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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the guy I fancy at work fancies me too?

162 replies

NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 19:50

Please can you help me to interpret these signs! I'm normally quite forthright and have been the one to initiate the 'I like you' chat with a couple of guys in the past, only to have been knocked back. So now I want him to be the one who makes the first move, if indeed he is interested.

Just for background, we both do busy intense jobs. He is more senior than me but not what you would call my boss.

So, we met at work last October and although I didn't find him attractive initially (consciously), I was sure I had met him before and said this to him. And he said he felt exactly the same.

Since then we have become what I would say is close. We have worked long shifts together when it has just been the two of us for a few days in a row. We have had lots of intimate chats and I feel like we have got very close very quickly.

For context, he went to a single sex school and has 2 brothers. He is the eldest. He has referred to a couple of female friends who are in relationships.

We didn't see each other for 3 weeks and during that time apart I realised how strongly I felt about him. When we met again at work the rapport and banter was straight back to where it was before - i.e., close, intimate chats.

He teases me sometimes and thinks about me when we're apart to the extent that he reflects on our conversations and will bring things up again from previous chats.

But, his pupils don't dilate when he sees me. I'm sure mine are great big saucers!

He is always complimenting me on how nice and kind I am, etc.

Do you think he likes me?

I should add that we're in our mid to late 30s so this is not a teen crush!

Any thoughts or insight into the male brain is desperately sought please! Thanks.

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Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 21:52

I don't think he's blocked me Bluntness100. Not unless he did so before I ever looked him up, which seems unlikely as I looked him up months ago, before our recent chats.

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Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 21:54

HabbyHadno I like your idea of going cold to reel him in but I'm also wary as I feel totally myself and at ease with him. He seems very straightforward and not a game player generally so I don't want to manipulate him.

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Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 21:55

Wow! TheVanguardSix. My heart just skipped a beat!

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Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 21:56

Ha! Bluntness100, I do know the town.

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Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 21:58

cunningartificer, you're right of course. I feel like it would be nice to slowly reveal all of my finer points over a long period and get him hooked. I will try that. Play the long game.

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PennyDreadfull · 12/08/2018 21:59

I see your point... I don't think he's blocked you otherwise you wouldn't be able to view his profile.
But can you not just casually drop it into conversation "hey I was on FB last night.. etc etc.. So are you on Facebook? Can I add you?"

If you don't want to go down that route then just sit back a bit... But be prepared for the possibility that he may already be in a relationship and is keeping it a bit quiet!

shrumps · 12/08/2018 21:59

Sounds like he's got a girlfriend to me, and enjoying a flirt at work. I'd move on if I were you. Work relationships are never a good idea, anyway.

Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 22:01

Can I just ask, do new straight male friends really ask such deep and probing questions? I mean the genuine friends ones. The male friends that I have had over the years wouldn't get that deep that quickly. I don't know half the stuff that I know about this guy in my male friends. But maybe I haven't met this personality type before.

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Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 22:03

Let's say that I find out he has a girlfriend. Obviously I will back right off. Do these situations ever have a way of working themselves out or am I in a fantasy land?

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Shambu · 12/08/2018 22:03

Some of my male friends, yeah. Depends on their personality.

Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 22:05

Shambu, that's interesting to know.

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CholloDeNombre · 12/08/2018 22:05

A man who is already involved with a woman and is still stringing along a colleague at work wouldn't be someone for me.

I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend op but I agree with the idea of cooling off a bit to test his affection.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2018 22:06

I'm not sure it's fair to say he's stringing the op along ,,,

Carrotmama · 12/08/2018 22:12

Keep friendly but don't go ott and play the long game!

Good luck! X

Beautifulblue · 12/08/2018 22:18

Definitely play the long game. You'll be glad you did if this all goes tits up (which it might not!) love (or lust) is temporary but pride is forever right? Don't play games e.g - being cold to see his reaction or what ever. You're enjoying his company so just keep on enjoying it! I would try & very casually try & found out if he has a girlfriend though. Someone above had a clever way ^ something along the lines of 'so you've never mentioned your significant other, I presume they exist? Smile' patience is key OP!! Patience is key!

CholloDeNombre · 12/08/2018 22:24

Yes probably Bluntness. Feeling grumpy tonight!

itsBritneyBeach · 12/08/2018 22:25

You say he's moving to another company soon - keep it casual until then and if things still aren't clear just lay your cards on the table. And if it goes wrong, you never have to see him againGrin

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2018 22:26

Well we all have nights like that chollo 🤣

To be fair to the guy other than a couple of dodgy comments, he has done nothing but be friendly, he's declined lunch, and not reorganised. Even the ops not sure he's flirting,,hence the thread.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 12/08/2018 22:28

Do you ever ask him the same questions about what he is doing/did at the weekend, or on an evening? If so, what does he say?

If not, ask him! Find out how he spends his time.

Sparklesocks · 12/08/2018 22:31

I think it’s not always easy to tell, work can be a bit tedious at times and some people flirt to pass the time, or have a bit of fun. It might be that they are genuinely interested in that person, or just that they enjoy having a bit of fun with them at work but aren’t necessarily interested in pursuing something outside of an office flirtation.

I think the only way to tell is continuing to test the water about meeting outside of work.

Poptart4 · 12/08/2018 22:32

I know a lot of men who like to flirt. To them its just banter or an ego stroke. It doesn't necessarily mean they want a relationship.

Its soo hard to tell if he genuinely likes you or is just having abit of flirty, go nowhere, fun.

I don't see how asking you what your doing over the weekend or on your day off is a deep probing question?? This would be general chit chat in my office. I think your reading way to much into that to be fair.

Really if he's confident enough to flirt with you then hes confident enough to ask you out. When he had to cancel lunch for a meeting that was his perfect moment to ask you out on another lunch or maybe a drink after work 'to make it up to you'. But he didn't which makes me think maybe hes just not that into you.

I would step back and see if he makes a move.

Sorry im not trying to be a negative nancy, i just know how it feels to put yourself out there only to be knocked back.

BigPinkBall · 12/08/2018 22:45

Honestly, what you’re describing doesn’t sound like “deep and probing” questions to me, it sounds like normal colleague conversation to be honest, especially if you’re the only people in the room then you’re not likely to sit in silence for 8+ hours a day. He could just be being friendly or he could fancy you like mad or he could hate working with you and just be making the best of a bad situation, it sounds like you’re building it up to be something it’s not.

If he’s leaving soon and he likes you then he will give you some sort of signal, be that adding you on social media or asking you out but if you don’t want to make the first move then you’ll have to sit and wait, but please don’t make a fool of yourself in front of your colleagues.

Botanicbaby · 12/08/2018 22:54

You definitely need to dial it back a bit. How can he have asked you deep & probing questions and you don’t even know if he’s attached?

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, try not to read too much into things. If he likes you in that way, you’ll know about it & certainly before he moves jobs. It all sounds a bit too intense right now.

Stepmum3 · 12/08/2018 22:59

Hi,

On fb you can set your friend requests to only being sent from friends of friends. So if you know someone who is a fb friend maybe add them so you can befriend him.

Very intrigued to see how you get on. X

Original poster
NightsInWhiteSatin · 12/08/2018 23:07

I haven't gone into details about the deep and probing questions because I'm paranoid that he might recognise himself on here. Ridiculous I know.

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