This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

[peoniepants]

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

I understand that there are logistical and financial hurdles. Can you borrow some money from extended family, siblings?
You are living a sickening nightmare and anyone who cares for you will want to help in whatever way.
Who can you talk to amongst your family and friends?
Take the bull by it's horns and open up to a trusted person. No one will judge you if they truly love you and have your best interests at heart.
You deserve this, don't forget that, and so do your children

Op l second all the above,....

I think you should get a locksmith and change the locks when he is out, pack him a bag and leave it outside the house.

Text him and tell him, also let him know you feel unsafe and will call the police immediately should he come near you or start harrassing you.

Go out for the day by bus or on foot so that you are somewhere else when he comes back, could you not tell a friend, maybe someone could help you with some money to tide you over.

As soon as he is out then apply for all the benefits you are entitled to.

RING WOMANS AID ...we are all behind you op, and sending you lots of support.

it is very possible that your family know.
that they are waiting for you to call them.

Like MyotherProfile, thinking of you and sending you strength.

Right so you’re married to an arsehole.

He won’t change.

He doesn’t put the children first so you have to. If you stay with him you will be as responsible for fucking them up as he is.

Stop dithering. You have to step up.

I'm glad you're going to call Women's Aid. Your husband is an abusive, controlling asshole. He's probably just like his father; I highly suspect his stories about his mother are actually his father's twisted, abusive interpretation of her, much like his accusations about you.

I would rather live in poverty and beg for help from every agency in the country than live in fear and raise my children with a man like that. Think about what he is teaching them as 'normal' ... which is very far from normal. Do you want your son to be like him? Would you like your daughter to marry someone like him?

Please get help to get out.

The best thing today (I know you're emotionally mangled) is to get out of the house with the kids for the day.
Ok he's got the car, make a picnic and catch a bus somewhere, have a nice day with the children,reassure them that they are safe and loved, give them a 'normal' day.
Do not engage this evening, at all.
Then tomorrow, call the Freedom programme, get things like yours and the kids birth certs/passports in a safe place.
Think about calling an old friend from where you lived, as others say - they may well know and be half expecting your call.
DS's birthday is one day. His teenage years, the shaping of him as a man are far more important than one day of you biting your tongue.

Our friends and family only ever see his charming, funny and lovely side. They would be shocked by this side to him and probably wouldn't believe he was capable of it. I don't think I can tell anyone I'm so embarrassed and ashamed.

Abuse flourishes in the dark. Start telling people - it will really, really help you take back control over your own head.

As long as you are complicit in helping him hide what he is like you are stuck in the cycle of abuse - you are taking responsibility for his behaviour. It is a simple thing to step out of this and the step consists of telling someone, and then telling everyone.

I'm glad you're going to call Women's Aid. I agree with PP that you are in an abusive relationship and it's only going to get worse. Might I suggest starting a new thread in relationships? While the thread is here in AIBU you're going to keep getting posters responding to the OP and not reading further, if you post in relationships you're more likely to get support and advice from those who've been in the same position as you.

He actually said last night that I'm always hurting him and he can't take me hurting him anymore and that he will leave me

Tell him to carry on and leave, but make it clear that it's because his behaviour is hurting you and the children and nothing else.

Please leave him. I have a friend who is married to arsehole just like this, only she is aged 63 and has been putting up with it since she was 18. Her life is a misery because of him. She is terrified of what he will do if she makes a move to leave. She wishes she'd done it when her DC were small.

Womens Aid are amazing. Theyll give you so much advice and things to think about and won't pressure you into leaving at all until you are ready. You also have the option of shelter, should that be necessary.
You'll be able to get a really good idea from citizen's advice what you would be entitled to in terms of benefits/housing etc. You'll be better off than you probably think.
Don't fool yourself into thinking you don't want to break up the family for the sake of the children. They will be much better off with their home as a safe haven rather than walking on eggshells around a dad who doesn't put them first, watching their mum getting trodden on.
Please read the Lundy book. It changed my life.

It will surprise you how many folk see through his "charm". Good luck OP.

This is clearly an abusive relationship. Once you stop putting up with it, it is likely to escalate to violence. Small at first - pushing and things like that. Then worse. I covered this just last week in my Womens Aid counselling.
If he wants to get help, they do sessions for men too.
Please don't put up with it. It is soul destroying and will never get better until he addresses it (which is unlikely).

“Our friends and family only ever see his charming, funny and lovely side. They would be shocked by this side to him and probably wouldn't believe he was capable of it. I don't think I can tell anyone I'm so embarrassed and ashamed.”

You’ll be surprised. A lot of people have their doubts/inklings about the partners of their friends/family but it’s not the done thing to voice them without the facts. They might be waiting for you to reach out to them.

he can't take me hurting him anymore and that he will leave me - 'Oh would you? That'd be great! Thanks!' (Or 'Ok then, fuckity bye' as a pp said ) Take back that control. He's expecting you to cry, plead, apologise, beg him to stay... Fuck that shit.

Oh and DON'T change the locks. That is always trotted out on threads like this - you can't legally change the locks if this is his house too. Only if it is in your name only, and even then, if you are married, he has total rights to enter his own house.

Get legal advice on what you can do. And quickly.

""I could cry for the kids right now. They don't deserve this shit.""

I know it's been said, but get them out of it, then.

He is an abuser, you are keeping the children living with an abuser, because you won't end it.

You are fucking up your children's MH and are in danger of taking the life off them that they could have.

The choice of your DH being more important is unfortunately yours.

Just be aware that most children now grow up and also resent the Parent who wasn't abusive, usually their Mother, because she picked her relationship over protecting and caring for them. In generations gone by, there wasn't a choice, but there is now.

""he can't take me hurting him anymore and that he will leave me - 'Oh would you? That'd be great! Thanks!' (Or 'Ok then, fuckity bye' as a pp said""

Only do that if you are absolutely sure that a Partner won't turn physically violent. If he is prone to rages, he could easily kill you. Not every Woman killed by her Partner has lived with physical abuse beforehand. Her standing up for herself has been the moment it has escalated.

I agree with getting legal advice. Emotional and verbal abuse is now a crime.

Carrying on the way he does in front of the children, is also classed as abuse towards them.

Take the children out for the day on ds's birthday? Theme park? Zoo? Beach? And MacDonalds afterwards? I took my dgs for the first time last week - balloons, colouring pencils/pictures, kiddie computers? Leave DH at home to sulk?

how far will his punishments go when you don't conform to his expectations of your behaviour OP ?

this guy is an insecure controlling aggressive DICK... get yourself and your children away my lovely

I had an abusive marriage like this. I won't go into,details, but it took a very, very long time to get away from him. It's ok for people here to say go now, tell him to fuck off, ignore him etc.

I used to ignore my ex when he was shouting at me - it wound him up even more. The only thing that worked was the faux apology. That kept me safe until I was ready and prepared to leave.

It's like they sense when they are losing control, so step it up; so the only thing to do is make them believe they have you where they want you and then they relax a little bit. That's when it is safe to go.

And can the posters who keep badgering this poor women about going to women's aid etc please stop. I know you mean well, but can't you see that you are harassing a vulnerable woman who is coming to terms with the reality of being in an abusive relationship. It makes you feel like shit and useless, especially if you've been told again and again that you are to blame for their behaviour, you are useless and pathetic and can't cope without them. That's a lot to process and you need time to get your head around that and get stronger - then prepare to leave and plan it. OP I echo other posters that relationships is the best place for this thread.

Are friends and family come to DS's birthday? Maybe it's time they all see what an abusive man child he is. Or will he put on an act?

Can you make DS's birthday an activity out of the house instead?

Blimey, he sounds bloody awful! I sincerely hope you've listened to the advice on here and called Women's Aid?