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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DH who I was talking to?

80 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 11/08/2018 11:29

I work shifts. The other night I was driving home in the middle of the night and called one of my friends who I met during training. Same job but she is based in a different part of the county and also have a long journey home. Now and again we catch up during our commute.

The next day DH “presented me with evidence” I’ve been doing something I shouldn’t. He’s managed to link my phone to the iPad (or maybe it already was) and had taken a photo of this particular call. The iPad doesn’t seem to have synced contact names so he just had the number. He wanted to know why I was having 20 minute calls at 2am. I refused to tell him out of principle as I don’t feel he has the right to police my calls nor demand I stop using my phone at night. He slept on the sofa last night and we aren’t currently talking.

Today he’s messaged me at work to ask why I’m not wearing my wedding ring. I took it off last night to make meatballs! He has never behaved like that up until the last few months when paranoid behaviour seems to be creeping in.

AIBU not to indulge this and refuse to tell him who I’m speaking to?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 11/08/2018 11:32

I think you are. Why wouldn’t you tell him? Why increase distrust and suspicion?

I’d be annoyed if my partner didn’t tell me, not the phone call. But the fact he thought that pissing me off was more important than telling me the truth.

TSSDNCOP · 11/08/2018 11:33

Well TBF if he’s on MN a 2am call would create the “spidey senses to tingle”.

Just tell him. He’s being silly, he’ll feel silly but you risk eeking out the silliness.

ohgodnotyouagain · 11/08/2018 11:34

I don't think YABU - we all have a right to privacy and my DH wouldn't assume he has a right to know what I'm up to every second of the day.

However, if this was happening in my marriage I'd have to sit down with my DH and explain that we needed to talk about where this paranoid behaviour is coming from. I wouldn't want him thinking something was going on if it wasn't, and I'd explain that I have no issue telling him who I'm on the phone to etc but that I wouldn't expect him to be keeping an eye on me via the iPad, I think that's wrong.

IMO behaviours like that occur when one person in the relationship has done something they shouldn't have and is projecting it onto the other person. Obviously I hope this isn't the case for you! But I'd be asking my DH if he'd done something he shouldn't have and was assuming that I was out doing the same.

cochineal7 · 11/08/2018 11:34

No need to indulge him. BUT you clearly need a conversation. Why is he suddenly monitoring you? It is not normal. My cynical self would think he might be hiding something himself.

Lavende · 11/08/2018 11:35

So you wouldn’t get suspicious if you found regular calls in the middle of the night from your husbands phone? Just tell him it’s your friend. Obviously now he’ll doubt you because you made a thing of it. As for the iPad, it will have already been synced with your phone, my calls come through on both of mine but my iPad doesn’t have names attached to numbers.

mumeeee · 11/08/2018 11:36

YABU. Why not tell him who you were talking to? By refusing it probably seems very suspicious to him.
Also if you were driving you shouldn't be using your phone anyway

Fatted · 11/08/2018 11:37

I can understand you're annoyed he's snooping. But surely you realise not telling him is just making the problem worse. Just tell him the truth and get to the bottom of why he's acting jealous.

Although honestly, having experience of driving home from work at 2am, I really cannot fathom why you'd want to be phoning someone then even if they are awake!

lindyhopy · 11/08/2018 11:37

YABU you should have told him when he asked. How would you feel if it was the other way around?

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/08/2018 11:38

I would be having a very serious chat about his paranoia, but as a part of that I would tell him who I was talking to. He shouldn't be sneaking and spying on you though, I'd need to know why he was suddenly paranoid.

Stirner · 11/08/2018 11:38

If the situations were reversed "spidey senses" would be "tingling" the op would be advised to "do some digging" and her partner didn't surrender his devices for inspection that would be clear evidence that he had something to hide.

tiggerbounce77 · 11/08/2018 11:38

What has happened for him to feel the need to snoop? If you have nothing to hide why has this not come up in conversation before? Whilst you don't need to be telling him exactly what you have been doing 24hrs a day surely you would be mentioning new friends in passing conversation

ertcimy · 11/08/2018 11:39

YABU. Why wouldn't you tell him? He's your husband.

Original poster
HopefullyAnonymous · 11/08/2018 11:39

Built in hands free, to address that.

If it was an isolated incident I think I’d have reacted differently, but over the last six months or so I’ve had to explain who people in pictures are on nights out (partners of friends), why “all of my friends at work are men” (I’m the only woman who works here) etc etc. I don’t want to continue feeding his belief that I actually constantly owe him an explanation for my perfectly normal behaviour.

OP posts:
YorkieDorkie · 11/08/2018 11:41

YABVU. If he was having calls at 2am wouldn't you want to know who he was talking to? I know my DH would ask, not to be suspicious but just out of curiosity as I've never had a 2am phonecall from anyone other than him!

Dhalandchips · 11/08/2018 11:42

I'm of the "he's judging you by his standards" school and would also be pissed off.

9amTrain · 11/08/2018 11:45

Just tell him ffs 😂

Original poster
HopefullyAnonymous · 11/08/2018 11:45

And as I said, it was more the way he presented me with the evidence of my wrongdoing rather than asked in any normal way. He is aware I speak up this friend regularly but I’d normally say for example “oh I spoke to A the other day, she’s fine” rather than the specific time if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ImAIdoot · 11/08/2018 11:46

I think a reasonable spouse might potentially ask who it was if DP was phoning people at 2am while they were in bed, it was probably you who left the iPad linked and it might have woken him up, people aren't necessarily in their right mind when tired and we can tend to think without a proper sense of proportion/worry about things in a way we don't in the cold light of day, so he might have had time to get worried about it.

Whatever happened I totally sympathize with digging your heels in at what seems like a lack of trust, but I think you'd be far better off addressing this in an open and forthright way from the outset than clashing heads as you will stand a better chance of nipping this sort of thing in the bud.

I would say "I will tell you who and why after you admit this lack of trust is massively insulting and silly, and explain to me what the hell is going on with you, or you can dig your heels in and treat me like a wrongdoers for no reason and we will go another way."

Stirner · 11/08/2018 11:46

FWIW, I don't think OPs wrong, I think she's entitled to her privacy I just wanted to point out the double standard

SandyY2K · 11/08/2018 11:48

Has your behaviour changed over the last 6 months? You may not be aware of it...but that could be causing him to be paranoid.

Especially if you didnt go out much before and suddenly there's a lot of social activity in a male dominated profession.

From your info or sounds like police training.

Tell him who you were talking to bad get to the route of his feelings. It's normal to feel insecure at stages of your relationship and this might be one of those times for him. Particularly if he feels less attractive in himself.

Reassurance helps.

Willow2017 · 11/08/2018 11:57

Presenting me with evidence of wringdoing without actually just asking would royally piss me off.

He is being judge and jury with nothing to have a 'trial' about

You need a serious discussion about his behaviour and why he feels the need to spy on you and question everything you do now.
Its not nornal behaviour. But i would tell him who it was i was talking to this time. He already knows about your friend and your work colleagues he doesnt need to question you about people again. And he doesnt need to be checking your phone calls either. Thats just ott.

He is either
Becoming paranoid/convinced you are up to something and needs help to deal with this.

Or he is projecting what he has been doing at some point onto you.

Or he is becoming a controlling arse who wants you under his thumb.

You need to know whats going on so you can.deal with it.

OftenHangry · 11/08/2018 12:07

It looks like someone told him some gossip tbh.

KatieKittens · 11/08/2018 12:07

I think you both acted unreasonably. He jumped to conclusions but there was no reason for you not to tell him you were talking to your friend!

He does sound paranoid and possessive. Comments about you having male friends at work etc. are not normal. Has he always been like this?

Would counselling be an option for him?

Birdsgottafly · 11/08/2018 12:12

You should have just told him. We all get periods of insecurity, watch out for all the threads about the works Christmas parties, were the OP can't attend.

However every partner who has acted like he is, has been found to cheating, or starting to think about it and that's were the thoughts come from.

happypoobum · 11/08/2018 12:17

Well you have referred to his increasingly paranoid behaviour. Do you know what is causing this? My first thought was drugs tbh.

Do you have mentionitis of someone at work? Anyone new that he may be jealous of?

I agree with PP you need to sit down and have a sensible conversation about all of this.