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Original poster

This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

528 replies

peoniepants · 12/08/2018 01:39

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

OP posts:
FrayedHem · 13/08/2018 10:57

Remember how your husband talks about his mum and what he's like as a person to you? He's busily laying down the path for your children. You need to divert it.

Safety is priority, but have you managed to make any calls? and you do need to be careful not to show your hand to him. Keep an ace up your sleeve.

MyOtherProfile · 13/08/2018 10:57

That's really sad. You absolutely need to get out for the sake of the children. They can't go on seeing this.

Graphista · 13/08/2018 10:57

Believe me - even if he didn't go out his way, they'd know.

But this is worse, this is him abusing them emotionally by trying to get them to take "his side".

Your son is already seeing through his fathers tactics - it won't be long before she tries to defend you, what will your husbands reaction be then?

Clandestino · 13/08/2018 11:04

Oh God, you need to get away and divorced ASAP. He's using you, verbally abusing you and manipulating the situation so you look like the guilty person, not him.
That's bollocks and you know it. Please please get out of that relationship ASAP.

Soooyeah · 13/08/2018 11:18

Oh OP it’s upsetting to hear what you are going through and I don’t even know you! I have no experience of this or of women’s aid so I hope you don’t mind my input but please please call them now he isn’t around. From my understanding they will definitely help you - if not for you do it for your kids. Don’t let them see this is right. If you don’t call them call your brother. You said previously you have enough money for a few weeks, if you can get out today. Use some of it for a taxi to the nearest public transport then on to your brothers, and you could even wait and call women’s aid from there? He’s your brother I’m sure even if no space he would let you and the kids camp on the sofa/floor for a few days until other help can be established? Sending hugs and remember us lot on mumsnet are always here for you x

RayRayBidet · 13/08/2018 11:22

Please get out today, grab birth certificates and passports and get to your brothers house.
Please do it now while he is out.
You cannot stop the kids being hurt/upset its already happening. But you can stop them witnessing any more.
You can't fix him/reason with him. He hates you.
Please get out before he hurts you.

AliasGrape · 13/08/2018 11:25

He’s abusing your children now - think really carefully, are you prepared to let them stay in this situation?

None of this is your fault.

Stop listening to him stop listening to him stop listening to him. It doesn’t matter what he says, it doesn’t matter why he’s like this. Everything he says is lies - all of it. Stop worrying about whether x is true or if he said this because of that. It doesn’t matter. He’s an abuser and everything he says is going to be whatever he needs to say to destabilise you and allow him to continue to control and abuse you and your children.

Can you take two steps today 1) call women’s aid and 2) get important documents and other essentials together somewhere safe he won’t look.

Also does he know or suspect you post here? Please make sure to sign out every time and turn off any email notifications etc. Remove it from your browsing history each time also.

IAmNoAngel · 13/08/2018 11:27

Do you work, peonie? Do you own or rent your home? Is your paperwork accessable to you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2018 11:34

It’s a real shame he’s decided not to go away as you would have had more time to yourself.

I’m glad you’re picking your past to bits. I had emotionally unavailable parents, both narcissistic. It is hard to know where the lines are and before you know it, they’re crossed.

If you don’t want him around, would not consider saying things like: “Thank you for saying you’d stay. But if you need the time away, we will all be fine. We can have a celebration for ds when you get home.” Perhaps over text. I don’t mean to antagonise him. But perhaps it would and is a bad idea. In any case, I think you should try to gather tests and voice recordings. The more evidence you can gather the better.

Moonflower12 · 13/08/2018 11:37

Please make plans to leave or for him to go. This sort of behaviour escalated very quickly. I know to my cost.

violets17 · 13/08/2018 11:47

Do you know any neighbours at all? Any woman who has given you a friendly wave? They may be willing to keep a small box hidden for you of vital documents.

imnotreally · 13/08/2018 11:54

It's not your fault. He is gaslighting you. What he is doing is now classed as a crime. You can call the police. Unlikely to get social services involved at this point but it WILL escalate to the children if you don't stop him now. Tbf the only reason and way I found the strength to leave my abusive xh is because social services told me it was him or the kids. I couldn't stop him being dangerous and abusive towards them because I was too scared of the consequences. And he would just do it worse.

Their best weapon is to make you believe it's your fault. Threatening to commit suicide is a classic. And while he may threaten to leave you he won't because he's got you where he wants you. He probably won't stay with his friend because he wants to be able to keep you under his thumb.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. To get out is hard. So hard. And it doesn't always stop properly afterwards. But it is better out than in. Especially for the kids.

Teabay · 13/08/2018 12:00

Please make steps today to leave.

I did, I took my DC both under 9 - they get it now.

I'm nearly three years free.

Please please please please please leave. Think of your children and their mental health.
You wouldn't put them at physical risk of harm, would you? Leave them in a burning building so they would be scarred?

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 13/08/2018 12:19

peoniepants can you call women's aid now? If he comes back you can just hang up quickly - tell them you may need to do this, they'll understand.

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 13/08/2018 12:20

Or - call your brother quickly. Tell him what's going on.

Don't tell your DH you've done this

Guienne · 13/08/2018 12:25

Have you been able to phone Women's Aid, peonie?

TheCakeCrusader · 13/08/2018 12:31

Are you going to contact WA?

TheLadyArmitage · 13/08/2018 12:32

Get out now!

Save your children from following this same road!

Phone women's aid, get the children, any paperwork you need and leave!

Do not put it off, do not take your time, leave now!

(Passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate, any paperwork showing loans / financial agreements / ownership of the house etc.)

JamPasty · 13/08/2018 12:41

Love, I know this is hard, but I don't think you can afford to take this slowly. He is escalating dramatically and it's harming the kids. You and they need to get away ASAP.

Don't ever ever doubt yourself or your judgement. Look at it this way - you posted in AIBU where no one is afraid to tell it like it is, and everyone is saying you're right and he's a dangerous bastard.

Will leaving him mean disruption for the kids - sure. But staying means damaging them. They are already learning they have to walk on eggshells around him.

You can totally do this. The whole of mumsnet is behind you for a start. Hugs

Rupeomatic · 13/08/2018 12:55

Please please. Get yourself and the children out now.

Pack a bag each and go to the police station if you have to.

BlueKarou · 13/08/2018 13:16

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

So much good advice on this thread. Definitely start getting all your important paperwork etc together in case you need to take the kids and leave at short notice.

Can you send your brother(s) a link to this thread so you don't need to explain everything again? You need an ally in real life in case you need to take sudden action to keep yourself/your kids safe.

Sorry if I've missed it, but do you own or rent your house, and is it in your name or his or joint? Is there any way you can get the locks changed (it's a shame he's cancelled his trip away - that would have been a perfect time to get things in order.)

OldEnglishSheepDog · 13/08/2018 13:22

Please get out OP. His tone sounds increasingly threatening and your kids are aware and scared. None of this is your fault but you can make the decision to get to a place of safety with your children. WA can help you. The police can help you. And we're here to support you. Flowers

MadMaryBoddington · 13/08/2018 13:41

Op your children need you to get them out. Now.

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 13/08/2018 13:44

You've seen how this story ends.

He thinks his mother abandonded him because she wanted to flirt with other men. I don't know what his father did to make her too scared or broken to get her DC back from him.

One of your DC already thinks you're at fault for flirting.

Don't let history repeat itself. Protect yourself and your children.

This guy WILL get violent, if he isn't already. Please don't wait till this point.

Please, please tell someone in RL - your brother would be a great start.

When I told people about what my abusive ex was really like, after hiding it for a long time, it was like I broke a spell he had over me and I started regaining control of my own life.

TheLadyArmitage · 13/08/2018 14:05

Even IF you were flirting... so what?
What harm should it cause? It's not a friend, it was a passing stranger who you'd never have met again.

His behaviour is not acceptable in any way, shape or form.

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