This wasn't flirting... help I need some perspective

[peoniepants]

I’m at my wits end and feeling desperate.

My husband is acting like a right fucker towards me.

I need some perspective.

Whole family at family themed place yesterday - families there and my husband too. My daughter starts playing with a younger child. I got chatting to the Dad whilst they were playing. He was nice enough - but not attractive and not my type, just a nice bloke. I didn’t fancy him and was chatting to him whilst waiting for my daughter to finish playing with his kid.

My husband is in the vicinity but doesn’t come over. Afterwards he kicks off. Apparently he was listening to our conversation out of sight and I was flirting and acting like a whore (which is bollocks! I know myself!). Also he says I was talking to this guy for far too long. He has massively overreacted and stormed out this morning for the whole day leaving me with no car and two kids upset and worrying where daddy is. I’ve just tried to talk to him again but he has got it fixed in his head that I was flirting and disrespecting him by doing it right in front of him. I won’t back down. I’m not going to ‘admit’ to something I haven’t done.

He’s really angry and has escalated massively and he has thrown my out of the bedroom (for 2 nights now) , acting like a man child and the kids know something is very wrong. He has form with doing this kind of shit.

I’ve told him that the kids are upset and we need to discuss it rationally but he doesn’t seem to care about that. Says he’s going out all day tomorrow as well.

I am so tired of his behaviour. He does this every time I ‘upset’ him. It’s so frustrating.

Also it’s my sons birthday next week and I already think he’s going to ruin it but either being in a huge mood or just storming off for the day. I don’t think I could forgive that.

Such a fucking child.

his therapist told him that she was going to use him as a car study of great recovery and progress - let me guess - did he tell you that? I know it's hard but you can't figure him out - he's not rational and you are.

He either wasn't being honest with the psychologist or he is lying to you about being used as a case study of a great recovery and progress.

I have some money but not much only to last a few weeks. I actually started the second chat because I thought we were calm enough to sort it out. And we were at first. I can't phone WA yet Incas he comes back. He could be back any minute. I will though when I'm ready and it's safe. The kids are here too and they need to eat now. He just answers my attempts at explaining myself as trying to bullshit lie and get myself off the hook.

What prompted him to start counselling? Just out of interest.

I wouldn't bother trying to have calm chats about things he's blown up at you over. He knows perfectly well you weren't at fault but he'll never accept it. You cannot reason with him.

What did you see in him initially? So that you married him? He sounds such a total tool that it is amazing that he could disguise it enough for a sensible woman to rake him on.

He felt out of control (was behaving badly) and realised (in a moment of sanity and rational behaviour) that he needed help. He was making great progress until a couple of months ago.

He also has no problem telling me what is wrong me - too fat, used to be pretty, too naggy, fucking boring etc. But there is no way I would ever have the balls to speak to him that way. He can say what he wants without fear - I'm the complete opposite with him.

I'm just remembered he said I didn't have the courage or the balls to be brave enough to accept I was in the wrong. I couldn't even do that for him.

@Lambbone he wasn't like it straight away. It started a few years in to the marriage.

He's also saying that it's not about the flirting anymore but instead my inability to see that I've hurt him and acknowledge/admit this.

Oh OP I am feeling so heart broken for you. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past and it sounds so so similar. I didn't have babies or anything with him (we were young) but it was similar, constantly irrationally accused of flirting and cheating. Being put down - being told I was lucky to have him. He tried to break me off from friends and family, hated what I wore and even had the nerve to say my dwindling personality was another turn off (it was his constant negativity that made my personality fade away).

I was so brain washed I was devastated when he broke up with me. It took a long long time before I realised this is because I had just been accepted into an amazing uni miles away from him, and he was jealous.

I look back now knowing the split was the best thing to ever happen to me. For a long while I was devastated. But over time I realised he had never loved me. He just wanted to control me. Eventually I gained confidence, gained weight (I was dangerously thin), met a better man and just healed.

Please leave him. I appreciate it must be so hard but I can't stand the thought of you going through this (aware I've never met you but still, I feel very emotional reading your posts). You deserve better than this shit

Use your time whilst he is away to complete the Freedom program online. It will open your eyes!!

Thank you @GinPink for your post xx it is really hard. if a friend of mine were telling me all this I would have no problem telling her to leave. It's so much harder when you are the one it's happening too.

He's also saying that it's not about the flirting anymore but instead my inability to see that I've hurt him and acknowledge/admit this.

My ex used to waffle on about how sensitive he was and I didn't respect this and consider his sensitive feelings. I can see now he was just an arrogant fuck. I got grilled and put down for talking to men. He would flirt outrageously behind my back, on occasion right in front of me and that was fine. Bastard.

Was the bad behaviour only directed at you, or was it showing in other areas of his life? (work/friends/alcohol/self-harm etc)?

He's also saying that it's not about the flirting anymore but instead my inability to see that I've hurt him and acknowledge/admit this.

This is always the underlying theme I think. Getting upset about an imagined slight and not accepting that it didn't actually happen and you aren't actually responsible for how he reacts to the things that haven't happened.

My mum used to get furious with my dad if he hurt himself. He hurt himself stepping awkwardly down a step on holiday and pulled a muscle. She didn't speak to him for the entire 2 weeks. That was a fun holiday.

Peonie he is abusive. I'm on a similar situation myself. I don't live with him.
I understand it's not that easy to leave, your just at the beginning of this, still in shock about the reality of the man you love. It takes a long time to get to the place of leaving, plus you have nowhere to go. Baby steps make sure you and the kids are safe. Try to get in touch with women's aid to make a plan.
Your in absolute shock plus the toll of leaving with someone like that makes you doubt everything. Little by little you will get there.

too fat, used to be pretty, too naggy, fucking boring etc - ooh, the utter arsehole!!! He's basically just a massive twat, using his history as an excuse for his vile behaviour. Let me just reiterate that there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with you, and I bet you're bloody lovely.

Is there anyone in RL you can confide in?

OP you poor love, I've just read your updates and 2 things are clear - he wants to bring you back under control by making you feel you've done something dreadful (you really haven't), and 2) his behaviour has escalated dangerously.

He is a damaged man, with a damaged childhood - but it it not your and your children's job to live like this, and be damaged yourselves, to make him feel better.

Your children are being damaged in the same way he was. Right now. You need to get them away from him. Women's Aid can help.

Whats best for them would be a divorce.

Hi PeoniePants, unfortunately many needy people's needs can never be met by someone else, until he realises that only he can sort out his insecurities he's going to keep asking you to fix something that you didn't break.

Even if you did apologise this time, it will arise again and each time he's going to want you to jump through hoops to show him how much you love him. People who have lacked love or been rejected need other people to prove their love to them, which is tiring and unfair on them.

Good luck, it's not easy. I pray that he realise's what he's doing to himself and his family.

I really dont want to alarm you but I do want to urge you to think very carefully about how you leave (if this is what you decide to do). PLEASE dont tell him face to face - leave and communicate by phone afterwards if you must. From your posts there are a lot of very high risk indicators for him causing you serious physical harm. I know he hasnt been physically violent before but this is the poorest 'sign' - his narcissism, his control, his suicide threats, his jealousy - these are more indicative of very serious harm if/when you leave. Just be careful - OK?

^^ he hasn't been directly violent but he has intimidated by hitting things and destroying property.

My ex would throw things and square-up to me to intimidate me. Then one night he held me by the throat against the wall. Up til then I had never thought he was violent. But he was. I responded by pushing him off me (he was shorter than me and I somehow found the anger to fight back), jumping on top of him when he fell onto the couch and punched him in the face. Of course I was then the "abusive, insane bitch". Nope, just a very downtrodden and angry woman finally realising what had been happening.

Definitely leave when he is out or have someone with you if you are trying to get him to leave.