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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

459 replies

papercoversrock · 12/08/2018 04:05

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

OP posts:
WeWantJustice · 12/08/2018 11:52

It could have been a lot worse.

Yes, it could, Women are expected to be so grateful that the acts of abuse by the men they live with, aren't a lot worse.

I’m of the opinion that most blokes would want to do this

We've got to be grateful that the abusers we live with aren't as awful as they could be, because "most blokes" are apparently abusive

I cannot believe how low some women's opinion of men is.

I also cannot understand why those same women, who appear to think that most men are abusers, urge other women to carry on livng with those abusers.

It is bizarre.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 12/08/2018 11:52

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

Doesn’t mention rape just the videoing, the DH is asleep, she says she doesn’t consent to the video.

Jupiter9 · 12/08/2018 11:55

She must of been sleeping not to of seen him surely. He's a vile specimen of a man.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 12/08/2018 11:59

I am not sure how you would film it as you would either have to hold the phone or maybe it was positioned on a stand on a cupboard but if she was asleep surely she would have said

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 12:02

OP having read your original question again.

YANBU.

NapQueen · 12/08/2018 12:02

Oh sorry I got a bit confused and read it as op was asleep (at the time), rather than dh was asleep (at the time of posting). Sorry

timeisnotaline · 12/08/2018 12:04

Just read the thread people. She wasn’t asleep, she thought she was having consensual private sex with her dh. She wasn’t , he was filming it without her consent.

Op, you need to think about this more. Your dhs reaction since you found out has been particularly shit. He isn’t grateful you kept the peace for his family, he isn’t remorseful, he is controlling and vindictive and taking your ds away, when what he has done is committed a crime against you, and you don’t know how many times this has happened or where the videos have gone.
If you think ds would love the camping trip, let them go but have things packed and take ds to your parents the day they return, do your stay then. It sounds like the extra time apart is needed.

Jupiter9 · 12/08/2018 12:07

Does anyone else let their partner text or make a call whilst making love. If so they could be making a video. Ban the phone from the bedroom to stop these perverts.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 12/08/2018 12:10

This filming must have happened before, he surely wouldn’t choose a time at his parents house to do this the first time. It’s just the first time he was caught, OP needs to check there is nothing set up at home like a webcam

WeWantJustice · 12/08/2018 12:14

The mentality of LTB gets to me a bit on here. It’s like no one wants to see anything resolved... it makes me a little sad to see numerous women railroaded into thinking their whole relationship may have been a lie, when it’s often likely not the case.

I haven't been around much on MN recently, so I'm not sure if my impression is wrong, but I fundamentally disagree with this. The default for women, is to be told that they have to struggle on and save their relationship, however shit it is and however little the man in that relationship seems to be making an effort to save it. Everyone in their RL will probably be saying or implying such. Everything they've ever heard since childhood, will be telling them that it's their job to keep fighting for their relationship. Everything in our culture, music, films, books, media etc., tells women that it's their job to nurture and save relationships and that they shouldn't expect men to care as much.

For many women, Mumsnet is the only place they will hear a different message: that they don't have to accept any old shit in their relationship, that they don't have to take on the lonely, fruitless sisyphean task of trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You cannot make a healthy, functional relationship with an abusive, entitled man who does not respect you. And you cannot make an entitled abuser into a decent, respectful loving man - he has to want to be that man and do the work to be that man, by himself, for himself, not for you. If he doesn't want to do it, then you have every right to give up on him and your relationship. This is the one place where many women will be given the permission, to do that. No wonder men's rights group target it so consistently.

As for women being railroaded, I simply don't believe that happens. To stand up against every other message you've ever heard, isn't something that a bunch of randoms on the internet who you don't know, would have the power to make you do IMO. All they can do, is give you "permission" to do what your gut is trying to override your conditioning to do. I think to imagine women being railroaded by the internet enough to override everything in their real life, is to attribute it too much power.

Gabilan · 12/08/2018 12:17

Ban the phone from the bedroom to stop these perverts

If you need to ban the phone to be sure you're not being filmed, you're with the wrong man. Plus, it wouldn't work. Too many other ways to film someone, if that's what they want to do.

QuizzlyBear · 12/08/2018 12:18

OP, I can directly relate. My (otherwise pretty great) DH did this to me a few years ago and I only found out when scrolling through holiday photos of our kids on his phone.

The invasion of my privacy and complete disregard for my personal boundaries made me feel sick to my stomach and I was furious with him. I made it very clear at the time I found out how horrified I was and (coincidentally) refused to go on a weekend away with my in-laws the following day as I didn't think I could hold it together, sending him off with the kids with whatever excuse he wanted to give. I think the strength of my reaction might be why he realised what a big deal it was and he apologised non-stop. Perhaps your DH thought he'd 'got away with it' as you were forced not to react naturally?

TBF, I believe that my DH hadn't realised how violated it would make me feel. It took me months to trust him again though and it was the closest I've come to leaving him as I felt sick at what he did. Thanks for you, OP...

Jupiter9 · 12/08/2018 12:19

I thought it happened in a tent.

NotMyFinestMoment · 12/08/2018 12:21

For me personally, this would be a deal breaker and the end of my marriage. He's gone too far. Major breach of privacy and red flag. Additionally, you've found out about one video. Where are the rest of them and what has he done with them (I think you can be reasonably certain, that is not the only one and there will be more (it's the only one you've found out about). Are they floating about on the net somewhere uploaded and shared on porn channels/swingers websites, etc. I would check his emails and hard drives/Google drive/cloud storage/usb keys and any old computers plus email accounts, etc. for the duration of time you've been together.

Saffy60 · 12/08/2018 12:25

It doesn't have to be a phone you can get SPY cameras in light bulbs photo frames, pens, creepiest of ALL bedside alarm clocks...look on AMAZON!!!

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 12:25

If you need to ban the phone to be sure you're not being filmed, you're with the wrong man

Absolutely this. Trust is vital in any intimate relationship.

Livinglavidal0ca · 12/08/2018 12:28

Something similar happened to me. Was upset at the time and kind of brushed it under the carpet. 2 years later it still comes into my head and makes me feel more and more sick every time it does.
I’m thinking about going and getting some counselling for it and really thinking the whole thing through with some help.

Deadringer · 12/08/2018 12:38

You really need to know why he did this and why he thought it was ok. I can't understand why he didn't explain his reasoning instead of just apologizing. I would expect him to say something like, I did it just for fun, was going to show you before deleting, thought you would like it, whatever. (Not excusing his behaviour). He did none of these things which to me is very suspicious. I agree with pp I think it's very likely that he has a camera set up at home and used the phone because you were away. Could you use the time while he is gone to look for evidence of a hidden camera or other evidence. The very least he can do imo is give you access to his phone/laptop to prove to you that he hasn't uploaded it or whatever. If he doesn't his apology is meaningless.

Snomade · 12/08/2018 12:46

OP, did you search his entire phone?
My suspicion is that him silently leaving the room for 5 minutes after you confronted him, is to enable him to delete further evidence from his phone. You may not know the half of it.

So sorry to hear that this is happening to you, it must be a huge shock. It is abuse and it is unforgivable.

bellinisurge · 12/08/2018 12:47

Look in the bathroom for a recording device. If he thinks it's fine to surreptitiously film you shagging he may also have the same views about filming you pissing and shitting. And any kids. Or other visitors.
Apologies for the blunt language but what part of this is decorous?

thethoughtfox · 12/08/2018 12:50

Tell him you know he has done this before and to disclose everything or you will have to go to the police who will need to visit his parents' house. You do have this bit of leverage. he will not want his parents to know about this.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 12/08/2018 12:50

He hasn't got an opportunity to go home before you has he, to dismantle anything he may have set up under the pretence of going camping with DS

thethoughtfox · 12/08/2018 12:53

You may want to contact 101 and ask the police to check your bedroom for hidden devices while he is away.

Eliza9917 · 12/08/2018 12:53

If wonder how many times he's done this before,and what he's done with the videos.

There are loads of amaetur porn/my wife porn sites.

That would be my concern.

NewUserNameTime · 12/08/2018 13:01

I think it's really disturbing that he did that secretly. Also worrying that he doesn't understand why you are upset.

What were his plans with the video?

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