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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

459 replies

papercoversrock · 12/08/2018 04:05

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 12/08/2018 21:36

How awful for you op.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 12/08/2018 21:39

Sorry Gabilan, I was actually being flippant trying to prove that's what she may have to resort to, so it's much safer going to report it to the Police than sink to his level.

Gabilan · 12/08/2018 21:45

Ok, IsMy. Sorry I didn't pick up on the tone.

FuckCalmRhageOn · 12/08/2018 22:13

Truly hope you are ok OP. What your dh has done is the worst kind of betrayal. His behaviour sounds abhorrent imo.

From a man's perspective I've just read through this with my own DH and his response is similar to most on here. He thinks your dh has gone on the defensive only because he has been caught and that you need to seriously re evaluate your relationship. He's actually quite disgusted that anyone would think this behaviour is ok or just something to expect from men. It's not. You deserve to be respected.

Only you can decide where to go. Counselling on your own should be a step. Take the time to get perspective and hopefully see how serious this is.

A man who makes a mistake and is genuinely sorry would be on his knees thoroughly ashamed and wanting to do whatever it takes to make things right. Not manipulate the situation.

At the very least please think of the role model your dc will grow up with. Would you be so forgiving if your child, when grown,came to you with the same issue?

It's up to your dh to show you he's sorry and he can only do that if he believes he's done something wrong. You telling him is pointless. Best of luck. My thoughts are with you

CSIblonde · 12/08/2018 22:19

Filming you is a massive, massive red flag. (Corrie star did time for filming every sexual encounter he'd ever had without permission).
Think of it this way, if he thinks filming you is OK & apology was reluctant, then what the hell else is OK? I'd be looking for cameras in the bathroom etc. Creepy. Really, really, creepy.

newmumintown · 13/08/2018 09:16

How are you doing today paper? Did you get another perspective last night?

Safeandwarm · 13/08/2018 09:53

Glad that you are having some time to think and that you have your dams with you op. Flowers CakeWine

Safeandwarm · 13/08/2018 09:53

Ds*

hannnnnnnxo · 13/08/2018 10:22

Frankly what exactly are posters expecting the police to do if she wants to stay in a relationship with him?

OP, I guarantee that this isn’t the first time he’s done this.

givemesteel · 13/08/2018 12:10

OP I am going to go against the grain here.

I posted earlier but having read your update yesterday, I do actually agree with you that it is plausible that it was an one off, given that the context was completely different to normal, ie the hotel and new lingerie, then he (wrongly of course) took the consent to photo a stage too far.

I agree they way he did it suggests he's not doing this all the time, ie had the foresight to set up hidden cameras etc.

His reaction worse than the act. He did something disrespectful and violating, but in my opinion it's forgivable if he deleted it immediately and was full of remorse.

To move on he needs to apologise sincerely and work on rebuilding your trust.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 13/08/2018 12:28

Men's illegal actions are irrelevant if the woman stays in a relationship with the perpetrator?

I thought we'd moved past all that.

OK in real life I doubt the police will be interested but then they aren't for much much worse things than this and that's a problem with the police. However, for a poster on MN to esssentially say illegality is rendered nul and void if the woman doesn't leave then that's a bit dodgy I think.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/08/2018 12:36

in real life I doubt the police will be interested

IME that could well depend on what he's done with the images ...

NothingOnTellyAgain · 13/08/2018 12:38

That's good that they are sometimes interested.

Hit and miss with who you get and where you live probably.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 12:39

It is dodgy but unfortunately without a complainant they can’t press charges.

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 12:39

Although the law may be different now, and I hope that it is!

NothingOnTellyAgain · 13/08/2018 12:42

They did change it a few years back for DV and similar so that the police could pursue even if not supported by the victim/s.

I think I'm confused though - irrespective of whether she wants a relationship with him, if she reports it to the police then presuably she'd want action, and if she didn't want action she wouldn't report it. The relationship thing is neither here nor there.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/08/2018 12:56

if she reports it to the police then presumably she'd want action

You'd think so wouldn't you? But any officer experienced in DV will tell of those who seem to report "to teach him a lesson", then insist on withdrawing allegations later

I completely accept many will be traumatised and acting out of fear, but while no slavish admirer of the police in general I really wouldn't want to be a DV specialist

NothingOnTellyAgain · 13/08/2018 14:54

I love these posts about how women are usually lying Smile

Good for the police then for imprisoning a woman who falsely retracted an accusation of rape. Also for the recent story out of Wales about the police handling of DV.

Anyway this is off topic. Just the story in society that women usually lie when it's about stuff men they know have done to them drives awful attitudes that result in terrible crimes being committed / going unpuished / caught too late.

Gabilan · 13/08/2018 15:06

I agree they way he did it suggests he's not doing this all the time, ie had the foresight to set up hidden cameras etc.

Well he had the foresight to get her into a position in which she wouldn't know she was being filmed.

Original poster
papercoversrock · 14/08/2018 00:25

Thanks for your posts.
Before I left for my parents' house, DH and I had a more productive conversation. He accepted that I needed to get away for a while and simply said he didn't want me to go, rather than trying to make out that it was the wrong thing to do. No mention of That Video and no apologies I should add! I've agreed that if and when he makes proper arrangements to do something with DS, I'll drop DS off or DH can collect.
I've been busy with DS all day, had a playdate, etc. The normality of it, and the contact with friends and family feels important at the moment. I'm going to have to confront this whole thing with DH soon enough, and I want to be centred and rested when I do.
I'm at the extreme end of non-confrontational, so I'm not looking forward to it at all. I know deep down that if he's an unapologetic nob, which is a distinct possibility, I can't go back to him. But that's difficult to think about.
He's been messaging and phoning today about non-urgent stuff - making arrangements for forthcoming family events I've already committed to. At first I tolerated it, but later on he was angling to talk for longer on the basis that (I kid you not) "I just thought you might fancy a chat." I had to be quite blunt in the end, and even then he persisted with a couple of messages (which I ignored) about how quiet the house is and how lonely he feels.
Anyway, all is peaceful here now, and it's nice to be around my family. Thanks again. Night all. X

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 14/08/2018 01:14

Oh god, he can’t even respect your need for a bit of space Sad

Paper only you can decide what to do next. But the key question you have to ask yourself I guess is “can I trust him?”

Original poster
papercoversrock · 14/08/2018 03:50

Ha ha, came to mum and dad's for rest... can't sleep!

foxache I suppose what I've discovered is that I can't trust him not to make a sneaky video. And it's come as a shock. To what extent, and in what other ways, have I misjudged him and our relationship?

Rightly or wrongly, I've got no intention of going to the police over this. I consented to the original photo, so if it turned into anything, at best he's got mitigating circumstances and at worst it's "Well if she wanted the photo, the chances are she was up for the film." Meanwhile, strangers are watching footage of my flabby backside and listening to my dirty talk and sex noises? ... What were my other options again?

givemesteel Again rightly or wrongly, I'm thinking along your lines.

I know it's ridiculous under the circumstances, but I just want everything to be back to normal. DS is ready for potty training. By far the best place to do that is at home. We've just bought a fancy potty. I've built up a decent life for myself. It was hard for a while, but it's got easier and better recently. The majority of the time, DS and I rub along OK together. Most of the time we enjoy each other's company. Occasionally we get a chance to have fun. DS adores DH. DH has been contributing more recently, and he's been generally quite nice.

I won't lie, there have been times in the past when I felt he mistreated me. But I thought things were on the up now and we could be a good family and show our son what a good relationship looks like.

I just want to get back to that feeling.

And now this has happened, so probably things are going to be shit again.

Probably I'm too attached to the idea that I want my son to witness a great relationship, so I'm working my backside off to create one, while my husband is just doing anything he likes, really. And obviously that in itself is a perfect example of a bad relationship.

Not sure how much of that is my husband's fault...

OP posts:
Original poster
papercoversrock · 14/08/2018 04:16

Should say DH and I rub along OK together, not DS, obviously.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 14/08/2018 04:57

If you do want to find a way to work past this, I would really recommend marriage counseling. He needs to earn back your trust. A therapist can help you with that process .

theWarOnPeace · 14/08/2018 05:16

Wanting everything to go back to normal is all well and good, but something has happened that means things will likely never be the same again. Even if you never speak of it again, you’ll remember, and you’ll be resentful of the way he treated you after you found out. He sounds like a manipulative pig, and his current behaviour is just the icing on the cake. You’ve asked for space and he’s effectively harassing you.