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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell DH who I was talking to?

80 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 11/08/2018 11:29

I work shifts. The other night I was driving home in the middle of the night and called one of my friends who I met during training. Same job but she is based in a different part of the county and also have a long journey home. Now and again we catch up during our commute.

The next day DH “presented me with evidence” I’ve been doing something I shouldn’t. He’s managed to link my phone to the iPad (or maybe it already was) and had taken a photo of this particular call. The iPad doesn’t seem to have synced contact names so he just had the number. He wanted to know why I was having 20 minute calls at 2am. I refused to tell him out of principle as I don’t feel he has the right to police my calls nor demand I stop using my phone at night. He slept on the sofa last night and we aren’t currently talking.

Today he’s messaged me at work to ask why I’m not wearing my wedding ring. I took it off last night to make meatballs! He has never behaved like that up until the last few months when paranoid behaviour seems to be creeping in.

AIBU not to indulge this and refuse to tell him who I’m speaking to?

OP posts:

diddl · 11/08/2018 13:10

Ordinarily I would just have said why not just tell him?

But why is he snooping-even if the phone & ipad were automatically linked?

If he has linked them-why?

Sure a 2am phone call might seem suspect-but not a one between shift workers with a longish drive?

"I think your husband is paranoid about his own shenanigans and is projecting this onto you"

That also!

HarshingMyMellow · 11/08/2018 13:15

Honestly, if the situation was reversed and you had posted that your partner was making mysterious phone calls in the early hours, refusing to tell you who he was speaking to and leaving the house without his wedding ring, posters would be saying it didn't look good.

It is slightly odd that you wouldn't just tell him who you were speaking to.

Original poster

HopefullyAnonymous · 11/08/2018 13:20

Such a mix of answers! Thank you. To answer a few questions. He has never behaved this was up until the last 6 months or so, in fact he could quite objectively look at the behaviour of one of his friends when he behaved similarly and told him he was out of order.

In terms of his morals/behaviour; at the beginning of our relationship he continued to not be exclusive shall we say, despite me believing we were. It was sorted; this was eight years ago and I’ve had no reason to suspect him since. I do not check on him.

A PP correctly guessed my new job. I was away from home for 6 months before Christmas for training, things were fine then. It’s now that I’ve actually started the job proper that there’s been an issue. I did a very boring and steady 9-5 job before this.

OP posts:

HarshingMyMellow · 11/08/2018 13:23

Reading your other posts, is it possible that he is slightly suspicious/jealous of someone and the incident last night has cemented his suspicions?

Not saying that it's right, but he could've gotten the totally wrong end of the stick.

Nothing a quick conversation can't fix. If the behaviour continues then maybe you need to rethink your future.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2018 13:24

He was up to no good while you were away. I guarantee it. All of this cuntish behaviour is all about him.

SpiritedLondon · 11/08/2018 13:31

Perhaps he’s aware that affairs in your profession are very common!

Original poster

HopefullyAnonymous · 11/08/2018 13:33

Perhaps he’s aware that affairs in your profession are very common

And obviously I must be guilty of one then?

OP posts:

diddl · 11/08/2018 13:49

"You should have just told him. We all get periods of insecurity,"

If he's feeling insecure then he needs to work on that himself.

MissTerryShopper · 11/08/2018 13:50

He needs to get over this jealousy. We are a police family. There are times where my DH would be sitting in a car for hours with a woman colleague. Jobs together, eat refs together, talk all night. They build a rapport. Police are like other forces - army, navy, air, they stick together and have a bond. We used to go to 999 parties - a lot of police are married to NHS staff as they understand the shifts and the bonds. If you have jealousy in the relationship, it will drive you insane. You need to have trust. He needs to understand this.

Cuppaorwine · 11/08/2018 13:53

Gosh what drama queens you both sound.

Just tell him ffs.

Coyoacan · 11/08/2018 14:06

I totally agree with RB68.

Yes a lot of mumsnetters would also keep a check on their husbands and egg others on to do so, but not everyone wants that type of relationship. Either he believes you or he doesn't. I couldn't be living with that level of control.

Anyway why would he believe the OP when she gives a name?

As this is only a recent issue, OP, try to get to the bottom of it, but otherwise I would say LTB. And I would say the same to any man whose wife snooped on him and didn't trust him.

raspberrysplit · 11/08/2018 14:14

Just an idea, and i’m in no way suggesting this makes it ok for him to behave this way, but if this behaviour’s only started since you started working is it possible it’s stemming from worry about your safety when you’re working which, since he can’t do anything to control that, is bleeding into a kind of generalised anxiety over you?

Or maybe your new colleagues make him feel insecure because he doesn’t do that kind of a job?

I’d tell him who you were speaking to, because you not telling who it was is making it a bigger thing than it is. But i’d also be sitting down and having a conversation with him about his wider pattern of behaviour

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/08/2018 14:18

2am for a shift worker is not the same as 2am for a 9-5er. It isn’t suspicious for me to call someone at 5:30pm on a Tuesday afternoon - 2am is the Op’s 5:30pm on a Tuesday afternoon.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2018 14:18

Sorry to derail, but how on earth can you tell what phone calls I made on my iPhone by looking at my iPad?

As far as OP, I would have told him to whom I was speaking. But then I would have definitely addressed the fact that in essence 'bugging' my phone was wrong.

But the totality of what he's done is so far over the line! The problem is that once trust is gone (in his own mind) it really never comes back. I'd suggest counseling, but you may have to face the fact that your marriage is irretrievably damaged.

SlimmingMumOf1 · 11/08/2018 14:24

Actually that does sound suspicious! Just tell him FFS.

Lynne1Cat · 11/08/2018 14:25

Have you got something to hide? No? Then tell him!
He clearly thinks you're up to no good - has he got any reason to think that? No? Tell him!
IF, on the other hand, you've ever cheated or given him a good reason to feel insecure, well, that's a different story.

Mind games - stop it.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2018 14:29

You do sound like a drama llama OP

I think most people in long relationships go through tiny phases of needing a hug and a bit of reassurance at times.

As long as it's not too often, it shouldn't be a problem imo.

raspberrysplit · 11/08/2018 15:13

Having just re-read your messages I don’t know whether he’s being suddenly randomly paranoid and unreasonable or whether you’re not really engaging with him and that’s what’s triggered his paranoia. You say you’ve had to explain who people are - is he being demanding and accusatory about it or just trying to show an interest in your new friends and you’re being oddly defensive about it? If it’s partners of your friends he’s asking about, then presumably it’s social occasions to which partners have been invited (?) was he also invited and couldn’t make it, or have you just not invited him (understandably insecure then)

HelpmeobiMN · 11/08/2018 15:16

YANBU to be annoyed that he has gone snooping - I would be very angry in your place. But I also don’t know why you would now make things so much more difficult for yourself by acting so suspiciously. You’ve guaranteed now that he’ll be paranoid about what you’re doing. That may be very unfair, but it feels like instead of having an adult conversation about his snooping you’re torturing him and cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

trojanpony · 11/08/2018 15:30

I’m on the fence - I get why you don’t want to explain yourself but can also appreciate why he thinks it’s a bit off.

This seems to have been building for a while and there are several incidents leading up to this. The checking up on you is a def red flag on his side, but if my partner was doing this I’d want to be open with them and reassure them and find out what was going on.

To me it indicates there is something seriously wrong in your relationship.

Bottom long: Either address it or leave your partner

Original poster

HopefullyAnonymous · 11/08/2018 15:53

With regards to photos, we mostly have separate friends. I tagged along to a work party of my DMs and there were some of her male colleagues in photos DM posted. Another time I was just on a girls night out and bumped into some other friends on a double date. It’s not that he was excluded from either occasion, he just wasn’t there.

I’m not aware of anything I’ve done to make him feel insecure, other than not be at home as much of an evening due to my rota. He works very near to home and now comes home for lunch every day which he never did before, and if I’m not at home it’s an issue.

I get the point about making it worse by seeming secretive but I’ve indulged his behaviour up to now and I can’t do it much longer.

OP posts:

Willow2017 · 11/08/2018 16:07

He works very near to home and now comes home for lunch every day which he never did before, and if I’m not at home it’s an issue.

Why on earth is it an issue? If you have things to do why would you go home every day at lunchtime just to stop his irrational ideas that you should be there for him?

Sounds like he doesnt like your new job and independance and wants to reign you in to be at his beck and call.

Serious discussion is needed to clear this up, it cant go on like this as you will become more resentful and he will become more demanding. He needs to realise you are an adult and can have friends and do things without him too sometimes.

Backstabbath · 11/08/2018 16:41

Sounds to me as if your loving his insecurity ... just tell him and stop being a dick

raspberrysplit · 11/08/2018 16:47

Ok, then yes that definitely sounds like he’s being unreasonable.

Have you tried having a conversation with him about what’s prompted this change in his behaviour?

Original poster

HopefullyAnonymous · 11/08/2018 16:48

Yes you’re right, I’m loving being checked up on, watched and questioned

OP posts:

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