Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

528 replies

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 01:39

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

OP posts:
paintedwingsandgiantrings · 12/08/2018 19:12

Speaking to outside agencies like Woman's Aid about him will provide good proof, in case you ever need it.

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 19:27

I'm feeling at crisis point. I think I've lost my mind.

We just had a chat about me 'flirting' and he said what has hurt him the most is my refusal to admit that I have hurt him. He said I should have seen that my talking to this guy was hurting him and come to his aid. The fact that I didn't has him caused him serious trauma and pain.

In the conversation he asked me direct questions about why I did such and such and why I didn't introduce him to the guy....so I answered them and defended my point (he refused to believe and so I defended my point). It so ridiculous and such a stupid thing to be arguing about!!

Then he said he couldn't talk about it and didn't want to listen as I was causing him pain. I said how are we supposed to discuss it if you ask me direct questions then don't like me answering them.

He said he just wanted me to acknowledge that I've hurt him and the fact that I haven't (I have) has seriously seriously damaged our marriage. He said I hope you understand that you (me) have seriously damaged me (him) and our marriage. Then he drove off at speed.

I don't know what to do or think. I'm thinking he's right and maybe I am a cruel and horrible person. Have got such a knot in my stomach (why didn't I just apologise!!) I should have gone with the faux apology but the injustice of the situation just overtook me.

Also I don't do anything to help him with his trauma. I don't care for him or his emotional well being. (Which is not true!) He also said I was hurting him so much that he was going to be sick and ran to bathroom (before he stormed out).

OP posts:
sunsunsunsunsun · 12/08/2018 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunsunsunsunsun · 12/08/2018 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 19:31

He says I focus too much on who is right and who is wrong and I always want to win the argument. This isn't true - I just can't stand it when he comes up with bullshit and irrational points and have to tell him it's not like that. I can't stand the thought of him telling me that I'm selfish and cruel because I'm not. I'm also scared to admit I've hurt him besides if I do I'm worried he'll kick off massively and if I admit to something it will give him licence to kick off.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/08/2018 19:32

Christ, this guy sounds like a loser with a capital L. Pathetic doresn't even cover it.

Stop lowering yourself at the altar of him. I am cringing for you.

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 19:33

He says that my behaviour is worse knowing the 30 years of childhood based trauma he is dealing with!

I can't bear it!

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 12/08/2018 19:36

He is playing with you. You did nothing wrong. Please, read this thread again! Has anyone said you need to apologise - NO! He has brainwashed you.
Let him go.

LadyLaSnack · 12/08/2018 19:38

You need to find a way out ASAP. This man is monstrous. Even if it means telling him what he wants to hear for now, short term, that’s ok. But find a way out.

RoseTheHatt · 12/08/2018 19:38

Op. Enough. PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST AND GET RID OF THIS MAN.

Seriously. I can’t believe you’re still dithering.

bluerunningshoes · 12/08/2018 19:39

op
it's not you, it's him.
your eyes have been opened.

btw, a mum of dc school friend I strongly suspect is in a similar situation. I would gladly offer her a couple of night on the sofabed and a whatsapp rollcall with the other mums to help.
tell someone.

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 19:40

The problem is that when he starts to get angry or aggressive I automatically go into defence mode and try and nip it in the bud and stop it by being firm (because I'm scared of it escalating- it has in the past ) which makes it worse because all he wants is reassurance and love but I can't stop being defensive.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 12/08/2018 19:42

Caps just for emphasis - I'm not shouting at you.

HE IS ABUSING YOU. HE IS ABUSIVE.

You will never ever win this one because he LIKES doing this to you. He feels powerful when he can make you confused and upset. Leave him, ASAP. Do not warn him, do not discuss it with him - he may get violent.

bluerunningshoes · 12/08/2018 19:42

it's fine to keep yourself safe - on the surface.
but look for a way out.
stay safe

JamPasty · 12/08/2018 19:42

He doesn't want reassurance and love - he wants to dominate you.

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 19:44

I think I'm brainwashed. All I can think about is what is going to happen when he gets back - will he try and throw me out or take the kids. What if he hurts himself when he is out. Either he is really distressed or he is acting and manipulating me. Fuck.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 12/08/2018 19:45

Can you leave with the kids now he's out? If he hurts himself that is on him - it is in no way your fault.

Hugs

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 19:47

He also compared his insecurity and feeling awful/his issues with my fear of flying. I'm quite an anxious person and hate flying so the kids have never been on a plane. He says he puts up with this because he loves me so why can't I put up with his issues (insecurity) if I love him. I explained they are not the same and my fear of flying doesn't make him feel scared or intimidated. That's the difference. He doesn't get it.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 12/08/2018 19:49

course he doesn't get it - he doesn't want to get it. And you're right - the two are in no way comparable

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 19:49

@JamPasty he's got the car. We are in a small rural village with no public transport. And I've got nowhere to go. Xxx

OP posts:
JamPasty · 12/08/2018 19:52

Important question - you don't have to answer. Has he ever been violent, and/or are you afraid he will be violent when he gets back? If so, call the police on 101 for advice and consider getting out now, even if it means getting the train with the kids back to where your friends are. I'm sure they would help you if they knew

JamPasty · 12/08/2018 19:53

Taxi to the local station?

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 19:53

I feel so sick about what is going to happen over the next few days.

OP posts:
OneToThree · 12/08/2018 19:55

He’s a nasty cunt. Get out ASAP.

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 19:56

@JamPasty no he's never been violent to me directly. His anger scares me and he can be intimidating (slam doors, slam things about). But never hits.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.