questions that starts to convince you more if he genuinely likes u or is just being friendly..... if your unsure I would be too nervous to put myself out there for fear of rejection, you asked him for lunch, it hasn't happened so if he is interested I would wait for him to make a move now, he should be fine to suggest something as u have already done so in the past, good luck and keep us updated would love to know the outcome!

RoboticSealpup · 13/08/2018 10:19

The overall impression doesn't sound too encouraging, tbh. Some people are just really charming and good at making others feel special and 'seen'. Before DH, I ran into a few of these. I generally think that men have been socialised into thinking it's up to them to make the first move, so when they don't, I think that can usually be interpreted as lack of interest on their part. You've already tried with the lunch thing and he didn't rearrange. I think you've done what you can for now.

I cringe a bit when I think back at flirting like crazy with one of these charmers many years ago

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 13/08/2018 11:03

If it was me, I’d carry on making opportunities, but not actually asking him out (let him do that so you know if he is interested).

For example, you know the town/suburb he lives in. Do they have some kind of market on a Saturday morning? Or town event that people come to see (eg: my place has Farmer’s markets, and a Fire Pit dinner next week). I’d arrange to meet one of my girlfriends at the event, and then next time he asks “what are you doing at the weekend? You get to tell him, and follow with, oh, is that near where you live? (Or hopefully he will say it himself). Follow with, great! You’ll be able to tell me where to get good coffee then! I can’t do a farmer’s market until i’ve had at least one!

He either then offers to meet you for coffee/lunch, and you’ve got to exchange mobile numbers (so you can find each other) and taking the relationship (friend or otherwise) outside work OR he just says, have a great time! And you know he’s not interested.

Even if he’s too shy to ask, he could still do the bump-into-you-thing there....

This scenario gives maximum opportunities to work, but also heaps of escape routes and face saving chances.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 13/08/2018 11:04

—I may or may not be using it on someone for the fire pit dinner next week—

catlady34 · 13/08/2018 11:19

I think cooling off would be the way to go, hopefully that would be the boot up the arse he needs to actually ask you out. Though if you work together a lot perhaps he doesn't want to risk something going wrong and making work awkward. Also see if he has instagram? To check for a girlfriend.

RoboticSealpup · 13/08/2018 13:02

FollowYourOwnNorthStar

I don't think he's going to suggest meeting up if she tells him she's going there with a friend!

MyOtherProfile · 13/08/2018 13:19

I would definitely casually ask him if he is with someone.

thenorthernluce · 13/08/2018 13:27

Looking at this with the filter of my own experience, I think he’s not single but likes to give the impression he is so he can flirt with pretty colleagues at work. I would bet money on him only telling you about his girlfriend in the moment after you ask him out, so don’t do it! He’ll be loving the ego boost and control, you’ll be cringing and feeling disappointed. I speak from bitter experience!

CrispsAndDip · 13/08/2018 13:27

I would just ask him if he is in a relationship. This way you get yur answer and indicates to him you are interested without you asking him out.

This may spur on a conversation about dating etc

Shambu · 13/08/2018 13:34

If you want to know if he has a gf just ask him. It doesn't have to be straight out but something like "what does your gf think of your socks" Or "does your gf mind you working weekends" etc.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 13/08/2018 13:39

Even if he is single it doesn't mean that he wants a relationship with the OP. Sorry OP. Conversely, even if he has a partner they may break up any time. So it all boils down to his interest.

PopeyeandOliveOil · 13/08/2018 13:42

.

ianbealesonwheels · 13/08/2018 14:38

I would just casually browse fb on my phone when he is with you. Then ask him if he is on it. If he says no that tells you z lot. If he says yes search for him, then say it won’t let me add you. See what he says. Also if you both work late and he drives home. Could you engineer an excuse to need a lift home from him one day? I have a feeling he is married but fingers crossed

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