This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

[peoniepants]

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

Peoniespants - the answer to all your questions is "because he's abusive".

We cannot say why he's doing this, we cannot help you to make him understand you, or help you to understand him - because he's abusive.

It's just so exhausting trying to second guess him and keep him happy all the time. I spent all my time keeping him happy for months and enduring a lot of criticism and harassment and then one slip up and the rest of it doesn't count.

It's also exhausting having to remember to tell him how sexy and attractive he is and how much I fancy him and to have a lot of sex with him and then tell him how great the sex was. He needs all of these things - all of the time, otherwise he gets really grumpy and moody.

Sorry for all of these texts - writing it down is helping a lot and documenting it will help when I ring WA.

Thank you @DonkeyPlease thank you 😊😢 xxx

I'm feeling massively out of my depth here. So out of my comfort zone.

Your post of 00:09 - everything you write, I went through. Identical. Pp are right, there is nothing you can do to help this man. He's addicted to the validation he gets from all this drama. He gets his ego boost from seeing you in misery. You may live under the illusion that he wants the good times - you need to understand, he doesn't want the drama to stop. He wants more and more because it makes him feel impossibly powerful, completely safe, like he's God. He can see he's crushing you and it's making him high.

Who can you phone tonight to help you? You need am escape route and a solicitor. And you need to tell people what has been going on xx

He also told me he's a nice person who doesn't deserve to be treated badly by me!! He doesn't deserve this. He's building me up into some kind of monster to justify his behaviour.

You'll be alright peonie.

Many women have trodden this path before you - one of my best friends being one of them.

You can do this, Be strong, Take your time, speak to Women's Aid, make a plan. Don't talk to him about it, or expect him to understand.

Please call the police OP. This was an assault. Even if they let him go afte a night in the cells it will be a good wake up call for him.

You're still worrying about him. Put yourself first. And your kids. He is ramping up the abuse now. It can turn nasty and has done for a lot of us.

Nows not the time to worry about your son's birthday or what he may tell your friends. Worry about your safety and that of your children.

He also doesn't get the putting the kids first bit. When I said we have to put their feelings first he said what about his? Why can't his feelings be first - it's because he's bottom of the list.

I'm starting to shake now.

Stop listening to him. He is abusive, controlling and clearly unhinged, and his behaviour is escalating because he has clocked you are not desperately trying to make him happy (and you shouldn't have to!) Make plans to leave. Do it when he goes away with his friend. Just get your stuff together, your DCs' stuff together, and leave!

Im scared that phoning the police will massively escalate it and also scare the kids. He's out all day tomorrow then coming back and going off for a few days with his friend so we'll have space.

OMG this was my mum. I saw her go through this with my step dad. Turned out he was cheating and he's still with that lady today (although he did beg and beg to come back).

I remember the man child behavior (I was 8-15 years old when he was in my life), I swore to never ever put myself with a man like that. Seriously, their relationship stopped me from trusting men until I was in my 20s. He needs to sort it himself out, but I would say it shouldn't be left up to him. It all sounds very exhausting, life is better than this.

Sorry to read you’re going through this OP. You sound very strong, you’ve been putting up with a lot of bullshit for years. Do tell your brother as soon as you can, you need as much RL support as you can get. And I also think you should call the police, he’s sounding increasingly more unstable as time wears on.

You know you weren't doing anything wrong but he managed to get a day off didn't he. And he has decided to have another day off too tomorrow.

He's a jerk - my sister used to ALWAYS freak out on birthdays, Christmas anything. You could set your watch by her.

He's really putting the screws on you. Do you honestly think he will spend his son's birthday at his friend's? If his friend knows it's your son's birthday, I doubt he'd be willing to show that side of himself to a friend. I'd bet good money he will turn up. Not that him turning up is a good thing - quite the opposite. And I really don't mean to be hurtful, but your son has probably already guessed there'd be an incident around his birthday. He will have noticed the pattern. But this will be the last time he gets to do it. There'll be many other birthdays where he won't hold the power to fuck them up anymore.

Do tell your brother. Don't worry about joint friends. True friends will know that whatever utter crap comes out of his mouth is just that. Utter crap.

Again, its hard but try not to focus on the current injustice. He's utterly dysfunctional and incapable of rational behaviour right now. You don't want him looking at you, you don't want to share a house never mind a bed with him. He is not worthy of you.

Thank you @FrayedHem I'm finding it really hard to trust my judgment right now. I'm also worrying about what I will tell the children. Hopefully he'll tell his friend everything (including the crazy and irrational bits) and his friend will think WTF and talk some sense into him. Probably not though!!

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. I definately think you should log this incident with the police. It's shows him you are not fucking around and putting up with his bullshit and IF he ever does try and take the kids you have it logged on record that he was once aggressive with you. X

his friend will think WTF and talk some sense into him

No one will ever be able to talk sense into him. Let go of that thought. He is not going to change, ever.

He is an abusive man who grew up in an abusive house. This is who he is. It's how his brain works. He won't ever see "reason" as he's not rational. He sees the world totally differently to how you do, and just as his actions make no sense to you, he will never be able to understand how you see the world, nor be like you.

Please, please let go of the idea that you can save this relationship - you really can't - and start making a plan to protect yourself and your children by leaving.

Oh OP, sadly your post brings back so many memories for me. I had an argument with my ex once because I accidentally pushed out my chair and brushed some guys leg in a restaurant and said sorry . . . This was apparently me flirting and disrespecting him! It was early in our relationship and should have been a bigger warning to me.

Things got much worse - I had a kid with him and his behaviour escalated. His emotional abuse became physical and eventually I started to find help. ( I had been planning on leaving and talking to women's aid but leaving happened earlier than planned as neighbours called police on hearing an argument/assault).

Your husband is abusive - emotionally abusive. Stay calm and start to plan to leave- women's aid can possibly work out benefits and emergency housing but for your childrens sake please just leave.

Survival advice -

Fake apologize - buy time to plan. He won't be able to help himself with cycle of nice and explosions over nonsense but each time say sorry and work on planning your departure, financial evidence etc.

Record everything - I emailed it to myself so that kept the dates for me and didn't worry about a diary around the house.

Tell people - talk to doctor, talk to health visitor, sons school. They will be sensitive. Social services may get involved (didn't with me in end as I had a restraining order so dd was safe) but when I first started talking to doctor he didn't contact them that I know of.

Do you work? I also told my boss - not quite full story just that things where difficult at home and I ended up crying and he joined the dots and was very supportive of putting things in place to make work less stressful.

Talk to your brother, can he come get you? Can family come and stay . . . They may see his mask slip.

Call women's aid - they are amazing. Always busy so don't be disheartened if you don't get an answer just leave a message and they will get back to you. Women's aid may be able to place you and your kids in a shelter. Take it if offered - I always thought my situation wasn't so bad that I needed this but in hindsight I wish I had went to a shelter before things got physical.

There is also a free legal advice line- rights of women. Again hard to get an answer but keep trying. The lawyers that volunteer give great advice.

Also - and this may require some bravery, can you call into police station? Talk to a community officer. I have possibly missed your age in your post but is it possible that your husband has a history of abusive behaviour before you met? Under Claire's law you can request to know if there is anything on his record to do with dv. (For my ex there was - I could have went and found this out had I known about Claire's law when things first felt dark!)

Be calm, be safe, have a bag ready in case you need to leave quickly (passports/birth certificates/money/medications etc) and get planning. Do not tell him you have even thought about leaving . . . Tell him when safely out!

Also - if he is wanting to go for a week, let him go as his presence may spoil the birthday otherwise! This also gives you a break from him!

It's understandable you're feeling confused. You've had years of being chipped away at. My mum still believes my dad was abusive to her, and she is a wonderful person who just keeps having wrong done by her. British gas, BT, her cousins, her godson, my brother, my dad, me, the bank, the hospital..........I could go and on.

I wouldn't be too committal about whatever your H is doing to the children, as he likes to play the problem child so much. He'd probably love it if you told them he's away with his mate and won't be back and then come strolling in pretending he's been elsewhere. Whatever minimal information you can get away with.

I suppose he's taking the car. Are you able to put together an at home birthday celebration? Or arrange for a friend/family to come to you and take you all out?

I hope you managed some sleep op and are safe and well this morning.

Morning. All quiet here so far. Managed to get some sleep on the sofa.

I just can't believe what is happening to me. Feeling so awful this morning.

So angry - remembered he said last night that I've managed to make him feel so dreadful and upset that he forgot his own child's birthday. (Reference to him going to stay with his friend this week and missing the birthday).

He looks and acts like a man who has lost all sense of reality and I don't know how to deal with it. Nothing is ever good enough for him - we're in the pattern of him complaining about something I do or don't do that upsets him. Me then changing or trying to change and then him finding something else that I need to change. And it goes on and on.

Last night he accused me of knowing what I needed to do to change but not caring enough to try.

I've spent the last few years trying to second guess and remember the list of things he doesn't like me to do or needs me to do differently - from my appearance (shaving everything in sight) to the language I need to use when initiating sex or having sex, giving him compliments on his physical appearance - it goes on. There's so many enforced rules I sometimes forget one and that's when it kicks off. Always feel like I'm dropping a ball so to speak!

He has blamed me for the whole episode. Said that I caused this whole thing - including the upset for the kids - with my behaviour. He won't take responsibility for any of his actions and behaviours. Said I made him do it.

I just feel so sick about the disruption the kids are going to face. We've only just recently moved away - quite some distance away from friends and the kids are starting new schools soon. It's such a massive upheaval and change for them already and now this happening to them on top of that and it's all my fault.

He did not forget the bloody birthday. He engineered the row so him missing the birthday is “your fault”.

As hard as it is - let go of the righteous indignation. Let go of wanting him and others to see the truth. Accept he will slander you. It’s shit - although people will see through it hopefully - but the bigger prize is having fresh air to breathe and the freedom to be an ordinary person...

He also didn't believe my fake apology. Said I was only telling him what he wanted to hear to make it all stop and because it was 'getting serious'.

I just can't forgive him for not being able to put his children's needs before his own. For not putting them first. For not caring or thinking about the consequences of his actions and how they are going to feel.