To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

Two thoughts:

1. Could you move to be closer to this or other jobs?
2. If DP is self employed, surely he could choose to scale back the business to spend more time with the kids too/share the chores. I understand some contracts would still be long hours or far away.but he could take on fewer of these if he wanted to, or have someone work for him to share the load
3. I am desperate to get back to interesting work, but I think full time with long commute, when you don't have to, would be utterly exhausting. But this opportunity has clearly made you think and realise a few things about where you want to be in due course
4. Apply anyway for the experience! I did an interview when DC2 was three months old, and desperately wanted the job. The interview was terrible, I could barely string a sentence together. My professional pride was wounded. But then I realised it would have been very difficult to do a full on job at this point with DC so small, and it's made me hone what I'm looking for

Sorry, that was four thoughts, if not more!

Let’s catastrophise what most people manage with out hoo ha or 2 nannies

Most families don't have both parents out of the home for 13+ hrs a day. That's really long hours for a nanny. That's why I queried it. I have nothing against working mothers, I am one FFS. I'm just lucky enough to work in a job that I love that also enables me to be around for the children before and after school, DH is normally home before 6pm and WFH one day a week so he gets to see plenty of the children too. He did use to do the kind of hours OP is talking about and it really sucked, he barely got to see the children, he was always exhausted, and it made him miserable. At the time I was a SAHM and being on my own with small children that much was exhausting too (so I do have sympathy with OPs current position). DH recently turned down a job that would have been perfect for him in every other way, because of the commute it would have meant, and the hours out of home.

Peakypush FWIW I do think finding a job would be good for you and therefore for your family too. I'm just not convinced those hours would be good for any of you given the hours your DP is already doing and it doesn't sound like there's much flexibility to be had for him.

Also, is there any reason you have to live somewhere that is that isolated? It doesn't sound like it is to anyone's benefit

lip I think you make a good point about men needing to be there and make memories. My DH is there for the kids as much as I am. My children do spend time in day care. It seems like you see certain words and make a lot of assumptions about how extreme the poster must be. I find that difficult because many views can be invalidated if taken to an extreme. Like you, I would find it unreasonable for mothers to be seen as selfish if they work at all. I find it unreasonable when mothers are seen as the default parent and when they're constantly pressured into living every day as if its the last they'll have. My view is closer to yours than you think. However, I find it extreme for either parent to get home too late to see their children properly 80% of the time. It's not acceptable in one parent just because the other is doing it. And I realise it's sometimes unavoidable and better than the alternative. But we can still acknowledge the child is often paying a heavy price and it is far from ideal.

Don’t get the guilt thing,I’ve never felt guilt at all.nadda.im working.its no biggie

Why are you so defensive then? It screams cognitive dissonance to me.

If you are bored (no judgment, I was too) then IME it's arguable your DC would be better off with a nanny who enjoys looking after young DC.

Maybe not if you really never saw them Mon-Fri as per your title, but actually you say you would see them for an hour each day and do bedtime - that's very different.

My mum worked when I was little and we benefited from having a lovely nanny who enjoyed all the things my mum didn't - craft, playground, playdates etc. We also got time with our mum at weekends and bedtime for the things she was good at (and just "mummy time"). Best of both worlds, and definitely better than having just a bored SAHM.

And I would feel that coyocoan's mother was not selfish to work because it was clearly what she needed to do and the best option for her family. There seems to be a feeling that women who are prepared to talk about children being the priority and needing to see their parents each day also feel that it's ok for women to be depressed and suffering at home. That's not the case.

We have a nanny, it made more financial sense with 2 preschoolers (both at school now) and it meant they were at home, with their toys and comforts. They know the nanny really well and if they have colds it's not an issue for DCs or the nanny.
I too started off planning to be at home, but it wasn't right for me. Investigate childcare straight away and apply for the job!

I remain to be convinced that most of MN really understands what a very high earning career entails. Twenty years ago, when I did it, it meant being available to get on a plane to the other side of the world at a few hours notice, and be away for several days.

My BiL helped a friend (who'd admired BIL's success) find a similar job to his. It was about eight weeks before he resigned. BIL would go on a business trip, from Brazil to the Caribbean, then to Russia. One (particularly difficult) one, it was three weeks of travel (three meals in three different countries for days) before he was somewhere long enough to have his laundry washed. There's no sightseeing, no culture, it's just gruelling. In the evenings, you crank out the next days presentations, eat and try to sleep. Not much glamour, even if you are in a four star hotel somewhere hot.

I was determined to find a way to be a SAHM mum during my maternity leave. For 2 reasons, I was infacuated with DD and my
hormones were all over the places.

Went back part time after a year but my previous job wasn’t worth the time away from DD. Looked for something new that fit better and went for it. Part-time work, 5 days a week, 8-1. Fits around my family perfectly and I haven’t looked back.

I think this job coming up has made you realise you want something more for you. FT is a lot but it’s your choice. I would personally think of it as an epiphany and start job searching. Have some more time with your children and meanwhile look for something more practical for your family.

Could you afford to put your DCs into nursery a couple of days a week? Even a couple of half days? Could be a great way to remedy the issue for now. Also a good opportunity to see how you feel about the children being in childcare etc

Ease,you quite simply have no credibility since you said you feel sorry for my children
The faux handwringing and concern. It adds no gravitas.addsnothing to your posts

It doesn’t scream anything, I’m simply following on from posts discussing guilt as if it’s inevitable
It isn’t an issue for me,it is not a given that one experiences mum guilt

I always thought I would love to be a SAHM but I don't think you can know how having children will affect you until you actually do it

Well no, nobody can know that. But once you have them you have to do what your gut tells you is the right thing. For them.

Sorry but I'm in the no camp. Yes if can be boring and monotonous but what is the point of having children if you never see them. If you have to then fine but you don't, and children need a parent around.

I stand by those remarks. Let the OP ‘judge for herself’ pun intended.

In the meantime, please stay on your lane

Every employment thread someone will inevitably rock up and say
Oh,doth protest too much
Projection!
denial!
Dissonance
To any opposition view. So an employed mum is really an unhappy husk who wants to be a sahm

But here the kicker,that doth protest logic isn’t applied to sahm
Theres never a oh you really want to be working,you’re in denial

Yes, I adored mine but I preferred children when they were older and able to do conversation

But. . . . but . . . You are the one who teaches them conversation!
The one who converses with them before they can 'do' conversation.
It's an amazing part of being a SAHM, watching your child develop and learn language from 'you' And then put it into practise out in society.

I feel guilt because I want to be there for my children, I love their company and I had a lovely fluffy childhood of my dm always being there, I want to give some of the to my dc. So I do go to lots of school things, as I say I am very lucky that I have a good employer ( and I’ve built up a great deal of good faith) but I also want to do my job well. And yes while my dm was always there she had her own things going on that you often don’t appreciate as a child. Society has thankfully moved on, when my dm told work she was pregnant with me, she was fired, which was the norm for the time.

Sometimes it can feel like you are constantly spinning plates. Sometimes the plates get smashed! But you go to bed and get up and there’s a fresh day to try again.

Ultimately whether you work full time, part time or are a sham we are all just trying our best. Nothing is set in stone, but if you don’t try you won’t know. If your heart was set on being a sham you wouldn’t have even considered the prospect of the job.

The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I did this for 5yrs from DS was 3. Sometimes I didn't even see him at bedtime (I would leave at 6am and not get home til 10pm or would even stay away overnight).

Good stuff:
I was doing something I loved and gained experience I otherwise wouldn't have got, my business certainly wouldn't be where it is now if I hadn't done it.

I made some really good friends for life.

I made some solid client contacts and got my name out there which has helped my business.

I got lots of "me time" and never felt like I was "sick of" DS (or DH).

DS is confident and outgoing, certainly not tied to my apron strings. Is this down to separation? I don't know.

Bad stuff:
I was constantly tired from the long days, and sometimes a nightmare to live with.

Sometimes I liked the "me time" a little too much, there were occasions I thought "I don't want to go home and get nagged/pestered/no say over what's on TV" but then I gave my head a wobble!!

It was tough on DH, he says there were times he felt like a single parent because he literally had to do EVERYTHING.

DS was always a good sleeper, but he went through a phase after I'd been working away for around 6 months of getting up and coming to my bed 3/4 times through night, not ideal when you have to get up at 5am!! He didn't do it on the nights I was away and DH was on his own, only on the nights I was there, so clearly it was affecting him and he was having separation issues.

In the end DH sat me down and told me I needed to decide what was more important; my business/career or my family because we couldn't keep living like that. He was right and we've never been closer or happier, he saved our marriage with a bit of tough love

My advice to you would be to only do it if it will lead to bigger and better things, only see it as a temporary measure, as a stepping stone and set yourself a timeframe.

Don't go into it planning for it to be permanent.

I regularly say the 'making memories' speech to new Dads at work and they look at me like I've got two heads. It is hilarious, it's just not part of most men's experience of parenthood at all.

Apologies XingMing. I didn't read your post properly before I responded.

It's really up to you OP.

I can remember a time when I felt similar with small DC, sort of trapped and craving adult company, and undervalued as a sahm. But, looking back now I don't regret the time I had with the DC.

Now I work long hours, 6 days a week (DH too) and the DC are primary age. I loathe it. I want more time with them, and not to be too knackered to enjoy that time!

I'm in similar situation. I have a 5 and 1 year old. I've been a sahm since first was born. I'm going out of my brain with boredom and frustration. But I truly believe there is a reason the free 15 hours nursery kicks in at 3. That's when all the studies show kids benefit from it. I did try nursery for youngest at 18 months but he got sick so often he was never there and I withdrew him. After that I found a local sports centre that offers an hour's crèche a day whilst I exercise. That has been a life saver and given me time out. I'd still love to go to work but the first year of school for eldest has been a rollercoaster and I'm so glad I've been there for him through it. I actually feel I've done something worthwhile for a change. So I don't know the answer but I understand your predicament. I've found asking other mums for advice in the past super upsetting as everyone has such strong views and gets animated. Also some situations are different and financially people have to work and that's different. Also all kids are different. My oldest started nursery at 3 and was fine. Youngest nearly 2 and 2 more years at home is teeth screeching. I have volunteered for things too that me and youngest can do like delivering the village magazine. Litter picking etc. Good luck.

Can they go to bed a bit later so that you see them for longer in the evening? I used to get home between 6.30 - 7.00 but I let my daughter go to bed at between 8.30-9.00 so that I could see her for longer. She didn’t need to get up until 7.30-8.00 for school so she still had plenty of sleep. Working in a job you love is great for your self esteem and your personal independence. I would try the job out at least as you might regret it otherwise.