Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

[papercoversrock]

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

Maybe he didn’t film it all

I'm damn sure the OP would have been made aware of his filming a lot sooner if at some point during proceedings he'd started playing with his phone.

I don't hate your DH but I loathe and despise his actions. He finds apologising hard? I would have expected him on his knees begging forgiveness.

Have you considered that this may not be the first time? He may have shared previous videos with his chums or all the other wank stains online.

I know you say you won't leave him, I personally couldn't bear to do otherwise.

I guess you probably didn't hear what you wanted to on the thread and are unlikely to post again but I hope you are reading.

To those who think this is no big deal etc - fuck off, you are wrong.

DP and I are the non vanilla/push boundaries sort of types.

With consent. Absolutely non refutable consent.

For him to do this and then react the way he has, he doesn’t care about your consent and is now shining his true colours by using your child as a weapon, knowing if you stand in the way of a promised camping trip that you will be the bad guy.

I think you were reasonable in wanting to just have some time apart and then come back with new eyes but I think that you would be absolutely in the wrong to then leave your Son with him, now knowing that he has the potential to abuse.

The fact is you now don’t know what his limits and boundaries are, what is he actually capable of?

Until you re-learn who your husband is then you absolutely need to take your child with you.

Maybe he didn’t film it all, maybe he hasn’t reviewed it etc. Again... I am not saying any of these scenarios are ok in the slightest, I just think there are varying degrees of wrongness.

So if I punched you in the nose, would you be happy to hear an endless whine of 'varying degrees of wrongness' and how you shouldn't be upset because I could have stabbed or bludgeoned you? You'd have no problem with that?

Also: fuck off.

Don't you find it adorable that CabbagesInShit is more upset that a sex offender has been called 'scum of the earth' than he is about the actual sex offence itself?

Oh sorry, not adorable. That other word. Abhorrent.

Still here. Haven't run away from things I don't want to hear or anything like that. Sorry if I sounded snide about AIBU, but you do often get a lot of diametrically opposed opinions and OPs can end up getting stick, that's all I was getting at. There's more consensus than I was expecting, tbh.

Frankly there's been no time to give any serious thought to things. It's not that I don't care, whoever suggested that - it's just that life goes on and there's not much time for introspection. I'm just on autopilot for now until I can get to my parents' and breathe a little.

Just to clarify: Family event but we stayed in a nearby hotel. To put it in context, I had new lingerie and he had asked for a photo previously. I was a bit awkward but said yes to the photo. It's not something we've ever done before and later that night I was feeling uncomfortable about it and so I looked at his pics while he was sleeping, considering deleting it or asking him to. It was while looking for the photo that I found the film. I had no idea he'd filmed us. He 100% knows me well enough to know I would not have agreed to that.
Obviously, there is a world of difference between a consensual naughty photo and secret filming. However under the circumstances I do think it's possible this was a one-off, rather than him being a seasoned internet pornographer. Maybe I'm kidding myself. He said he's never filmed us before and that he "just got carried away" after taking the photo.

And for those who asked, I'm cringing here but the answer is doggy style with his camera phone in his hand while my face was buried in a pillow. That's how come I didn't know. Sorry, tmi for those who didn't want to know.

It's really his reaction afterwards that sits very badly with me at the moment - him not giving a shit afterwards feels worse than him doing it in the first place, if you know what I mean.

OP, I’m not going to engage further with any other posters, but I hope you read my posts as I intended them, and that I wasn’t trying to make out you shouldn’t be upset about this, or that your DH isn’t massively in the wrong.

Wishing you the best however you decide to deal with this.

OP I was one of the ones who was shouting very loudly on this thread and I am genuinely sorry if I’ve upset you.

I’m sorry also that this happened to you, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that what happens next has to be your choice based on what you need. So take what you need from this thread, and ignore the rest of it.

Thanks for coming back, OP. I hope that you can take the time to process what's happened and find a solution for you.

The best case scenario is that your DH is feeling guilty about his actions now that you've called him out, this is making him feel bad and he's now blaming you for him feeling bad.

I was in a relationship like that and I can't fathom how I lasted so long. If he can't take responsibility for his actions then you have a problem.

The worst case scenario is, naturally, worse.

I hope you read my posts as I intended them

I hope you also read them as Cabbages intended them, and therefore dismiss them as the steaming pile of minimising, snivelling crap that they are. Obviously the decision is yours to make and you know your situation, but do not allow Cabbages to make you think that it is somehow less serious because it COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

It is in fact very serious, and you have the perfect right to be distressed about both the privacy invasion and the horrid behaviour afterwards.

It's really his reaction afterwards that sits very badly with me at the moment - him not giving a shit afterwards feels worse than him doing it in the first place, if you know what I mean.

This makes perfect sense, and it's the proof that it was not 'a bit naughty' or 'a moment of stupidity', because he's had the chance to make good - properly - and instead he's tried to make you feel worse.

I suspect that had he said, 'You're right, it was an awful thing to do and I am so sorry' and deleted it right there and then, you wouldn't have felt the need to start the thread.

It's obviously your decision OP, but please make sure that you do make it 100% for you, and don't let anyone make you feel that you somehow don't have the right to feel as strongly about it as you do.

Well done for coming back op. It doesn’t sound like he’s done this a lot before if that’s how he filmed it. But his filming it secretly as he knew you would say no and reaction to you finding out is a big huge fucking ginormous problem. I think you should pack and take ds without asking as ‘you knew he would say no’ and apparently that’s how your marriage works.

No worries, I'm not remotely upset by anything that's been said here. The whole point of a forum is that anyone can chip in. It's an emotive topic so bound to get a bit fraught.

It's really his reaction afterwards that sits very badly with me at the moment - him not giving a shit afterwards feels worse than him doing it in the first place, if you know what I mean.

Yes I know exactly what you mean.

When someone loves you, if you tell them that an action of theirs has hurt you, their reaction should be pretty instant. I think most good human beings would generally react "Oh no, I'm so sorry! I didn't realise that [x] would upset you so much. I will [insert remedy here]."

And that would be for something minor. My son recently asked me to stop using emojis in our WhatsApp chat because they remind him of his ex girlfriend. I said "Oh I'm sorry love, I didn't realize. I'll stay clear of them in future."

For something major? Something where I'd actively done wrong? If I expected to be forgiven I would be on my fucking knees begging for another chance.

I wonder if because you couldn't fully discuss it at the time due to being with family, over the next week he basically said to himself, "Phew, I guess I got away with it" - and then when you got home and started talking about going away, he was like "Oh FFS I thought you were over this already"?

On the plus side of things, the way you describe how he filmed does make it seem more of a spur of the moment thing than a long-term endeavour. It seems more unlikely that he would have uploaded it anywhere.

How you go forward from here is up to you OP. If you want to stay and make it work, then he needs to accept that HE needs to be making it work, not you. You can't save a marriage if the other person doesn't give a shit.

It's kind of alarming that, knowing you were a bit uneasy about the photograph even if you did consent to it, his next step was to do something more extreme and bypassing the consent he knew you weren't going to give.

I’m glad OP, I got so caught up in it all I lost sight of the person in the middle of it all, and that was wrong. I’m sorry.

I wonder if because you couldn't fully discuss it at the time due to being with family, over the next week he basically said to himself, "Phew, I guess I got away with it" - and then when you got home and started talking about going away, he was like "Oh FFS I thought you were over this already"?

I think that's almost definitely his line of thinking.

I guess you need to tell him that the fact you couldn't discuss it properly at the time doesn't mean it shouldn't be discussed now. Don't let him make you into the unreasonable one.

Hi OP. I haven't read every single word in this thread, but I have read a good chunk of it. What you need to remember, is that of the two of you (that being you and your husband) one of you definitely hasn't done anything wrong, the other definitely has. Now, how serious a wrong you perceive this to be is down to you and your personal views, but as Ayn points out in a recent post - you mustn't allow him to shift the blame to you and paint you as the bad guy.

How serious a transgression / breach of trust YOU feel this is - is most definitely your view to form, but once again, YOU didn't do anything at all wrong - he did.

He either knows he's done something wrong and is trying to deflect the attention on to you or doesn't think he's done anything wrong (or THAT wrong). Either way, it would be making me seriously wonder about the kind of man he is. Does he push/overstep your boundaries elsewhere in your relationship?

"Oh FFS I thought you were over this already"?

Oh dear. That is worrying isn’t it? That he still can’t see how you have a right to be hurt and distressed by what he did.

This is not hatred. He did a really horrible thing. Not a case of apologising, what was he thinking of? What was he going to do with the film? It is really not all right

Sorry to hear this Paper, I guess your DH must have lots of good points and that he’s your best friend so I hope you can both sort it out. Personally I wouldn’t be jumping to a divorce for something like this and am surprised by people’s reactions. I think an affair would be worse and even that doesn’t mean it has to be the end of a relationship. If he’s not understanding how you are feeling then would he go to a relationship counsellor with you ? Good luck with whatever you decide.

Fucking hell, I’d never, ever be able to trust him again

am surprised by people’s reactions.

Disturbing.

I think an affair would be worse

It would depend on the circumstances, but actually I think I'd find an affair easier to get over than the complete disregard of my sexual consent - both in the act itself, and the behaviour afterwards.

But even if that's true, so what? So an affair is worse - so what? If I punch you, do I get a cookie for not stabbing you?

There's always a way it could be 'worse' - so what? What's the purpose in dwelling on that, if it's not to try to make this particular act seem not as horrid as it is?