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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have turned back

140 replies

Stopplayingwiththecheese · 11/08/2018 15:42

DB is having a barbecue today, he lives an hour and a quarter away. We have a dog who we don't like to leave for more than four hours or so and can't take him there.

We set off with the intention of staying for an hour and a half. We'd bought cake, meat and booze to take. Traffic was horrendous and after an hour sat nav was still telling us we were over an hour away, so we turned back. If we'd carried on we would have been able to spend about 15 minutes assuming it had really taken the hour, also traffic was even worse going the other way. So we turned back, I texted DB to explain and apologise and got a load of abuse back. WIBU to come home? Should we have gone, said hi and left?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stopplayingwiththecheese · 11/08/2018 16:11

That's it celebelly, he's quite elderly and can't hold it as long as he used to. I did ask a couple of neighbours but they were busy and our regular day care couldn't take him. Anyway, enough excuses it was obviously rude.

OP posts:
aaarrrggghhhh · 11/08/2018 16:12

@BuntyII well sure dogs can't read the time - but many dogs will experience distress after a period of time has passed alone. My dog doesn't have separation anxiety at all and I can comfortably leave him for 4 hours - but if it was 8 hours he would be distressed. And bursting for a pee.

The OP has assessed that 4 hours is the time their dog is comfortable with being left alone. Which is a very responsible dog owner approach to take.

Sure - one hour probably would have been fine. But it may not have been.

People saying on this thread "its a dog" are meaning "its needs are subordinate" and/or "it won't suffer if left alone".

aaarrrggghhhh · 11/08/2018 16:13

I don't think it was rude OP. At all. I think it was the right thing to do. Imagine your poor little pup having to wet himself just because your brother can't manage his emotions.

Branleuse · 11/08/2018 16:14

id have taken the dog out for a long walk beforehand and left him for longer. He'd have probably slept. Its only once in a while. It looks like you never wanted to go and perhaps you should be clear about things you dont want to do rather than fuck people around with excuses on the day

TomHardysNextWife · 11/08/2018 16:15

My dog has got terrible separation anxiety and I'd never leave him for 4 hours let alone longer.

You were being a responsible pet owner, OP and your DB was being an arse by not letting you bring the dog in the first place.

I'd have done exactly the same.

Original poster
Stopplayingwiththecheese · 11/08/2018 16:17

I'm not sure where you got that from Branleuse, I was looking forward to it! I wouldn't drive a 2 and a half hour round trip for something I didn't want to do.

OP posts:
LighthouseSouth · 11/08/2018 16:20

YANBU

I think it's fine tbh

You were clear it was a flying visit because of the dog

Traffic scuppered it

I don't see why he's angry, these short visits are so likely to go wrong, when I drove, I never did them. It's your right to want to stay home with a pet.

Only thing I'd do is rethink the invites you agree to. Sometimes people cancel and when I hear the story, I'm amazed they agreed in the first place.

specialsubject · 11/08/2018 16:21

'a load of abuse' is completely unreasonable. Bad traffic happens and brother should know that and grow up. Fair enough to ban the dog from his house and garden.

OP has a dog which means over a decade of restrictions. At least she accepts that rather than leaving the thing to drive the neighbours nuts!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/08/2018 16:22

And no I couldn't have taken the dog, they don't allow him in the house or garden.

THEY are being U not to welcome your dog. (Having said that, I wouldn't take mine to a BBQ in case they had/caused an accident - all that meat, all those flames - accident waiting to happen.)

SusieOwl4 · 11/08/2018 16:24

I think you do need to find someone local in case of emergencies who could just pop in to your dog. If you had got caught in traffic for longer what would have happened? Also my dogs are crate trained ( they sleep in them with doors open before anyone jumps down my throat , so if need be we can take them and they can stay in crates , just on odd occasions . How could your brother object to that?

Excited0803 · 11/08/2018 16:27

My parents do this a lot, they'll never organise care for the dog so they arrive and leave an hour later. It's incredibly irritating when I then have to try and organise for the baby to be awake and not needing to be fed around whenever they'll arrive (subject to traffic), as well as sorting food, all within the tight window. Having cleared up, cooked and got the baby's schedule aligned I'd be pissed off if they then went home. There are always local dogwalkers, teenagers or other dog-owning neighbours who could help if they're only asked, but the owner has to be willing to ask more than one or two. I used to have a cat and had many different people who'd help with him (including cat-sitting when I went away), it just takes organisation.

MadMags · 11/08/2018 16:27

THEY are being U not to welcome your dog

Some people don’t like dogs. That’s perfectly ok. Hmm

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/08/2018 16:37

I think the dog is a bit of a red herring (not literally!). Unless it was a bbq for someone’s 40th or something, if the traffic was so bad it took me an hour to do the first 20% of the journey (which I’m assuming it did since you said the journey was 1hr 15 mins and after an hour the satnav said you still had an hour to go) damn right I would have turned around.

If you are regularly cutting things short of cancelling at little notice or making things really awkward when arranging things because of accommodations for your dog, I could see that getting quite annoying for family and friends. I just don’t think it’s unreasonable to give up on a bbq when you’ve been stuck in traffic for 45 mins and don’t really know how much longer it will be.

Merryoldgoat · 11/08/2018 16:45

I can’t comment on the dog part as I don’t like them and wouldn’t have one or know what a reasonable time alone is for one.

However, whilst your brother can be disappointed at not seeing you, abuse is uncalled for and more unreasonable in my opinion.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/08/2018 16:45

Just wondering why they don't let you bring your dog?

Original poster
Stopplayingwiththecheese · 11/08/2018 16:48

GreatDuckCookery they don't like dogs basically. Obviously I'm biased but the dog is lovely, well behaved and friendly. But SIL is quite scared of dogs and doesn't want them in her home. I completely respect this, their home their rules.

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 11/08/2018 16:51

Your DB sounds like a total tool. Shown his true colours.

I’d have prioritised going back to look after my dog too and anyone who thinks that “pets shouldn’t control your life” I hope you don’t have a pet. They have needs and should be your prime consideration otherwise don’t bother having one.

BlueberryPud · 11/08/2018 16:51

THEY are being U not to welcome your dog

Why do you think that's unreasonable? Serious question.

I wouldn't entertain a dog in my house or garden.
How can you welcome something when it's unwelcome?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/08/2018 16:58

Fair enough OP, not everyone likes dogs. Something I will never understand mind Wink

Cherubfish · 11/08/2018 16:59

I don't think you were being unreasonable in the circumstances, but I think the problem is that your brother probably thought you didn't want to come and were using the dog/traffic as an excuse (it does sound a bit like an excuse!), which would have been unreasonable. So that's what he was reacting to.

He should send you abuse either way.

MadMags · 11/08/2018 17:00

Depends on the “abuse”, IMO.

londonrach · 11/08/2018 17:02

You a rude guest. Someone has bought food and doing a bbq with you in mind and you used the traffic as an excuse. Next time (if there is one as db might not bother inviting you again) get a dog sitter. Yes to cancel if ill but not for traffic. Rude and yes yabu. You need to apologise to your brother!

whateveryousay · 11/08/2018 17:02

I don’t think you were at all unreasonable.

When you take on a pet, you take on the responsibility for the comfort and happiness of another living creature, and you have a duty to do that whatever it takes.

To those saying ‘get someone to go in and walk the dog’, it’s not always that simple. Mine wouldn’t let anyone in our house if I wasn’t there.

I will also arrange all social functions around my dogs, and whether they are welcome, or whether the event is short enough that I can leave them.

I am genuinely surprised that so many think OP is unreasonable. I guess that makes me unreasonable too. Oh well Grin

Cherubfish · 11/08/2018 17:02

*shouldn't, obvs

londonrach · 11/08/2018 17:03

Re the dog...its someone else house they can say no dogs! Sometime mn surprised me.