This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

[peoniepants]

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

I think he's going to use it against me forever and I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life making it up to him (if I choose to). I just don't understand. It's like he wants me 'in emotional debt' to him.

One step at a time. If you can't get away right now and don't think he will be violent, then try to placate him when he gets back. You shouldn't have to, but this is about keeping you safe. While he's out, now, gather up important documents - kids passports, medications, bank statements, etc. Stash somewhere you can grab them easily so if he leaves the car keys unattended, you can grab and go as and when you can/want to. Clearly don't put them somewhere he'll find them and wonder what on earth is going on.

Love, he can't use it against you forever because that isn't in his power. You can divorce him and then you don't have to make up to him at all ever. You are worth more than this utter bastard.

He is abusive and nothing you say or do will be enough to stop this. He (with the help of his father - that Apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree) has become convinced that women are evil and nothing you do will break down his completely cemented victim status. He is using therapy to build up the trauma and keep his victimhoid thriving. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he has a personality disorder, probably BPD. He sounds very similar to my friend, who has destroyed her marriage by making similar accusations and threats against her husband. He tried his best to stand by her (just like you are - similar reasoning - she believed herself to be s victim of childhood trauma, believed everyone should assuage her feelings, even when they were based so far outside of reality that it was impossible, threatened suicide, made a few attempts, and blamed her husband and daughter for her actions) but in the end it broke him.
Sensible people on here told me ‘don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm’.
He does not have the right to abuse you, no matter what his childhood looked like, or what MH dx he may or may not fit into.
Abuse is abuse is abuse. It is utterly typical that he is trying to blame his appalling behaviour on you.
Don’t think that by staying and helping him work through his problems that you can turn this around. You can’t. Only he can do that. On his own. You can’t do it for him.
I doubt he can do it at all, if I’m honest. And he will blame you forever, just like his dad (and him) do with his mother.
Protect your children from that as far as you can, and build your barriers.
Look after yourself.

He says I focus too much on who is right and who is wrong and I always want to win the argument.

= You actually are right, and my arguments are pathetic lies, but I'm never going to admit that.

He says that my behaviour is worse knowing the 30 years of childhood based trauma he is dealing with!

How lovely to have a catch-all excuse for behaving like a total arsehole. It is time, and past time that he did the necessary work to get over this himself, rather than take it out on you every time.

I'm so sorry, every when it's a shitty situation there's a sense of failure when your marriage fails - and I'm sorry, that's where I think yours is. Be safe.

Thank you Jam 😊 I think I'm really pushed it and really think he'll be really really cross still when he gets back. He won't want to speak to me or look at me and he definitely won't want me in the bedroom or sleeping in the bed. Third night on the sofa for me.

OP, he sounds absolutely identical to my ex. Totally irrational, abusive, talks round and round, accusative, tantrummy, storming off, breaking stuff etc. I remember treading on eggshells and trying to pacify him. DC witnessed his behaviour and at 2.5 when I finally left him didn't speak a word of English (he's from one country and we were living in another), possibly because when I wasn't working FT I was not the talkative sunny mother I could have been because I was so self conscious around him. It took an awful lot of work to turn DC into a less angry child.

Once I'd made the decision to leave I found it much easier to ignore the fucker's behaviour until I'd got my ducks in a row. I used to regularly wish that he'd go ahead and 'suicide' or crash and die on the motorway - I came to despise him that much.

Make a plan to leave. It will escalate to violence one day. My moment of clarity came when he hurled a heavy rolled up rug and knocked dc off their feet, but he would often lash out and spit on me or kick me.

I wish now that I HAD had an affair. I was young, attractive living in a country with the most gorgeous men and wasted what should have been seven of the best years of my life on him.

Get out and get your life back, you CAN do it.

My friend wasn’t physically abusive either. Until she was. That was after the suicide threats and attempts. When she realized that her marriage might be ending. She hid knives in the bedroom and claimed they were for self defence. And after he asked for a separation (as he was close to suicide himself) she attacked him with glassware (broken wine glasses) - she had let herself into his house and made dinner, poured wine, and when he got home, she tried to convince him to get back together. She wanted a reconciliation. And attacked him when he said no and asked her to leave. She then called the police and told them he attacked her. He had to get a protection order put in place.
Just please be careful. People who truly believe they are victims and in the right can be extremely dangerous.

So he's gone out? Good, now's your chance to call Women's Aid.

0808 2000 247

www.womensaid.org.uk/

They're open 24 hours. If you can't get through do keep trying or leave a message - although from their FAQs it looks like this is a good time to call, so go for it!

If he's now gone out please call women's aid.

If you keep giving in to his demands to admit that you were somehow in the wrong and then apologise to him for this perceived slight when you know in your heart that this is simply not true, you are only building up a stronger justification for his continued abusive behaviour!

This man hopes that you will be so ground down by his repetitive demands that you will eventually doubt yourself and your own sanity!

This is not normal loving behaviour from your husband! He almost sounds deranged in his insistance that you apologise.

Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to speak to your family or friends about this, they might be initially shocked if they were not aware of your husband’s controlling behaviour but I’m sure they will be much more concerned about you and your children’s welfare.

What's the status with the house? Do you own or rent it? Who's name is on the tenancy / lease?

Well at least you won't have to deal with him then! Nick the best pillow/duvet for the sofa now. Act all sad and despondent when he comes back, but then have a bloody nice cuppa/gin/wine/biscuit on the sofa tonight, with the support of all of mumsnet behind you. There will be a time in the future when you are rid of him, and everything is all calm and lovely, and all this stress will be a distant memory.

Thank you! I am feeling the power and support of Mumsnet and it's amazing. Thank you all so much. I feel less alone and isolated and also it has really helped to write it all down. Xxx

Are you in contact with his therapist? My friend put me in touch with hers (to this day I swear she thought this would allow me to see that she was a victim). The therapist told me that she was a very dangerous woman and that I should always be prepared to call the police - to be vigilant and know that she was wildly unpredictable.
Your dh’s behaviour sounds so similar to her trajectory, and using the same excuses. My trauma is so great that everyone should do exactly as I say and behave exactly as I need them to. It’s never enough, because it isn’t based in reality.

@emsiboob - have a little compassion eh?

My dad used to accuse my mum of having affairs if she so much as went out for one night with the girls. He was jealous and possessive (of both of us - my curfew at age 15 was 6:30) and I can remember one occasion when he hit her because she dared defy him and went out even though he was having a massive strop. It wasn't until I was 16 and she had evidence of the multiple affairs that he'd been having, that she was able to LTB - she kicked him out. I never forgave him.

He set up the 2nd interrogation because he wanted to storm out again. I doubt he'd have accepted you conceding and apologising as that's not what he wanted from you. It's not worth your energy trying to work out why he's doing this. You are on his shit list. Leaving today isn't possible but don't entertain thoughts of trying to pacify him for the rest of your days. There's a future for you without him.

My dad still maintains he shielded my brother and me but it's not true. He describes his relationship with my mother as having walked the path of least resistance.

Like PP have said use his time out of the house to call someone. Women's aid, a friend. Look up to see if the police have a specialist Domestic Violence dept.

Do you have access to money?

Also, tell him to sleep on the sofa or to move out if he doesn’t want to be anywhere near you- what gives him the right to dictate where you sleep!! Telling you that you can’t sleep in the bedroom or on a bed is a nasty emotional form of punishment by him to break you!

Will you be speaking to Womens Aid??

He has got much much worse over the last 6 months or so which has coincided with his therapy sessions - so dragging things up from us childhood? He firmly believes that I only think about myself and feelings and that I don't care about him and my consideration for his welfare and wellbeing is deteriorating fast. He'll be sat in the car somewhere telling himself all of these outrageous and irrational untruths and convincing himself that I am a cold and cruel bitch. I can't bear that.

Also his therapy has now stopped - he only had 8 sessions and his therapist told him that she was going to use him as a car study of great recovery and progress! He definitely did have therapy. With a psychologist not counsellor.

Please call Women's Aid and ask them to help you get out of there.
Things will get better if you leave him

Is there someone in RL you can confide in?