This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

[peoniepants]

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

You can have my first ltb. He sounds like an absolute nightmare. Don't let him control you!

Make DS's birthday an activity which does not depend on your husband for anything. Arrange transport that doesn't involve the car, pick a time to leave and stick to it. Make sure you hide your keys or get a secret set cut and any documents you need (tickets etc) in a place only you know where they are so he can't suddenly decide he needs your keys or they disappear. Don't even mention it to him. Come home only when everyone is shattered and go straight to your separate room. So the kids are asleep if he starts and if he's gone for the day his protest won't have even registered.
Keep up the momentum, don't let any lulls in hostility win you over it's just the calm before the storm and do tell people. The shame is his not yours. Shine a light on it and you will have more support than you realise. It's amazing how many people crawl out of the woodwork to say they always thought something was off but didn't think it was their place to rock the boat.

Are you aĺl right OP?

My marriage was like this, Mr Charm to the outside but very controlling towards me Very similar in the irrational outbursts, my crimes were wherever he judged them to be, depending on HIS state of mind. I can understand why you are trying to justify that you were not flirting and we believe you. It is important you realise it is him, not you.

Ex went to counselling and it made it worse,many reasons I think, perhaps re-living his past but also he became the victim and felt entitled to express his feelings.He learnt the lingo and convinced himself I was abusing him because when I disagreed with him it "hurt his feelings".

What I finally had to realise is that Ex has major issues, possibly personality disordered as a result of childhood. It causes him to have irrational thoughts, which then drives his feelings and extreme actions.

I couldn't help him as intensive specialist therapy is required (DBT) but its not a cure.Generally it seems to get worse as they get older.

Why leave? For your health, I was going to leave 4 years ago but felt I should try again and for practical reasons. During those 2 years I developed a health issue which is related to stress.
Secondly, for your children, whilst they will be sad they WILL understand it and thank you. My dc do, our lifestyle is much reduced but we cope.

My advice is to plan to leave and then tell him, he will react badly so get support lined up.
You can do this.

Thanks @auditqueen you've hit the nail on the head. The faux apology always works and it keeps me and the kids safe.

He talked to me this morning telling me why it was my fault, - I was insensitive to his needs and I cause his flare ups because I do or say something to trigger him.

He did acknowledge that he was aggressive and that wasn't great but is insisting it's my fault and I'm insensitive and emotionally autistic because I couldn't see what I had done to hurt him and I don't think about him and his feelings. If only I was more considerate then he wouldn't be triggered and act that way. Also he can't stand me breaking his heart all the time -he can't live like this he won't be able to survive it he says. If I carry on being insensitive and cruel then he'll end up swinging from a rope one day because he can't cope with the pain. So he's threatening to leave.

So I have backed down and gone with the faux tearful apology and he has calmed down. I hate apologising for something I know I haven't done but things are calmer and I know I'm just buying myself time.

He's gone to bed now but I still can't phone WA just yet in case he hears. I feel like shit and my head is reeling.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support. Xx

@lifebegins50 thank you.

What you said

Very similar in the irrational outbursts, my crimes were wherever he judged them to be, depending on HIS state of mind.*

This explains this perfectly. This is exactly it. That's why I can never please him because I can't read his mind.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Threatening suicide and putting it on you is just not on in any way. It's more emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. You know this because in the next breath he said he would have to leave you. You are not responsible for his actions. You aren't.

You have got to find a way to get on that phone and get help to get out safely.

His behaviour is dangerous and escalating, OP. You need to get out now, please.

I hope you're able to get some advice on how to safely extract you and the children from this. I'd keep the routine of the faux apologies for as along as you need to.

I can see why you're your anxious over your son's birthday. It is hard when you know he will likely kick off in some way but not knowing exactly which moment he will choose. Staying safe is the priority for now. Once you're free of him they'll be no more egg-shell encrusted occasions.

Please please please do yourself and your DC a massive favour and leave this man. He will only get worse, right now you still know your own mind and that his behaviour is wrong, over the years he will grind you down until you won't know what is right or wrong anymore. Get out as soon as you can.

Yes, and super thin skinned, I used think his nerve endings were exposed so he could be triggered by anything.However it is his thoughts that cause his feelings and the more you apologise then the more "right" he feels so it reinforces his behaviour.

It is sad as his childhood damage will break up your family but you really can't fix him and as you are experiencing it most often gets worse.
It is so hard to explain to outsiders as most people are rational and even if they have irrational moments caused by drinking or stress they soothe themselves eventually and recognise they may have overreacted.
It doesn't happen with disordered people they can't be rational when triggered.

My mum is 70 now. She's down to 2 people she's on speaking terms with. She moved back to the area she grew up in 300 miles away but has cut everyone out.

She always needs something to blame, even for the most ridiculous things. She has poor health and had to miss a holiday. She told me that the OOH GP who dx her with a UTI said she'd had it for 2 weeks which coincided with her cataract being treated. And so she believes the person who performed the treatment had given her the infection. I asked how the GP could determine how long she'd had the UTI and I immediately knew I'd offended her. Because she's talking bollocks. But it can never be just one of those things with her. Someone has to be blamed.

it all stems from being abandoned by his mother as a child. He is massively projecting onto me. She was a flirt and used to humiliate his dad according to him and he has said he won't let that happen to him. So he massively overreacts to things. It's exhausting.

Have you ever wondered if this story is actually true?

It sounds to me like your DH and his dad are of the same ilk. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the truth is, the dad terrorised his mum away with baseless accusations of flirting, threats and probably violence.

The the dad told the children their mum abandoned them because she was a flirt.

It's good to see you reaching out for help here, you're starting on the path to taking control of the situation, and preventing history repeating itself.

If you can't phone Women's Aid, you could email them. Although - they might not get back to you for a few days.

[email protected]

On their website, they say:

If you are unable to call you can also receive support from the Helpline workers via email. We will respond to your email within 5 working days.

When you email the Helpline it’s very important that you specify when and if it is safe to respond and to which email address. The National Domestic Violence Helpline can only offer limited information by email as we don’t have the resources to provide on-going support or in-depth information in this way.

Please note we can not respond to emails by telephone as safety may be compromised. If you require an urgent response or need in-depth emotional support please call the number above.

This explains this perfectly. This is exactly it. That's why I can never please him because I can't read his mind.

I’d wager it’s worse than that. That he sets you traps to fall into, so that he can rage.

m.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/video-news/video-mp-jess-phillips-delivers-passionate-speech-on-domestic-violence-35299842.html

OP, your DH is not a good man. This is not how a good husband and father acts. Why the fuck should you do another day doing all the childcare cos he has gone off?? Staying with this man is sending a message to your children that this is normal and acceptable behaviour. It's neither. You tell him, he either cuts it out or next time he walks out he stays out. And mean it. Do you really want to live like this?? You are worth more.

Sorry the thread had moved on before my post uploaded. I'm glad you are leaving OP.

Op the only way to stop this is to get out of the relationship. He won't change. If you can't do it for yourself do it for the dc's. Give them a chance of knowing what a normal life is - I have spent most of my life working around others because I literally don't know any other way. It is exhausting, it's no fun at all and totally unnecessary.

Your dc's do not deserve to have a miserable life just because of something their granny did years ago.

Make a plan tho first then you can just do it otherwise you will just make it so much harder for everyone. He won't take it well so just get yourself super organised first

Good luck

He also has a habit of buying me lovely and thoughtful (but not flashy or expensive) presents and then maybe a year or so later these presents get trashed or thrown away when we have one of these arguments/ I upset him. I've just noticed that a lovely piece of artwork he has made (only small but really personal and lovely) has disappeared from the wall 😢 he did this with a special birthday present a couple of years ago because I didn't put it on the wall immediately- instead I rested it against the wall for a day or so so we could still see it. He took this as me not giving a shit and rejecting him. This was smashed up and thrown in the bin even though I begged him not to.

There's so much. I need to sit down and remember/write it all out in case I need it in the future. He'll probably leave me and get the kids saying I'm mentally ill or that I acted unreasonably. If I write it down and email it to myself then I'll have a date stamp and proof that he's been badly behaved and it's not me.

He is unstable, possibly a control freak and definitely jealous beyond reason.

Just read the whole thread and my heart aches for you and your kids. I grew up with a father like this. He started fights with my mum, blamed her for his storming out and cheating. Controlled everything she did, ruined Christmas and holidays. It turned violent. Now my most vivid childhood memories are the times we had to clean my mum's blood off the walls and carpet in case anyone came round and saw it. Eventually she left and became a strong, independent arse kicker with an amazing career she got by going back to night classes and working all day. She never married again and brought us up to not take shit off any man. But GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?! The cycle continued. I thought I was so prepared and hard faced and ended up in a LTR with another woman hating abuser who did exactly what you described in your first post. Everything my fault. He went to counselling and learnt the lingo, blamed me. Went on meds for his temper and side effect was impotence (my fault for letting myself go and becoming a fat hag - I was a size 12) it took a long time to leave as my default setting was thinking about all the good times which were fairytale wonderful. And guess who loved him the most? My mum. He was charm personified around everyone else. First things first, read. Know what you are dealing with. You can only do things in bite sized chunks. Good luck and protect the babies.

Reading his mind wouldn’t help op. If he was thinking she only loves me if she sprints out now , paInts the house and mows the garden, and you got out the paint, he would stop thinking that and think if she paints the house she is trying to make it look good for the guy she is cheating on me with, she only loves me if she runs to the shops to get everything to cook my favorite meal.

Your poor poor children.