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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

459 replies

papercoversrock · 12/08/2018 04:05

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 12/08/2018 18:02

This is so sad, paper, because you are in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who is a sex offender and he believes he has conditioned you to minimise and accept his behaviour, hence, 'he doesn't do apologies', his trying to punish you by taking your son away adn forbidding you to take off with him, his gaslighting and minimising his sexual assault with 'FFS I thought you were over it already!' and shutting down discussion. And of course, he doesn't do a lot of parenting. ALL these actions point to one thing: YOU and your feelings and your son's don't matter for shit to him. You are both objects, accessories to his life that he can control and treat however he pleases.

He's conditioned you. It's a warped form of Stockholm Syndrome.

I agree 100% with Ayn and Ye, he's a vile piece of work and so are those who apologise for this type of assault.

I don't wish you just 'good luck', I hope you get yourself and your child the hell away from this abuser.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/08/2018 18:03

there is a world of difference between a consensual naughty photo and secret filming

You're absolutely right, and the same goes for your view of his cold, non-apologising, "not giving a s**t" attitude

This being the case - and since IME those who betray us rarely do it just once - I'd be interested to know what he did with the film before you discovered it

With my own ex (who I also believed had done it "once only") the naked photos he sneaked of me finished up with his OW, presumably for comparison purposes ... and now I'll never know just where those photos have gone or who's seen them

LeftRightCentre · 12/08/2018 18:05

I am surprised so many people are willing to have a relationship with someone who has no respect for them. To me, love is respect, if the latter is not there then there is no relationship. Some people have their bar set so low a flea could limbo under it.

Jupiter9 · 12/08/2018 18:06

Good luck.

TeddybearBaby · 12/08/2018 18:44

Op do you have anyone you can speak to IRL? I feel like this thread has been a lot.

If you still feel unsure about how you feel and are trying to untangle your thoughts counselling could help with that. The therapist won’t (if they’re doing their job right) judge you / husband or make any assumptions.

There are different kinds of talking therapies available and I’ll be happy to advise you (professionally) if you’re interested in going down that road....... just pm me. I hope you have lots of support. Good luck.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 12/08/2018 18:48

I gold filmed by an ex without permission - I was 17 though.

It's not just that but if you had not have found it a friend may have or he may have posted it online (that is a thing apparently).

If he can't see how wrong he was then I'd not trust him to not push if you said no to sex or for him to not downplay serious things as you won't like it.

You can't act like a toddler when you've made a mistake in the adult world.

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2018 18:50

I think there’s a lot about this mans behaviour and personality that you’ve turned a blind eye to because you know he won’t change and it’s the price you’ve been willing to pay to stay in the relationship. The violation of your privacy and his response, is really the true cost of being in a relationship with this man. He clearly doesn’t respect you and I doubt very much if this is the first time he’s done it. The very fact that a begrudging apology (without the teenage bluster) would have been enough for you, is a demonstration of how low you’ve set the bar for your H’s behaviour and despite that low bar, he still can’t be arsed. Instead he’s gone on the attack because dominating you is far more appealing than pretending to be remorseful (yes pretending because deep down you know he isn’t sorry).

So what’s the game plan Op? How far are you going to play this game before you back down and return to the status quo of pretending that there’s equally in this relationship. Or, are willing to stand your ground and withstand more appalling behaviour in an effort to extract an apology that you know has no foundation in remorse. Whatever you choose there’s no way you can really go back to pretending that deep down your H isn’t a selfish, entitled prick.

mathanxiety · 12/08/2018 18:54

So he pressed you to do the photo with the lingerie and didn't pick up any hint that youweren't comfortable with that?

OP, what made him want to do the lingerie photo?

You need to take off the blinders here.

Your H has been dabbling in porn or associating with people who do, or associating with people who have no respect for their wives, or who share homemade porn together, either IRL or online.

I would not trust this man as far as I could throw him.

Has he discussed the proposed camping trip with DS? As far as DS knows is it definitely on?
If yes, then your H is a devious, manipulative abuser.

bullyingadvice2017 · 12/08/2018 18:55

You do know this won't be the first time he's done stuff like this! And not will it be the last once he's got out of the doghouse and guilt tripped you for daring to react, and slowly sucked you back into his manipulation and bullying.

He will, because you sound like you think this is somehow excusable or acceptable.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/08/2018 18:57

OP I understand why you want to think it was a one-off, but I don't think your DP's actions really point to that. You were really reluctant to have your photo taken, but allowed it and straight after that he went on to take a video of you both having sex. Did he suggest or nudge you towards that particular position?

To me, that sounds quite possibly like someone who has taken photos etc. of you before and was escalating by trying to get your permission so he could start taking more obvious ones and then when he realised you probably weren't going to be into it, manipulated you into a position where he could film anyway.

mathanxiety · 12/08/2018 19:01

I think that's a very plausible scenario, BoomBoomsCousin. It's the foot in the door technique that groomers use.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 12/08/2018 19:05

So he pressed you to do the photo with the lingerie and didn't pick up any hint that youweren't comfortable with that?

I think he picked up on it perfectly, which is why he didn't even try to seek permission when he went straight on to the next level up.

And to repeat: using your son as a pawn in this might be as bad as everything else.

mathanxiety · 12/08/2018 19:12

Yes, I think so too AynRand.

I think it was actually a case of deliberately pushing boundaries to enhance his real live porn experience.

I think this man gets a kick out of disrespecting and scorning you, OP.

What he is getting out of this relationship is an ego trip. He works away while wifey takes care of the home front, then swans home and does little to contribute either as a partner or a parent, then indulges himself in bed and gets angry when you demonstrate that you are real human being with feelings. You interrupted his 'master of all he surveys' fantasy with your objection.

Original poster
papercoversrock · 12/08/2018 19:34

I've made it out of dodge and have DS with me. Your comments are all food for thought, thank you. I'm going to take Teddy's advice and go to visit my RL friend tonight. Thanks for all your insights and kind words. X

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 12/08/2018 19:36

I hate that some men benefit from some women's innate decency. OP didn't want to cause a fuss at his family's celebration and he is now using that initial delay to threaten her into staying home.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 12/08/2018 19:39

Good to hear, OP.

I get mightily pissed off with people minimising and mitigating experiences such as yours (you may have noticed) but it's only because I care so very much about it. My sex life is not vanilla, and that's why I feel so very strongly about the importance of consent. (And also because I'm not an arsehole, but you know what I mean.)

Fightthebear · 12/08/2018 19:39

Well done op

AnoukSpirit · 12/08/2018 19:45

Take care, op.

CountrySmile · 12/08/2018 19:48

Hope you get out, OP, what a total pervy creep. There's no going back from this. He has zero respect for you.

btw, so-called "vanilla" sex can be wonderful sex - doesn't need to create a lot of fake feelings or re-live out trauma for a start. People who need kinks and pervs are mostly to be pitied (I know I've met them). When they try and fob this on to other people - and they frequently do under the guise of "experimentation" - they are often just enjoying the corruption and spreading it around for their own gratification.

trojanpony · 12/08/2018 19:52

Glad to hear OP as I said I think you are still in shock and not thinking properly.

Please do get some RL support and consider your options very seriously as how you react now sets the scene for the next 10/20+ years of your life

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/08/2018 20:09

Please don't go back to him OP. He's shown himself to be a nasty bastard of the highest order and you don't need him. Listen to what all these clever women are telling you. Thanks

BiscuitMachine · 12/08/2018 20:21

Glad you are getting some time away with your son. I hope you can talk it through with someone you can trust. For what it’s worth, if my OH had done this, I wouldn’t trust him again. It is too much.

Anonnymouse54321 · 12/08/2018 21:08

His reaction afterwards would have absolutely sealed it for me OP. He isn't sorry. He left the room to delete stuff from his phone, why leave then return to apologise. If he was genuinely sorry he would have agreed to the space and done whatever it toom to try and make you feel better. Not gone disney dad and acted like you should have got over it. He knew exactly what he was doing when he saw your reluctance over the photo.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 12/08/2018 21:24

I wonder what else would be found on his camera phone, chilling isn't it? As I said before, report it to the Police and get a crime number if you won't do the sensible option for the sake of your kids, then take a "dick pic" without his knowledge see how he likes it, you can always use it as collateral. I know you probably wanted people to to play down this event, but it's actually both disturbing and disgusting that your husband, the man you're supposed to trust most in the world would violate you like that, it shows he has absolutely no respect for you as a wife and mother, or your body.

Gabilan · 12/08/2018 21:30

then take a "dick pic" without his knowledge see how he likes it, you can always use it as collateral

I really would not risk this. He might well like it - try online dating and try to stop men from sending you pictures of themselves. And whether he likes it or not, you would basically be sinking to his level.