This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

[peoniepants]

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

My friend believes she is an empath. She truly believes she feels so much more than the rest of the world, and therefore everything hurts her much more than it hurts anyone else. And that everyone should admire her capacity for feeling and understand that other people's behaviour cuts her like knives. You can’t rationalise with someone with a personality disorder. There is no rationale to be had.

He is an abuser
Get out

He is vile

Aintnothing - don't be a dick. The OP has clearly only really started figuring out that he is abusive and is wrapping her head round that. You do also realise that it can take several attempts for women to leave abusive partners? I think everyone else helping her work it through and offering practical advice is much more helpful. There is no need to reply if you think she won't leave, just ignore the thread. Off you pop, now.

OP how do you really know that he went to the therapy sessions?

I find it very suspect that he made such excellent progress that he's being used as a case study. Either he's BS'ing his psycholotherapist (because things are worse!) or he isn't going at all, and just told you that to show you that it's all wrapped up and ended.

Your self esteem must be on the floor and while we can all advise you to leave him if you don't have a great sense of worth that can be very difficult. Everything he's telling you is about him not you. He cannot cope with being out of control and will blame you until you beg for forgiveness.

When my ex did this to me I felt like I was in the eye of a storm and felt I had no way out but I got to a point where I was so numb it didn't matter what he said or did I couldn't feel anymore hurt. Leaving him was easy in the end. I figured out what I was and wasn't willing to put up with and I was emotionally so tired I couldn't put up with 1 more day of his hysterics then his 'it's you and me against the world' it was a rollercoaster.

You don't need to save him and he will never change as long as he's blaming you for how he feels. He has to take ownership of his behaviour and his feelings that's not your job.

Your job is to own you and your stuff and to show your kids what's a healthy loving relationship looks like. You can do this you just need to get over the hump of hoping it's a phase and he'll see things your way and change.

I'm now married to a lovely man who wouldn't dream of speaking to me the way your dh does, we aren't perfect but he would never abuse me in any way. That is a 'normal' relationship. Good luck lovely

It's a way to control you.
It's abuse.
Kick him out or leave him. He won't change. He is escalating.

@QueenOfIce I was in a very similar position for nine years. Mine was an emotionally and physically abusive narcissist who made me believe it was all my fault and that I was the reason he acted that way. I’m now also married to a lovely man and I’m astounded that I thought what I had before was normal. I still have nightmares about him sometimes.

OP, you can get out and you can get through this. When you are free of him, you won’t believe that you put up with it for so long.

OP the more I read your posts the more sickened I feel for you. He really is very vile and definitely emotionally abusive. You’ll never win and from what I know now it would take years of hardcore therapy for him to change. He is pre conditioned to it from childhood and is reliving the cycle.

Listen to all the posters on here. You do need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. The lovely people on here helped me to get out of a nasty relationship just like yours and it was hard because I had become accustomed to his cycle of abuse. It almost became ‘normal’ everyday life if that makes sense but it was far from normal. It was actually an exhausting nightmare.

Get out for you and your kids xx

How embarrassing. I would tell him if he does it again he can move out. He won't change.

I grew up in a very abusive household, I witnessed behaviour like this and was subjected to horrific abuse, it took my mum 20+years to leave the man. I now have a normal stable relationship with a man that supports me and our children and enjoy life. I have never used my past against anyone! What you are describing sounds exactly like my ex step dad, when he is telling you that you are fat and boring etc, this is to whittle down your self esteem, so that in your own head you will think "I'm not good enough for anybody else, I must stay with this saint of a man that puts up with all of my tragic flaws" the same with the comments about "swinging from a rope" this is to make you feel you are responsible for his actions. You said it's not about the flirting anymore but moved on to something else, this is because you stood your ground and he realised he wasn't 'winning' so now he has found something else to make you feel shit about and the storming off is the same. It sounds like he is panicking because you are standing up for yourself so he is chucking everything he can think of at you. He is banking on you worrying about him being out, are you texting/ ringing him? If so then stop, this will feed it. Go to bed, leave the key in the door or some bedding on the sofa for him, take co tell of what you can but more importantly, stop putting off ringing womens aid, you need out of this and your children definitely do. They will have noticed more than you think and you will be doing all of you a favour. Just be prepared for him to tell you that you are leaving him because of his mental health and making more threats to kill himself blah blah that's the sign of a desperate man losing his control. Stay strong op, you can do this!

Co tell = control

Record him screaming abuse at you. Phone the police. Get them to remove him.
End of.

This is abuse, when does verbal abuse become emotional / mental abuse and then become physical? Please call the police. He can not throw you out of the bedroom. Please contact the police -please

You need to leave him. Google the cycle of abuse

By the way, stop trying to placate him by explaining and apologising over and over and over. Stop doing that. It just makes it all worse. Please just STOP. No more explanations, no more trying to get him to see it from your angle. Stop. He will not see it from your angle ever but he will very much thrice on your repeated defence of your so called flirting

Get rid of this utter tosser. Buckle up for a bumpy ride but rest assured, you'll be doing your children a massive favour in the long run. Do it for them right now if you can't do it for yourself at the moment

I haven't read the full thread. Just wanted to say while you're trying to work out what to do try going "grey rock" on him. This is where you don't engage at all with him by trying to chat or justify or defend yourself against the allegations. Engaging with him has made things worse not better and he's using it as an excuse to rant and rave. Next time he becomes verbally aggressive or breaks things do you think you'd be brave enough to call the police? I did in a similar situation and told emergency services that my stbx husband was behaving in a way where i believed he would hit me. He had been violent in the past but not on that occasion. They came and arrested him and he was let go after a day in the cells however it gave him a short sharp shock. Could you consider doing this? Your husband deserves a wake-up call and needs to realise that he cannot continue to behave in this way even if you HAD flirted. Right now he's acting like lord of the manor and you are his lowly subject - take back the power please. It will feel so good, I promise you.

Do whatever you need to keep yourself safe, OP. But please god get rid of him. I feel terrible for you and your poor children.

Could you go back to the town you were in previously?

Ouch. Wow. He is behaving extremely badly.

Out of curiosity, has he had a mental health assessment?
It sounds possible he could be bipolar?
I know someone who has huge mood swings like this because of being bipolar. Medication has helped them no end.

On the other hand, he could just be an arsehole.

Either way, he needs to be away from you and the kids whilst he sorts his head out.

You all deserve better!

There’s an awful lot for you to process here, and figuring out next steps will be hard. The grip on you is loosening, and if men like this sense this then the abuse level can ramp up. It’s probably prudent to smooth the waters as much as you can while you formulate an escape plan. And it’s worth coming to terms in your own mind with the fact that you may need to be prepared to call the police at the first sign of violence.

OP how do you really know that he went to the therapy sessions?

I find it very suspect that he made such excellent progress that he's being used as a case study. Either he's BS'ing his psycholotherapist (because things are worse!) or he isn't going at all

This gave me shivers. Because, very recently, it came out that an acquaintance who had similarly been boasting about being about being a model client had been lying about attending a counsellor/therapist for >2 years. It had never happened. During that time he controlled his wife by letting her know that the therapist disagreed with everything that she suggested that they might try. And, of course, instructed her, by proxy, to give the husband more space, time and generally allow the abusive behaviour to continue etc.

I'd wondered if he was managing to dupe his therapist but it was, more simply, that he never saw one. He had, of course, covered his tracks by picking the name of someone who genuinely is on the register, just in case anyone had every checked...

It was non-stop gas lighting.

Please tell someone in real life what is happening. if not a friend or relative then a GP or HV.

Oh fuck. We've just had another chat. It was going well - I had done my faux apology thing and he seemed to be calmer.

He then just calmly mentioned that he was going to stay with his friend for a couple of days and would miss our sons birthday.

He needs to get away from me because I'm toxic and I'm hurting him and he needs to consider if we have a future together and if he wants to be with me!

He basically blamed me and said it was my fault that he was missing our son's birthday. I then got cross because it's not fair on our son and I think he should put our son first, have the birthday and then go away with his friend.

He hates it when I start to get a bit feisty. it then escalated a bit but then he completely lost it and started shouting at me to fuck off and screaming that I was a fucking cold bitch and I'd manipulated him and made him lose it and to get out of the bedroom and fuck off etc and then threw the pillows at my face with quite some force. He was in such a rage!

Oh and he also brought up our sex life - it's crap and for years I haven't looked after myself and have been massively overweight. (Used to be a 16 and now a 14 comfort eater!) lay there like a dead body!

I can't bear the thought of him telling our joint friend all this bullshit about me.

It hasn't even crossed his mind as to whether his behaviour is making me not want to be with him.

Also my poor son is going to wake up on his birthday without his dad there/knowing we've had a row. Fuck it. Am feeling so miserable now.

Am basically sitting here fully clothed with the lights on and phone by my side on full red alert. I feel like I don't even know this man.

I think I might have to tell my brother tomorrow.

What would happen if I told a GP or HV? Would they contact social services.

He's blaming me for everything. He really believes it too. I've brought all this on myself and him and I am to blame. I'm also to blame for making his lose his temper according to him. He says he can't even look at me. I feel like I can't breathe at the injustice of this situation.

That was assault, peonie. I'm so sorry. Call the police. He really seems to be increasingly out of control.

Oh darling. I read your thread with shivers down my spine. This happened to me, down to the cheating accusations, all of it, the turning it around, saying how cruel I am, how I keep hurting him. I'm so sorry. It's agony.

Can you phone your brother right away?

Please don't worry about social services. If they're contacted, it will be to help you. It's not a bad thing if they are involved.

Tell your gp tell the HV. Scream it from the rooftops until you find strength to leave. You must leave. This man will turn violent. He's building up a sick delusion that he will use to justify hurting you.

I'm holding your hand. I will be around most of the night if you want to chat x