Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

[papercoversrock]

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

I don’t think op is coming back, as she is being told things she doesn’t want to hear

He's definitely done it before. People don't get caught the first time they do things.

He had sex with you without your consent. That is rape

Nope. That's not what happened. Sure, what he did was bad, but let's not turn this into something it wasn't.

Sorry, I see that I've cross posted there, and that this point has been cleared up.

Knowing AIBU I'll wake up to a bunch of scholars telling me I'm evil smile I do appreciate all advice and support so far. Xxx

You don't seem to be taking this seriously, because I read the above as a gentle pisstake of the ppl trying to give you advice. You don't seem to object greatly to the filming. So why do you need the space? And why, when he's supposed not to be an engaged parent, didn't you insist on keeping your son during the space? What's the result of the space going to be?

None of it seems to really bother you so what's the AIBU exactly?

What was he planning to do with this footage? That he didn't tell you about.

How do you know about it this time ? How can you believe he hasn't / won't do it again ?

Would you like it if your family found it on YouTube ? Your son when he's older ?

If she was asleep in a tent with his parents how did he video her. It's horrible. What a nasty man

NotasGreenasCabbageLooking, you seriously need to shut the FUCK UP with your minimising and mitigating and generally trying to make out that a sexual assault isn't as bad as women think it is.

I’m of the opinion that most blokes would want to do this.

Why did you feel the need to say this? Why do you think it is relevant?

I will tell you why - because you think that if men like it, that makes it less sick, less revolting, less utterly unacceptable. Fuck you and the horse you slimed in on.

Yes, I have read all the posts from you on here, absurdly trying to justify your position because you haven't got the scrotes to simply up and say 'filming women having sex without their knowledge or consent is assault', without adding various qualifiers. You think you're original? You think this kind of gutless, snivelling whinging is new to us? Do you think perhaps we're angry because we're SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT? So fucking tired of being assaulted and then having it explained to us why we're wrong about it?

If you really do care about the OP, if you really do care about women being assaulted, if you really do want to help solve this problem then do all of us a favour and FUCK. OFF. FOREVER.

Carry on cherry picking the lines that enforce your belief that I am definitely ok with control, manipulation and sexual abuse though

Well according to you, it's merely something that 'most blokes would want to do' and can be described as 'a bit naughty' and 'he just wanted a video for himself' and it's ok because 'he thought you'd say no'

Look at yourself, for fuck's sake. You can keep protesting that you're not justifying or minimising assault but that doesn't mean you haven't, in fact, been justifying or minimising assault.

Attitudes like yours are precisely why women like OP actually have to ask total strangers on the internet whether they're justified in being upset over their abuse. If everyone is outraged by what you've said, then can you grasp that maybe, just maybe, it's because you've said something out-fucking-rageous? And maybe it's not because we actually give a sun blushed shit about you, but about all the assaults and abuses you're glossing over with 'blokes like it' and 'he thought you'd say no so he just did it anyway' and everything else?

You are sickening.

Whats happened to that poor lady. I feel so sorry for her.

You husband is abusive and your blinded by love and loyalty to his family. Either get counselling or divorce him

@AynRandTheObjectivist

Perhaps go and have a lie down eh?

Perhaps go and have a lie down eh?

Or you could stop minimising a man not respecting his wife and having no consideration for consent during sex?

Just a thought.

Ok, so we now have:

• assault is not as bad as women think it is
• it's ok if men like it
• women who disagree with that are hysterical and need to calm down

Do we have Shithead Bingo? House?

On a side note, do tell me, because I'm curious - what's it like being the biggest walking cliche in the world? Do you get bored of seeing yourself reflected absolutely everywhere (I know I am), or does it make you feel special?

No one agrees with you NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking

Perhaps you’re utterly wrong about this hmm?

Agree with Ayn

Cabbage you need to pipe down

I don’t think I am minimising... I’ve not once said I think it’s ok, and a lot of the stuff you are getting apoplectic about has been wildly exaggerated in your own mind.

What I have actually said is without knowing the OPs partner it’s impossible to say if this has been a malicious act or a one off act of stupidity (not ok in either instance, but there is still a massive difference) and also that I think his actions after the event would concern me more.

I think you are having a bit of an over reaction to my posts tbh. Fine if you disagree, that’s what life’s all about, but you’ve gone just slightly overboard imo.

Maybe I am wrong, I’ve not said ‘everyone quiet, I am correct’.

I’ve also not descended into name calling, or said the DH is faultless 🤷🏻‍♀️

Everyone has an opinion but I think we all agree he was wrong. Nothing can justify his actions.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking

You have minimised it. Trust between sexual partners is the most incredibly important part of any sexual relationship. To have that breached and then for him not to even attempt to understand is concerning.

It is an invasion of privacy and his lack of respect for the woman he professes to love is awful.

So not ranting, or anything else you’d care to say, just stating a fact.

He probably thought you'd say no...

This was you, no?

No one agrees with you NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking

Well actually, on the contrary, outside of MN he will find a whole world of people agreeing with him. He is basically 100000000000 people. He's like the theatrical poster for Being John Malkovich. His stinking attitude is everywhere, which is how we all knew, 100% certainty, that his next move was going to be 'calm down dear'.

They're all the fucking same. They're clones. They're drones. They're amoebas. They're worse than Daily Mail journalists, who are at least able to surprise us sometimes.

He thinks he's original. He honestly thinks we won't encounter this attitude very much and he honestly thought that 'calm down dear' was going to be a zinger move that we never saw coming. He thinks that because his attitude is repellant and disgusting, it can't at the same time be utterly BORING.

Cabbage, your attitude is revolting, but even apart from all that, it's fucking OVERDONE and MN is one of the few places where we might - just might - not have to encounter it.

If you won't shut up for the sake of sexual assault victims (and we know you won't), then shut up for the sake of not being a dancing Being John Malkovich mask. Shut up for the sake of not being yet another fucking drone. Shut up because you bore the ever living shit out of everybody.

@Jupiter9

I agree, he was definitely in the wrong.

I’ve not once said I think it’s ok

YES YOU HAVE.

This is EXACTLY what you say when you try to minimise it by saying 'most blokes would like it' or describe it as merely 'a bit naughty' and then, Bog help us all, say that the poor lamb did it because 'he thought you'd say no'.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT MEN SHOULD DO IF THEY THINK A WOMAN WILL SAY NO?

What I have actually said is without knowing the OPs partner it’s impossible to say if this has been a malicious act or a one off act of stupidity (not ok in either instance, but there is still a massive difference) and also that I think his actions after the event would concern me more.

How could it be ‘stupidity’ if it was done secretly? That takes some forethought and planning, right?

Unless you genuinely think he filmed it accidentally? Nobody is stupid enough to believe that, surely.