Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

[papercoversrock]

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

He absolutely violated your trust. You were at your most exposed and vulnerable and he filmed it. Honestly that level of breach of trust would poison my relationship.
He is now trying to control how you react and minimise your feelings. That is not the behaviour of a loving husband who made a mistake. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is a boundary pusher who tries to manipulate you into doing what he wants and once you’ve done it once then that becomes the new normal.
If he was truely sorry then he would recognise that you are upset and need time to work out your feelings. Instead he is trying to control the situation and your reaction - you know him better than anyone, why do you think he is doing that?

Is no one reading my posts in full or am I just writing them wrong?

At no time have I said filming without consent is ok, in fact I’ve said several times it is wrong.

What I have said is that the OPs DH is wrong and stupid... but not necessarily malicious and evil.

I have not once said this is not a problem, but in my opinion his actions after the event would make me more angry that the initial incident.

Carry on cherry picking the lines that enforce your belief that I am definitely ok with control, manipulation and sexual abuse though 🤷🏻‍♀️

The reality is that people need time to get their heads around this kind of thing. There is no point getting frustrated with the OP because she’s not packing his bags this second.

OP I have a few questions -

How exactly did he film you - on his phone? Is it a clear video and how did he manage it without you knowing, especially in someone else’s house?

How did you discover the video?

Do you know whether he watches porn? Is he open about this?

You don’t mention anything about trying to find out what the purpose of this video was? That’s the first thing I would demand to know.

If he can’t be honest with you as to the purpose of the video, then I’m not sure where you can go from here. Was he going to share it online on some kind of “amateur wives” forum. Or maybe blur the faces and send it to a porn website? He can’t just say, “Sorry”, but offer no explanation. This is bizarre.

I understand you not wanting to divorce, but I think you need to stand your ground here. Take your child and go to your parents and do not let him tell you you can't. Either tell him to his face or leave a strongly worded letter telling him exactly what he did, how it was wrong and how it made you feel and think deeply about what you really want long term and if you can trust him after this.

NotasGreenas I'm reading your posts in full and disagreeing with them. I'm not quoting them in full as that would be lengthy. The bit I've quoted gets to the heart of the issue. You do then go on to say consent is necessary, yes. However, you still seem to think that most men would want a video and that therefore this man decided it was OK to have a video, and not ask in case he got knocked back. You're then saying this could be wrong and stupid rather than malicious and evil.

What people are trying to point out to you is that not asking for consent, for whatever reason, is far more than just stupid. It gets to the heart of many issues about respect, consent and enjoyment. It reveals some really rather nasty attitudes which are reiterated in the OP's husband's subsequent response. As PP have said, he's saying it is not OK for her to take their son away, but it is fine for him to do so. This is not a man who values his wife's opinion or needs. He doesn't seem to think he needs her consent for anything much.

Nothing to add expect that I agree with everyone saying he is a vile sex offender and I’d never stay married to one. He’s definitely filmed you before, his reaction confirms it.

I wonder if you could take his computer to the police and tell them you suspect that images of you may have been shared on porn forums / websites. Maybe they could trawel through his user history and confirm what he’s actually up to? Maybe call the police and ask for advice?

@Gabilan I get that, and I do kind of agree... but I also think that in some cases, it may just be pure stupidity. Most cases it will be a case of no respect (of women, of boundaries.. etc) but we don’t know. Only the OP is equipped to judge this.

The mentality of LTB gets to me a bit on here. It’s like no one wants to see anything resolved... it makes me a little sad to see numerous women railroaded into thinking their whole relationship may have been a lie, when it’s often likely not the case.

What a dirty man! You need to divorce him. Who the hell does that? And without YOUR consent!

I would definitely take this matter to the police. You do not have to prosecute if you don't want to, but what if he's done this to other women who DO want to prosecute - don't you think they deserve to see their sex offender do time?
Also, as said above, the police can check his laptop, phone etc to see if he uploaded this film (or any other he may have taken) to porn sites etc.
Personally, knowing whether my sexual exploits were online for all to see against my wishes would bè my primary concern here, not his feelings, nor my marriage.

The first question I would ask, and not be satisfied until I had an exhaustive answer, is what for. Are photos or videos anywhere outside your control.

There is a world of difference between a kink he felt too ashamed to mention and for instance uploading this thing or sending it to other people. You need to communicate about this in an adult context. A lot of men will tell the truth one way or another if the conversation is long enough. I wouldn't mention the police until after that, quite the opposite in fact.

The mentality of LTB gets to me a bit on here. It’s like no one wants to see anything resolved... it makes me a little sad to see numerous women railroaded into thinking their whole relationship may have been a lie, when it’s often likely not the case

I agree that sometimes the LTB phrase is chucked around too lightly on here. In this instance I don’t believe it is.

Lack of respect for the consent of your partner during sex is not ok. Ever.

Only the OP is equipped to judge this.

Unfortunately, she may not be. I know when I was with someone who was basically just not good for me (not abusive, just not someone I should have been with) friends saw it long before I did. I think this isn't uncommon. It's often easier to see more clearly when you're outside something than when you're in the thick of it, particularly if the partner actually is manipulative.

I get what you're saying about the LTB mentality. I know it gets bandied around a lot for things that many couples could probably work through. I'm not so sure in this case though because of the other things the OP has mentioned. Basically I do think this man sounds abusive and I do think the OP would be better off without him.

BUT, I think LTB or "oh I'd divorce him straightaway" is not always helpful. The OP has a lot of thinking to do and a lot to come to terms with. Most of us don't know what we would do in this sort of situation because (thankfully) we haven't been in it. We don't know how ground down the OP is. I think she needs help to see another side to his behaviour and maybe to open her eyes to different perspectives. Then she can make her own mind up about the best course of action for her.

The mentality of LTB gets to me a bit on here. It’s like no one wants to see anything resolved...

If the one person in the world who is supposed to love and respect me did that to me there would be no resolution.

He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry.

Why on earth would you be touched by that?

You are living with a petulant schoolboy with no idea how to grow up to be a decent man, just a dirty minded sleaze.

And that's a role model for your son.

I'm just going to say that I agree with what is being said, this is a serious breach of trust, creepy sex offender, major red flag scenario but I totally get that you are struggling/don't want to see this. At the moment you are in shock/denial.

However, I just want to take all this out of the equation for a moment and consider the camping trip. I haven't read every single post although I have read all of yours, OP so I don't know whether any one else as made this point.

You mentioned about lack of parenting interest in the past 2 years so I'm guessing you DC is 2 years old.

Even without the weird stuff I would be saying a big fat no to letting your toddler go away with his Dad alone, let alone camping when he hasn't done any real solo parenting.

We took DD camping when she was 2. We thought long and hard as to whether it was appropriate and whether we could cope. Although I was the major carer, DH had still had DD alone enough to realise she was unpredictable and you needed to have eyes on her all of the time.

Can you be sure that your child will be safe? There are no doors or walls to contain or create barriers.
Is your DC used to being away from you? Are they happy to be comforted by Dad or are they going to scream the place down? Fabric gives no sound proofing.

I wouldn't have wanted to do it on my own and I would tell everyone asking whether they should take a toddler camping on their own that it is a bad idea and asking for trouble.

This is illegal for a reason. You’re hurband has committed a sex offence. Against you. Ask him how he would feel if a stranger committed the same sex offence against you.
I would not be surprised if he’s done it before and put it online.

He had sex with you without your consent. That is rape.
He filmed himself raping you. Thats evil.

OP I have not rtft so it has probably been said. If I was you I would be searching all tech high and low. I do not think this is the first time he has done this, bit risky for the first time. Tell him he is a horrible pig and he is lucky you are not calling the police and getting a divorce. Hold for now do not leave the home, search it.

In fact call the police, let the tech experts raid his stuff.

Was you asleep when your husband was using his mobile to video him making love to you. What a pervert.

Did he rape her, I thought the sex was consensual, it was the filming the OP didn’t know about.

NapQueen OP said he filmed them having sex without her consent, not that he had sex with her without her consent.

I hope you are ok OP

I also took the sex as consent not the filming. Is that right OP.

It IS sex without consent if he did not ask to film it or disclose that he intended to.