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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

459 replies

papercoversrock · 12/08/2018 04:05

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

OP posts:
WittyFuck · 12/08/2018 14:12

Under no circumstances would he be taking my baby away with him. I would be very fucking suspicious of him deciding he wanted sole care after two years. Why? Just to be in control.....or other reasons? Can you trust him anymore?........really?

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 14:12

DO YOU KNOW WHAT MEN SHOULD DO IF THEY THINK A WOMAN WILL SAY NO?

Since the answer is likely to be no, I’ll answer.

The answer is not do whatever it is they wanted to do, without consent (and not asking is bypassing consent)

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 12/08/2018 14:13

I’m only responding to people aiming comments at me, I posted once with my views and had no need to post again, except to respond to queries and name calling.

TheStoic · 12/08/2018 14:14

I’m only responding to people aiming comments at me, I posted once with my views and had no need to post again, except to respond to queries and name calling.

So do you think the filming was accidental, or planned?

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 14:15

I’m of the opinion that most blokes would want to do this... it’s a bit naughty, he thought you’d say no and he just wanted a video for himself.

Your words Cabbage, you claim not to have minimised and not to have said its ok.

This comment belies both of those statements.

Can you honestly not understand why some of us are so angry?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 12/08/2018 14:15

Since the answer is likely to be no, I’ll answer. The answer is not do whatever it is they wanted to do, without consent (and not asking is bypassing consent)

Yes!

DING DING!

YeTalkShiteHen has it! (As well as the best username going at the moment.)

Are you listening, CabbagesInManure or whatever the fuck your name is? Rather than pulling the old 'oh I am being so reasonable among you hens clucking about sexual assault as if it's an emotive and important topic' bollocks (we knew that was coming too! You are a John Malkovich mask! There is nothing you can do that we haven't seen a billion times!).

If you think a woman will say no, you simply do not do it! Or you ask first and then abide by whatever she says!

Tough concept, I know!

Jupiter9 · 12/08/2018 14:17

I think cabbage is agreeing it was wrong. But the lady has disappeared now so we all want to wish her good luck.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 12/08/2018 14:18

@TheStoic

Planned, clearly.

When I posted that he thought the op would say no, etc. I meant those as the reasons he would justify as... ie. he’s not necessarily thinking about posting them anywhere, or sharing them etc. He has breached trust massively.. and I’ve not said otherwise. But what would have me more concerned (if I were the op) is that he cannot see after the fact that he was wrong.

A moment of stupidity (his phone was there, he didn’t think she’d mind that much, etc.) doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be able to see after the event and being made to think clearly that it was entirely wrong.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 12/08/2018 14:20

Cabbage was only agreeing that it was wrong so that he could land a justification of why it wasn't really as wrong as women think it is (i.e., because men like it). It was lip service and nothing more.

NotMyFinestMoment · 12/08/2018 14:20

Another question is who else did he video whilst away.

TheStoic · 12/08/2018 14:24

A moment of stupidity (his phone was there, he didn’t think she’d mind that much, etc.) doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be able to see after the event and being made to think clearly that it was entirely wrong.

  1. I want to film us having sex
  2. I don’t think she will go for it
  3. I’m going to do it anyway
  4. I’ll have to find a spot for the phone/camera
  5. Let’s have sex!
  6. Ok let’s check out the footage
  7. Yep, that’s a keeper
  8. (Well, who knows?)

Quite a few ‘moments of stupidity’. Poor, silly man.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 14:25

TheStoic sums it up I think.

Cabbage it was the “moment of stupidity” which annoyed me too, because as TheStoic shows, it’s not a moment is it? It’s a thought process absolutely disregarding his partner’s wishes and feelings.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 12/08/2018 14:28

It's a 'moment of stupidity', it's 'a bit naughty', but Cabbages isn't minimising anything, oh no!

TeddybearBaby · 12/08/2018 14:28

Cabbage I know what you’re trying to say. I’d stop bothering to defend yourself now and enjoy your Sunday x

Whatthefoxgoingon · 12/08/2018 14:28

I meant no one on this thread was agreeing with cabbage aynrand I’m well aware many misogynists and assorted dickheads in the world think this way.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 12/08/2018 14:30

Well I spoke too soon I see....

AynRandTheObjectivist · 12/08/2018 14:31

We all know exactly what Cabbage was trying to say. He was pretty darn clear about it.

I will second the 'stop trying to justify it and feck off' message though.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 12/08/2018 14:34

If it was a planned camera set up, then yes... that’d be entirely different. I’d assumed it was more of a ‘spur of the moment’ thing.

Again, absolutely wrong... but not preplanned as such. Maybe he didn’t film it all, maybe he hasn’t reviewed it etc. Again... I am not saying any of these scenarios are ok in the slightest, I just think there are varying degrees of wrongness. And without knowing what actually happened it’s hard to immediately condemn him as the lowest of the low. Wrong - absolutely. But absolute scum of the earth?

TheStoic · 12/08/2018 14:36

If it was a planned camera set up, then yes... that’d be entirely different. I’d assumed it was more of a ‘spur of the moment’ thing.

How could it be spur of the moment, if his wife didn’t know it was happening?

chopsychopsy · 12/08/2018 14:38

Fuck off defending a sex offender, Cabbage

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 14:39

Again, absolutely wrong... but not preplanned as such. Maybe he didn’t film it all, maybe he hasn’t reviewed it etc. Again... I am not saying any of these scenarios are ok in the slightest, I just think there are varying degrees of wrongness. And without knowing what actually happened it’s hard to immediately condemn him as the lowest of the low. Wrong - absolutely. But absolute scum of the earth?

I’m actually quite angry and upset that there are people who consider consent to be subjective.

It is not.

For each and every sexual act between partners consent must be obtained. It really is that simple.

FlyByNightStar · 12/08/2018 14:39

@NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking no maybe not absolute scum of the earth, but low enough to be arrested and charged with sexual assault!

FlyByNightStar · 12/08/2018 14:40

@NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking pressed post too soon!

EUNG HER HUSBAND DOES NOT MEAN ITS NOT SEXUAL ASSAULT....GET IT?

NothingOnTellyAgain · 12/08/2018 14:43

Women aren't allowed to get upset / angry at things men do to them, until they have given full and open consideration to the excuses the man makes for the reasons that they did them, is what I'm hearing from cabbages.

No, women are always being told to put men first and consider how things will affect them, when it is them who have unequivocally done something wrong. The demand that women listen to excuses / think of the impact on the poor chap etc stems from an utter and unshakable sense of male entitlement that starts very young. So many young men when caught doing something wrong will immediately say they were "made" to do it / it's not fair etc etc and this gets trotted out on into adulthood when they are caught.

The one thing I have learnt is that when caught men ALWAYS ALWAYS lie lie lie and minimise. Why should we listen to their pitiful excuses espcially over something as massive as violation of sexual boundaries.

BiscuitMachine · 12/08/2018 14:45

I’ve been following this thread with concern for the OP, but really with the vitriol and name calling that has developed she’s pretty much guaranteed to stay away. I’m all for civilised debate, but this isn’t it. She was looking, I think, for a little support and advice.